HISTORY OF NEW-YORK,

FROM THE

BEGmNING OF THE WORLD TO THE END OF THE
DUTCH Dl^NASTY ;

CONTAINING,

AMONG MANY SDEPKISING AND CDEIOUS MATTERS,

The Unutterable Ponderings of Walter the Doubter, the
Disastrous Projects of William the Testy, and the
Chivalric Achievements of Peter the Head-
strong— the three Dutch Governors
of New Amsterdam :

Being the only Authentic History of the Times that ever hath been
or ever will be pubhshed.

BY

■De waar^eib bie in buigter lag^
S!ic !omt met flaart)eib a.m ben iac,.

THE author's revised EDITION.
COMPLETE IN ONE VOLUME.

LONDON :

HENRY G. BOHN, YORK STREET, COVENT GARDEN.

1850.

London :

Spottiswoodes and Shaw,

New-street- Square.

TITT^ LIBRARY

.UNIVERSITY OF CALIFORNIA'

SANTA BARBARA

CONTENTS.

The author's apology Page viii

Original adv'ertisements x

Account of the author xii

Address to the public xx

BOOK I.

CONTAINING DIVERS INGENIOUS THEORIES AND PHILOSOPHIC SPECULA-
TIONS, CONCERNING THE CREATION AND POPULATION OF THE WORLD,
AS CONNECTED WITH THE HISTORY OF NEW-YORK.

Chap. L — Description of the world 1

Chap. II. — Cosmogony, or creation of the world ; with a multitude of
excellent theories, by which the creation of a world is shown to be no
such difficult matter as common folk would imagine . . 5

Chap. III. — How that famous navigator Noah was shamefully nick-
named ; and how he committed an unpardonable oversight in not
having four sons — with the great trouble of philosophers caused
thereby, and the discovery of America . . . . .12

Chap. IV. — Showing the great diflBcidty philosophers have had in peo-
pUng America — and how the aborigines came to be begotten by acci-
dent— to the great relief and satisfaction of the author . . 1 G

Chap. V. — In which the author puts a mighty question to tlie rout, by

the assistance of the man in the moon — which not only delivers thou-

[ sands of people from great embarrassment, but likewise concludes this

introductory book 21

BOOK 11.

TREATING OF TILE FIRST SETTLEMENT OF THE PROVINCE OF NIEUW-
NEDERLANDTS.

Chap. I. — In which are contained divers reasons why a man should not
write in a huny — also of Master Hendrick Hudson, his discovery of
a strange country — and how he was magnificently re\varded by the
munificence of their High Mightinesses 33

Chap. II. — Containing an account of a mighty ark which floated, under
the protection of St. Nicholas, from Holland to Gibbet Island — the
descent of the strange animals therefrom — a great victory, and a de-
scription of the ancient village of Communipaw ... 40
A 2

IV CONTENTS.

Chap. III. — In which is set forth the true art of making a hargain — to-
gether ■nitli the miraculous escape of a great metropohs iu a fog — and
the ljiogra])hy of certain heroes of Conmiunipaw . . Page 45

Chap. IV. — How tlie heroes of Communipaw voyaged to Hell-gate, and
how they were received there .50

Chap. V. — How the heroes of Communipaw returned somewhat wiser
than they went — and how the sage Ololfe cbeamed a dream — and the
dream that he dreamed ........ 58

Chap. VI. — Containing an attempt at etymology — and of the founding of
the great city of New- Amsterdam .61

Chap. VII. — How the people of Pavonia migrated from Communipaw to
the island of ]Manna-hata — and how Oloffe the Dreamer proved him-
self a great land speculator ....... 63

Chap. VIII. — Of the founding and naming of the new city — of the city
arms — and t)f the direful feud between Ten Breeches and Tough
Breeches 65

Chap. IX How the city of New-Amsterdam waxed great under the

protection of St. Nicholas, and the absence of laws and statutes — how
Oloffe the Dreamer begun to dream of an extension of empire, and of
the effect of his dreams 69

BOOK III.

IN WHICH IS BECORDED THE GOLDEN REIGN OF ■VVOUTER VAN TWILLEB.

Chap. I. — Of the reno^Tied Wouter Van Twillei", his unparalleled virtues
— as likewise his unutterable wisdom in the law case of Wandle
Sclioonhoven and Barent Bleeeker — and the great admiration of the
public tlicreat 73

Chap. H. — Containing some account of the grand council of New- Am-
sterdam, as also divers especial good philosophical reasons why an
alderman should be fat — with other particulars touching the state of
the province . 79

Chap. III. — How the town of New-Amsterdam arose out of mud, and
came to be man-ellously polished and polite — together with a picture
of the manners of our great-great-grandfathers ... 86

Chap. IV. — Containing further particulars of the golden age, and what
constituted a fine lady and gentleman in the days of Walter the
Doubter '. . . 91

CiiAP. V. — Of the founding of Fort Aurania — of the mysteries of the
Hudson — of the arrival of the Patroon Kilhan Van Rensellaer ; his
lordly descent upon the earth, and his introduction of club law 95

Chap. VI. — In which the reader is beguiled into a delectable walk, which
ends veiy differently from what it commenced . . .97

Chap. VIL — Faithfully describing the ingenious people of Connecticut
and thereabouts — showing, moreover, the true meaning of lilwrty of
conscience, and a curious device among these sturdy barbarians, to
keep up a harmony of intercourse, and promote population . 101

Chap. VIII. — How these singular bai-barians turned out to be notorious
squatters — how they built air castles, and attempted to initiate the
Nederlandcrs iu the mystciy of bundling . , . .105

CONTENTS. V

Chap. IX. — How the Fort Goed Hoop was fearfully beleaguered — how
the renowned Woiiter fell into a profound doubt, and how he finally
evaporated \^. Page 108

BOOK IV.

CONTAINING THE CHRONICLES OF THE REIGN OF WILLIAM THE TESTY.

Chap. I. — Showing the nature of history in general ; containing further-
more the universal acquirements of WilHam the Testy, and how a man
may learn so much as to render himself good for nothing . 113

Chap. II. — How William the Testy undertook to conquer by proclama-
tion— how he was a great man abroad, but a little man in his own
house 116

Chap. III. — In which are recorded the sage projects of a lailer of uni-
versal genius — the art of fighting by proclamation — and hov/ that the
valiant Jacobus Van Curlet came to be foully dishonoured at Fort
Goed Hoop 119

Ch.ap. rV. — Containing the fearful wrath of AVilliam the Testy, and the
alarm of New- Amsterdam — how the governor did strongl}' fortify the
city — of Antony the Trumpeter, and the windy addition to the armo-
rial beai'ings of New-Amsterdam . . . . . .122

Chap. V. — Of the jurisprudence of William the Testy, and his admirable
expedients for the suppression of poverty . . . .125

Chap. VI. — Projects of William the Testy for increasing the currency —
he is outwitted by the Yankees — The great oj'ster war . . 128

Chap. VH. — Growing discontents of New- Amsterdam under the govern-
ment of William the Testy . .131

Chap. VIH. — The edict of William the Testy against tobacco — of the
pipe plot, and the rise of feuds and parties .... 133

Chai'. IX. — Of the folly of being happy in the time of prosperity — of
troubles to the south brought on liy anricxation — of the secret expedi-
tion of Jansen Alpendani, and his magnificent rewai'd . . 136

Chap. X. — Troublous times on the Hudson — how Killian Van Eensellaer
erected a feudal castle, and how he introduced club law into the
province . . . . . . . . . .139

Chap. XI. — Of the diplomatic mission of Antony the Trumpeter to the
Fortress of Eensellaerstein — and how he was puzzled by a cabalistic
reply 141

Chap. XH. — Containing the rise of the great Amphictyonic Council of the
pilgrims, with the decline and final extinction of William the Testy 144

BOOK V.

CONTAINING THE FIRST P.ART OF THE REIGN OF PETER STUTTESANT,
AND HIS TROUBLES WITH THE AJirillCTYONIC COUNCIL.

Chap. I. — In which the death of a great man is shown to be no very in-
consolable matter of sorrow — and how Peter Stuyvesant acquired a
great name from the uncommon strength of his head . .148
A 3

VI CONTENTS.

Chap. II. — Showing how Peter the Headstrong bestinxd himself among the
rats and cobwebs on entering into office ; his inter\'iew with Antony the
Trumpeter, and his perilous meddling with the currency . Page 153

Chap. III. — How the Yankee league waxed more and more potent — and
how it outwitted the good Peter in treaty-making . . .156

Chap. IV. — Containing divers speculations, showing that a treaty of
peace is a gi'eat national evil 160

Chap. V. — How Peter Stup-esant was grievously belied by the great
council of the league — and how he sent Antony the Trumpeter to
take to the council a piece of his mind . . . . .165

Chap. VL — How Peter Stuyvesant demanded a court of honour — and
of the court of honour awarded to him . . . " . .168

Chap. VH. — How " diiim ecclesiastic " was beaten throughout Connec-
ticut for a crasade against the New-Ketherlandts — and how Peter
Stuyvesant took measm'es to forti^" his capital . . .169

Chap. VIII. — How the Yankee crusade against the New-Xethei"lands
was bafHed by the sudden outbreak of witchcraft among the people of
the east , . 173

Chap. IX. — "Which records the rise and renown of a mihtary conmiander,
showing that a man, like a bladder, may be puffed up to greatness by
mere wind ; together with the catastrophe of a veteran and his
queue 176

BOOK YI.

CONTAIXns'G THE SECOND PART OF THE REIGN OF PETER THF HEAD-
STRONG, AND HIS GALLANT ACHIEVEMENTS ON THE DELAWARE.

Chap. I. — In which is exhibited a warlike portrait of the gi"eat Peter —
of the windy contest of General Van Poffenburgh and General Printz,
and of the !^Iusquitto war on the Delaware . . . .182

Chap. II. — Of Jan Risingh, his giantly person and crafty deeds — and of
the catastrophe at Fort Casimir 186

Chap. III. — Showing how profoimd secrets are often brought to light ;
with the proceedings of Peter the Headstrong when he heard of the
misfortunes of General Van Poffenburgh . . . .191

Chap. IV. — Containing Peter Stuy vesant's voyage up the Hudson, and
the wonders and delights of that renowned river • . . 196

Chap. V. — Describing the powerful army that assembled at the city of
New-Amsterdam, together with the interview between Peter the
Headstrong and General Van Poffenburgh, and Peter's sentiments
touching unfortunate great men 201

Ch.vp. VI. — In which the author discourses very ingeniously of himself;
after which is to be found much mteresting history about Peter the
Headstrong and his followers ...... 206

Chap. VII. — Showing the great advantage that the author has over his
reader in time of battle ; together with divers portentous movements,
which betoken that something temble is about to happen . 213

Chap. VIIL — Containing the most horrible battle ever recorded in poetrj-
or prose ; with the admirable exploits of Peter the Hcadsti-ong 217

CONTENTS. VU

Chap. IX. — In which the author and the reader, while reposing after the
battle, fall into a very grave discourse, after which is recorded the
conduct of Peter Stuyvesant after liis victory . . . Page 225

BOOK VII.

CONTAINING THE THIRD PART OP THE REIGN OF PETER THE HEAD-
STRONG ; HIS TROtTBLES WITH THE BRITISH NATION, AND THE
DECLINE AND PALL OF THE DUTCH DYNASTY.

Chap. I. — How Peter Stuyvesant relieved the sovereign people from the
bmthen of taking care of the nation ; with sundry particulars of his
conduct in the time of peace, and of the rise of a great Dutch aris-
tocracy . 232

Chap. II. — How Peter Stuyvesant laboured to civilise the community —
how he was a great promoter of holidays — how he instituted kissing
on New-Year's Day — how he distributed fiddles throughout the New-
Netherlands — how he ventured to I'eform the ladies' petticoats, and
how he caught a Tartar 237

Chap. III. — How troubles thicken on the province — how it is thi-eatened
by the Helderbergers, the Merrylanders, and the giants of the Sus-
quehanna .... 240

Chap. IV. — How Peter Stuyvesant adventm-ed into the East Country,
and how he fared there 242

Chap. V. — How the Yankees secretly sought the aid of the British
Cabinet in their hostile schemes against the Manliattoes . . 247

Chap. VI. — Of Peter Stuyvesant's expedition into the East Country,
showing that, though an old bird, he did not understand trap . 248

Chap. VH. — How the people of New- Amsterdam were thrown into a
great panic, by the news of the threatened invasion, and the manner
in which they fortified themselves 253

Chap. VIII. — How the Grand Council of the New-Netherlands were
miraculously gifted with long tongues in the moment of emergency ;
showing the value of words in warlare 254

Chap. IX. — In which the troubles of New-Amsterdam appear to thicken;
showing the bravery, in time of peril, of a people who defend them-
selves by resolutions . . . . . . . .257

Chap. X. — Containing a doleftil disaster of Antony the Trumpeter; and
how Peter Stuyvesant, lilce a second Cromwell, suddenly dissolved a
Eump Parliament 263

Chap. XL — How Peter Stuyvesant defended the city of New- Amsterdam
for several days, by dint of the strength of his head . . 267

Chap. XII. — Containing the dignified retirement, and mortal smxender
of Peter the Headstrong 272

Chap. XHI. — The author's reflections upon what has been said . 277

A 4

THE AUTHOR'S APOLOGY.

The following work, in whicla, at the outset, nothing more was
contemplated than a temporary jeu-d'esprit, was commenced in
company with my brother, the late Peter Irving, Esq. Our idea
was to parody a small hand-book which had recently ap-
peared, entitled " A Picture of New York." Like that, our work
was to begin with an historical sketch; to be followed by notices of
the customs, manners, and institutions of the city ; written in a
serio-comic vein, and treating local errors, follies, and abuses with
good-humoured satire.

To burlesque the pedantic lore displayed in certain American
works, our historical sketch was to commence with the creation of
the world ; and we laid all kinds of works under contribution for
trite citations, relevant or irrelevant, to give it the proper air of
learned research. Before this crude mass of mock ei'udition could
be digested into form, my brother departed for Europe, and I was
left to prosecute the enterprise alone.

I now altered the plan of the work. Discarding all idea of a
parody on the Picture of New-York, I determined that what had
been originally intended as an introductory sketch, should comprise
the whole work, and form a comic history of the city. I accord-
ingly moulded the mass of citations and disquisitions into intro-
ductory chapters, forming the first book ; but it soon became
evident to me that, like Robinson Crusoe with his boat, I had
begun on too large a scale, and that, to launch my history success-
fully, I must reduce its proportions. I accordingly resolved to
confine it to the period of the Dutch domination, which, in its rise,
progress, and decline, presented that unity of subject required by
classic rule. It was a period, also, at that time almost a terra in-
cognita in history. In fact, I was surprised to find how few of my
fellow-citizens were aware that New-York had ever been called
New-Amsterdam, or had heard of the names of its early Dutch
governors, or cared a straw about their ancient Dutch progenitors.

This, then, broke upon me as the poetic age of our city ; poetic
from its very obscurity ; and open, like the early and obscure days
of ancient Rome, to all the embellishments of heroic fiction. I
hailed my native city, as fortunate above all other American cities,
in having an antiquity thus extending back into the regions of
doubt and fable; neither did I conceive I was committing any

THE AUTHORS APOLOGY. IX

grievous historical sin in helping out the few facts I could collect
in this remote and forgotten region with figments of my own brain,
or in giving characteristic attributes to the few names connected
with it which I might dig up from oblivion.

In this, doubtless, I reasoned like a young and inexperienced
writer, besotted with his own fancies ; and my presumptuous tres-
passes into this sacred, though neglected, region of history have
met with deserved rebuke from men of soberer minds. It is too
late, however, to recall the shaft thus rashly launched. To any
one whose sense of fitness it may wound, I can only say with Hamlet,

Let my disclaiming from a purposed evil
Free me so far in your most generous thoughts,
That I have shot my arrow o'er the house,
And hurt my brother.

I will say this in further apology for my woi'k : that if it has
taken an unwarrantable liberty with our early provincial history,
it has at least turned attention to that history, and provoked re-
search. It is only since this work appeared, that the forgotten ar-
chives of the province have been rummaged, and the facts and
personages of the olden time rescued from the dust of oblivion, and
elevated into whatever importance they may actually possess.

The main object of my work, in fact, had a bearing wide from
the sober aim of history, but one which, I trust, will meet with
some indulgence from poetic minds. It was to embody the tradi-
tions of our city in an amusing form ; to illustrate its local hu-
mours, customs, and peculiarities; to clothe home scenes and places
and familiar names with those imaginative and whimsical associa-
tions so seldom met with in our new country, but which live like
charms and spells about the cities of the old world, binding the
heart of the native inhabitant to his home.

In this I have reason to believe I have in some measiire suc-
ceeded. Before the appearance of my work the popular traditions
of our city were unrecorded; the peculiar and racy customs and
usages derived from our Dutch progenitors were unnoticed, or re-
garded with indiflerence, or adverted to with a sneer. Now they
form a convivial currency, and are brought forward on all occa-
sions ; they link our whole community together in good humour
and good fellowship ; they are the rallying points of home feeling ;
the seasoning of our civic festivities ; the staple of local tales and
local pleasantries ; and are so harped upon by our writers of popu-
lar fiction, that I find myself almost crowded oiF the legendary
ground which I was the first to explore by the host who have fol-
lowed in my footsteps.

I dwell on this head because, at the first appearance of my work,
its aim and drift were misapprehended by some of the descendants
of the Dutch worthies, and because I undeistand that now and then
one may still be found to regard it with a captious eye. The far

X XOTICES.

greater part, however, I have reason to flatter myself, receive my
good-humoured picturings in the same temper with which they
were executed ; and when I find, after a lapse of nearly forty years,
this hap-hazard production of my youth still cherished among them;
when I find its very name become a " household word," and used
to give the home stamp to every thing recommended for popular
acceptation, such as Knickerbocker societies, Knickerbocker in-
surance companies, Knickerbocker steamboats, Knickerbocker om-
nibuses, Knickerbocker bread, and Knickerbocker ice ; and when
I found New-Yorkers of Dutch descent priding themselves upon
being " genuine Knickerbockers," I pleased myself with the per-
suasion that I have struck the right chord ; that my dealings with
the good old Dutch times, and the customs and usages derived from
them, are in harmony with the feelings and humours of my towns-
men ; that I have opened a vein of pleasant associations and quaint
characteristics peculiar to my native place, and which its inhabit-
ants will not willin<ily suffer to pass away ; and that, though other
histories of New-York may appear of higher claims to learned
acceptation, and may take their dignified and appropriate rank in
the family library, Knickerbocker's history will still be received
with good-humoured indulgence, and be thumbed and chuckled
over by the family fireside.

W.I.

Sunnyside, 1848.

WHICH APPEARED IX THE NEWSPAPERS PREVIOUS TO THE
PLIBLICATIOS OF THIS WORK.

From the Evening Post of October 2G. 1809.
DISTRESSING.

Left his lodgings some time since, and has not since been heard of, a small
elderly gentleman, dressed in an old black coat and cocked hat, by the name
of Knickerbocker. As there are some reasons for believing he is not entirely
in his right mind, and as great anxiety is entertained about him, any informa-
tion concerning him, left either at the Columbian Hotel, ^Mulberry Street, or
at the office of this paper, will be thankfully received.

P. S. Printers of newspapers would be aiding the cause of humanity in
giving an insertion to the above.

From the same, November 6. 1809.

To the Editor of the Evening Post:

Sir, — Having read, in your paper of the 26th October last, a paragraph
respecting an old gentleman by the name of Knickerbocker, who was missing

NOTICES. XI

from his lodgings ; if it would be any relief to his friends, or furnish them
with any clue to discover where he is, you may inform them that a person
answering the description given, was seen by the passengers of the Albany
stage, early in the morning, about four or five weeks since, resting himself by
the side of the road, a little above King's Bridge. He had in his hand a small
bundle tied in a red bandana handkerchief : lie appeared to be travelling
northward, and was very much fatigued and exhausted.

A Traveller.

From the same, November 16. 1809.
To the Editor of the Evening Post :

Sir, — You have been good enough to publish in your paper a paragraph
about Mr. Diedrich Knickerbocker, who was missing so strangely some time
since. Nothing satisfactory has been heard of the old gentleman since; but
a very curious kind of a written book has been found in his loom, in his own
handwriting. Now 1 wish you to notice him, if he is ttili alive, that if he does
not return and pay off his bill for boarding and lodging, I shall have to dis-
pose of his book to satisfy me for the same.

I am, Sir, your humble servant,

Seth HandAside.
Landlord of the Independent Columbian Hotel, Mulberry Street.

From the same, November 28. 1809.

LITERARY NOTICE.

Inskeep and Bradfohu have in the press, and will shortly publish,

A History of New-York,

In two volumes, duodecimo. Price three dollars.

Containing an account of its discovery and settlement, with its internal
policie-;, manners, customs, wars, &c. &c., under the Dutch government, fur-
nishing many curious and interesting particulars never before published, and
which are gathered from various manuscript and other authenticated sources,
the whole being interspersed with philosophical speculations and moral
precepts.

This work was found in the chamber of Mr. Diedrich Knickerbocker, the
old gentleman whose sudden and mysterious disappearance has been noticed.
It is published in order to discharge certain debts he has left behind.

From the American Citizen, December 6. 1809.

Is this day published.

By Inskeep and Bradford, No. 128. Broadway,

A History of New-York,

&c. &c.

(Containing same as above.)

ACCOUNT OF THE AUTHOR.

It was some time, if I recollect right, in the early part of
the autumn of 1808, that a stranger applied for lodgings at
the " Independent Columbian Hotel" in Mulberry Street, of
which I am landlord. He was a small, brisk-looking old
gentleman, dressed in a rusty black coat, a pair of olive
velvet breeches, and a small cocked hat. He had a few grey
hairs plaited and clubbed behind, and his beard seemed to be
of some eight-and-forty hours growth. The only piece of
finery which he bore about him, was a bright pair of square
silver shoebuckles, and all his baggage was contained in a
pair of saddle-bags, which he carried under his arm. His
whole appeai'ance was sometliing out of the common run ;
and my wife, who is a very shrewd body, at once set him
down for some eminent country schoolmaster.

As the " Independent Columbian Hotel " is a very small
house, I was a little puzzled at first where to put him ; but
my wife, who seemed taken with his looks, would needs put
him in her best chamber, which is genteelly set off with the
profiles of the whole family, done in black, by those two great
painters, Jarvis and Wood ; and commands a very pleasant
view of the new grounds on the Collect, together with the
rear of the Poor House and Bridewell, and a full front of the
Hospital; so that it is the cheerfulest room in the whole
house.

During the whole time that he stayed with us, we found
him a very worthy good sort of an old gentleman, though a
little queer in his ways. He would keep in his room for days
together, and if any of the children cried, or made a noise
about his door, he would bounce out in a great passion, with
his hands full of papers, and say something about " deranging
his ideas ; " which made my wife believe sometimes that he
was not altogether compos. Indeed, there was more than one
reason to make her think so, for his room was always covered
with scraps of paper and old mouldy books, lying about

ACCOUNT OF THE AUTHOR. Xlll

at sixes and sevens, which he would never let any body touch ;
for he said he had laid them all away in their proper places,
so that he might know Avhere to find them ; though, for that
matter, he was half his time worrying about the house in
search of some book or writing which he had carefully put
out of the way. I shall never forget what a pother he once
made, because my wife cleaned out his room when his back
was turned, and put every thing to rights ; for he swore he
would never be able to get his papers in order again in a twelve-
month. Upon this my wife ventured to ask him what he did
with so many books and papers ; and he told her, that he was
"seeking for immortality ; " which made her think more than
ever, that the poor old gentleman's head was a little cracked.

He was a very inquisitive body, and when not in his room
was continually poking about town, hearing all the news, and
prying into every thing that was going on : this was particu-
larly the case about election time, when he did nothing but
bustle about from poll to poll, attending all ward meetings
and committee-rooms ; though I could never find that he took
part with either side of the question. On the contrary, he
would come home and rail at both parties with great wrath ;
and plainly proved one day, to the satisfaction of my wife
and three old ladies who were drinking tea with her, that the
two parties were like two rogues, each tugging at the skirt
of the nation ; and that in the end they would tear the very
coat oflf its back, and expose its nakedness. Indeed he was
an oracle among the neighbours, who would collect around
him to hear him talk of an afternoon, as he smoked his pipe
on the bench before the door ; and I really believe he would
have brought over the whole neighbourhood to his own side of
the question, if they could ever have found out what it was.

He was very much given to argue, or, as he called it, phi-
losophise, about the most trifiing matter; and to do him jus-
tice, I never knew any body that was a match for him, except
it was a grave looking old gentleman who called now and
then to see him, and otten posed him in an argument. But
this is nothing surprising, as I have since found out this
stranger is the city librarian, who, of course, must be a man
of great learning ; and I have my doubts, if he had not some
hand in the following history.

As our lodger had been a long time with us, and we had
never received any pay, my wife began to be somewhat un-

XIV . ACCOUNT OF THE AUTHOR.

easy, and curious to find out who and what he was. She
accordingly made bold to put the question to his friend, the
librarian, who replied in his dry way that he was one of the
literati, which she supposed to mean some new party in
politics. I scorn to push a lodger for his pay ; so I let day
after day pass on without dunning the old gentleman for a
farthing ; but my wife, who always takes these matters on
herself, and is, as I said, a shrewd kind of a woman, at last got
out of patience, and hinted, that she thought it high time
" some people should have a sight of some people's money."
To which the old gentleman replied, in a mighty touchy
manner, that she need not make herself uneasy, for that he
had a treasure there (pointing to his saddle-bags), worth her
whole house put together. This was the only answer we
could ever get from him ; and as my wife, by some of those
odd ways in which women find out every thing, learnt that
he was of very great connections, being related to the Knick-
erbockers of vScaghtikoke, and cousin-german to the congress-
man of that name, she did not like to treat him uncivilly. What
is more, she even oifered, merely by way of making things
easy, to let him live scot-fi'ee, if he would teach the children
their letters ; and to try her best and get her neighbours to
send their children also ; but the old gentleman took it in
such dudgeon, and seemed so affronted at being taken for a
schoolmaster, that she never dared to speak on the subject
again.

About tw^o months ago, he went out of a morning, with a
bundle in his hand, and has never been heard of since. All
kinds of inquiries were made after him, but in vain. I wrote
to his relations at Scaghtikoke, but they sent for answer, that
he had not been there since the year before last, when he had
a great dispute with the congressman about politics, and left
the place in a huff, and they had neither heard nor seen any
thing of him from that time to this. I must own I felt very
much worried about the poor old gentleman, for I thought
something bad must have happened to him, that he should
be missing so long, and never return to pay his bill. I there-
fore advertised him in the newspapers, and though my me-
lancholy advertisement was published by several humane
printers, yet I have never been able to learn any thing satis-
factory about him.

My wife now said it was high time to take cai*e of our-

ACCOUNT OF THE AUTHOR. XV

selves, and see if he had left anything behind in his room,
that would pay us for his board and lodging. We found
nothing, hoAvever, but some old books, and musty writings,
and his saddle-bags ; which, being opened in the presence of
the librarian, contained only a few articles of worn-out
clothes, and a large bundle of blotted paper. On looking
over this, the librarian told us, he had no doubt it was the
treasure which the old gentleman had spoken about ; as it
proved to be a most excellent and faithful History of New-
Yopjv, which he advised us by all means to publish, assuring
us that it would be so eagerly bought up by a discerning
public, that he had no doubt it would be enough to pay our
arrears ten times over. Upon this we got a very learned
schoolmaster, who teaches our children, to prepare it for the
press, which he accordingly has done ; and has, moreover,
added to it a number of valuable notes of his own.

This, therefore, is a true statement of my reasons for hav-
ing this work printed, without waiting for the consent of the
author : and I here declare, that if he ever returns, (though
I much fear some unhappy accident has befallen him,) I stand
ready to account with him like a true and honest man.
Which is all at present,

From the Public's humble servant,

Seth Handaside.

Independent Columbian Hotel, New-York.

The foregoing account of the author was prefixed to the
first edition of this work. Shortly after its publication a
letter was received from him, by Mr. Handaside, dated at a
small Dutch village on the banks of the Hudson, whither he
had travelled for the purpose of inspecting certain ancient
records. As this was one of those few and happy villages,
into which newspapers never find their way, it is not a matter
of surprise, that Mr. Knickerbocker should never have seen
the numerous advertisements that were made concerning
him, and that he should learn of the publication of his history
by mere accident.

He expressed much concern at its premature appearance,
as thereby he was prevented from making several important
corrections and alterations ; as well as from profiting by many
curious hints which he had collected durin<r his travels alonjij

XVI ACCOUNT OF THE AUTHOR.

the shores of the Tappan Sea, and his sojourn at Haverstraw
and Esopus.

Finding that there was no longer any immediate necessity
for iiis return to New- York, he extended liis journey up to
the residence of his relations at Scaghtikoke. On his way
thither, he stopped for some days at Albany, for which city
he is known to have entertained a great partiality. He found
it, however, considerably altered, and was much concerned
at the inroads and improvements which the Yankees were
making, and the consequent decline of the good old Dutch
manners. Indeed, he was informed that these intruders
were making sad innovations in all parts of the state ; where
they had given great trouble and vexation to the regular
Dutch settlers, by the introduction of turnpike gates and
country school-houses. It is said, also, that Mr. Knicker-
bocker shook his head sorrowfully at noticing the gradual
decay of the great Vander Heyden Palace ; but was highly
indignant at finding that the ancient Dutch church, which
stood in the middle of the street, had been pulled down since
his last visit.

The fame of Mr. Knickerbocker's history having reached
even to Albany, he received much flattering attention from
its worthy burghers, some of whom, however, pointed out two
or three very great errors he had fallen into, particularly that
of suspending a lump of sugar over the Albany tea-tables,
which, they assured him, had been discontinued for some
years past. Several families, moreover, were someAvhat
jiiqued that their ancestors had not been mentioned in his
work, and showed great jealousy of their neighbours who
had thus been distinguished ; Avhile the latter, it must be
confessed, plumed themselves vastly thereupon, considering
these recordings in the light of letters-patent of nobility, es-
tablishing their claims to ancestry — which, in this repub-
lican country, is a matter of no little solicitude and vainglory.

It is also Sciid, that he enjoyed high favour and counte-
nance from the governor, who once asked him to dinner, and
was seen two or three times to shake hands with him, when
they met in the street; which certainly was going great
lengths, considering that they differed in politics. Indeed,
certain of the governor's confidential friends, to whom he
could venture to speak his mind freely on such matters, have
assured us, that he privately entertained a considerable good

ACCOUKT OF THE ALTHOR. XVU

will for onr author ; nny, lie even once went so fnr ns to tleelare,
and that openly too, and at his own table, just after dinner,
that " Knickerbocker was a very well meaning sort of an old
gentleman, and no fool." From all which many liave been led
to suppose, that had our author been of different politics, and
written for the newspapers instead of wasting his talents on
Iiistories, he might have risen to some post of honour, and
profit: peradventure, to be a notary public, or even a justice
in the ten-pound court.

Beside the honours and civilities already mentioned, he
•was much caressed by the literati of Albany ; particularly
by Mr. John Cook, who entertained him very hospitably at
his circulating library and reading room, where they used to
drink Spa water, and talk about the ancients. He found Mr.
Cook a man after his own heart — of great literary research,
and a curious collector of books. At parting, the latter, in
testimony of friendship, made him a present of the two oldest
works in his collection ; which were the earliest edition of the
Heidelberg Catechism, and Adrian Vander Donck's famous
account of the New-Netherlands : by the last of which, Mr.
Knickerbocker profited greatly in this his second edition.

Having passed some time very agreeably at Albany, our
author proceeded to Scaghtikoke : where, it is but justice to
say, he was received Avith open arms, and treated with wonder-
ful loving-kindness. He was much looked up to by the
family, being the first historian of the name; and was con-
sidered almost as great a man as his cousin the congressman —
with Avhom, by the by, he became perfectly reconciled, and
contracted a strong friendship.

In spite, however, of the kindness of his relations, and
their great attention to his comforts, the old gentleman soon
became restless and discontented. His history being pub-
lished, he had no longer any business to occupy his thoughts,
or any scheme to excite his hopes and anticipations. This,
to a busy mind like his, was a truly deplorable situation ;
and, had he not been a man of inflexible morals and regular
habits, there would have been great danger of his taking to
politics, or drinking — both Avhich pernicious vices we daily
see men driven to, by mere spleen and idleness.

It is true, he sometimes employed himself in preparing a
.second edition of his history, wherein he endeavoured to cor-
rect and improve many passages with which he was dissatis-

a

XVIU ACCOUNT OF THE AUTHOR.

fied, and to rectify some mistakes that had crept into it ; for
he was particularly anxious that his work should be noted
for its authenticity ; which, indeed, is the very life and soul
of history. But the glow of composition had departed — he
had to leave many places untouched, which he would fain
have altered ; and even where he did make alterations, he
seemed always in doubt whether they were for the better or
the worse.

After a residence of some time at Scaghtikoke, he began to
feel a strong desire to return to New-York, which he ever re-
garded with the warmest affection; not merely because it was
his native city, but because he really considered it the very
best city in the whole world. On his return, he entered
into the full enjoyment of the advantages of a literary repu-
tation. He was continually importuned to write advertise-
ments, petitions, handbills, and productions of similar import;
and, although he never meddled with the public papers, yet
had he the credit of writing innumerable essays and smart
things, that appeared on all subjects, and all sides of the
question, in all which he was clearly detected " by his style."

He contracted, moreover, a considerable debt at the post-
office, in consequence of the numerous letters he received
from authors and printers soliciting his subscription, and he
was applied to by every charitable society for yearly dona-
tions, which he gave very cheerfully, considering these ap-
plications as so many compliments. He was once invited to
a great corporation dinner, and was even twice summoned
to attend as a juryman at the court of quarter sessions. In-
deed, so renowned did he become, that he could no longer pry
about, as formerly, in all holes and corners of the city, ac-
cording to the bent of his humour, unnoticed and uninter-
rupted ; but several times when he has been sauntering the
streets on his usual rambles of observation, equipped witli
his cane and cocked hat, the little boys at play have been
known to cry, " there goes Diedrich ! " at which the old
gentleman seemed not a little pleased, looking upon these
salutations in the light of the praise of posterity.

In a word, if we take into consideration all these various
honours and distinctions, together with an exuberant eulogium,
passed on him in the Port Folio (with which, we are told,
the old gentleman was so much overpowered that he was sick
for two or three days) it must be confessed, that few authors

ACCOUNT OF THE AUTHOR. XIX

have ever lived to receive sucli illustrious rewards, or have
so completely enjoyed in advance their own immortality.

After his return from Scaghtikoke, Mr. Knickerbocker took
up his residence at a little rural retreat, which the Stuy-
vesants had granted him on the family domain, in gratitude
for his honourable mention of their ancestor. It was plea-
santly situated on the borders of one of the salt marshes be-
yond Corlear's Hook ; subject, indeed, to be occasionally
overflowed, and much infested, in the summer time, with
musquittos; but otherwise very agreeable, producing abun-
dant crops of salt grass and bulrushes.

Here, we are sorry to say, the good old gentleman fell dan-
gerously ill of a fever, occasioned by the neighbouring marshes.
When he found his end approaching, he disposed of his
worldly affairs, leaving the bulk of his fortune to the New
York Historical Society ; his Heidelberg Catechism and
Vander Donck's work to the city library ; and his saddle-
bags to Mr. Handaside. He forgave all his enemies — that
is to say, all who bore any enmity towards him ; for as to
himself, he declared he died in good will with all the world.
And, after dictating several kind messages to his relations at
Scaghtikoke, as well as to certain of our most substantial
Dutch citizens, he expired in the arms of his friend, the
librarian.

His remains were interred, according to his own request,
in St. Mark's churchyard, close by the bones of his favourite
hero, Peter Stuyvesant ; and it is rumoured, that the His-
torical Society have it in mind to erect a wooden monument
to his memory iu the Bowling Green.

TO THE PUBLIC.

"To rescue from oblivion the memory of foimer inciaents,
;uid to render a just tribute of renown to the many great and
•wonderful transactions of our Dutch pi'ogenitors, Diedricli
Knickerbocker, native of the city of New York, produces
this historical essay."* Like the great Father of Historj-,
whose words I have just quoted, I treat of times long past,
over which the twilight of uncertainty had already tlirown
its shadows, and tlie night of forgetfulness was about to
descend for ever. With great solicitude had I long beheld
the early history of this venerable and ancient city gradually
slipping from our grasp, trembling on the lips of narrative
old age, and day by day dropping piecemeal into the tomb.
In a little while, thought I, and those reverend Dutch bur-
ghers, who serve as the tottering monuments of good old
times, will be gathered to their fathers; their children, en-
grossed by the empty pleasures or insignificant transactions
of the present age, will neglect to treasure np the recollec-
tions of the past, and posterity will search in vain for me-
morials of the days of the patriai'chs. The origin of our city
will be buried in eternal oblivion, and even the names and
achievements of Wouter Van Twiller, William Ivieft, and
Peter Stuyvesant, be enveloped in doubt and fiction, like
those of Romulus and Remus, of Charlemagne, king Arthur,
Rinaldo, and Godfrey of Boulogne.

Determined, therefore, to avert if possible this threatened
misfortune, I industriously set myself to work to gather to-
gether all the fragments of our infant history which still
existed; and, like my revered prototype, Herodotus, where no
written records could be found, I have endeavoured to con-
tinue the chain of history by well-authenticated traditions.

In this arduous undertaking, which has been the wliole
business of a long and solitary life, it is incredible the number

* Beloe's Herodotus.

TO THE PUBLIC. XXI

of learned authors I have consulted, and all but to little pur-
pose. Strange as it may seem, though such multitudes of
excellent works have been written about this country, there
are none extant which gave any full and satisfactory account
of the early history, of New York, or of its three first Dutch
governors. I have, however, gained much valuable and
curious matter, from an elaborate manuscript, written in ex-
ceeding pure and classic low Dutch, excepting a few errors
in orthography, which was found in the archives of the Stuy-
vesant family. Many legends, letters, and other documents
have I likewise gleaned in ray researches among the family
chests and lumber garrets of our respectable Dutch citizens ;
and I have gathered a host of well- authenticated traditions
from divers excellent old ladies of my acquaintance, Avho re-
quested that their names might not be mentioned. Nor must
I neglect to acknowledge how greatly I have been assisted
by that admirable and praiseworthy institution, the Ninv-
YonK Historical Society, to which I here publicly return
my sincere acknowledgments.

In the conduct of this inestimable work I have adopted no
individual model ; but, on the contrary, have simply contented
myself with combining and concentrating the excellences of
the most approved ancient historians. Like Xenophon, I have
maintained the utmost impartiality, and the strictest adherence
to truth throughout my history. I have enriched it after tlie
manner of Sallust, with various characters of ancient wortliies,
drawn at full length and faithfully coloured. I have seasoned
it with profound political speculations like Thucydides,
sweetened it with the graces of sentiment like Tacitus, and
infused into the whole the dignit}^, the grandeur, and mag-
nificence of Livy.

I am aware that I shall incur the censure of numerous very
learned and judicious critics, for indulging too frequently in
the bold excursive manner of my favourite Herodotus. And
to be candid, I have found it impossible always to resist the
allurements of those pleasing episodes, which, like flowery
banks and fragrant bowers, beset the dusty road of the his-
torian, and entice him to turn aside, and refresh himself from
his wayAiring. But I trust it will be found that I have
always resumed my staff, and addressed myself to my weary
journey with renovated spirits, so that both my readers and
myself have been benefited by the reiuxation.

XXU TO THE PUBLIC.

Indeed, though it has been my constant wish and uniform
endeavour to rival Polybius himself, in observing the re-
quisite unity of history, yet the loose and unconnected manner
in which many of the facts herein recorded have come to
hand, rendered such an attempt extremely difficult. This
difficulty was likewise increased by one of the grand objects
contemplated in my work, which was to trace the rise of
sundry customs and institutions in this best of cities, and to
compare them, when in the germ of infancy, with what they
are in the present old age of knowledge and improvement.

But the chief merit on which I value myself, and found my
hopes for future regard, is that faithful veracity with which I
have compiled this invaluable little work ; carefully winnow-
ing away the chaff of hypothesis, and discarding the tares of
fable, which are too apt to spring up and choke the seeds of
truth and wholesome knowledge. Had I been anxious to
captivate the superficial throng, who skim like swallows over
the surface of literature ; or had I been anxious to commend
my writings to the pampered palates of literary epicures, I
might have availed myself of the obscurity that overshadows
the infant years of our city, to introduce a thousand pleasing
fictions. But I have scrupulously discarded many a pithy
tale and marvellous adventure, whereby the drowsy ear of
summer indolence might be enthralled ; jealously maintaining
that iidelity, gravity, and dignity, w^hich should ever distin-
guish the historian. " For a writer of this class," observes
an elegant critic, " must sustain the character of a wise man,
writing for the instruction of posterity ; one who has studied
to inform himself well, who has pondered his subject with
care, and addresses himself to our judgment rather than to
our imagination."

Thrice happy, therefore, is this our renowned city, in
having incidents worthy of swelling the theme of history ;
and doubly thrice happy is it in having such an historian as
myself to relate them. For after all, gentle reader, cities of
themselves, and, in fact, empires of themselves, are nothing
without an historian. It is the patient narrator who records
their prosperity as they rise — who blazons forth the splendour
of their noontide meridian — who props their feeble memo-
rials as they totter to decay — who gathers together their
scattered fragments as they rot — and who piously, at length,
collects their ashes into the mausoleum of his work.and rears

TO THE PUBLIC. XXIU

a monument that will transmit their renown to all succeeding
ages.

What has been the fate of many fair cities of antiquity,
whose nameless ruins encumber the plains of Europe and
Asia, and awaken the fruitless inquiry of the traveller ? They
have sunk into dust and silence — they have perished from
remembrance for want of an historian ! The philanthropist
may weep over their desolation — the poet may wander
among their mouldering arches and broken columns, and in-
dulge the visionary flights of his fancy — but, alas! alas! the
modern historian, whose pen, like my own, is doomed to
confine itself to dull matter of fact, seeks in vain among their
oblivious remains for some memorial that may tell the in-
structive tale of their glory and their ruin.

" Wars, conflagrations, deluges," says Aristotle, " destroy
nations, and with them all their monuments, their discoveries,
and their vanities. The torch of science has more than once
been extinguished and rekindled — a few individuals, who
have escaped by accident, reunite the thread of generations."

The same sad misfortune which has happened to so many
ancient cities, will happen again, and from the same sad cause,
to nine-tenths of those which now flourish on the face of the
globe. With most of them the time for recording their early
history is gone by ; their origin, their foundation, together
with the eventful period of their youth, are for ever buried
in the rubbish of years ; and the same would have been the
case with this fair portion of the earth, if I had not snatched
it from obscurity in the very nick of time, at the moment
that those matters herein recorded were about entering into
the wide-spread insatiable maw of oblivion — if I had not
dragged them out, as it were, by the very locks, just as the
monster's adamantine fangs were closing upon them for ever !
And here have I, as before observed, carefully collected, col-
lated, and arranged them, scrip and scrap, '■'•punt en punt,
gat en gat" and commenced in this little work, a history to
serve as a foundation, on which other historians may here-
after raise a noble superstructure, swelling in process of time,
until Knickerbocker s Netc-York may be equally voluminous
with GihhorHs Home, or Hume and Smollet's Kngla.ndl

And now indulge me lor a moment, while I lay down my
pen, skip to some little eminence at the distance of two or
three hundred years ahead ; and, casting back a bird's-eye

SXIV TO THE PUBLIC.

glance over the waste of years that is to roll between, dis-
cover myself — little I — at this moment the progenitor, pro-
totype, and precursor of them all, posted at the head of this
host of literary worthies, with my book under my arm, and
New-York on my back, pressing forward, like a gallant com-
mander, to honour and immortality.

Such are tlie vainglorious imaginings that will now and
then enter into the brain of the author — that irradiate, as
with celestial light, his solitary chamber, cheering his weary
spirits, and animating him to persevere in his labours. And
I have freely given utterance to these rhapsodies whenever
they have occurred ; not, I trust, from an unusual spirit of
egotism, but merely that the reader may for once have an
idea, how an author thinks and feels while he is writing —
a kind of knowledge very rare and curious, and much to be
desired.

HISTOIIY OF T\^EW-YORK.

BOOK I.

CONTAINING DIVERS INGENIOUS THEORIES AND PIIILOSOPIIIC
SPECULATIONS, CONCEPvNING THE CREATION AND POPU-
LATION OF THE "WORLD, AS CONNECTED WITH THE HISTORY
OF NEW-YORK.

CHAPTER I.

According to tlie best autliorities, tlie world in which we
dwell is a huge, opaque, reflecting, inanimate mass, floating
in the vast ethereal ocean of infinite space. It has the fornri
of an orange, being an oblate spheroid, curiously flattened
at opposite parts, for the insertion of two imaginaiy poles,
which are supposed to penetrate and unite at the centre ;
thus forming an axis on which the mighty orange turns with
a regular diurnal revolution.

The transitions of liglit and darkness, whence proceed the
alternations of day and night, are produced by this diurnal
revolution successively presenting the different parts of the
earth to the i-ays of the sun. The latter is, according to the
best, that is to say, the latest accounts, a luminous or fiery
body, of a prodigious magnitude, from which this world is
driven by a centrifugal or repelling power, and to which it
is drawn by a centripetal or attractive force ; otherwise called
the attraction of gravitation ; the combination, or rather the
■counteraction, of these two opposing impulses producing a
circular and annual revolution. Hence result the different
seasons of the year, viz., spring, summer, autumn, and winter.

This I believe to be the most approved modern theory on
the subject — though there be many philosophers who have
entertained very different opinions ; some, too, of them en-
titled to much deference from their great antiquity and il-
lustrious characters. Thus it was advanced by some of the
ancient sages, that the earth was an extended plain, supported
by vast pillars; and by others, tliat it rested on the head of a,
snake, or the back of a huge tortoise — but as they did not pro-
vide a resting place for either the pillars or the tortoise, the
vhole theory fell to the ground, for want of proper foundation.

2 niSTOKT OF NEW- YORK. [bOOK I.

The Brahmins assert, that the heavens rest upon the earth,
;nid the sun and moon swim therein like fishes in the water,
moving from east to west by day, and gliding along the edge
of the horizon to their original stations during night* ; while,
according to the Pauranicas of India, it is a vast plain, en-
I'ircled by seven oceans of milk, nectar, and other delicious
liquids; that it is studded with seven mountains, and orna-.
mented in the centre by a mountainous rock of burnished
gold ; and that a great dragon occasionally swallows up the
moon, which accounts for the phenomena of lunar eclipses, f

Beside these, and many other equally sage opinions, we
liave the profound conjectures of Aboul-Hassan-Aly, son of
Al Khan, son of Aly. son of Abderrahman, son of Abdallah,
son of Masoudel-Hadheli, who is commonly called Masoudi,
and surnamed Cothbiddin, but who takes the humble title of
Laheb-ar-rasoul, which means the companion of the ambas-
sador of God. He has written a universal history, entitled
'• Mouroudge-ed-dharab, or the Golden Meadows, and the
IMines of Precious Stones."! In this valuable work he has
related the history of the world, from the creation down to
the moment of writing ; which was under the Khaliphat of
Mothi Billah, in the month Dgioumadi-el-aoual of the 336th
year of the Hegira or flight of the Prophet. He infoi'ms us
that the earth is a huge bird, Mecca and Medina constituting
the head, Persia and India the riglit wing, the land of Gog
the left wing, and Africa the tail. He informs us, moreover,
that an earth has existed before the present (which he con-
siders as a mere chicken of 7000 years), that it lias undergone
•livers deluges, and that, according to the opinion of some
well-informed Brahmins of his acquaintance, it will be re-
novated every seventy thousandth hazarouam ; each hazarouam
consisting of 12,000 years.

These are a few of the many contradictory opinions of phi-
losophers concerning the earth, and we find that the learned
have had equal perplexity as to the nature of the sun. Some
of the ancient philosophers have affirmed that it is a vast
wheel of brilliant fire§ ; others that it is merely a mirror or
sphere of transparent crystal ||; and a third class, at the head

* Faria t Souza ; !Mick. lus. note b. 7. f Sir W. Jones, Diss. Antiq.
Ind. Zod. ' X MSS. Bibliot. Roi. Fr. § Plutarch de plaeitis Phil,

lib. ii. cap. 20. || Achill. Tat. isa;;. cap. 19. ; Ap. Petav. t. ill. p. 81.;

Stob. Eclog. Phys. lib. i. p. 56. ; Pint, dc Plac. Phi.

CHAP. I.J INGENIOUS THEORIES AND SPECULATIONS. 3

of whom stands Anaxagoras, maintained that it was nothing
but a huge ignited mass of iron or stone — indeed, he declared
the heavens to be merely a vault of stone — and that the stars
were stones whirled upward from the earth, and set on lire
by the velocity of its revolutions.* But I give little atten-
tion to the doctrines of this philosopher, the people of Athens
having fully refuted them, by banishing him from their city ;
a concise mode of answering unwelcome doctrines, much re-
sorted to in former days. Another sect of philosophers do
declare, that certain tiery particles exhale constantly from
the earth, which, concentrating in a single point of the fir-
mament by day, constitute the sun, but being scattered and
rambling about in the dark at night, collect in various points,
and form stars. These are regularly burnt out and extin-
guished, not unlike to tlie lamps in our street, and require a
fresh supply of exhalations for the next occasion, f

It is even recorded, that at certain remote and obscui'e
periods, in consequence of a great scarcity of fuel, the sun
has been completely burnt out, and sometimes not rekindled
for a month at a time. A most melancholy cii'curastance,
the very idea of which gave vast concern to Ileraclitus, that
worthy weeping philosopher of antiquity. In addition to
these various speculations, it was the opinion of Herschel,
that the sun is a magnificent, habitable abode ; the light
it furnishes arising from certain empyreal, luminous or
phosphoric clouds, swimming in its transparent atmosphere, ij;

But we will not enter farther at present into the nature
of tlie sun, that being an inquiry not immediately necessary
to the development of this history ; neither will we embroil
ourselves in anymore of the endless disputes of philosophers
touching the form of tliis globe, but content ourselves with
the theory advanced in tlie beginning of this chapter, and
Avill proceed to illustrate, by experiment, the complexity of
motion therein ascribed to this our rotatory planet.

Professor Von Poddingcoft (or Puddinghead, as the name
may be rendered into English,) was long celebrated in the
university of Leyden, for profound gravity of deportment

* Diogenes Lacrtius in Anaxaf^. 1. ii, sec. 8. ; Plat. Apol. t, i. p. 26. ;
Pint, dc Plac. Pliilo. ; Xenoph. JMcin. 1. iv. p. 8 1 5. f Aristot. Meteor.
1. ii. c. 2. ; Idem. Probl. sec. 15. ; Stob. Eel. Phys. 1. i. p. 55. ; Bruck.
Hist. Phil. t.i. p. 1154, &c. J Pliilos. Trans. 1795, p. 72. ; Idem. 1801,
p. 265. ; Nich. I'hilos. Jouvn. i. p. 1.3.

B 2

4 HISTORY OF NEAV-YOr.K. [l500K I.

and a talent at goiiiix to sleep in the midst of examinations,
to the infinite relief oi" his liopeful students, who thereby
woiked their way tiu'ouph college with great ease and little
study. In the course of one of his lectures, the learned pro-
fessor seizing a bucket of water, swung it around his head
at arm's lengtli. The impulse with which he threw the
vessel from him, being a centrifugal force, the retention of
his arm operating as a centripetal power, and the bucket,
which was a substitute for the eartii, describing a circular
orbit round about tlie globular head and ruby visage of Pro -
lessor Yon Poddingcoit, which formed no bad I'epresentation
of the sun. All of these particulars were duly explained to
the class of gaping students around him. He apprised them,
jnoreover, that the same principle of gravitation, which re-
tained tlie water in the bucket, restrains the ocean from flying
i'rom the earth in its rapid revolutions; and he farther in-
ibrmed them that should the motion of the earth be suddenly
cliecked, it vrould incontinently fall into the sun, through the
centripetal force of gravitation : a most ruinous event to tliis
planet, and one which would also obscure, though it most
probably would not extinguish, the solar luminary. An un-
lucky stripling, one of those vagrant geniuses wlio seem sent
into the world merely to annoy worthy men of the pudding-
head order, desirous of ascertaining the correctness of the
experiment, suddenly arrested the arm of the professor, just
at the moment that the bucket was in its zenith, which im-
mediately descended with astonishing precision upon tlie
philosophic head of the instructor of youth. A hollow sound,
and a. red-hot hiss, attended the contact ; but the theory was
in the amplest manner illustrated, for the unfortunate bucket
perished in the conflict ; but the blazing countenance of Pro-
fessor Von Poddingcoft emerged from amidst the waters,
glowing fiercer than ever with unutterable indignation,
wliereby the students were marvellously edified, and departed
considerably wiser than before.

It is a mortifying circumstance, Avhich greatly perplexes
many a painstaking philosopher, ihat nature often refuses to
second his most profound and elaborate efforts ; so that after
having invented one of the raostingenious and natural theories
imaginable, she will have the perverseness to act directly in
the teeth of his s^'Stem, and flatl}^ contradict his most fa-
vorite positions. This is a manifest and unmerited grievance

CHAP.].] INGEXIOUS TIIEOKIES AND SPKCULATIOXS. 5

since it throws the censure of tlie vulgar and unlearned
entirely upon the philosopher; whereas the fault is not to be
ascribed to his theory, which is unquestionably correct, but
to tiie waywardness (<f dame nature, who, with the pro-
verbial fickleness of her sex, is continually iiidulgini^ in
coquetries and caprices, and seems really to take pleasure in
violating all philosophic rules, and jilting the most learned and
indefatigable of her adorers. Thus it happened with n^spect
to the foregoing satisfactory explanation of the motion of our
planet ; it appears that the centrifugal force has long since
ceased to operate, while its antagonist remains in undimi-
nished potency : the world, therefore, according to the theory
as it originally stood, ought in strict propriety to tumble into
the sun ; philosophers were convinced that it would do so,
and awaited in anxious impatience the fulfilment of their
prognostics. But the untoward planet pertinaciously con-
tinued her course, notwithstanding that she had I'eason,
philosophy, and a whole university of learned professors op-
loosed to her conduct. The philosophers took this in very ill
part, and it is thought they would never have pardoned the
slight and affront which they conceived put u]ion them by
the world, had not a good-natured professor kindly officiated
asa mediator between the parties, and eifected a reconciliation.
Finding the world would not accommodate itself to the
theory, he wisely determined to accommodate the theory to the
woi-ld ; he tlierefore informed his brother philosophers, that tlie
circular motion of the earth round the sun was no sooner en-
gendered by the conllicting impulses above described, than
it became a regular revolution independent of the causes
which gave it origin. His learned brethren readily joined
in the opinion, being heartily glad of any explanation that
would decently extricate them from their embarrassment
— and ever since that memorable era the world has been lel't
to take her own course, and to revolve around the sun in such
orbit as siie thinks [)roper.

CHAP. IL

JIavikg thus briefl}' introduced my reader to th.e world,
and given him some idea of its ibrm and situation, he will
naturally be curious to know from whence it came, and how

6 HISTORY OF NEW-YORK. [bOOK I.

it was created. And, indeed, the clearing up of these points
is absolutely essential to my history, inasmuch as if this
Avorld had not been formed, it is more than probable, tliat
this renowned island on which is situated the city of New-
York would never have had an existence. The regular
course of my history, therefore, requires that I should pro-
ceed to notice the cosmogony or formation of this our globe.

And now I give my readers fair warning, that I am about
to plunge, for a chapter or two, into as complete a laby-
rinth as ever historian was perplexed withal : therefore, I
advise them to take fast hold of my skirts, and keep close at
my heels, venturing neither to the right hand nor to tiie left,
lest they get bemired in a slough of unintelligible learning,
or have their brains knocked out by some of those hard Greek
names which will be flying about in all directions. But
should any of them be too indolent or chicken-hearted to ac-
company me in this perilous undertaking, they had better
take a short cut round, and wait for me at the beginning of
some smoother chapter.

Of the creation of the world we have a thousand contra-
dictory accounts ; and though a very satisfactory one is
furnished us by divine revelation, yet every philosopher feels
himself in honor bound to furnish us with a better. As an
impartial historian, I consider it my duty to notice their
several theories, by which mankind have been so exceedingly
edified and instructed.

Thus it was tlie opinion of certain ancient sages, that the
earth and the whole system of the universe was the Deity
himself* ; a doctrine most strenuously maintained by Zeno-
phanes and the whole tribe of Eleatics, as also by Strabu
and the sect of peripatetic philosophers. Pythagoras likewise
inculcated the famous numerical system of the monad, dyad,
and triad, and by means of his sacred quaternary elucidated
the formation of the world, the arcana of nature, and the
pi'inciples both of music and morals, f Other sages adhered
to the mathematical system of squares and triangles ; the
cube, the pyramid, and the sphere ; the tetrahedron, the
octahedron, the icosahedron, and the dodecahedron.! "While
others advocated the great elementary theory, which refers

* Aristot. ap. Cic. lib. i. cap. 3. f Aristot. Metaph. lib. i. c. 5. ;

Idem, de Coelo. 1. iii. c. 1. ; Kousseaii mem. sur Musiqiie anciea. p. 39. ;
Plutarch de Plac. Philos. lib. i. cap. 3. % Tim. Locr. ap. Plato, t. ilL p. 90'.

CHAP. II.] INGENIOUS THEORIES AND SPECULATIONS. 7

the construction of our globe and all that it contains to tho
combinations of four material elements, air, earth, fire, and
water ; with the assistance of a fifth, an immaterial and
vivitying principle.

Nor must I omit to mention the great atomic system taught
by old Moschus, before the siege of Troy ; revived by Demo-
critusof laughing memory ; improved by Epicurus, that king
of good fellows, and modernized by the fanciful Descartes.
But I decline inquiring, whether the atoms, of which the
earth is said to be composed, are eternal or recent ; whether
they are animate or inanimate ; whether, agreeably to the
opinion of the atheists, they were fortuitously aggregatcfl,
or, as the theists maintain, were arranged by a supreme in-
telligence.* "Whether, in fact, the earth be an insensate clod,
or wliether it be animated by a soulf; which opinion was
strenuously maintained by a host of philosophers, at the head
of whom stands the great Flato, that temperate sage, Avho
threw the cold water of philosophy on tlie form of sexual in-
tercourse, and inculcated the doctrine of Platonic love — an
exquisitely refined intercourse, but much better adapted to
the ideal inhabitants of his imaginary island of Atlantis than
to the sturdy race, composed of rebellious flesli and blood,
which populates tlie little matter-of-fact island we inhabit.

Beside these systems, we have, moreover, the poetical thco-
gony of old Hesiod, who generated the whole universe in the
regular mode of procreation; and the plausible opinion of
others, that the earth was hatched from the great egg of
night, which floated in chaos, and was cracked by tlie horns
of the celestial bull. To illustrate this last doctrine, Burnet,
in his theory of the earth ;]:, has favored us with an accurate
drawing and description, both of the form and texture of
this mundane egg ; whicli is found to bear a marvellous re-
semblance to that of a goose. Such of my readers as take
u proper interest in the origin of this our planet, will be
pleased to learn, that the most profound sages of antiquity
among the Egyptians, Chaldeans, Persians, Greeks, and
Latins, have alternately assisted at the hatching of this
strange bird, and that tlieir cacklings have been caught, and

* Aristot. Nat. Auscult. 1. ii. cap. C. ; Aristopli. Mctaph. lib. i. cap. .•?. ;
C'ic. do Nat. Dcor. lil). i. cap. 10. ; Justin Mart. orat. ad o;ent. \^. 20.

t Moslioim in Cudw. lib. i. cap. 4. ; 'J'iin. do aiiim. nuind. a]). I'lat. lib.
iii. ; Mem. dc I'Acad. dcs Belles- Lcttr. t. xxxii. p. 19. J Book i. ch. 5.

B 4

8 HISTORY OF NEW-YOUK. [iJOOK I.

continued in different tones and inflections, from pliilosopher
to pliilosopher, unto the present day.

But while briefly noticing long celebrated systems of
ancient sages, let me not pass over with neglect those of other
philosophers ; which, though less universal and renowned,
have equal claims to attention, and equal chance for cor-
rectness. Thus it is recorded by tlie Brahmins, in the pages
of their inspired Shastah, that the angel Bistnoo, transforming
liimself into a great boar, plunged into the watery abyss, and
brought up t!ie earth on his tusks. Then issued from him a
mighty tortoise, and a mighty snake ; and Bistnoo placed
The snake erect upon the back of the tortoise, and he placed
the earth upon the head of the snake.*

The negro plulosopiiers of Congo afllirm that the world
was made by the hands of angels, excepting their own
countr}', which the Supreme Being constructed himself, tliat
it might be supremely excellent. And he took great pains
with the inhabitants, and made them very black, and beau-
tiful ; and when he had finished the first man, he was well
pleased with him, and smoothed him over the face, and hence
his nose, and the nose of all his descendants, became flat.

The Mohawk philosophers tell us, that a pregnant woman
fell down from heaven, and that a tortoise took her upon its
back, because every place was covered with water ; and that
the woman, sitting upon tlie tortoise, paddled with her hands
in the Avater, and raked up the earth, whence it finally
liappened that the earth became higher than the water. "j"

But I forbear to quote a number more of these ancient and
outlandisli philosophers, whose deplorable ignorance, in
despite of all their erudition, compelled them to write in
languages which but few of ni}'^ readers can understand; and
I shall proceed briefly to notice a few more intelligible and
i'ashionable theories of tJieir modern successors.

And, first, I shall mention the great Bufibii, wiio conjectures
that this globe was originally a globe of liquid fire, scintillated
from the body of the sun, by tlie j)ercussion of a comet, as a.
spark is generated by the collision of flint and steel. Tiiat at
first it was surrounded by gross vapors, which, cooling and
con<lensing in process of time, constituted, according to their
densities, earth, water, and air ; which gradually arranged

* Ilolwfl!, Gent. Philosciiliy. + Juluxnncs Megapolciitis, Jun. Ac-
count of Maonaas or 3Ioli;nvk Indians.

CHAP. II.] IXGr.NlOUS THEOPaES AND SPECLLATIOXS. *>

themselves, according to their respective gravities, round
the burning or vitrified mass that formed their centre.

Hutton, on tlie contrarj^, supposes that tlie waters at first
were universally paramount ; and he terrifies himself with
the idea that the earth must be eventually washed away by
tlie force of rain, rivers, and mountain torrents, until it is
confounded with tiie ocean, or, in other words, absolutely
dissolves into itself. — Sublime idea! far surpassing that of
the tender-hearted damsel of antiquity, who wept herself
into a fountain; or the good dame of Narbonne in France,
who, for a volubility of tongue unusual in her sex, was
doomed to peel five hundred thousand and thirty-nine ropes
of onions, and actually run out at her eyes before half the
hideous task was accomplished.

Whiston, the same ingenious philosopher who rivalled
Ditton in his researches after tlie longitude (lor which the
mischief- loving Swift discharged on tlieir heads a most
savoury stanza), hasdistinguished himself by a very admirable
theory respecting the earth. He conjectures that it was
originally a chaotic comet, which, being selected for the
abode of man, was removed from its eccentric orbit, and
whirled round the sun in its present regular motion; by whicli
change of direction, order succeeded to confusion in tiie ar-
rangement of its component parts. The philosopher adds,
that the deluge was produced by an uncourteous salute from
the watery tail of anotlier comet ; doubtless througli sheer
envy of its improved condition: thus furnishing a melancholy
proof that jealousy may prevail even among the heavenly
bodies, and discord interrupt that celestial harmony of the
spheres so melodiously sung by tlie poets.

But I pass over a variety of excellent theories, among
which are those of Burnet, and Woodward, and Whiteliurst ;
regretting extremely that my time will not suffer me to give
them the notice tliey deserve — and shall conclude with tiiat
of the renowned Dr. Darwin. Tliis learned Tlieban, who is as
mucli distinguished for rhyme as reason, and for good-natured
credulity as serious research, and who lias recommended
Iiimself wonderfully to the good graces of the ladies, by
letting them into all the gallantries, amours, debaucheries,
and other topics of scandal of the court of Flora, has fallen
upon a theory woitliy of his combustible imagination. Ac-
cording to his opinion, the huge mass of chaos took a sudden

10 HISTORY OF NKW-YORK. [bOOK I.

occasion to explode, like a ban-el of frunpowder, and in that
act exploded tlie sun — Avhich, in its flight, by a similar con-
vulsion, exploded the earth, which in like guise exploded the
moon — and thus, by a concatenation of explosions, the whole
solai" system was produced, and set most systematically in
motion ! *

By the great variety of theories here alluded to, every one
of which, if thorouglily examined, will be found surprisingly
consistent in all its parts, my unlearned readers will perhaps
be led to conclude, that the creation of a world is not so
difficult a task as they at first imagined. I have shown at
least a score of ingenious methods in which a world could be
constructed ; and I have no doubt, that liad any of the phi-
losophers above quoted the use of a good manageable comet,
and the philosophical warehouse chaos at his command, he
would engage to manufacture a planet as good, or, if you
would take his word for it, better than this we inhabit.

And here I cannot help noticing the kindness of Pro-
vidence, in creating comets for the great relief of bewildered
philosophers. By their assistance more sudden evolutions
and transitions are effected in the system of nature, than arc,
wrought in a pantomimic exhibition by the wonder-working-
sword of Harlequin. Should one of our modern sages, in
his theoretical flights among the stars, ever find himself lost
in the clouds, and in danger of tumbling into the abyss of
nonsense and absurdity, he has but to seize a comet by the
beard, mount astride of its tail, and away he gallops in
triumph like an enchanter on his hyppogriff, or a Connecticut
witcli on her broomstick, "to sweep the cobwebs out of the
sky."

It is an old and vulgar saying about a " beggar on horse-
back," which I would not for the world have applied to these
reverend pliilosophers : but I must confess, that some of
them, when they are mounted on one of those fiery steeds,
are as wild in their curvettings as was Phaeton of yore, when
he aspired to manage the chariot of Phn?bus. One drives his
comet at full speed against the sun, and knocks the world
out of him with the mighty concussion ; another, more
moderate, makes his comet a kind of beast of burden,
carrying the sun a regular supply of food and iaggots ; a
third, of more combustible disposition, threatens to throw his
* Dnv. Bot. Garden, part i. cant. i. 1. 105.

CHAP. II.] IXGENIOUS TIIEOUIES AND SPKCULATIONS. 1 1

comet like a bombshell into the world, and blovv it up like a
powder magazine ; while a fourth, with no great delicacy to
this planet and its inhabitants, insinuates that some day or
(itiier his comet — my modest pen blushes while I write it —
shall absolutely turn tail upon our world, and deluge it with
water! — Surely, as I have already observed, comets were
bountifully provided by Pi'ovidence for the benefit of philoso-
phers, to assist them in manufacturing theories.

And now, having adduced several of the most prominent
theories that occur to my recollection, I leave my judicious
readers at full liberty to choose among them. They are all
serious speculations of learned men — all differ essentially
from each other — and all have the same title to belief. It
lias ever been the task of one race of philosophers to demolish
the works of their predecessors, and elevate more splendid
fantasies in their stead, which in their turn are demolished
and replaced by the air-castles of a succeeding generation.
Thus it would seem that knowledge and genius, of which we
make such great parade, consists but in detecting the errors
and absurdities of those who have gone before, and devising
new errors and absurdities, to be detected by those who arc
to come after us. Theories are the mighty soap-bubbles with
which the grown-up children of science amuse themselves —
while the honest vulgar stand gazing in stupid admiration,
and dignify these learned vagaries with the name of wisdom !
— Surely Socrates was right in his opinion, that philosophers
are but a soberer sort of madmen, busying themselves in things
totally incomprehensible, or which, if they could be compre-
hended, would be found not worthy the trouble of discovery.

For my own part, until the learned have come to an
agreement among themselves, I shall content myself with the
account handed down to us by Moses ; in which I do but fol-
low the example of our ingenious neighbours of Connecticut ;
who at their first settlement proclaimed that the colony should
bi; governed by the laws of Cjrod — until they had time to
make better.

One thing, however, appears certain — from the unanimous
authority of the before- quoted philosophers, supported by
the evidence of our own senses, (which, though very apt
to deceive us, may be cautiously admitted as additional
testimony.) it apjjears, I say, and 1 make the assertion de-
libcraltly, without fear of contradiction, that this globe really

12 niSTOUY OF NEW-YOKK. [bOOK I.

icas created, and tliat it is composed of land and water. It
farther appears that it is curiously divided and parcelled out
into continents and islands, amonj^ which I boldly declare
the renowned Island of New- York will be found by any
one who seeks for it in its proper place.

CHAP. III.

NoAii, Avho is the first sea-faring man we read of, begat
three sons, Sheni, Ham, and Japhet. Authors, it is true,
are not wanting, who affirm that the patriarch had a number
of other children. Thus Berosus makes him father of the
gigantic Titans; IMethodius gives him a son called Jonithus,
or Jonicus ; and others have mentioned a son, named Thu-
iscon, from whom descended the Teutons or Teutonic, or, in
other words, the Dutch nation.

I regret exceedingly that the nature of my plan will not
permit me to gratify the laudable curiosity of my readers,
by investigating minutely the history of the great Noah.
Indeed, such an undertaking would be attended with more
trouble than many people Avould imagine ; for the good old
patriarch seems to have been a great traveller in his day,
and to have passed under a different name in every country
that he visited. The Olialdeans, for instance, give us his
story, merely altering his name into Xisuthrus — a trivial
alteration, which, to an historian skilled in etymologies, will
ap])ear wholly unimportant. It appears, likewise, that he
jiad exchanged his tarpaulin and quadrant among the Chal-
deans, for the gorgeous insignia of royalty, and appears as a
monarch in their annals. The Egyptians celebrate him
under the name of Osiris ; the Indians as Menu ; the Greek
and Roman wa-iters confound him with Ogyges, and the
Thebau with Deucalion and Saturn. But the Chinese, who
deservedly rank among the most extensive and authentic
liistorians, inasmuch as they have known the world much
longer than any one else, declare that Noah was no other
than Fohi ; and what gives this assertion some air of credi-
bility is, that it is a fact, admitted by the most enlightened
literati, that Noah travelled into China, at the time of the
building of the tower of Babel (probably to improve himself
in the study of languages), and the learned Dr. Shackfbrd

CHAP. III.] INGENIOUS TIIKOKIES AND SPECULATIONS. 13

gives US the additional inforinntion, that the ark rested on a
mountain on the frontiers of China.

From this mass of I'ational conjectures and sage hypotheses,
many satisfactory deductions might be drawn ; but I shall
content myself witli the simple fact stated in tlie Bible, viz.
that Noali begat three sons, 8hem, Ham, and Japhet. It is
astonishing on what remote and obscure contingencies the
great affairs of this world depend, and how events the most
distant, and to the common observer unconnected, are in-
evitably consequent the one to the other. It remains to tlie
philosopher to discover these mysterious affinities, and it is
the proudest triumph of his skill to detect and drag forth
some latent chain of causation, -which at first sight appears
a paradox to the inexperienced observer. Thus many of
my readers will doubtless wonder what connection the family
of Noah can possibly have witli this history — and many will
stare when informed, that the whole history of this quarter
of the world has taken its character and course from the
simple circumstance of the patriarch's having but three sons
— but to explain :

Noah, we are told by sundry very credible historians,
becoming sole surviving heir and proprietor of the earth, in
fee simple, after the deluge, like a good father, portioned
out his estate among his children. To Shem he gave Asia ;
to Ham, Africa ; and to Japhet, Europe. Now it is a
thousand times to be lamented that he had but three sons,
for had there been a fourth, he would doubtless have inhe-
rited America ; Avhich, of course, would have been dragged
forth from its obscurity on the occasion ; and thus many a
hard-Avorking historian and philosopher would have been
spared a prodigious mass of wearj' conjecture I'especting the
first discovery and population of this country. Noah, how-
ever, having provided for his three sons, looked in all pro-
bability upon our country as mere wild unsettled land, and
said nothing about it ; and to this unpardonable taciturnity
of the patriarch may we ascribe the misfortune, that America
did not come into the world as early as the other quarters
of the globe.

It is true, some writers have vindicated him from this
misconduct towards posterity, and asserted that he really
did discover America. Thus it Avas the opinion of Mark
Lescarbot, a French writer, possessed of that ponderosity of

14 HISTORY OF NEW- YORK. [bOOE I.

thought, and profoundness of reflection, so peculiar to his
nation, that the immediate descendants of Noah [)eopled this
quarter of the globe, and that the old patriarch liimself, who
still retained a passion for the sea-faring life, superintended
the transmigration. The pious and enlightened father,
Charlevoix, a French Jesuit, remarkable for liis aversion to
the marvellous, common to all great travellers, is conclusively
of the same opinion ; nay, he goes still farther, and decides
upon the manner in which the discovery was effected, which
was by sea, and under the immediate direction of the great
Noah. " I have already observed," exclaims the good father,
in a tone of becoming indignation, " that it is an arbitrary
supposition that the grandchildren of Noah were not able to
penetrate into the new Avorld, or that they never thought of
it. In effect, I can see no reason that can justify such a
notion. Who can seriously believe, that Noah and his im-
mediate descendants knew less thnn we do, and that the
builder and pilot of the greatest ship that ever was, a ship
Avhich was formed to traverse an unbounded ocean, and had
so many shoals and (juicksands to guard against, should be
ignorant of, or should not have communicated to his de-
scendants, the art of sailing on the ocean ?" Therefore, they
did sail on the ocean — therefore, they sailed to America —
therofore, America was discovered by Noah !

Now all this exquisite chain of reasoning, which is so
strikingly characteristic of the good father, being addressed
to the faith, rather tlian the understandinjr, is flatly opposed
by Hans de Laert, who declares it a real and most ridiculous
paradox, to suppose that Noah ever entertained the thought
of discovering America ; and as Hans is a Dutch writer, I
am inclined to believe he must have been much better ac-
quainted with the worthy crew of the ark than his compe-
titors, and of course possessed of more accurate sources of
information. It is astonishing how intimate historians do
daily become with the patriarchs and other great men of
antiquity. As intimacy improves with time, and as the
learned are particularly inquisitive and familiar in their ac-
quaintance witli the ancients, I should not be surprised if
some future writers should gravely give us a picture of men
and manners as they existed before the flood, far more copious
and accurate than the Bible ; and that, in the course of
another century, the log-book of the good Noah should be as

CHAP. III.] INGENIOUS THEORIES AND SPECULATIONS. 1.5

current among historians as the voyages of Captain Cook,
or the renowned history of Robinson Crusoe.

I shall not occupy my time by discussing the huge mass
of additional suppositions, conjectures, and probabilities
respecting the first discovery of this country, with which
unhappy historians overload themst-lves, in their endeavours
to satisfy the doubts of an incredulous world. It is painful
to see these laborious wights panting, and tolling, and
sweating under an enormous burden, at the very outset of
their wox'ks, which, on being opened, turns out to be nothing
but a mighty bundle of straw. As, however, by unwearied
assiduity, they seem to have established the fact, to the
satisfaction of all the world, that this country has been dis-
covered, I shall avail myself of their useful labours to be
extremely brief upon this point.

I shall not, therefore, stop to inquire, whether America
■was first discovered by a wandering vessel of that celebrated
Phamician fleet, which, according to Herodotus, circum-
navigated Africa ; or by that Cartliaginian expedition, which
Pliny, the naturalist, informs us, discovered the Canary
Islands ; or Aviiether it was settled by a temporary colony
from Tyre, as hinted by Aristotle and Seneca. I shall
neither inquire Avhether it was first discovered by the
Chinese, as Vossius with great shrewdness advances ; nor by
the Norwegians in 1002, under Biorn ; nor by Behem, the
German navigator, as Mr. Otto has endeavoured to prove to
the S9avans of the learned city of Philadelphia.

Nor shall I investigate the more modern claims of the
"Welsh, founded on the voyage of Prince Madoc in the
eleventh century, who having never returned, it has since
been wisely concluded that he must have gone to America,
and that for a plain reason, — if he did not go there, where
else could he have gone? — a question which most Socratically
shuts out all farther dispute.

Laying aside, therei'orc, all the conjectures above men-
tioned, with a multitude of others equally satisfactory, I
shall take for granted the vulgar opinion, that America was
discovered on the 12tli of October, 1492, by Christoval
Colon, a Genoese, who has been clumsily nicknamed Co-
lumbus, but for what reason I cannot discern. Of the
voyages and adventures of this Colon I shall say nothing,
.seeing that they are already suihciently known. Nor shall

16 mSTORT OF NEW- YORK. [cOOK I,

I iiinlertake to prove tliat this country should have been
called Colonia, alter his name, that being notoriouslj self-
evident.

Having thus happily got mj readers on this side of the
Atlantic, I picture them to myself, all impatience to enter
upon the enjoyment of the land of promise, and in lull
expectation that I will immediately deliver it into their
possession. But if I do, may I ever forfeit the reputation of
a regular bred historian ! No — no — most curious and thrice
learned readers (for thrice learned ye are if ye have read all
that has gone before, and nine times learned shall ye be if
ye read that v.liich comes after), we have yet a world of
work before us. Think you the first discoverers of this fair
quarter of the globe had nothing to do but go on shore and
find a country ready laid out and cultivated like a garden,
wherein they might revel at their ease? No such thing —
they had forests to cut down, underwood to grub up, marshes
to drain, and savages to exterminate.

In like manner, I have sundry doubts to clear away,
questions to resolve, and paradoxes to explain, before I
permit you to range at random ; but these difficulties once
overcome, we shall be enabled to jog on right merrily
through the rest of our history. Thus my work shall, in a
nianner, echo the nature of the subject, in the same manner
ns the sound of poetry has been found by certain shrewd
critics to echo the sense — this being an improvement iia
history which I claim the merit of having invented.

CHAP. IV

The next inquiry at which we arrive in the regular course
of our history is to ascertain, if possible, how this country
was originally peopled — a point fruitful of incredible em-
barrassments ; for unless we i)rove that the Aborigines did
absolutely come from somewhere, it will be immediately
Asserted, in this age of scepticism, that they did not come
at all ; and if they did not come at all, then was this country
never populated — a conclusion perfectly agreeable to the
rules of logic, but wholly irreconcilable to every feeling of
humanity, inasmuch as it must syllogistically prove fatal to
the innumerable Aborigines of this populous region.

CHAP. IV.] INGENIOUS THEORIES AND SPECDLATIONS. 17

To avert so dire a sophism, and to rescue from logical
annihilation so many millions of fellow creatures, how many
wings of geese have been plundered ! what oceans of inlc
have been benevolently drained ! and how many capacious
heads of learned historians have been addled, and for ever
confounded ! I pause v/ith reverential awe, when I con-
template the ponderous tomes in different languages Avith
which they have endeavoured to solve this question, so im-
portant to the happiness of society, but so involved in
clouds of impenetrable obscurity. Historian after historian
has engaged in the endless circle of hypothetical ai'gument,
and, after leading us a weary chase through octavos, quartos,
and folios, has let us out at the end of his work just as wise
as we were at the beginning. It was doubtless some philo-
sophical wild goose chase of the kind that made the old poet
Macrobius rail in such a passion at curiosity, which lie
anathematizes most heartily as " an irksome agonizing care,
a superstitious industry about unprofitable things, an itching
humour to see what is not to be seen, and to be doing what
signifies nothing when it is done." But to proceed :

Of the claims of the children of Noah to the original
population of this country I shall say nothing, as they
have already been touched upon in my last chapter. The
claimants next in celebrity are the descendants of Abraham.
Thus Cliristoval Colon (vulgarly called Columbus), when he
first discovered the gold mines of Plispaniola, immediately
concluded, with a shrewdness that would have done honour to
a philosopher, that he had found the ancient Ophir, from
whence Solomon procured the gold for embellishing the
temple at Jerusalem ; nay, Colon even imagined that he saw
the remains of furnaces of veritable Hebraic construction,
employed in refining the precious ore.

So golden a conjecture, tinctured with such fascinating
extravagance, was too tempting not to be immediately
.snapped at by the gudgeons of learning ; and accordingly,
there were divers profound writers, ready to swear to its
correctness, and to bring in their usual load of authorities
and wise surmises, wherewithal to prop it up. A'etablus and
Kobertus Stephens declared nothing could be more clear —
Arius ]\rontanus, without the least hesitation, asserts that
Mexico was the true Ophir, and the Jews the early settlers
of the country. While Possevin, Becan, and sevci-al other

c

18 UISTOKV OF NEW'-YOKK. [UOOK I.

sagacious writers, lug in a supposed prophecy of the fourth
book of Esdras, which being inserted in the mighty liypo-
thesis, like tlie keystone of an arch, gives it, in their opinion,
perpetual durabilitj-.

Scarce, liowever, have they completed their goodly super-
structure, than in trudges a phalanx of opposite authors,
with Hans de Laet, the great Dutchman, at their head, and
at one blow tumbles the whole f.ibric about their ears.
Hans, in fact, contradicts outright all the Israelitish claims
to the first settlement of this country, attributing all those
equivocal symptoms, and traces of Christianity and Judaism,
which have been said to be found in divers provinces of the
new world, to the Deiril, who has always affected to counter-
feit the worsliip of tlie true Deity. " A remark," says the
knowing old Padre d'Acosta, " made by all good authors
who have spoken of the religion of nations newly discovered,
and founded, besides, on the authority of the fathers of the
church."

Some writers again, among whom it is with much regret
I am compelled to mention Lopez de Gomara and Juan de
Leri, insinuate that the Canaanites, being driven fi'om the
land of promise by the Jews, were seized with such a panic
that they fled without looking behind them, until, stopping
to take breath, they found tliemselves safe in America. As
they brought neither their national language, manners, nor
features with them, it is supposed they left them behind in
the hurry of their flight — I cannot give my faith to this
opinion.

I pass over the supposition of the learned Grotius, who,
being both an ambassador and a Dutchman to boot, is en-
titled to great respect ; that North America was peopled by
a strolling company of Norwegians, and that Peru was
founded by a colony from China — Manco or Mango Capac,
the first Incas, being himself a Chinese. Nor shall I more
than barely mention, that father Kircher ascribes the settle-
ment of America to the Egyptians, Rudbeck to the Scan-
dinavians, Charron to the Gauls, Juffredus Petri to a skating
party from Friesland, Milius to the Celtte, Marinocas the
Sicilian to the Romans, Le Compte to the Phoenicians,
Postel to the Moors, Martyn d'Angleria to the Abyssinians,
together with the sage surmise of De Laet, that England,
Ireland, and the Orcades may contend for that honour.

CHAP. IV.] INGENIOUS THEORIES AND SPECULATIONS. 19

Nor will I bestow any more attention or credit to the idea
that America is the fairy region of Zipangri, described by
that dreaming traveller, Marco Polo, the Venetian ; or that
it comprises the visionary island of Atlantis, described by
Plato. Neither will I stop to investigate the heathenish
assertion of Paracelsus, that each hemisphere of the globe
was originally furnislied with an Adam and Eve. Or the
more flattering opinion of Dr. Ivomayne, supported by manv
nameless authorities, that Adam was of the Indian race — or
the startling conjecture of Buffon, Plelvetius, and Darwin,
so highly honourable to mankind, that the whole human
species is accidentally descended from a remai'kable lamily of
monkeys !

This last conjecture, I must own, came upon me very sud-
denly and very ungraciously. I have often beheld the clown
in a pantomime, while gazing in stupid wonder at the ex-
travagant gambols of a harlequin, all at once electrified by a
sudden stroke of the wooden sword across his shoulders.
Little did 1 think at such times, that it Avould ever fall to
my lot to be treated with equal discourtesy, and that while
I was quietly beholding these grave philosophers, emulating
the eccentric transformations of the hero of pantomime, they
would on a sudden turn upon me and my readers, and with
one hypothetical flourish metamorphose us into beasts ! I
determined from that moment not to burn my fingers with
any more of their theories, but content myself with detailing
the different methods by which they transported the descend-
ants of these ancient and respectable monkeys to this great
field of theoretical warfare.

This was done either- by migrations by land or transmigra-
tions by water. Thus Padre Joseph d'Acosta enumerates
three passages by land — first, by the north of Europe, secondly,
by the north of Asia, and, thirdly, by regions southward
of the Straits of Magellan. The learned Grotius marches
his Norwegians by a pleasant route across frozen rivers
and arms of the sea, through Iceland, Greenland, Estotiland,
and Naremberga : and various writers, among whom arc
Angleria, De Uornn, and Button, anxious for the accommo-
dation of these travellers, have fastened the two continents
together by a strong chain of deductions — by which means
they could pass over dry-shod. But should even this fail,
Pinkerton, tiiat industrious old gentleman, who coirpilcs

20 lIISTOnV OF NEW- YORK. [uOOK I.

book.o, and ir.anufactures Geographies, lias constructed a
natural biidc^e of ice, from continent to continent, at the
distance of i'ouv or five miles from Behring's Straits — for
Avliich he is entitled to the gratei'ul thanks of all the wan-
dering aborigines who ever did or ever will ])ass over it.

It is an evil much to be lamented, that none of thewortliy
Avriters above quoted could ever commence his work without
immediately declaring hostilities against every writer who
liad treated of the same subject. In this particular, authors
maybe compared to a certain sagacious bird, which, in build-
ing its nest, is sure to pull to pieces the nests of all the birds
in its neiglibourhood. This unhappy propensity tends griev-
ously to impede the progress of sound knowledge. Theories
ai-e at best but brittle productions, and when once committed
to the stream, they should take care that, like the notable
pots which were fellow-voyagers, they do not crack each
other.

My chief surprise is, that among the many writers I have
noticed, no one lias attempted to prove that this country was
peopled from the moon — or that the first inhabitants floated
lii'.her on islands of ice, as white bears cruise about the
northern oceans — or that they were conveyed hither by
balloons, as modern aeronauts pass from Dover to Calais —
or by witchcraft, as Simon Magus posted among the stars —
or after the manner of the renowned Scythian Abaris, who,
like the X(nv England witclies on full-blooded broomsticks,
made most unheard-of journeys on the back of a golden arrow,
given him by the Hyperborean Apollo.

But there is still one mode leit by which this country
could have been peopled, which I have reserved for the last,
because I consider it w^orth all the rest: it is — bi/ accident f
Speaking of the islands of Solomon, New Guinea, and New
Holland, the profound father Cliarlevoix observes, ''In fine,
nil these countries arc peopled, and it is possible some have
been so L>/ accide/tt. Now if it could have happened in that
jnanner, why might it not have been at the same lime, and by
the same means, with the other parts of the globe?" This
ingenious mode of deducing certain conclusions from possible
])remises, is an improvement in syllogistic skill, and proves
the good father superior even to Archimedes, lor he can turn
the world without any thing to re.st his lever upon. It is
only surpassed by the dexterity with which the sturdy old

CHAP. V.J INGENIOUS TIIKOI^IES AND SPECULATIONS. 21

Jesuit, in anotlier place, cuts the gordian knot — "Nothing,"
says he, "is more easy. The inhabitants of both hemispheres
are certainly the descendants of the same father. The com-
mon iatiier of mankind received an ex])ress order from Hea-
ven to people the world, and accordinglj/ it has been peopled.
To bring this about, it was necessary to overcome all diffi-
culties in the way, and they have also been overcome V^
Pious logician I How does he put all the herd of laborious
theorists to the bhish, by explaining, in five words, wliat
it has cost them volumes to prove they knew notliing about !
From all the autliorities liere quoted, and a variety of
otliers which I liave consulted, but which are omitted througk
fear of fatiguing the unlearned reader, I can only draw tlie
following conclusions, which luckily, however, are sufficient
for my purpose. First, that tliis part of the world has actually
been peopled (Q. E. D.), to support which we have living
proofs in the numerous tribes of Indians that inhabit it.
Secondly, that it has been ])eopled in five hundred different
ways, as proved by a cloud of authors who, from the posi-
tiveness of their assertions, seem to have been eye-witnesses
to the fact. Thirdly, that the people of this country had u
rarietij of fathers, \v\\\c\\, as it may not be thought much to
their credit by the common run of readers, the less we say
on the subject the better. The question, therefore, I trust,
as for ever at rest.

CHAP. Y.

The writer of a history may, in some respects, be likened
unto an adventurous knight, who, having undertaken a
perilous enterprise, by way of establishing his fame, feels
bound, in honour and chivalry, to turn back for no diificulty
nor hardship, and never to shrink or quail, whatever enemy
he may encounter. Under this impression, I resolutely draw
my pen, and fall to, with might and main, at those doughty
questions and subtle paradoxes, whicli, like fiei-y dragons and
bloody giants, beset the entrance to my history, and would
fain repulse me from the ve)-y threshold. And at this moment
a gigantic question has started up, which I must needs take
by the beard and utterly subdue, befon; I can advance another
Step in my historic undertaking ; but I trust this will be the

c 3

22 lllSTOKY OF M-W-YOUK. [bOOK I.

last adversaiy I shall have to contend with, and that in the
next book I shall be enabled to conduct mj readers in triumph
into the body of" my work.

The question which has thus suddenly arisen, is, What
right had the first discoverers of America to land and take
])ossession of a country, without first gaining tlie consent of
its inhabitants, or yielding them an adequate compensation
for their territory? — a question which has withstood many
fierce assaults, and has given much disti'ess of mind to mul-
titudes of kind-hearted folk. And indeed, until it be totally
vanquished, and put to rest, the worthy people of America
can by no means enjoy the soil they inhabit, with clear right
and title, and quiet, unsullied consciences.

The first source of right, by which property is acquired in
a country, is discovery. For as all mankind have an equal
right to any thing, which has never before been appropriated,
so any nation, that discovers an uninhabited country, and
takes possession thereof, is considered as enjoying full pro-
perty, and absolute, unquestionable empire therein.*

Tills proposition being admitted, it follows clearly, that
the liluropeans who first visited America were the real dis-
coverers of the same ; nothing being necessary to the esta-
blishment of this fact, but simply to prove that it was totally
uninhabited by man. This would at first appear to be a point
of some difiiculty, for it is well known that this quarter of
the world abounded with certain animals, that Avalked erect
on two feet, hud something of the human countenance, uttered
certain unintelligible sounds, very much like language ; in
short, had a marvellous resemblance to liuman beings. But
tlie zealous and enlightened fathers who accompanied the
illscoverers, for the purpose of promoting the kingdom of
heaven by establishing fat monasteries and bishoprics on
earth, soon cleared up this point, greatly to the satisfaction
of his holiness the pope, and of all Christian voyagers and
discoverers.

They j)lalnly proved, and, as there were no Indian writers
arose on tiie other side, the tact was considered as fully ad-
mitted and established, that the two-legged race of animals
before mentioned were mere cannibals, detestable monsters,
and many of them giants — which last description of vagrants
have, since the times of Gog, IMagog, and Goliath, been con-
* Grotius; Piiffendorf, b. v. c. 4. ; Vatlel, b. i. c. 18. &c.

CHAP, v.] INGENIOUS THEORIES AND SPECULATIONS. 23

sidered as outlaws, and have received no quarter in either
history, chivalry, or song. Indeed, even the philosophic
Bacon declared the Americans to be people proscribed by the
laws of nature, inasmuch as they had a barbarous custom of
sacrificing men, and feeding upon man's flesh.

Nor are these all the proofs of their utter T)arbarism : among
many other writers of discernment, Ulloa tells us " their im-
becility is so visible, that one can hardly form an idea of them
different from what one has of the brutes. Nothing disturbs
the tranquillit}^ of their souls, equally insensible to disasters
and to prosperity. Though half naked, they are as con-
tented as a monarch in his most splendid array. Fear makes
no impression on them, and respect as little." All this is
furthermore supported by the authority of M. Bouguer. " It
is not easy," says he, "to describe the degree of their indif-
ference for wealth and all its advantages. One does not well
know what motives to propose to them when one would per-
suade them to any service. It is vain to offer them money ;
they answer they are not hungry." And Vanegas confirms
the whole, assuring us that "ambition thej' have none, and
are more desirous of being thought strong than valiant. The
objects of ambition with us — honour, fame, reputation, riches,
posts, and distinctions, are imknown among them. So that
this powerful spring of action, the cause of so much seeming
good and real evil in the Avorld, has no power over them.
In a word, these unhappy mortals may be compared to
children, in whom the development of reason is not com-
pleted."

Now all these peculiarities, although in the unenlightened
states of Greece they would have entitled their possessors to
immortal honour, as having reduced to practice those rigid
and abstemious maxims, the mere talking about which ac-
quired certain old Greeks the reputation of sages and philo-
sophers; — yet, were they clearly proved in the present in-
stance to betoken a most abject and brutified nature, totally
beneath the human character. But the benevolent fathei'S,
who had undertaken to turn these unhappy savages into dumb
beasts, by dint of argument, advanced still sti'onger proofs ;
for as certain divines of the sixteenth century, and among
the rest LuUus, affirm — the Americans go naked, and have
no beards! — "They have nothing," says Lullus, "of the
reasonable animal, except the mask." — And even that mask

c 4

24 mSTORY OF KE"W~YORK. LbOOK 1.

was allowed to avail ihera but little, for it was soon found
that they were of a hideous cop])er complexion — and bein;r
of a copper complexion, it was all the same as if they were
ne^xroes — and negroes are black, "and black," said the pious
iathers, devoutly crossing themselves, "is the colour of the
Devil I" Therefore, so far from being able to own property,
they had no rigiit even to personal freedom — for liberty is
too radiant a deity to inhabit such gloomy temples. All
which circumstances plainly convinced the righteous ibllowers
of Cortes and Pizarro, that these miscreants had no title to
tlie soil tliat they infested — tliat they were a perverse, illi-
terate, dumb, beardless, black-seed — mere wild beasts of
the forests, and, like them, should either be subdued or ex-
terminated.

From the foregoing arguments, tlicrefore, and a variety of
others equally conclusive, which I forbear to enumerate, it is
clearly evident that this lair quarter of the globe, when first
visited by Europeans, was a howling wilderness, inhabited by
nothing but wild beasts ; and that the transatlantic visitors
acquired an incontrovertible property tlierein, by the r'ujht
of discover }!•

This riglit being fully established, we now come to the
next, which is the right acquired by cultivation. " Tiie
cultivation of the soil," we are told, "is an obliiration
imposed by nature on mankind. The wdiole world is
appointed for the nourishment of its inhabitants: but it
would be incapable of doing it, was it uncultivated. Every
nation is then obliged by the law of nature to cultivate the
ground that has i'allen to its share. Those people, like the
ancient Germans and modern Tartars, Avho, having fertile
countries, disdain to cultivate the earth, and choose to live
by rapine, are wanting to themselves, and deserve to be ex-
terminated as savage and pernicious beasts."*

Now it is notorious, that the savages knew nothing of
agriculture, when first discovered by the Europeans, but
lived a most vagabond, disorderly, unrighteous life, — ram-
bling from place to place, and prodigally rioting upon the
spontaneous luxuries of nature, without tasking her gene-
rosity to yield them any thing more ; whereas it has been
most unquestionably shown, that Heaven intended the earth
should be ploughed, and sown, and manured, and laid out
* Yattel, b. i. ch. 1 7.

CHAP, v.] IXGENIOUS TIIF.OUIES AND SPKCULATIONS. 25

into cities, and town?, ami farms, and country sent?, and
pleasure frrounds, and public wardens, all which the Indians
knew nothing about — therefore, they did not improve the
talents Providence had bestowed on thorn — therefore, they
were careless stewards — therefore, they had no right to the
soil — therefore, they deserved to be exterminated.

It is true, the savages might ])lead tliat they drew all the
benefits from the land which their simple wants required —
they found plenty of game to hunt, which, together with the
roots and uncultivated fruits of the eartli, furnished a sufli-
fient variety for their frugal repasts; — and that as Heaven
merely designed the earth to form the abode, and satisfy the
wants of man ; so long as those purposes were answered, the
will of Heaven was accomplished. — But this only proves how
undeserving they were of the blessings around them — tliey
were so much the more savages, for not having more wants ;
for knowledge is in some degree an increase of desires, and
it is this superiority both in the number and magnitude of
liis desires, that distinguishes the man from the beast.
Therefore the Indians, in not having more wants, were very
unreasonable animals ; and it was but just that they should
make way for the Europeans, who had a thousand wants to
tlieir one, and, therefore, would turn the earth to more ac-
count, and by cultivating it, more truly fulfil the will of
Heaven. Besides — Grotius and Lauterbach, and Putfendorff,
and Titius, and many wise men beside, who have considered
the mattei" properly, have determined, that the property of a
country cannot be acquired by hunting, cutting wood, or
drawing water in it — nothing but precise demarcation of
limits, and the intention of cultivation, can establish the
possession. Now as the savages (probably from never having
read the authors above quoted) had never complied with any
of these necessary forms, it plainly follows that they liad no
right to the soil, but that it was completely at the disposal
of the first comers, who had more knowledge, more wants,
and more elegant, that is to say, artificial desires than them-
selves.

In entering upon a newly discovered, uncultivated country,
therefore, tlic new comers were but taking possession of what,
according to the aforesaid doctrine, was their own property
— therefore, in opposing them, the savages were invading
their just rights, infringing the immutable laws of nature,

26 HISTORY OF NEW-TOUK. [BOOK I.

:vnd counteracting the will of Heaven — therefore, they were
jruilty of impiety, burglary, and trespass on the case —
therefore, they were hardened offenders against God and man
— therefore, they ought to be exterminated.

But a more irresistible right than either that I have
mentioned, and one which will be the most readily admitted
by my reader, provided he be blessed with bowels of charity
and philanthropy, is the right acquired by civilisation. All the
world knows the lamentable state in which these poor savages
were found. Not only deficient in the comforts of life, but,
Avhat is still worse, most piteously and unfortunately blind to
the miseries of their situation. But no sooner did the bene-
volent inhabitants of Europe behold their sad condition, than
they immediatelj' went to work to ameliorate and improve it.
They introduced among them rum, gin, brandy, and the other
comforts of life — and it is astonishing to read how soon the
poor savages learn to estimate those blessings — they like-
wise made known to them a tliousand remedies, by which
the most inveterate diseases are alleviated and healed ; and
that they might comprehend the benefits and enjoy the com-
forts of these medicines, they previously introduced among
them the diseases which they were calculated to cure. By these
and a variety of other methods was the condition of these
poor savages wonderfully improved; they acquired a thousand
wants of wdiich they had before been ignorant; and as he has
most sources of happiness who has most wants to be gratified,
they were doubtlessly rendered a much happier race of beings.

But the most important branch of civilisation, and which
has most sti'cnuously been extolled by the zealous and pious
fathers of the Romish Church, is the introduction of the
Christian faith. It was truly a sight that might well inspire
horror, to behold these savages tumbling among the dark
mountains of paganism, and guilty of the most horrible igno-
rance of religion. It is true, they neither stole nor de-
frauded ; they were sober, frugal, continent, and faithful to
their word ; but though they acted right habitually, it was
all in vain, unless they acted so from precept. The new
comers, therefore, used every method to induce them to em-
bi-ace and practise the true religion — except indeed that of
setting them the example.

But notwithstanding all these complicated labours for their
good, such was the unparalleled obstinacy of these stubborn

CnAl'. v.] INGENIOUS THEORIES AND SPECULATIONS. 27

Avretclies, that they ungratefully refused to acknowledge the
strangers as their benefactors, and persisted in disbelieving
the doctrines they endeavoured to inculcate ; most insolently
alleging, that, from their conduct, the advocates of Christianity
ilid not seem to believe in it themselves. Was not this too
much for human patience? — would not one suppose that the
benign visitants from Europe, provoked at their incredulity
and discouraged by their stifi-necked obstinacy, would for
ever have abandoned their shores, and consigned them to
their original ignorance and misery? — But no; so zealous
were they to effect the temporal comfort and eternal salva-
tion of these pagan infidels, that they even proceeded from
the milder means of persuasion, to the more painful and
troublesome one of persecution — let loose among them whole
troops of fiery monks and furious bloodhounds — purified
them by fire and sword, by stake and faggot; in consequence
of which indefatigable measures the cause of Christian love
and charity was so rapidly advanced, that in a i'ew years not
one fifth of the number of unbelievers existed in South
America that were found thereat the time of its discovery.

What stronger right need the European settlers advance
to the country than this ? Have not whole nations of un-
informed savages been made acquainted with a thou-
sand imperious wants and indispensable comforts, of which
they were before wholly ignorant? Have they not been
literally hunted and smoked out of the dens and lurking
places of ignorance and infidelity, and absolutely scourged
into the right path ? Have not the temporal things, the
vain baubles and filthy lucre of this world, which were too apt
to engage their worldly and selfish thoughts, been benevo-
lently taken from tliem ; and have they not, instead thereof,
been taught to set their affections on things above? — And
finally, to use the words of a reverend Spanish father, in a
letter to his superior in Spain — '-Can any one have the
presumption to say that these savage Pagans have yielded
any tiling more than an inconsiderable recompense to their
benefactors, in surrendering to them a little pitiful tract of
this dirty sublunary planet in exchange for a glorious in-
heritance in the kingdom of heaven ? "

Here, then, are three complete and undeniable sources
of I'ight established, any one of which was more tlian ample
to establish a property in the newly discovered regions of

28 HISTORY OF NE\Y-YOrtK. [bOOK I.

America. Now, so it Ims liapponed in certain parts of this
<]elig^Iitf'iil quarter of the, globe, tliat tlie right of fliscovery
has been so strenuously asserted — the influence of cultivation
so industriously extended, and the progress of salvation and
civilisation so zealously prosecuted, that, what with their
attendant wars, persecutions, oppressions, diseases, and other
partial evils that often hang on the skirts of great benefits —
the savage aborigines have, somehow or another, been utterly
annihilated — and this all at once brings me to a fourth right,
which is worth all the others put togetlier. — For the original
claimants to the soil being all dead and buried, and no one
remaining to inherit or dispute the soil, the Spaniards, as
the next immediate occupants, entered upon the possessi(m as
clearly as the hangman succeeds to the clothes of the male-
factor— and as tiiey have Blackstone*, and all the learned
expoundei-s of the law on their side, they may set all actions
of ejectment at defiance — and this last right may be entitled
the KiGiiT BY EXTEHMiXATiox, or, in other words, the kight

BY GUNPOWDER.

But lest any scruples of conscience should remain on this
head, and to settle the question of right for ever, his holiness
Pope Alexander YI. issued a bull, by which he generously
grnnted the newly-discovered quarter of the globe to the
Spaniards and Portuguese ; who, thus having law and
gospel on their side, and being inflamed with great spiritual
zeal, showed the Pagan savages neither favour nor affection,
but prosecuted the work of discovery, colonisation, civilisa-
tion, and extermination, with ten times more fury than ever.

Thus were the European worthies Avho first discovered
America clearly entitled to the soil ; and not only entitled to
the soil, but likewise to the eternal thanks of these infidel
savages, for having come so far, endured so many perils by
sea and land, and taking such unwearied pains, for no other
purpose but to improve their forlorn, uncivilised, and hea-
thenish condition: for having made them acquainted with
the comforts of life ; for having introduced among them the
light of religion; and, finally, for having hurried them out
of the world to enjoy its reward !

But as argument is never so well understood by us selfish
mortals as when it comes home to ourselves, and as I am par-
ticularly anxious that this question should be put to rest for

* BL Com. b. ii. c. 1.

CHAP, v.] INGENIOUS TIIKOKIES AND SPECULATIONS. 29

ever, I will suppose a parallel case, by way of arousing the
candid attention of my readers.

Let lis suppose, then, that the inhabitants of the moon, by
astonishing advancement in science, and by profound insight
into that lunar philosophy, the mere flickerings of which
liave of late years dazzled the feeble optics, and addled the
shallow brains of the good people of our globe — let us sup-
pose, I say, that the inhabitants of the moon, by these means,
had arrived at sucli a command of their energies, such an
enviable state cii perfectibilitij, as to control the elements, and
navigate tiie boundless regions of space. Let us suppose a
roving crew of these soaring philosophers, in the course of
an aerial voyage of discovery among the stars, should chance
to alight upon this outlandish planet.

And here I beg my readers will not have the uncharitable-
ness to smile, as is too frequently the fault of volatile readers,
when perusing the grave speculations of philosophers. I am
far from indulging in any sportive vein at present; nor is
the supposition I have been making so wild as many may deem
it. It has long been a very serious and anxious question with
me, and many a time and oft, in the course of my overwhelm-
ing cares and contrivances for the welfore and protection of
this my native planet, have I lain awake whole nights
debating in my mind, whether it were most probable we
should first discover and civilise the moon, or the moon
discover and civilise our globe. Neither would the pi'odigy
of sailing in the air and cruising among the stars be a whit
more astonishing and incomprehensible to us, than Avas the
European mystery of navigating floating castles through the
world of waters, to the simple natives. "We have already
discovered the art of coasting along the aerial shores of our
planet by means of balloons, as the savages had of venturing
along their sea-coasts in canoes ; and the disparity between
the ibrmer and the aerial vehicles of the philosophers from
the moon might not be greater than that between the bark
canoes of tiie savages and the mighty ships of their dis-
coverers. I might here pursue an endless chain of similar
speculations; but as they would be unimportant to my subject,
I abandon them to my reader, particularly if he be a philo-
soplier, as matters well worthy of his attentive consideration.

To return then to my supposition — let us suppose that the
aerial visitants I have mentioned, possessed of vastly superior

oO HISTORY OF NEW- YORK. [jiOOK I.

knowledge to ourselves ; that is to say, possessed of superior
knowledge in the art of extermination — riding on hyppogriffs
— defended with impenetrable armour — armed with concen-
trated sunbeams, and provided with vast engines, to luirl
enormous moon-stones ; in short, let us suppose them, if our
vanity will permit the supposition, as superior to us in know-
ledge, and consequently in power, as the Europeans were to
the Indians when they tirst discovered them. All this is
very possible ; it is only our self-sufficiency that makes us
think otherwise ; and I warrant the poor savages, before they
had any knowledge of the white men, armed in all the
terrors of glittering steel and tremendous gunpowder, were
as perfectly convinced that they themselves were the wisest,
the most virtuous, powerful, and perfect of crentiul beings,
as are, at this present moment, the lordly inhabitants of old
England, the volatile populace of France, or even the self-
satisfied citizens of this most enlightened republic.

Let us suppose, moreover, that the aerial voyagers, finding
this planet to be nothing but a howling wilderness, in-
habited by us poor savages and wild beasts, shall take formal
possession of it, in the name of his most gracious and philo-
sophic excellency, the man in the moon. Finding, however,
that their numbers are incompetent to hold it in complete
subjection, on account of the ferocious barbarity of its in-
habitants, they shall take our worthy President, the King of
England , the Emperor of Hayti, the mighty Bonaparte, and
the great King of Bantam, and returning to their native
planet, shall carry them to court, as were the Indian chiefs
led about as spectacles in the courts of Europe.

Then making such obeisance as the etiquette of the court
requires, they shall address the puissant man in the moon
in, as near as I can conjecture, die following terms: —

" Most serene and mighty Potentate, whose dominions
extend as i'ar as eye can reach, who rideth on the Great
Bear, useth the sun as a looking-glass, and maintaineth un-
rivalled control over tides, madmen, and sea-crabs. We thy
liege subjects have just returned from a voyage of discovery,
in the course of which we have landed and taken possession
of that obscure little dirty planet, which thou beholdest
rolling at a distance. The five uncouth monsters, which we
have bi'ought into this august presence, were once very im-
portant chiefs among their fellow savages, who are a race of

.CHAr. v.] INGENIOUS THEORIES AND SPECULATIONS. 31

beings totally destitute of the common attributes of humanity,
and diifering in every thing from the inhabitants of the
moon, inasmuch as they carry their heads upon their shoulders,
instead of under their arms — have two eyes instead of one
— are utterly destitute of tails, and of a variety of unseemly
complexions, particularly of hori'ible whiteness, instead of
pea-green.

'• We have, moreover, found these miserable savages sunk
into a state of the utmost ignorance and depravity, every
man shamelessly living with his own wife, and rearing his
own children, instead of indulging in that community of
wives enjoined by the law of nature, as expounded by the
philosophers of the moon. In a word, they have scarcely a
gleam of true philosophy among them, but are, in fact, utter
heretics, ignoramuses, and barbarians. Taking compassion,
therefore, on the sad condition of these sublunary wretches,
we have endeavoured, while we remained on their planet,
to introduce among them the light of reason, and the
comforts of the moon. We have treated them to mouthfuls
of moonshine, and draughts of nitrous oxide, which they
swallowed with incredible voracity, pai'ticulai'ly the females ;
and we have likewise endeavoured to instil into them the
precepts of lunar philosophy. We have insisted upon their
I'enouncing the contemptible shackles of religion and common
sense, and adoring the profound, omnipotent, and all perfect
energy, and the ecstatic, immutable, immovable perfection.
But such was the unparalleled obstinacy of these wretched
savages, that they persisted in cleaving to their wives, and
adhering to their religion, and absolutely set at naught the
sublime doctrines of the moon — nay, among other abomi-
nable Iieresies, they even went so far as blasphemously to
declare, that this ineffable planet was made of nothing more
nor less than green cheese!"

At these words, the great man in the moon (being a very
profound philosopher) shall fall into a terrible passion, and
possessing equal authority over things that do not belong
to him, as did whilom his holiness the Pope, shall forth-
with issue a formidable bull, specifying, '' That whereas a
certain crew of Lunatics have lately discovered, and taken
possession of a newly discovered planet called the earth — and
that whereas it is inhabited by none but a race of two-legged
animals that carry their heads on their shoulders instead of

32 HISTORY OF XEW-YOUK. [liOOK I.

under their arms; cannot talk tlie lunatic language; have
two eyes instead of one ; are destitute of tails, and of a
horrible whiteness, instead of pea-green — therefore, and for
a variety of other excellent reasons, they are considered in-
capable of i)ossessing any property in the planet they infest,
and the right and title to it are confirmed to its original
discoverers. — And furthermore, the colonists who are now
about to depart to the aforesaid planet are authorised and
commanded to use every means to convert these infidel savages
from the darkness of Christianity, and make them thorough
and absolute lunatics."

In consequence of this benevolent bull, our philosophic
benef;ictoi'3 go to work with liearty zeal. Tiiev seize upon
our fertile territories, scourge us from our rightful pos-
sessions, relieve us from our wives, and Avhen we are un-
reasonable enough to complain, they will turn upon us and
say, Miserable barbarians! ungrateful wretches I have we
not come thousands of miles to improve your worthless
planet ; have we not fed you with moonshine ; have we not
intoxicated you with nitrous oxide ; does not our moon give
you light every night, and have you the baseness to murmur,
when we claim a pitiful return for all these benefits? But
iinding that we not only persist in absolute contempt of their
reasoning and disbelief in their philosophy, but even go so
far as daringly to defend our property, their patience shall be
exhausted, and they shall resort to their superior powers of
argument ; liunt us with hyppogriffs, transfix us with concen-
trated sunbeams, demolish our cities with moon-stones; until
liaving, by main force, converted us to the true faith, thev
shall graciously permit us to exist in the torrid deserts of
Arabia, or the frozen regions of Lapland, there to enjoy the
blessings of civilisation and the charms of lunar philosophy,
in much the same manner as the reformed and enliglitened
savages of this country are kindly suffered to inhabit the in-
liospitable forests of the north, or the impenetrable wilder-
nesses of South America.

Thus, I hope, I have clearly proved, and strikingly illus-
trated, the right of the early colonists to the possession of
this country ; and thus is this gigantic question completely
vanquished : so having manfully surmounted all obstacles,
and subdued all opposition, what remains but that I should
forthwith conduct jny readers into the city which we have
been so long in a manner besieging? But hold; before I

BOOK. 11.3 FIRST SETTLEMENT OP NIETJW NEDERLANDTS. 33

proceed finother step, I must pause to take breath, and recover
from the excessive fatigue I have undergone, in preparing to
begin this most accurate of histories. And in tliis I do but
imitate the example of a renowned Dutch tumbler of antiquity,
who took a start of three miles for the purpose of jumping
over a hill, but having run himself out of breath by the time
lie reached the foot, sat himself (juietly down for a few moments
to blow, and then walked over it at his leisure.

BOOK II.

TREATING OF THE FIRST SETTLEMENT OF THE PRO\'INCE OP
NIEUW NEDERLANDTS.

CHAPTER I.

Mt great-grandfather, by the mother's side, Hermanus Van
Clattercop, when employed to build the large stone church
at Rotterdam, which stands about three hundred yards to
your left after you turn oif from the Boomkeys, and which
is so conveniently constructed, that all the zealous Christians
of Rotterdam prefer sleeping through a sermon there to any
other church in the city — my great-grandfather, I say, when
employed to build that famous churchy, did in the first place
send to Delft for a box of long pipes ; then having purchased
a new spitting-box and a hundred weight of the best Virginia,
he sat himself down, and did nothing for the space of three
months but smoke most laboriously. Then did he spend lull
three months more in trudging on foot, and voyaging in
trekschuit, from Rotterdam to Amsterdam — to Delft — to
Haerlem — to Leyden — to the Hague, knocking his head
and breaking his pipe against every church in his road. Then
did he advance gradually nearer and nearer to Rotterdam,
until lie came in full sight of the identical spot whereon the
church was to be built. Then did he spend three months
longer in walking round it and round it, contemplating it,
first from one point of view, and then from another — now
would he be paddled by it on the canal — now would he peep
at it through a telescope from the other side of the IMeuse,
and now would he take a bird's-eye glance at it, from the top
of one of those gigantic windmills which protect the gates of

D

34 HISTORY OF NEW-TORK. [bOOK II.

the city. The good folks of the place were on the tiptoe of
expectation and impatience — notwithstanding all the turmoil
of my great-grandfather, not a symptom of the church was
yet to be seen ; they even began to fear it would never be
brought into the world, but that its great projector would lie
down and die in labour of the mighty plan he had conceived.
At length, having occupied twelve good months in puffing
and paddling, and talking and walking — having travelled
over all Holland, and even taken a peep into France and
Germany — having smoked five hundred and ninety-nine
pipes, and three hundred weight of the best Virginia tobacco
— my great-grandfather gathered together all that knowing
and industrious class of citizens who prefer attending to any
body's business sooner than their own, and having pulled off
his coat and five pair of breeches, he advanced sturdily up,
and laid the corner-stone of the church, in the presence of
the whole multitude — just at the commencement of the
thirteenth month.

In a similar manner, and with the example of my worthy
ancestor full before my eyes, have I proceeded in writing this
most authentic history. The honest Rotterdamers no doubt
thought my great-grandfather was doing nothing at all to the
purpose, while he was making such a world of prefatory
bustle about the building of his church ; and many of the in-
genious inhabitants of this fiiir city will unquestionably sup-
pose that all the preliminary chapters, with the discovery,
population, and final settlement of America, were totally
irrelevant and superfluous — and that the main business, the
history of New-York, is not a jot more advanced than if I
had never taken up my pen. Never were wise people more
mistaken in their conjectures; in consequence of going to
work slowly and deliberately, the church came out of my
grandfather's hands one of the most sumptuous, goodly, and
glorious edifices in the known world — excepting that, like
our magnificent capitol at Washington, it was begun on so
grand a scale that the good folks could not afford to finish
more than the wing of it. So, likewise, I trust, if ever I am
able to finish this work on the plan I have commenced, (of
which, in simple truth, I sometimes have my doubts,) it will
be found that I have pursued the latest rules of my art, as
exemplified in the writings of all the great American his-
torians, and wx'ought a very large history out of a small

CHAP. I.] FIRST SETTLEMENT OF NIEUW NEDERLANDTS. 35

subject — which, now-a-days, is considered one of the great
triumphs of historic skill. To proceed, then, with the thread
of my story.

In the ever-memorable year of our Lord, 1609, on a Sa-
turday morning, the five-and-twentieth day of March, old
style, did that "worthy and irrecoverable discoverer (as he
has justly been called). Master Henry Hudson," set sail from
Holland in a stout vessel called the Half Moon, being em-
ployed by the Dutch East India Company to seek a north-west
passage to China.

Henry (or, as the Dutch histoinans call him, Hendrick)
Hudson was a seafaring man of renown, who had learned
to smoke tobacco under Sir Walter Raleigh, and is said to
have been the first to introduce it into Holland, which gained
him much popularity in that country, and caused him to find
great favour in the eyes of their High Mightinesses the Lords
States General, and also of the Honourable West India Com-
pany. He was a short, square, brawny old gentleman, with a
double chin, a mastiff mouth, and a broad copper nose, which
was supposed in those days to have acquired its fiery hue from
the constant neighbourhood of his tobacco pipe.

He wore a true Andrea Ferrara, tucked in a leathern belt,
and a commodore's cocked hat on one side of his head. He
was remarkable for always jerking up his breeches when he
gave out his orders, and his voice sounded not unlike the
brattling of a tin trumpet, owing to the number of hard
north-westers which he had swallowed in the course of his
seafaring.

Such was Hendrick Hudson, of whom we have heard so
much, and know so little ; and I have been thus particular
in his description for the benefit of modern painters and sta-
tuaries, that they may represent him as he was ; and not,
according to their common custom with modern heroes, make
him look like Csesar, or Marcus Aurelius, or the Apollo of
Belvidere.

As chief mate and favourite companion, the commodore
chose master Robert Juet, of Limehouse, in England. By
some his name has been spelt Chewit, and ascribed to the cir-
cumstance of his having been the first man that ever chewed
tobacco ; but this I believe to be a mere flippancy ; more
especially as certain of his progeny are living at this day,
who write their names Juet. He was an old comrade and

36 HISTORY OF NEW- YORK. [bOOK H.

early schoolmate of the great Hudson, with whom he had
often played truant and sailed chip boats in a neighbouring
pond, when they were little boys ; from whence, it is said, the
commodore first derived his bias towards a seafaring life.
Certain it is, that the old people about Limehouse declared
Kobert Juet to be an unlucky urchin, prone to mischief, that
would one day or other come to the gallows.

He grew up as boys of that kind often grow up, a ram-
bling, heedless varlet, tossed about in all quarters of the
world, meeting with more perils and wonders than did Sinbad
the Sailor, without growing a whit more wise, prudent, or ill-
natured. Under every misfortune, he comforted himself with
a quid of tobacco, and the truly philosophic maxim, that " it
will be all the same thing a hundred years hence." He was
skilled in the art of carving anchors and true lovers' knots on
the bulk-heads and quarter-railings, and was considered a
gi'eat wit on board ship, in consequence of his playing pranks
on every body around, and now and then even making a
wry face at old Hendrick, when his back was turned.

To this universal genius are we indebted for many par-
ticulars concerning this voyage, of which he wrote a history,
at the request of the commodore, who had an unconquerable
aversion to writing himself, from having received so many
floggings about it when at school. To supply the deficiencies
<jf master Juet's journal, which is written with true log-book
brevity, I have availed myself of divers family traditions,
Landed down from my great-great-grandfather, who accom-
panied the expedition in the capacity of cabin-boy.

From all that I can learn, few incidents worthy of remark
happened in the voyage; and it mortifies me exceedingly that
I have to admit so noted an expedition into my work, without
making any more of it.

Suffice it to say, the voyage was prosperous and tranquil
— the crew, being impatient people, much given to slumber
and vacuity, and but little troubled with the disease of think-
ing— a malady of the mind, which is the sure breeder of dis-
content. Hudson had laid in abundance of gin and sour-krout,
and every man was allowed to sleep quietly at his post unless
the wind blew. True it is, some slight disatfection was
shown on two or three occasions, at certain unreasonable con-
duct of Commodore Hudson. Thus, for instance, he forebore
to shorten sail when the wind was light and the weather

CHAP. I.] FIRST SETTLEMENT OF NIEUW NEDERLANDT3. 37

serene, which was considered among the most experienced
Dutch seamen as certain weather-breeders, or prognostics,
that the weather would change for the worse. He acted, more-
over, in direct contradiction to that ancient and sage rule
of the Dutch navigators, who always took in sail at night,
put the helm a-port, and turned in ; by which precaution
they had a good night's rest, were sure. of knowing where
they were the next morning, and stood but little chance of
running down a continent in the dark. Pie likewise pro-
hibited the seamen from wearing more than five jackets and
six pair of breeches, under pretence of rendering them more
alei't ; and no man was permitted to go aloft, and hand in
sails with a pipe in his mouth, as is the invariable Dutch
custom at the present day. All these grievances, though they
might rufile for a moment the constitutional tranquillity of the
honest Dutch tars, made but transient impression ; they eat
hugely, drank profusely, and slept immeasurably, and i)eing
under the especial guidance of Providence, the ship was safely
conducted to the coast of America ; where, after sundry un-
important touchings and standings off and on, she at length,
on the fourth day of September, entered that majestic bay,
which at this day expands its ample bosom before the city of
New- York, and which had never before been visited by any
Eui'opean.*

* True it is, and I am not ignorant of the fact, that in a certain apo-
cryphal book of voyages, compiled by one Hakhiyt, is to be found a letter
written to Francis the First, by one Giovanne, or John Verazzani, on which
some writers are incluied to found a belief that this delightful bay had beeu
visited nearly a century previous to the voyage of the enterprising Hudson.
Now this (albeit it has met with the countenance of certain very judicious
and learned men) I hold in utter disbelief, and that for various good and
substantial reasons : First, Because on strict examination it will be found,
that the description given by this Verazzani applies about as well to the
bay of New- York as it does to my night-cap. Secondly, because that this
John Verazzani, for whom I already begin to feel a most bitter enmity, is
a native of Florence ; and eveiy body knov.s (he crafty wiles of these losel
Florentines, by which they filched av/ay the laurels from the brows of the
immortal Colon, (vulgarly called Columbus,) and bestowed them on their
ofhcious townsman, Amerigo Vespucci; and I make no doubt they arc
equally ready to rob the illustrious Hudson of the credit of discovering
this beautiful island, adomcd by the city of New- York, and placing it be-
side their usuqied discovery of South America. And, thirdly, I award my
decision in favour of the pretensions of Hendrick Hudson, inasmuch as his
expedition sailed from Holland, being truly and absolutely a Dutch enter-
prise ; and though all the proofs in the world were introduced on the other

D 3

38 HISTORY OF NEAV-TORK. [bOOK U.

It has been traditionary in our family, that when the great
navigator was first blessed with a view of this enchanting
island, he was observed, for the first and only time in his life,
to exhibit strong symptoms of astonishment and admiration.
He is said to have turned to master Juet, and uttered these
remarkable words, while he pointed towards this paradise of
the new world — " See! there !" — and thereupon, as was al-
ways his way when he was uncommonly pleased, he did puff
out such clouds of dense tobacco smoke, that in one minute
the vessel was out of sight of land, and master Juet was fain
to wait until the winds dispersed this impenetrable fog.

" It was indeed," as my great-grandfather used to say,
though in truth I never heard him, for he died, as might be
expected, before I was born — "It was indeed a spot on which
the eye might have revelled for ever, in ever new and never
ending beauties." The island of Mannahata spread wide
before them, like some sweet vision of fancy, or some fair
creation of industrious magic. Its hills of smiling green
swelled gently one above another, crowned with lofty trees of
luxui'iant growth ; some pointing their tapering foliage
towards the clouds, which were gloriously transparent, and
others loaded with a verdant burthen of clambering vines,
bowing their branches to the earth, that was covered with
flowers. On the gentle declivities of the hills were scattered,
in gay profusion, the dog-wood, the sumach, and the wild
brier, whose scarlet berries and white blossoms glowed brightly
among the deep green of the surrounding foliage ; and here
and there a curling column of smoke rising from the little
glens that opened along the shore, seemed to promise the
weary voyagers a welcome at the hands of their fellow
creatures. As they stood gazing with entranced attention
on the scene before them, a red man, crowned with feathers,
issued from one of these glens, and after contemplating in
silent wonder the gallant ship, as she sat like a stately swan
swimming on a silver lake, sounded the warhoop, and bounded
into the woods like a wild deer, to the utter astonishment of

side, I would set them at nought as undeserving my attention. If these
three reasons be not sufficient to satisfy every burgher of this ancient city,
all I can say is, they are degenerate descendants from their venerable
Dutch ancestors, and totally unworthy the trouble of couA-incing. Thus,
therefore, the title of Hendrick Hudson to his renowned discovery is fully
vindicated.

CHAP. 1.3] FIRST SETTLEMENT OF NIEUW NEDERLANDTS. 39

the phlegmatic Dutchmen, who had never heard such a noise,
or witnessed such a caper in their whole lives.

Of the transactions of our adventurers with the savages,
and how the latter smoked copper pipes, andate dried currants ;
how they brought great store of tobacco and oysters ; how
they shot one of the ship's crew, and how he was buried, I
shall say nothing, being that I consider them unimportant
to my history. After tarrying a few days in the bay, in
order to refresh themselves after their seafaring, our voyagers
weighed anchor, to explore a mighty river which emptied
into the bay. This river, it is said, was known among the
savages by the name of the Shatemuck ; though we are
assured in an excellent little history published in 1674, by
John Josselyn, gent., that it was called the Mohegan* ; and
master Richard Bloome, who wrote some time afterwards,
asserts the same — so that I very much incline in favour of
the opinion of these two honest gentlemen. Be this as it
may, up this river did the adventurous Hendrick proceed,
little doubting but it would turn out to be the much looked-
for passage to China !

The journal goes on to make mention of divers interviews
between the crew and the natives, in the voyage up the
river ; but as they would be impertinent to my history,
I shall pass over them in silence, except the following dxy
joke, played off by the old commodore and his school-fellow,
Robert Juet, which does such vast credit to their experi-
mental philosophy, that I cannot refrain from inserting it.
" Our master and his mate determined to try some of the
chiefe men of the countrey, whether they had any treacherie
in them. So they tooke them downe into the cabin, and
gave them so much wine and aqua vitas, that they were all
merrie ; and one of them had his wife with him, which sate
so modestly, as any of our countrey women would do in a
strange place. In the end, one of them was drunke, which
had been aborde of our ship all the time that we had been
there, and that was strange to them, for they could not tell
how to take it."f

Having satisfied himself by this ingenious experiment,
that the natives were an honest, social race of jolly roysters

• This river is likewise laid down in Ogilvy's map as Manhattan —
Noordt Montaigne and Mauritius river.
. f Juet's Journ. Purch. PiL

D 4

40 HISTORY OF NEW-YORK. [bOOK IT.

w'lio liad no objection to a drinking bout, and were very
merry in their cups, the old commodore chuckled hugely to
himself, and thrusting a double quid of tobacco in his cheek,
directed master Juet to have it carefully recorded, for the
satisfaction of all the natural philosophers of the University
of Leyden — which done, lie proceeded on his voyage with
great self-complacency. After sailing, however, above an
hundred miles up the river, he found the watery world
around him began to grow more shallow and confined, the
current more rapid and perfectly fresh — phenomena not
uncommon in the ascent of rivers, but which puzzled the
honest Dutchmen prodigiously. A consultation was there-
fore called, and having deliberated full six hours, they were
brought to a determination by the ship's running aground
— whereupon they unanimously concluded, that there was
but little chance of getting to China in this direction. A
boat, however, was dispatched to explore higher up the river,
which, on its return, confirmed the opinion ; upon this the
ship was warped off and put about with great difficulty,
being, like most of her sex, exceedingly hard to govern ;
and the adventurous Hudson, according to the account of my
great-great-grandfather, returned down the river — with a
prodigious flea in his ear !

Being satisfied that there was little likelihood of getting
to China, unless, like the blind man, he returned from whence
he sat out, and took a fresh start, he forthwith reci-ossed the
sea to Holland, where he was received with great welcome
by the Honourable East India Company, who were very much
rejoiced to see him come back safe with their ship ; and
at a large and respectable meeting of the first merchants and
burgomasters of Amsterdam it was unanimously determined,
that as a munificent reward for the eminent services he had
performed, and the important discovery he had made, the
great river Mohegan should be called after his name; and
it continues to be called Hudson River unto this very day.

CHAP. n.

The delectable accounts given by the great Hudson and
master Juet, of the country they had discovered, excited not
a little talk and speculation among the good people of Holland.

CHAP, n.] FIKST SETTLEMENT OP NIEUW NEDERLANDTS. 41

Letters patent were granted by government to an association
of merchants, called the West India Company, for the ex-
clusive trade on Hudson River, on which they erected a
trading-house called Fort Aurania, or Orange, from whence
did spring the great city of Albany. But I forbear to dwell
on the various commei'cial and colonising enterprises which
took place ; among which was that of Mynheer Adrian Block,
who discovered and gave a name to Block Island, since
famous for its cheese — and shall barely confine myself to that
which gave birth to this renowned city.

It was some three or four years after the return of the
immortal Hendrick, that a crew of honest Low Dutch colonists
set sail i'rom the city of Amsterdam for the shores of America.
It is an irreparable loss to history, and a great proof of the
darkness of the age, and the lamentable neglect of the noble
art of book-making, since so industriously cultivated by
knowing sea-captains and learned supercargoes, that an ex-
pedition so .interesting and important in its results should
be passed over in utter silence. To my great-great-grand-
father am I again indebted for the few facts I am enabled to
give concerning it — he having once more embarked for this
country, with a full determination, as he said, of ending his
days here — and of begetting a race of Knickerbockers, that
should i-ise to be great men in the land.

The ship in which these illustrious adventurers set sail was
called the Goede Vrouu\ or good Avoman, in compliment to
the wife of the president of the West India Company, who
was allowed by every body (except her husband) to be a sweet-
tempered lady — when not in liquor. It was in truth a most
gallant vessel, of the most approved Dutch construction, and
made by the ablest ship-carpenters of Amsterdam, who, it is
well known, always model their ships after the fair forms of
their countrywomen. Accordingly, it had one hundred feet
in the beam, one hundred feet in the keel, and one hundred
feet from the bottom of the stern-post to the tafferel. Like
the beauteous model, who was declared to be the greatest belle
in Amsterdam, it was full in the bows, with a pair of enormous
cat-heads, a copper bottom, and withal a most prodigious poop.

The architect, who was somewhat of a religious man, far
from decorating the ship with pagan idols, such as Jupiter,
Neptune, or Hercules, (which heathenish abominations, I have
no doubt, occasion the misfortunes and shipwreck of many a
noble vessel,) he, I say, on the contrary, did laudably erect

42 HISTORY OF NEW-lft)RK. [bOOK H.

for a head, a goodly image of St. Nicholas, equipped with a
low, broad-brimmed hat, a huge pair of Flemish trunk hose,
and a pipe that reached to the end of the bowsprit. Thus
gallantly furnished, the staunch ship floated sideways, like a
majestic goose, out of the harbour of the great city of Am-
sterdam, and all the bells, that were not otherwise engaged,
rang a triple bobmajor on the joyful occasion.

My great-great-grandfather remarks, that the voyage was
uncommonly prosperous, for, being under the especial care of
the ever-revered St. Nicholas, the Goede Vrouw seemed to be
endowed Avith qualities unknown to common vessels. Thus
she made as much leeway as headway, could get along very
nearly as fast with the wind ahead as when it was a-poop,
and was particularly great in a calm; in consequence of which
singular advantages, she made out to accomplish her voyage
in a very few months, and came to anchor at the mouth of the
Hudson, a little to the east of Gibbet Island.

Here lifting up their eyes, they beheld, on what is at present
called the Jersey shore, a small Indian village, pleasantly em-
bowered in a grove of spreading elms, and the natives all col-
lected on the beach, gazing in stupid admiration at the Goede
Vrouw. A boat was immediately dispatched to enter into a
treaty with them, and approaching the shore, hailed them
through a trumpet in the most friendly terms ; but so horribly
confounded were these poor savages at the tremendous and
uncouth sound of the Low Dutch language, that they one and
all took to their heels, and scampered over the Bergen Hills ;
nor did they stop until they had buried themselves, head and
ears, in the marshes on the other side, where they all miser-
ably perished to a man ; and their bones being collected and
decently covered by the Tammany Society of that day, formed
that singular mound called Rattlesnake Hill, which rises
out of the centre of the salt marshes, a little to the east of the
Newark Causeway.

Animated by this unlooked-for victory, our valiant heroes
sprang ashore in triumph, took possession of the soil as con-
querors, in the name of their High Mightinesses the Lords
States General; and marching fearlessly forward, carried the
village of Communipaw by storm, notwithstanding that it was
vigorously defended by some half a score of old squaws and
pappooses. On looking about them they were so transported
with the excellences of the place, that they had very little
doubt the blessed St. Nicholas had guided them thither, as the

CHAP, n.] FIRST SETTLEMENT OF NIEUW NEDERLANDTS. 43

very spot whereon to settle their colony. The softness of the
soil was wonderfully adapted to the driving of piles; the
swamps and marshes around them afforded ample opportu-
nities for the constructing of dykes and dams; the shallowness
of the shore was peculiarly favourable to the building of
docks ; in a word, this spot abounded with all the requisites
for the foundation of a great Dutch city. On making a faithful
report, therefore, to the crew of the Goede Vrouw, they one
and all determined that this was thedestinedendof their voy-
age. Accordingly they descended from the Goede Vrouw, men,
women, and children, in goodly groups, as did the animals of
yore from the ark, and formed tjiemselves into a thriving set-
tlement, which they called by the Indian name Communipaw.

As all the world is doubtless perfectly acquainted with Com-
munipaw, it may seem somewhat superfluous to treat of it in
the present work; but my readers will please to recollect,
that notwithstanding it is my chief desire to satisfy the present
age, yet I write likewise for posterity, and have to consult
the understanding and curiosity of some half a score of cen-
turies yet to come; by which time, perhaps, were it not for
this invaluable history, the great Communipaw, like Babylon,
Carthage, Nineveh, and other great cities, might be perfectly
extinct — sunk and forgotten in its own mud — its inhabitants
turned into oysters*, and even its situation a fertile subject
of learned controversy and hard-headed investigation among
indefatigable historians. Let me then piously rescue from
oblivion the humble relics of a place, which was the egg from
whence was hatched the mighty city of New-York!

Communipaw is at present but a small village, pleasantly
situated, among rural scenery, on that beauteous part of the.
Jersey shore which was known in ancient legends by the name
of Pavonia t, and commands a grand prospect of the superb bay
of New-York. It is within but half an hour's sail of the
latter place, provided you have a fair wind, and may be dis-
tinctly seen from the city. Nay, it is a well known fact, which
I can testify from my own experience, that on a clear still sum-
mer evening, you may hear, from the battery of New- York, the
obstreperous peals of broad-mouthed laughter of the Dutch
negroes at Communipaw, who, like most other negroes, are

* Men by inaction degenerate into oysters. — Kaimes.
t Pavonia, in the ancient maps, is given to a tract of country extendinp
from about Hoboken to Amboy.

44 HISTORY OF NEW-YORK- [liOOK II.

famous for their risible powers. Tliis is peculiarly the case
on Sunday evenings, when, it is remarked by an ingenious and
observant philosopher, who has made great discoveries in the
neighbourhood of this city, that they always laugh loudest —
which he attributes to the circumstance of their having their
holiday clothes on.

These negroes, in fact, like the monks in the dark ages,
engross all the knowledge of the place, and, being infinitely
more adventurous and more knowing than their masters,
carry on all the foreign trade, making frequent voyages to
town in canoes loaded with oysters, buttermilk, and cabbages.
They are great astrologers, predicting the difterent changes
of weatlier almost as accurately as an almanack ; they are,
moreover, exquisite performers on three-stringed fiddles ; in
whistling they almost boast the far-famed powers of Orpheus's
lyre, for not a horse or an ox in the place, when at the plough
or before tlie waggon, will budge a foot until he hears the well
known whistle of his black di-iver and companion. — And from
their amazing skill at casting up accounts upon their fingers,
they are regarded with as much veneration as were the dis-
ciples of Pythagoras of yore, when initiated into the sacred
quaternary of numbers.

As to the honest burghers of Communipaw, like wise men
and sound philosophers, they never look beyond their pipes,
nor ti'ouble their heads about any affairs out of their imme-
diate neighbourhood; so that they live in profound and enviable
ignorance of all the troubles, anxieties, and revolutions of this
distracted planet. I am even told that many among them do
verily believe that Holland, of which they have heard so much
from tradition, is situated somewhere on Long Island — that
Spiking-devil and the Narrozos are the two ends of the world
— that the country is still under the dominion of their High
Mightinesses, and that the city of New-York still goes by the
name of Nieuw Amsterdam. They meet every Saturday
afternoon at the only tavern in the place, which bears as a sign
a square-headed likeness of the Prince of Orange, where they
smoke a silent pipe, by way of promoting social conviviality,
and invariably drink a mug of cider to the success of Admiral
Van Tromp, who they imagine is still sweeping the British
channel with a broom at his mast-head.

Communipaw, in short, is one of the numerous little villages
in the vicinity of this most beautiful of cities, which are so

ClliU'. III.] FIRST SETTLEMENT OF NIEUW NEDERLANDTS. 45

many strong-holds and fastnesses, whither the primitive man-
ners of our Dutch forefathers liave retreated, and wiiere tliey
ai'e cherished with devout and scrupulous strictness. The
dress of the original settlers is handed down inviolate, from
father to son — the identical broad-brimmed hat, broad-skirted
coat, and broad-bottomed breeches, continue from generation
to generation ; and several gigantic knee-buckles of massy
silver are still in weai", that made gallant display in the days
of the patriarchs of Communipaw. The language likewise
continues unadulterated by barbarous innovations ; and so
critically correct is the village schoolmaster in his dialect,
that his reading of a Low Dutch psalm has much the same
eftect on the nerves as the filing of a hand-saw.

CHAP. ni.

Having, in the trifling digression which concluded the last
chapter, discharged the filialduty which the city of New-York
owed to Communipaw, as being the mother settlement ; and
having given a faithful picture of it as it stands at present, 1
return with a soothing sentiment of self-approbation to dwell
upon its early history. Tlie crew of the Goede Vrouw being
soon reinforced by fresh importations from Holland,the settle-
ment went jollily on, increasing in magnitude and prosperity.
The neighbouring Indians in a short time became accustomed
to the uncouth sound of the Dutch language, and an inter-
course gradually took place between them and the new comers.
The Indians were much given to long talks, and the Dutch to
long silence ; in this particular, therefore, they accommodated
each other completely. The chiefs would make long speeches
nbout the big bull, the wabash, and the Great Spirit, to which
the others would listen very attentively, smoke their pipes,
and grunt yah^ myn-her ; whereat the poor savages were
wondrously delighted. They instructed the new settlers in
the best art of curing and smoking tobacco, while the latter,
in return, made them drunk with true Hollands — and then
taught them the art of making bargains.

A brisk trade for furs was soon opened: the Dutch traders
were scrupulously honest in their dealings, and purchased by
weight, establishing it as an invariable table of avoirdupoise,
that the hand of a Dutchman weighed one pound, and his foot

46 HISTORY OF NEW- YORK. [bOOK H.

two pounds. It is true the simple Indians wei'e often puzzled
by the great disproportion between bulk and weight, for let
them place a bundle of furs, never so large, in one scale, and
a Dutchman put his hand or foot in the other, the bundle was
sure to kick the beam — never was a package of furs known to
weigh more than two pounds in the market of Communipaw !

This is a singular fact — but I have it direct from my great-
great-grandfather, who had risen to considerable importance
in the colony, being promoted to the office of weigh-master, on
account of the uncommon heaviness of his foot.

The Dutch possessions in this part of the globe began now to
assume a very thriving appearance, and were comprehended
under the general title of Nieuw Nederlandts, on account,
as the sage Vander Donck observes, of their great resemblance
to the Dutcn^RetEerlands — which indeed was truly remark-
able, excepting that the former was rugged and mountainous,
and the latter level and marshy. About this time the tran-
quillity of the Dutch colonists was doomed to suflfer a tem-
porary interruption. In 1614, Captain Sir Samuel Argal,
sailing under a commission from Dale, governor of Virginia,
visited the Dutch settlements on Hudson River, and demanded
their submission to the English crown and Virginian dominion.
To this arrogant demand, as they were in no condition to re-
sist it, they submitted for the time, like discreet and reason-
able men.

It does not appear that the valiant Argal molested the
settlement of Communipaw : on the contrary, I am told that
when his vessel first hove in sight, the worthy burghers were
seized with such a panic, that they fell to smoking their pipes
with astonishing vehemence ; insomuch that they quickly
raised a cloud, which, combining with the surrounding woods
and marshes, completely enveloped and concealed their be-
loved village, and overhung the fair regions of Pavonia —
so that the terrible Captain Argal passed on, totally unsuspi-
cious that a sturdy little Dutch settlement lay snugly couched
in the mud, under cover of all this pestilent vapour. In com-
memoration of this fortunate escape, the worthy inhabitants
have continued to smoke, almost without intermission, unto
this very day ; which is said to be the cause of the remarkable
fog which often hangs over Communipaw of a clear afternoon

Upon the departure of the enemy, our worthy ancestors
took full six months to recover their wind and get over the

CHAP. III.] FIRST SETTLEMENT OF NIEUW NEDERLANDTS. 47

consternation into which they had been thrown. They then
called a council of safety to smoke over the state of the pro-
vince. At this council presided one Oloffe Van Kortlandt, a
personage who was held in great reverence among the sages
of Communipaw for the variety and darkness of his knowledge.
He had originally been one of a set of peripatetic philosophers
who passed much of their time sunning themselves on the
side of the great canal of Amsterdam in Holland ; enjoying,
like Diogenes, a free and unincumbered estate in sunshine.
His name Kortlandt (Shortland or Lackland) was supposed,
like that of the illustrious Jean Sansterre, to indicate that he
had no land; but he insisted, on the contrary, that he had
great landed estates somewhere in Terra Incognita ; and he
had come out to the new world to look after them. He was
the first great land speculator that we read of in these parts.

Like all land speculators, he was much given to dreaming.
Never did any thing extraordinary happen at Communipaw
but he declared that he had previously dreamt it, being one
of those infallible prophets who predict events after they have
come to pass. This supernatural gift was as highly valued
among the burghers of Pavonia as among the enlightened
nations of antiquity. The wise Ulysses was more indebted
to his sleeping than his waking moments for his most subtle
achievements, and seldom undertook any great exploit with-
out first soundly sleeping upon it ; and the same may be said
of Oloffe Van Kortlandt, who was thence aptly denominated
Oloffe the Dreamer.

As yet his dreams and speculations had turned to little per-
sonal profit ; and he was as much a lack-land as ever. Still
he carried a high head in the community ; if his sugar-loaf
hat was rather the worse for wear, he set it off with a taller
cock's-tail ; if his shirt was none of the cleanest, he puffed it
out the more at the bosom ; and if the tail of it peeped out of
a hole in his breeches, it at least proved that it really had a
tail and was not mere ruffle.

The worthy Van Kortlandt, in the council in question, urged
the policy of emerging from the swamps of Communipaw and
seeking some more elegible site for the seat of empire. Such,
he said, was the advice of the good St. Nicholas, who had
appeared to him in a dream the night before ; and whom he
had known by his broad hat, his long pipe, and the resem-
blance which he bore to the figure on the bow of the Goede
Vrouw

48 HISTORY OF XEW-YORK. [[bOOK II.

Many have tlioucjht this dream was a mere invention of
Oloffe Van Kortlandt ; who, it is said, had ever regarded
Communipaw with an evil eye, because he had arrived there
after all the land had been shared out, and Avho was anxious
to change the seat of empire to some new place, where he
might be present at the distribution of " town lots." But we
must not give heed to such insinuations, which are too apt
to be advanced against those worthy gentlemen engaged in
laying out towns, and in other land speculations. For my
own part I am disposed to place the same implicit faith in
the vision of OlofFe the Dreamer that was manifested by the
honest burghers of Communipaw, who one and all agreed
that an expedition should be forthwith fitted out to go on a
voyage of discovery in quest of a new seat of empire.

This perilous enterprise was to be conducted by Oloffe
himself; who chose as lieutenants, or coadjutors, Mynheers
Abraham Hardenbroeck, Jacobus Van Zandt, and Winant
Ten Broeck — three indubitably great men, but of whose
history, although I have made diligent inquiry, I can learn
but little previous to their leaving Holland. Nor need this
occasion much surprise; for adventurers, like prophets, though
they make great noise abroad, have seldom much celebrity
in their own countries ; but this much is certain, that the
overflowings and offscourings of a country are invariably
composed of the richest parts of the soil. And here I can-
not help remarking how convenient it would be to many of
our great men and great families of doubtful origin, could
they have the privilege of the heroes of yore, who, whenever
their origin was involved in obscurity, modestly announced
themselves descended from a god, and who never visited a
foreign country but what they told some cock and bull stories
about their being kings and princes at home. This venal
trespass on the truth, though it has been occasionally played
off by some pseudo marquis, baronet, and other illustrious
foreigner, in our land of good-natured credulity, has been
completely discountenanced in this sceptical, matter-of-fact
age ; and I even question whether any tender virgin, who
was accidentally and unaccountably enriched with a bantling,
would save her character at parlour firesides and evening tea-
parties by ascribing the phenomenon to a swan, a shower of
gold, or a river god.

Had I the benefit of mythology and classic fjible above al-
luded to, I should have furnished the first of the trio with a

CHAP. III.] FIRST SETTLEMENT OF NIEUW NEDERLANDTS. 49

pedigree equal to that of the proudest hero of antiquity. His
name, Van Zaudt, that is to siij,Jrom the sand, or, in common
parlance, from the dirt, gave reason to suppose that, like
Triptolemus, Themes, the Cyclops, and the Titans, he had
sprung from Dame Terra, or tlie Earth ! This supposition
is strongly corroborated by his size, for it is well known that
all the progeny of Motiier Earth were of a gigantic stature ;
and Van Zandt, we are told, was a tall, raw-Bonfe JTnanT^aixive
six feet high — with an astonisliingly hard head. Nor is this
origin of the illustrious Van Zandt a whit more improbable
or repugnant to belief than what is related and universally
admitted of certain of our greatest, or rather richest, men ;
who, we are told with the utmost gravity, did originally spring
from a dunghill !

Of the second of the trio, but faint accounts have reached
to this time, Avhich mention that he was a sturdy, obstinate,
worrying, bustling little man ; and, from being usually
equipped in an old pair of buckskins, Avas familiarly dubbed
Harden Broeck ; that is to say. Hard in the Breech ; or, as
it was generally rendered. Tough Breeches.

Ten Broeck completed this junto of adventurers. It is a
singular but ludicrous fact, which, were I not scrupulous in
recording the whole truth, I should almost be tempted to pass
over in silence, as incompatible with the gravity and dignity
of history, that this worthy gentleman should likewise have
been nicknamed from wliat, in modern times, is considered the
most ignoble part of the dress. But, in truth, the small-clothes
seems to have been a very dignified garment in the eyes of our
venerated ancestors, in all probability from its covering that
part ofthe body which has been pronounced "the seat of honour."

The name of Ten Broeck, or, as it was sometimes spelt.
Tin Broeck, has been indifferently translated into Ten
Breeches and Tin Breeches. Certain elegant and ingenious
writers on the subject declare in favour of Tin, or rather Tliin,
Breeches ; whence they infer that the original bearer of it
was a poor but merry rogue, whose galligaskins were none
of the soundest, and who, peradventure, may have been the
author of that truly philosophical stanza :

" Then why should wc quarrel for riches,
Or any such glittering;; toys ;
A light heart and ti an pair of breeches
"Will go through the worlcl, my brave boysl"
K

50 HISTORY OF NEW-YOKK. [bOOK IL

The more accurate commentators, however, declare in favour
of the other reading, and affirm that the worthy in question
was a burly, bulbous man, who, in sheer ostentation of his
venerable progenitors, was the first to introduce into the
settlement the ancient Dutch fashion of ten pair of breeches.

Such was the trio of coadjutors chosen by Olotfe the
Dreamer, to accompany him in this voyage into unknown
realms ; as to the names of his crews they have not been
handed down by history.

Having, as I before observed, passed much of his life in
the open air, among the peripatetic philosophers of Amsterdam,
OlofFe had become familiar with the aspect of the heavens,
and could as accurately determine when a storm was brewing
or a squall rising, as a dutiful husband can foresee, from the
brow of his spouse, when a tempest is gathering about his
ears. Having pitched upon a time for his voyage, when the
skies appeared propitious, he exhorted all his crews to take
a good night's rest, wind up their family affairs, and make
their wills ; precautions taken by our forefathers even in
after times when they became more adventurous, and voyaged
to Haverstraw, or Kaatskill, or Groodt Esopus, or any other
far country, beyond the great waters of the Tappan Zee.

CHAP. IV.

And now the rosy blush of morn began to mantle in the east,
and soon the rising sun, emerging from amidst golden and
purple clouds, shed his blithsome rays on the tin weathercocks
of Comraunipaw. It was that delicious season of the year,
when Nature, breaking from the chilling thraldom of old
winter, like a blooming damsel from the tyranny of a sordid
old father, threw herself, blushing with ten thousand chai'ms,
into the arms of youthful Spring. Every tufted copse and
blooming grove resounded with the notes of hymeneal love.
The very insects, as they sipped the dew that gemmed the
tender grass of the meadows, joined in the joyous epithalamium
— the virgin bud timidly put forth its blushes, " the voice of
the turtle was heard in the land," and the heart of man dis-
solved away in tenderness. Oh, sweet Theocritus I had I
thine oaten reed, wherewith thou erst did charm the gay
Sicilian plains; or, oh, gentle Bion! thy pastoral pipe,
wherein the happy swains of the Lesbian isle so much de-

CHAP. IV.] FIRST SETTLEMENT OF NIEUW NEDERLANDTS. 51

lighted, then might I attempt to sing, in soft Bucolic or
negligent Idyllium, the rural beauties of the scene ; but
having nothing, save this jaded goose-quill, whei-ewith to
wing my flight, I must fain resign all poetic disportings of
the fancy, and pursue my narrative in humble prose ; com-
forting myself with the hope, that though it may not steal
so sweetly upon the imagination of my reader, yet it may
commend itself, with virgin modesty, to his better judgment,
clothed in the chaste and simple garb of truth.

No sooner did the first rays of cheerful Phoebus dart into
the windows of Communipaw, than the little settlement was
all in motion. Forth issued from his castle the sage Van
Kortlandt, and seizing a conch shell, blew a far resounding
blast, that soon summoned all his lusty followers. Then did
they trudge resolutely down to the water side, escorted by a
multitude of relatives and friends, who all went down, as the
common phrase expresses it, "to see them oif." And this
shows the antiquity of those long family processions, often
seen in our city, composed of all ages, sizes^ and sexes, laden
with bundles and bandboxes, escorting some bevy of country
cousins, about to depart for home in a market-boat.

The good Olofie bestowed his forces in a squadron of three
canoes, and hoisted his flag on board a little round Dutch
boat, shaped not unlike a tub, which had formerly been the
jolly-boat of the Goede Vrouw. And now, all being em-
barked, ihey bade farewell to the gazing throng upon the
beach, who continued shouting after them, even when out of
hearing, wishing them a happy voyage, advising them to take
good care of themselves, not to get drowned — with an abun-
dance other of those sage and invaluable cautions, generally
given by landsmen to such as go down to the sea in ships,
and adventure upon the deep waters. In the meanwhile the
voyagers cheerily urged their course across the crystal bosom
of the bay, and soon left behind them the green shores of
ancient Pavonia.

And first they touched at two small islands which lie nearly
opposite Communipaw, and which are said to have been
brought into existence about the time of the great irruption
of the Hudson, when it broke through the Highlands and made
its way to the ocean.* For, in this tremendous uproar of the

* It is a matter long since established by certain of our philosophers,
that is to say, having been often advanced and never contradicted, it has

E 2

52 HISTORY OF XEW-TORK. [bOOK U.

•waters, we are told that many huge fragments of rock and
land were rent from the mountains and swept down by this
runaway rivei', for sixty or seventy miles; where some of them
ran aground on the shoals just opposite Communipaw, and
formed the identical islands in question, while others drifted
out to sea, and were never heard of more. A sufficient proof
of the fact is, that the rock which forms the bases of these
islands is exactly similar to that of the Highlands, and more-
over one of our philosophers, who has diligently compared the
agreement of their respective sui-faces, has even gone so far
as to assure me, in confidence, that Gibbet Island was ori-
ginally nothing more nor less than a wart on Anthony's nose. *

Leaving these wonderful little isles, they next coasted by
Governor's Island, since terrible from its frowning fortress
and grinning batteries. They would by no means, however,
land upon this island, since they doubted much it might be
the abode of demons and spirits, which in those days did
greatly abound throughout this savage and pagan country.

Just at this time a shoal of jolly porpoises came rolling and
tumbling by, turning up their sleek sides to the sun, and
spouting up the briny element in sparkling showers. No
sooner did the sage Oloffe mark this than he was greatly re-
joiced. " This," exclaimed he, " if I mistake not, augurs well
— the porpoise is a fat, well-conditioned fish — a burgomaster
among fishes — his looks betoken ease, plenty, and prosperity
— I greatly admire this round fat fish, and doubt not but this
is a happy omen of the success of our undertaking." So saying,
he directed his squadron to steer in the track of these alder-
man fishes.

Turning, therefore, directly to the left, they swept up the
strait vulgarly called the East River. And here the I'apid tide
which courses through this strait, seizing on the gallant tub
in which Commodore Van Kortlandt had embarked, hurried

gi-own to be pretty nigh equal to a settled fact, that the Hudson was ori-
ginally a lake dammed up by the mountains of the Iliglilands. In process
of time, however, becoming very mighty and obstreperous, and the moun-
tains waxing pursy, dropsical, and weak in the back, by reason of their
extreme old age, it suddenly rose upon them, and after a violent struggle
effected its escape. This is said to have come to pass in very remote time,
probably before that rivers had lost the art of running up hilL The fore-
going is a theory in which I do not pretend to be skilled, notwithstanding
that I do fully give it my belief.
* A promontory in tlie Plighlands.

CHAP. IV. J FIRST SETTLEMENT OF NIEUW NEDERLAKDTS. 53

it forward with a velocity unparalleled in a Dutch boat, navi-
gated by Dutchmen; insomuch that the good commodore, who
had all his life long been accustomed only to the drowsy na-
vigation of canals, was more than ever convinced that they
were in the hands of some supernatural power, and that tlie
jolly porpoises were towing them to some fair haven that was
to fulfil all tlieir wishes and expectations.

Thus borne away by the resistless current, they doubled that
boisterous point of land since called Corlear's Hook *, and leav-
ing to the right the rich winding cove of the Wallabout, they
drifted into a magnificent expanse of water, sm-rounded by
pleasant shores, whose verdure was exceedingly refresliing to
the eye. While the voyagers were looking around them, on
what they conceived to be a serene and sunny lake, they
beheld at a distance a crew of painted savages, busily em-
ployed in fishing, who seemed more like the genii of this
romantic region — their slender canoe lightly balanced like a
feather on the undulating surface of the bay.

At sight of these the hearts of the heroes of Communipaw
were not a little troubled. But, as good fortune would have
it, at the bow of the commodore's boat was stationed a very
valiant man, named Hendrick Kip (which, being interpreted,
means chicken, a name given him in token of his courage). No
sooner did he behold these varlet heathens, than he trembled
with excessive valour, and although a good half mile distant,
he seized a musketoon tliat lay at hand, and turning away
his head, fired it most intrepidly in the face of the blessed
sun. The blundering weapon recoiled, and gave the valiant
Kip an ignominious kick, which laid him prostrate with up-
lifted heels in the bottom of the boat. But such was the effect
of this tremendous fire, that the wild men of the woods, struck
with consternation, seized hastily upon their paddles, and shot
away into one of the deep inlets of the Long Island shore.

This signal victory gave new spirits to the voyagers, and
in honour of the achievement they gave the name of the
valiant Kip to the surrounding bay, and it has continued to
be called Kip's Bay from that time to the present. The
heart of the good Van Kortlandt — who, having no land of
Jiis own, was a great admirer of otiier people's — expanded
to the full size of a pepper-corn at the sumptuous prospect
of rich unsettled country around him, and falling into a de-

* Properly spelt hocck (i. c. a point of land).

K 3 »

54 HISTORY OF NEW- YORK. [BOOK H.

licious reverie, he straightway began to riot in the possession
of vast meadows of salt marsh and interminable patches of
cabbages. From this delectable vision he was all at once
awakened by the sudden turning of the tide, which would
soon have hurried him from this land of promise, had not the
discreet navigator given signal to steer for shore ; where
they accordingly landed hard by the rocky heights of Belle-
vue — that happy retreat, where our jolly aldermen eat for
the good of the city, and fatten the turtle that are sacrificed
on civic solemnities.

HerCj seated on the green-sward, by the side of a small
stream that ran spai'kling among the grass, they refreshed
themselves after the toils of the seas, by feasting lustily on
the ample stores which they had provided for this perilous
voyage. Thus having well fortified their deliberative powers,
they fell into an earnest consultation, what was farther to be
done. This was the first council dinner ever eaten at Belle-
vue by Christian burghers ; and here, as tradition relates,
did originate the great family feud between the Harden-
bi'oecks and the Tenbroecks, which afterwards had a singular
influence on the building of the city. The sturdy Harden
Broeck, whose eyes had been Avondrously delighted with the
salt marshes which spread their reeking bosoms along the
coast, at the bottom of Kip's Bay, counselled by all means to
return thither, and found the intended city. This was stre-
nuously opposed by the unbending Ten Broeck, and many
testy arguments passed between them. The particulars of
this controversy have not reached us, which is ever to be
lamented ; this much is certain, that the sage Oloffe put an
end to the dispute, by determining to explore still farther in
the route which the mysterious porpoises had so clearly
pointed out ; whereupon the sturdy Tough Breeches aban-
doned the expedition, took possession of a neighbouring hill,
and in a fit of great wrath peopled all that tract of country,
which has continued to be inhabited by the Hardenbroecks
unto this very day.

By this time the jolly Phoebus, like some wanton urchin
sporting on the side of a green hill, began to roll down the
declivity of the heavens ; and now, the tide having once
more turned in their favour, the Pavoniaus again committed
themselves to its discretion, and coasting along the western
shores, were borne towards the straits of Blackwell's Island.

CHAP, IV.] FIRST SETTLEMENT OF NIEUTT NEDERLANDTS. 55

And here the capricious wanderings of the current oc-
casioned not a little marvel and perplexity to these illustrious
mariners. Now would they be caught by the wanton eddies,
and, sweeping round a jutting point, would wind deep into
some romantic little cove, that indented the fair island of
Manna-hata ; now were they hurried narrowly by the very
bases of impending rocks, mantled with the flaunting grape-
vine, and crowned with groves which threw a broad shade
on the waves beneath ; and anon they were borne away into
the raid-channel and wafted along with a rapidity that very
much discomposed the sage Van Kortlandt, who, as he saw
the land swiftly receding on either side, began exceedingly
to doubt that terra firma was giving them the slip.

Wherever the voyagers turned their eyes, a new creation
seemed to bloom around. No signs of human thrift appeared
to check the delicious wildness of Nature, who here revelled
in all her luxuriant variety. Tliose hills, now bristled, like
the fretful porcupine, with rows of poplars (vain upstart
plants ! minions of wealth and fashion !), were then adorned
with the vigorous natives of the soil ; the lordly oak, the
generous chesnut, the graceful elm — while here and there
the tulip-tree reared its majestic head, the giant of the forest.
Where now are seen the gay retreats of luxury — villas half
buried in twilight bowers, whence the amorous flute oft
breathes the sighings of some city swain — there the fish-
hawk built his solitary nest, on some dry tree that overlooked
his watery domain. The timid deer fed undisturbed along
those shores now hallowed by the lover's moonlight walk,
and printed by the slender foot of beauty ; and a savage
solitude extended over those happy regions, where now are
reared the stately towers of the Joneses, the Schermerhornes,
and the Rhinelanders.

Thus gliding in silent wonder through these new and un-
known scenes, the gallant squadron of Favonia swept by the
foot of a promontory, which strutted forth boldly into the
waves, and seemed to frown upon them as they brawled
against its base. This is the bluff well known to modern
mariners by the name of Grade's Point, from the fair castle
which, like an elephant, it carries upon its back. And here
broke upon their view a wild and varied prospect, where
land and water were beauteously intermingled, as though
they had combined to heighten and set off each other's

E 4

56 HISTORY OF NEW- YORK. [BOOK n.

charms. To their right lay the sedgy point of Blackwell's
Island, drest in tlie fresh garniture of living green ; beyond
it stretched the pleasant coast of Sundswick, and the small
harbour well known by the name of Hallet's Cove — a place
infamous in latter days, by reason of its being the haunt of
pirates who infest these seas, robbing orchards and water-melon
patches, and insulting gentlemen navigators when voyaging
in tlieir pleasure boats. To the left a deep bay, or rather
creek, gracefully receded between shores fringed with forests,
and forming a kind of vista, through which were beheld the
sylvan regions of Haerlem, Morrissania, and East Chester.
Here the eye reposed with delight on a richly wooded
country, diversified by tufted knolls, shadowy intervals, and
waving lines of upland, swelling above each other ; while,
over the whole, the purple mists of spring diffused a hue of
soft voluptuousness.

Just before them the grand course of the stream, making
a sudden bend, wound among embowered promontories and
shores of emerald verdure, that seemed to melt into the
wave. A character of gentleness and mild fertility prevailed
around. The sun had just descended, and the thin haze of
twilight, like a transparent veil drawn over the bosom of
virgin beauty, heightened the charms which it half concealed.

Ah ! witching scenes of foul delusion ! Ah ! hapless voy-
agers, gazing with simple wonder on these Circean shores !
Such, alas ! are they, poor easy souls, who listen to the se-
ductions of a wicked world ; treacherous, are its smiles,
fatal its caresses ! He who yields to its enticements launches
upon a whelming tide, and trusts his feeble bark among the
dimpling eddies of a Avhirlpool ! And thus it fared with the
worthies of Pavonia, wdio, little mistrusting the guileful
scene before them, drifted quietly on, until they were aroused
by an uncommon tossing and agitation of tlieir vessels. For
now the late dimpling current began to brawl around them,
and the waves to boil and foam with horrific fury. Awakened
as if from a dream, the astonished Oloffe bawled aloud to put
about, but his words were lost amid the roaring of the waters.
And now ensued a scene of direful consternation. At one
time they were borne with dreadful velocity among tumultu-
ous bi'eakers ; at another, hurried down boisterous rapids.
Now they were nearly dashed upon the Hen and Chickens
(infamous rocks ! more voracious than Scylla and her

CHAP. IV.] FIRST SETTLEMENT OF NIEUW NEDERLANDTS. 57

\vlielps) ; and anon they seemed sinking into yawning gulfs,
that threatened to entomb them beneath the waves. All
the elements combined to produce a hideous confusion. The
waters raged — the winds howled — and as they were hurried
along, several of the astonished mariners beheld the rocks
and trees of the neighbouring shores driving through the air !

At length the mighty tub of Commodore Van Kortlandt
was drawn into the vortex of that tremendous whirlpool
called the Pot, where it was whirled about in giddy mazes,
until the senses of the good commander and his crew were
overpowered by the horror of the scene, and the strangeness
of the revolution.

How the gallant squadron of Pavonia was snatched from
the jaws of this modern Charybdis, has never been truly
made known, for so many survived to tell the tale, and, what
is still more wonderful, told it in so many different Avays,
that there has ever prevailed a great variety of opinions on
the subject.

As to the commodore and his crew, when they came to
their senses, they found themselves stranded on the Long
Island shore. The Avorthy commodore, indeed, used to relate
many and wonderful stories of his adventures in this time of
peril ; how that he saw spectres flying in the air, and heard
the yelling of hobgoblins, and put his hand into the pot when
they were whirled round, and found the water scalding hot,
and beheld several uncouth-looking beings seated on rocks and
skimming it with huge ladles ; but particularly he declared
with great exultation, that he saw the losel porpoises, which
had betrayed them into this peril, some broiling on the
Gridiron, and others hissing on the Frying-pan !

These, however, were considered by many as mere phan-
tasies of the commodore, while he lay in a trance, especially
as he was known to be given to dreaming ; and the truth of
them has never been clearly ascertained. It is certain, how-
ever, that to the accounts of Oloffe and his followers may be
traced the various traditions handed down of this marvellous
strait — as how the Devil has been seen there, sitting astride
of the Hog's Back and playing on the fiddle — how he broils
fish there before a storm ; and many other stories, in which
we must be cautious of putting too much faith. In conse-
quence of all these terrific circumstances, the Pavonian com-
mander gave this pass the name of Ilelle-gat, or, as it has

58 HISTORY OF NEW- YORK. [BOOK IL

been interpreted, Hell-gate * ; whicli it continues to bear at
the present day.

CHAP. V.

The darkness of night had closed upon this disastrous day,
and a doleful night was it to the shipwrecked Pavouians,
whose ears were incessantly assailed with the raging of the
elements, and the howling of the hobgoblins that infested
this perfidious strait. But when the morning dawned, the
horrors of the preceding evening had passed away, rapids,
breakers, and whirlpools had disappeared, the stream again
ran smooth and dimpling, and having changed its tide,
rolled gently back towards the quarter where lay their
much-regretted home.

The woe-begone heroes of Communipaw eyed each other
with rueful countenances ; their squadron had been totally
dispersed by the late disaster. Some were cast upon the
western shore, where, headed by one Ruleff Hopper, they
took possession of all the country lying about the six-mile-
stone, which is held by the Hoppers at this present writing.

The Waldrons were driven by stress of weather to a
distant coast, where, having with them a jug of genuine
Hollands, they were enabled to conciliate the savages, setting
up a kind of tavern ; whence, it is said, did spring the fair
town of Haerlem, in which their descendants have ever since
continued to be reputable publicans. As to the Suydams,
they were thrown upon the Long Island coast, and may still

* This is a naiTow strait in the Sound, at the distance of six miles above
New-York. It is dangerous to shipping, unless under the care of skilful
pilots, by reason of numerous rocks, shelves, and whirlpools. These have
received sundry appellations, such as the Gridiron, Frying-pan, Hog's Back,
Pot, &c., and are very violent and turbulent at certain times of tide. Cer-
tain mealy-mouthed men, of squeamish consciences, who are loth to give
the Devil his due, have softened the above characteristic name into Hurl-
gate, forsooth ! Let those take care how they A'cnture into the Gate, or
they may be hurled into the Pot before they are aware of it. The name
of this strait, as given by our author, is supported by the map in Vander
Donck's history, published in 1656 — by Ogilvie's History of America,
1671 — as also by a journal still extant, written in the 16th century, and
to be found in Hazard's State Papers. And an old MS. written in French,
speaking of various alterations in names about this city, observes, " De
Helle-gat, trou d'Enfer, ils ont fait Hell-gale, porte d'Enfer."

CHAP, v.] FIRST SETTLEMENT OF NIEUW NEDERLANDTS. 59

be found in those parts. But the most singular luck attended
the great Ten Broeck, who, falling overboard, was miracu-
lously preserved from sinking by the multitude of his nether
garments. Thus buoyed up, he floated on the waves like a
merman, or like an angler's dobber, until he landed safely
on a rock, where he was found the next morning busily
drying his many breeches in the sunshine.

I forbear to treat of the long consultation of Oloffe with
his remaining followers, in which they determined that it
would never do to found a city in so diabolical a neighbour-
hood. Suffice it in simple brevity to say, that they once
more committed themselves, with fear and trembling, to the
briny element, and steered their course back again through
the scenes of their yesterday's voyage, determined no longer
to roam in search of distant sites, but to settle tliemselves
down in the marshy regions of Pavonia.

Scarce, however, had they gained a distant view of Com-
munipaw, when they were encountered by an obstinate eddy,
which opposed their homeward voyage. Weary and dis-
pirited as they were, they yet tugged a feeble oar against
the stream ; until, as if to settle the strife, half a score of
potent billows rolled the tub of Commodore Van Kortlandt
high and dry on the long point of an island which divided
the bosom of the bay.

Some pretend that these billows were sent by old Neptune
to strand the expedition on a spot whereon was to be founded
his stronghold in this western world : others, more pious,
attribute every thing to the guardianship of the good St.
Nicholas ; and after events will be found to corroborate this
opinion. Oloffe Van Kortlandt was a devout trencherman.
Every repast was a kind of religious rite with him ; and his
first thought on finding him once more on dry ground, was
how he should contrive to celebrate his wonderful escape
from Hell-gate and all its horrors by a solemn banquet.
The stores, which had been provided for the voyage by the
good housewives of Communipaw, were nearly exhausted;
but, in casting his eyes about, the commodore beheld that
the shore abounded with oysters. A great store of these
was instantly collected ; a fire was made at the foot ^f a tree ;
all hands fell to roasting and broiling and stewing and frying,
and a sumptuous repast was soon set forth. This is thought
to be the origin of those civic feasts with which, to the

60 HISTORY OF NEW-YORK. [bOOK U.

present day, all our public affairs are celebrated, and ia
which the oy;?ter is ever sure to play an important part.

On the pi'esent occasion, the worthy Van Kortlandt was
observed to be particularly zealous in his devotions to the
trenclier ; for having the cares of the expedition especially
committed to his care, he deemed it incumbent on him to
eat profoundly for the public good. In proportion as he
filled himself to the very brim with the dainty viands before
him, did the heart of this excellent burgher rise up towards
his throat, until he seemed crammed and almost choked
with good eating and good nature. And at such times it is,
when a man's heart is in his throat, that he may more truly
be said to speak from it, and his speeches abound with kind-
ness and good fellowship. Thus, having swallowed the last
possible morsel, and washed it down with a fervent potation,
Oloffe felt his heart yearning, and his whole frame in a
manner dilating with unbounded benevolence. Every thing
around him seemed excellent and delightful ; and laying his
hands on each side of his capacious periphery, and rolling
his half-closed eyes around on the beautiful diversity of land
and water before him, he exclaimed, in a fat, half-smothered
voice, "What a charming prospect!" The words died
away in his throat — he seemed to ponder on the fair scene
for a moment — his eyelids heavily closed over their orbs — •
his head drooped upon his bosom — he slowly sank upon the
green turf, and a deep sleep stole gradually over him.

And the sage Oloffe dreamed a dream — and, lo ! the good
St. Nicholas came riding over the tops of the trees, in that
self-same waggon wherein he brings his yearly presents to
children, and he descended hard by where the heroes of Com-
munipaw had made their late repast. And he lit his pipe by
the fire, and sat himself down and smoked ; and as he smoked
the smoke from his pipe ascended into the air, and spread like
a cloud overhead. And Oloffe bethought him, and he has-
tened and climbed up to the top of one of the tallest trees, and
saw that the smoke spread over a great extent of country —
and as he considered it more attentively, he fancied that the
great volume of smoke assumed a variety of marvellous forms,
where in dim obscurity he saw shadowed out palaces and
domes and lofty spires, all of which lasted but a moment, and
then faded away, until the whole rolled off, and nothing but
the green woods were left. And when St. Nicholas had

CHAP. VI.] FIRST SETTLEMENT OF NIEUW NEDERLANDTS. 61

smoked his pipe, he twisted it in his hat-band, and laying his
finger beside his nose, gave the astonished Van Kortlandt a
very significant look, then mounting his waggon, he returned
over the tree-tops and disappeared.

And Van Kortlandt awoke from his sleep greatly instructed,
and he aroused his companions, and related to them his dream,
and interpreted it, that it was the will of St. Nicholas that
they should settle down and build tlie city here ; and that the
smoke of tlie pipe was a type how vast would be the extent
of the city, inasmuch as the volumes of its smoke would
spread over a wide extent of country. And they all with
one voice assented to this interpretation excepting Mynheer
Ten Broeck, who declared the meaning to be, that it would
be a city whex*ein a little fire would occasion a great smoke,
or, in other words, a very vapouring little city — both which,
interpretations have strangely come to pass !

The great object of their perilous expedition, therefore,
being thus happily accomplished, the voyagers returned mer-
rily to Communipaw, where they were received with great
rejoicings. And here calling a general meeting of all the
wise men and the dignitaries of Pavonia, they related the
whole history of their voyage, and of the dream of OlofFe Van
Kortlandt. And the people lifted up their voices and blessed
the good St. Nicholas, and from that time forth the sage Van
Kortlandt was held in more honour than ever, for his great
talent at di-eaming, and was pronounced a most useful citizen
and a right good man — when he was asleep.

CHAP. VI.

The original name of the island whereon the squadron of
Communipaw was thus propitiously thi-own, is a matter of
some dispute, and has already undergone considerable vitiation
— a melancholy proof of the instability of all sublunary things,
and the vanity of all our hopes of lasting fame ; for who can
expect his name will live to posterity, when even the names
of mighty islands are thus soon lost in contradiction and
uncertainty !

The name most current at the present day, and which is
likewise countenanced by the great historian Vander Donck,
is Manhattan ; which is said to have originated in a custom

62 HISTORY OF NETV-YORK. [^^^OK II.

among the squaws, in the early settlement, of wearing men's
hats, as is still done among many tribes. " Hence," as we
are told by an old governor, who was somewhat of a wag, and
flourished almost a century since, and had paid a visit to the
wits of Philadelphia, " hence arose the appellation of man-bat-
on, first given to the Indians, and afterwards to the island "
— a stupid joke ! — but well enough for a governor.

AmonsT the more venerable sources of information on this
subject, is that valuable history of the American possessions,
written by Master Richard Blome, in 1687, wherein it is
called Manhadaes and Manahanent ; nor must I forget the ex-
cellent little book, full of precious matter, of that authentic his-
torian, John Josselyn, gent., who expressly calls it Manadaes.

Another etymology still more ancient, and sanctioned by
the countenance of our ever to be lamented Dutch ancestors,
is that found in certain letters still extant *; which passed
between the early governors and their neighbouring powers,
wherein it is called indifferently Monhattoes, Munhatos, and
Manhattoes, which are evidently unimportant variations of
the same name ; for our wise forefathers set little store by
those niceties either in orthography or orthoepy, which form
the sole study and ambition of many learned men and women
of this hypercritical age. This last name is said to be derived
from the great Indian spirit Manetho, who was supposed to
make this island his favourite abode, on account of its un-
common delights. For the Indian traditions affirm that the
bay was once a translucid lake, filled with silver and golden
fish, in the midst of which lay this beautiful island, covered
with every variety of fruits and flowers ; but that the sudden
irruption of the Hudson laid waste these blissful scenes, and
Manetho took his flight beyond the great waters of Ontario.

These, however, are very fabulous legends, to which very
cautious credence must be given ; and though I am willing
to admit the last quoted orthography of the name as very fit
for prose, yet is there another which I peculiarly delight in,
as at once poetical, melodious, and significant — and which
we have on the authority of Master Juet, who, in his account
of the voyage of the great Hudson, calls this IManna-hata —
that is to say, the island of manna — or, in other words, a
land flowing with milk and honey.

Still my deference to the learned obliges me to notice the

* Vide Hazard's Col. Stat. Pap.

CHAP. Vn.] FIRST SETTLEMENT OF NIEUW NEDERLANDTS. 63

opinion of the worthy Dominie Heckwelder, which ascribes the
name to a great drunken bout, held on the island by the
Dutch discoverers, whereat they made certain of the natives
most ecstatically drunk for the first time in their lives ; who,
being delighted with their jovial entertainment, gave the
place the name of Mannahattanink ; that is to say, The Island
of Jolly Topers : a name which it continues to merit to the
present day.*

CHAR VII.

It having been solemnly resolved that the seat of empire
should be removed from the green shores of Pavonia to the
pleasant island of Manna-hata, every body was anxious to
embark under the standard of Oloffe the Dreamer, and to be
among the first sharers of the promised land. A day was ap-
pointed for the grand migration, and on that day little Com-
munipaw was in a buzz and a bustle like a hive in swarming
time. Houses were turned inside out and stripped of the
venerable furniture which had come from Holland ; all the
community, great and small, black and white, man, woman,
and child, was in commotion, forming lines from the houses
to the water side, like lines of ants from an ant-hill ; every
body laden with some article of household furniture ; while
busy housewives plied backwards and forwards along the
lines, helping every thing forward by the nimbleness of their
tongues.

By degrees a fleet of boats and canoes were piled up with
all kinds of household articles ; ponderous tables ; chests of
drawers resplendent with brass ornaments ; quaint corner
cupboards ; beds and bedsteads ; with any quantity of pots,
kettles, frying-pans, and Dutch ovens. In each boat em-
barked a whole family, from the robustious burgher down to
the cats and dogs and little negroes. In this way they set oif
across the mouth of the Hudson, under the guidance of Oloffe
the Dreamer, who hoisted his standard on the leading boat.

This memorable migration took place on the first of May,
and was long cited in tradition as the grand moving. The
anniversary of it was piously observed among the "sons of the
pilgrims of Communipaw," by turning their houses topsy-

* MSS. of the Rev. John Heckwelder, in the archives of the New- York
Historical Society,

64 niSTORY OF NEW-TOKK. [bOOK U.

turvy, and carrying all the furniture through the streets, in
emblem of the swarming of the parent hive ; and this is
the real origin of the universal agitation and " moving " by
■which this most restless of cities is literally turned out of
doors on every May-day.

As the little squadron from Comraunipaw drew near to the
shores of Manna-hata, a sachem, at the head of a band of
warriors, appeared to oppose their landing. Some of the most
zealous of the pilgrims were for chastising this insolence with
powder and ball, according to the approved mode of disco-
verers ; but the sage OlofFe gave them the significant sign of
St. Nicholas, laying his finger beside his nose and winking
Lard with one eye ; whereupon his followers perceived that
there was something sagacious in the wind. He now addressed
the Indians in the blandest terms, and made such tempting
display of beads, hawk's bells, and red blankets, that he was
soon permitted to land, and a great land speculation ensued.
And here let me give tlie true story of the original pui'chase
of the site of this renowned city, about which so much has
been said and written. Some affirm that the first cost was
but sixty guilders. The learned Dominie Heckwelder records
a tradition * that the Dutch discoverers bargained for only
so much land as the hide of a bullock would cover ; but that
they cut the hide in strips no thicker than a child's finger, so
as to take in a large portion of land, and to take in the In-
dians into the bargain. This, however, is an old fable which
the worthy Dominie may have borrowed from antiquity. The
true version is, that Olofte Van Ivortlandt bargained for just
so much land as a man could cover with his nether garments.
The terms being concluded, he produced his friend Mynheer
Ten Broeck, as the man whose breeches were to be used in
measurement. The simple savages, whose ideas of a man's
nether garments had never expanded beyond the dimensions
of a breech clout, stared with astonishment and dismay as
they beheld this bulbous-bottomed burgher peeled like an
onion, and breeches after breeches spread forth over the land
until they covered the actual site of this venerable city.

This is the true history of the adroit bargain by which the
Island of Manhattan was bought for sixty guilders ; and in
corroboration of it I will add, that Mynheer Ten Breeches,
for his services on this memorable occasion, was elevated to

* MSS. of the Rev. John Heckwelder ; New York Historical Society.

i

CHAP, Vm.] FIRST SETTLEMENT OF NIEUW NEDEULANDTS. 65

the office of land measurer ; which he ever afterwards exer-
cised in the colony.

CHAP. VIII.

The land being thus fairly purchased of the Indians, a cir-
cumstance very unusual in the history of colonisation, and
strongly illustrative of the honesty of our Dutch progenitors,
a stockade fort and trading house were forthwith erected on
an eminence in fi'ont of the place where the good St. Nicholas
had appeared in a vision to Oloffe the Dreamer ; and which,
as has already been observed, was the identical place at
present known as the Bowling Green.

Around this fort a progeny of little Dutch-built houses, with
tiled roofs and weathercocks, soon sprang up, nestling them-
selves under its walls for protection, as a brood of half-fledged
chickens nestle under the wings of the mother hen. The
whole was surrounded by an inclosure of strong palisadoes, to
guard against any sudden irruption of the savages. Outside
of these extended the corn-fields and cabbage-gardens of the
community, with here and there an attempt at a tobacco
plantation ; all covering those tracts of country at present
called Broadway, Wall-street, William-street and Pearl-street.

I must not omit to mention, that in portioning out the land
a goodly " bowerie " or farm was allotted to the sage Oloffe,
in consideration of the service he had rendered to the public
by his talent at dreaming ; and the site of his " bowerie " is
known by the name of Kortlandt (or Courtland) street to the
present day.

And now the infant settlement having advanced in age and
stature, it was thought high time it should receive an honest
Ciiristian name. Hitherto it had g^e by the original Indian
name Manna-hata, oi', as some will have it, "The Manhattoes;"
but this was now decried as savage and heathenish, and as
tending to keep up tlie memory of the pagan brood that ori-
ginally possessed it. Many were the consultations held upon
the subject, without coming to a conclusion, for though every
body condemned the old name, nobody could invent a new
one. At length, when the council was almost in despair, u
burgher, remarkable for the size and squareness of his head,
proposed that they should call it New- Amsterdam. The pro-

F

66 HISTORY OF NEW- YORK. [BOOK U.

position took every body by surprise ; it was so striking, so
apposite, so ingenious. Tiie name was adopted by acclanaa-
tion, and New -Amsterdam the metropolis was thenceforth
called. Still, however, the early authors of the province
continued to call it by the general appellation of " The Man-
hattoes," and the poets fondly clung to the euphonious name
of Manna-hata ; but those are a kind of folk whose tastes and
notions should go for nothing in matters of this kind.

Having thus provided the embryo city with a name, the
next was to give it an armorial bearing or device, as some
cities have a rampant lion, others a soaring eagle ; emblem-
atical, no doubt, of the valiant and high-flying qualities of
the inhabitants : so after mature deliberation a sleek beaver
was emblazoned on the city standard as indicative of the
amphibious origin, and patient, persevering habits of the
New-Amsterdammers.

The thriving state of the settlement and the rapid increase
of houses soon made it necessary to arrange some plan upon
which the city should be built; but at the very first consult-
ation held on the subject, a violent discussion arose; and I
mention it Avith much sorrowing as being the first altercation
on record in the councils of New-Amsterdam. It was, in
fact, a breaking-forth of the grudge and heart-burning that
had existed between those two eminent burghers. Mynheers
Ten Broeck and Harden Broeck, ever since their uniiappy
dispute on the coast of Bellevue. "^rhe great Harden Broeck
had waxed very wealthy and powerful from his domains,
which embraced the whole chain of Apulean mountains that
stretched along the gulf of Kip's Bay, and from part of
which his descendants have been expelled in latter ages by
the powerful clans of the Joneses and the Schermerhornes.

An ingenious plan for tlie city was oifered by Mynheer
Harden Broeck, who proposed that it should be cut up and
intersected by canals, after the manner of the most admired
cities in Holland. To this Mynheer Ten Broeck was dia-
metrically opposed, suggesting in place thereof, that they
should run out docks and wharves, by means of piles driven
into the bottom of the river, on which the town should be
built. " By these means," said he, triumphantly, " shall we
rescue a considerable space of territory from these immense
I'ivers, and build a city that shall rival Amsterdam, Venice,
or any amphibious city in Europe." To this proposition,

CHAP. VIII.] FIRST SETTLEMENT OF NIEUW NEDERLANDTS. 67

Harden Broeck (or Tough Breeches) replied, with a look
of as much scorn as he could possibly assume. He cast
the utmost censure upon the plan of his antagonist^ as being
preposterous, and against the very orderof things, as he would
leave to every true Hollander. " For what," said he, " is a
town without canals? — it is like a body without veins and
arteries, and must perish for want of a free circulation of
the vital fluid." — Ten Breeches, on the contrary, retorted
with a sarcasm upon his antagonist, who was somewhat of
an arid, dry-boned habit ; he remarked, that as to the circu-
lation of the blood being necessary to existence. Mynheer
Tough Breeches was a living contradiction to his own as-
sertion ; for every body knew there had not a drop of blood
circulated through his wind-dried carcase for good ten years,
and yet there was not a greater busybody in the whole colony.
Personalities have seldom much effect in making converts in
argument; nor have I ever seen a man convinced of eiTor
by being convicted of deformity. At least such was not the
case at present. If Ten Breeches was very happy in sarcasm,
Tough Breeches, who was a sturdy little man, and never gave
up the last word, rejoined with increasing spirit ; Ten
Breeches had the advantage of the greatest volubility, but
Tough Breeches had that invaluable coat of mail in argument
called obstinacy ; Ten Breeches had, therefore, the most
mettle, but Tough Breeches the best bottom — so that though
Ten Breeches made a dreadful clattering about his ears, and
battered and belaboured him with hard words and sound
arguments, yet Tough Breeches hung on most resolutely to
the last. They parted, therefore, as is usual in all arguments
where both parties are in the right, without coming to any
conclusion ; but they hated each other most heartily for ever
after, and a similar breach with that between the houses of
Capulet and Montague did ensue between the families of
Ten Breeches and Tough Breeches.

I would not fatigue my reader with these dull matters of
fact, but that my duty as a faithful historian requires that I
sliould be particular ; and, in truth, as I am now treating of
the critical period when our city, like a young twig, first
received the twists and turns wiiich have since contributed
to give it its present picturesque irregularity, I cannot be too
minute in detailing their first causes.

After the unhappy altercation I have just mentioned, I do

68 HISTORY OF NEW-YORK. [bOOK H.

not find that anything farther was sairl on the subject worthy
of being recorded. The council, consisting of the largest and
oldest heads in the community, met regularly once a week,
to ponder on this momentous subject ; but, either they were
deterred by the war of words they had witnessed, or they
were naturally averse to the exercise of the tongue, and the
consequent exercise of the brains — certain it is, the most
profound silence was maintained — the question, as usual, lay
on the table — the members quietly smoked their pipes,
making but few laws, without ever enforcing any, and in the
meantime the aifairs of the settlement went on — as it
pleased God.

As most of the council were but little skilled in the mystery
of combining pot-hooks and hangers, they determined most
judiciously not to puzzle either themselves or posterity with
voluminous records. The secretary, however, kept the
minutes of the council with tolerable precision, in a large
vellum folio, fastened with massy brass clasps ; the journal
of each meeting consisted but of two lines, stating in Dutch,
that " the council sat this day, and smoked twelve pipes on
the affairs of the colony." By which it appears that the
first settlers did not regulate their time by hours, but pipes,
in the same manner as they measure distances in Plolland at
this very time ; an admirably exact measurement, as a pipe
in the moutli of a true-born Dutchman is never liable to those
accidents and irregularities that are continually putting our
clocks out of order.

In this manner did the profound council of New- Amster-
dam smoke, and doze, and ponder, from week to week, month
to month, and year to year, in what manner they should
construct their infant settlement; meanwhile the town took
care of itself, and, like a sturdy brat which is suffered to run
about wild, unsliackled by clouts and bandages, and other
abominations by which your notnble nurses and sage old
women cripple and disfigure tiie children of men, increased
so rapidly in strength and magnitude, that before the honest
burgomasters had determined upon a plan, it was too late to
put it in execution — whereupon they wisely abandoned the
subject altogether.

CHAP. IX.] FIRST SETTLEMENT OP NIEUW NEDERI.ANDTS. 69

CHAP. IX.

Theee is something exceedingly delusive in thus looking
back, through the long vista of departed years, and catching
a glimpse of the fairy realms of antiquity. Like a landscape
melting into distance, they receive a tliousand charms from
their very obscurity, and the fancy delights to fill up their
outlines with graces and excellences of its own creation.
Thus loom on my imagination those happier days of our city,
when as yet New-Amsterdam was a mere pastoral town,
slu-ouded in groves of sycamores and willows, and surrounded
by trackless forests and wide-spreading waters, that seemed
to shut out all the cares and vanities of a wicked world.

In those days did tliis embryo city present the rare and
noble spectacle of a community governed without laws ; and
thus being left to its own course, and the fostering care of
Providence, increased as rapidly as though it had been
burthened with a dozen panniers full of those sage laws usually
heaped on the backs of young cities — in order to make them
grow. And in this particular I greatly admire the wisdom
and sound knowledge of human natui'e, displayed by the sage
Oloffe the Dreamer and his fellow legislators. For my part,
I have not so bad an opinion of mankind as many of my
brother philosophers. I do not think poor human nature so
sorry a piece of workmanship as they would make it out to
be ; and as far as I have observed, I am fully satisfied that
man, if left to himself, would about as readily go right as
wrong. It is only this eternally sounding in his ears that it
is his duty to go right, which makes him go the very reverse.
The noble independence of his nature revolts at this intole-
rable tyranny of law, and the perpetual interfei-ence of officious
morality, which are ever besetting his path with finger-posts
and directions to "keep to the right, as the law directs ;" and
like a spirited uj'chin, he turns directly contrary, and gallops
tiirougli mud and mire, over hedges and ditches, merely to
show that he is a lad of spirit, and out of his leading-strings.
And these opinions are amply substantiated by what I have
above said of our worthy ancestors ; who never being be-
preached and be-lectured, and guided and governed by
statutes and laws and by-laws, as are their more enlightened

p 3

70 HISTORT OF NEW-YOKK. [BOOK H.

descendants, did one and all demean themselves honestlj and
peaceably, out of pure ignorance, or, in other words — because
they knew no better.

Nor must I omit to record one of the earliest measures of
this infant settlement, inasmuch as it shows the piety of our
forefathers, and that, like good Christians, they were always
peady to serve God, after they had first served themselves.
Thus, having quietly settled themselves down, and provided
for their own comfort, they bethought themselves of testifying
their gratitude to the great and good St. Nicholas, for his
protecting care, in guiding them to this delectable abode.
To this end they built a fair and goodly chapel within the
fort, which they consecrated to his name ; whei'eupon he im-
mediately took the town of New-Amsterdam under his pecu-
liar patronage, and he has ever since been, and I devoutly
hope will ever be, the tutelar saint of this excellent city.

At this early period was instituted that pious ceremony,
still religiously observed in all our ancient families of the
right breed, of hanging up a stocking in the chimney on St.
Nicholas' eve ; which stocking is always found in the morning
miraculously filled ; for the good St. Nicholas has ever been
a great giver of gifts, particularly to children.

I am moreover told that there is a little legendary book,
somewhere extant, written in Low Dutch, which says, that
the image of this renowned saint, which whilom graced the
bowsprit of the Goede Vrouw, was elevated in front of this
chapel, in the centre of what, in modern days, is called the
Bowling Green — on the very spot, in fact, where he ap-
peared in vision to Oloife the Dreamer. And the legend
further treats of divers miracles wrought by the mighty pipe,
which the saint held in his mouth; a whiff of which was a
sovereign cure for an indigestion — an invaluable relic in
this colony of brave trenchermen. As, however, in spite
of the most diligent search, I cannot lay my hands upon this
little book, I must confess that I entertain considerable doubt
on the subject.

Thus benignly fostered by the good St. Nicholas, the infant
city thrived apace. Hordes of painted savages, it is true, still
lurked about the unsettled parts of the island. The hunter
still pitched his bowerof skins and bark beside the rills that ran
through the cool and shady glens, while here and there might
be seen, on some sunny knoll, a group of Indian wigwams.

CHAP. IX,] FIRST SETTLEMENT OF NIEUW NEDKULANDTS. 71

whose smoke arose above the neighbouring trees, and floated in
the transparent atmosphere. A mutual good-will, however,
existed between these wandering beings and the burghers
of New- Amsterdam. Our benevolent forefathers endeavoured
as much as possible to ameliorate their situation, by giving
them gin, rum, and glass beads, in exchange for their peltries ;
for it seems the kind-hearted Dutchmen had conceived a
great friendship for their savage neighbours, on account of
their being pleasant men to trade with, and little skilled in
the art of making a bargain.

Now and then a crew of these half human sons of the forest
would make their appearance in the streets of New-Amster-
dam, fantastically painted and decorated with beads and
flaunting feathers, sauntering about with an air of listless
indifference — sometimes in the market-place, instructing the
little Dutch boys in the use of the bow and arrow — at other
times, inflamed with liquor, swaggering and whooping and
yelling about the town like so many flends, to the great
dismay of all the good wives, who would hurry their children
into the house, fasten the doors, and throw water upon the
enemy from the garret windows. It is worthy of mention
here, that our forefathers were very particular in holding up
these wild men as excellent domestic examples — and for
reasons that may be gathered from the history of Master
Ogilby, who tells us, that " for the least offence the bridegroom
soundly beats his wife and turns her out of doors, and marries
anotlier, insomuch that some of them have every year a new
wife." Whether this awful example had any influence or
not, history does not mention ; but it is certain that our
grandmothers were miracles of fidelity and obedience.

True it is, that the good understanding between our
ancestors and their savage neighbours was liable to occasional
interruptions, and I have heard my grandmother, who was a
very wise old woman, and well versed in the history of these
parts, tell a long story of a winter's evening, about a battle
between the New-Amsterdammers and the Indians, wliich
was known by the name of the Peach. War, and which took
place near a peach orchard, in a dark glen, which for a long
while went by the name of Murderer's Valley.

The legend of tliis sylvan v.-ar was long current among the
nurses, old wives, and other ancient clironiclers of the place ;

F 4

72 IIISTOUY OF NEW-YORK. [bOOK II.

but time and improvement have almost obliterated both the
tradition and tlie scene of battle ; for what was once the
blood-stained valley is now in the centre of this populous
city, and known by the name of Dei/street.

I know not whether it was to this " Peach "War," and the
acquisitions of Indian land which may have grown out of it,
tliat we may ascribe £he first seeds of the spirit of " annexa-
tion " which now began to manifest themselves. Hitherto
the ambition of the worthy burghers had been confined to the
lovely island of Manna-hata; and Spiten Devil on the Hudson,
and Hell-gate on the Sound, were to them the pillars of Her-
cules, the lie plus ultra of human enterprise. Shortly after
the Peach War, however, a restless spirit was observed among
the New-Amsterdammers, who began to cast wistful looks
upon the wild lands of their Indian neighbours ; for somehow
or other wild Indian land always looks greener in the eyes
of settlers than the laud they occupy. It is hinted that Oloffe
the Dreamer encouraged these notions ; having, as has been
shown, the inherent spirit of a land speculator, which had been
wonderfully quickened and expanded since he had become a
landholder. Many of the common people, who had never
before owned a foot of land, now began to be discontented
with the town lots which had fallen to their shares ; others
who had snug farms and tobacco plantations, found they had
not sufficient elbow-room, and began to question the rights
of the Indians to the vast regions they pretended to hold, —
while the good Olofie indulged in magnificent dreams of
foreign conquest and great patroonships in the wilderness.

The result of these dreams were certain exploring expedi-
tions sent forth in various directions to " sow the seeds of
empire," as it w^as said. The earliest of these were conducted
by Hans Reinier Oothout, an old navigator famous for the
sharpness of his vision, who could see land when it was quite
out of sight to ordinary mortals, and who had a spy-glass
covered with a bit of tarpauling, with which he could spy up
the crookedest river, quite to its head waters. He was ac-
companied by Mynheer Ten Breeches, as land measurer, in
case of any dispute with the Indians.

What was tlie consequence of these exploring expeditions?
In a little while we find a frontier post or trading-house called
Fort Nassau, established far to the south on Delaware River;
another called Fort Gocd Hoep (or Good Hope), on the

BOOK in.] GOLDEN KEIGN OF WOUTEIl VAN TWILLER. 73

Varsche or Fresh, r Connecticut River ; and another called
Fort Aurania (now Albany) away up the Hudson River ;
while the boundaries of the province kept extending on every
side, nobody knew whither, far into the regions of Terra
Incognita.

Of the boundary feuds and troubles which the ambitious
little province brought upon itself by these indefinite expan-
sions of its territory, we shall treat at large in the after pages
of this eventful history ; sufficient for the present is it to say,
that the swelling importance of the New-Nederland awakened
the attention of the mother country, who, finding it likely to
yield much revenue and no trouble, began to take that interest
in its welfare which knowing people evince for rich relations.

But as tliis opens a new era in the fortunes of New-Amster-
dam, I will here put an end to this second book of my history,
and will treat of the maternal policy of the mother country
in my next.

BOOK III.

IN WHICn IS RECORDED THE GOLDEN KEIGN OF WOUTER
VAN TWILLER.

CHAPTER I.

Grievous and very much to be commiserated is the task of
the feeling historian, who writes the history of his native land.
If it fall to his lot to be tlie recorder of calamity or crime, the
mournful page is watered with his tears — nor can he recall
the most prosperous and blissful era, without a melancholy
sigh at the reflection, that it has passed away for ever ! 1
know not whether it be owing to an immoderate love for the
simplicity of former times, or to that certain tenderness of
heart incident to all sentimental historians ; but I candidly
confess that I cannot look back on the happier days of our
city, which I now describe, without great dejection of spirits.
"With faltering hand do I withdraw the curtain of oblivion,
that veils the modest merit of our venerable ancestors, and
as their figures rise to my mental vision, humble myself before
tlieir mighty shades.

74 HISTOET OF NEW-TORK. [BOOK HI.

Such ave my feelings when I revisit the family mansion of
the Knickerbockers, and spend a lonely hour in the chamber
where hang the portraits of my forefathers, shrouded in dust,
like the forms they represent. With pious reverence do I
gaze on the countenances of those renowned burghers, who
have preceded me in the steady march of existence — whose
sober and temperate blood now meanders through my veins,
flowing slower and slower in its feeble conduits, until its
current shall soon be stopped for ever !

These, I say to myself, are but frail memorials of the
mighty men who flourished in the days of the patriarchs ;
but Avho, alas ! have long since mouldered in that tomb, to-
wards which my steps are insensibly and irresistibly hasten-
ing. As I pace the darkened chamber and lose myself in
melancholy musings, the shadowy images around me almost
seem to steal once more into existence — their countenances
to assume the animation of life — their eyes to pursue me in
every movement ! Carried away by the delusions of fancy,
r almost imagine myself surrounded by the shades of the de-
parted, and holding sweet converse with the worthies of
antiquity! Ah, hapless Diedrich! born in a degenerate age,
abandoned to the buffetings of fortune — a stranger and a
weary pilgrim in thy native land — blest with no weeping
wife, nor family of helpless children ; but doomed to wander
neglected through those crowded streets, and elbowed by
foreign upstarts from those fair abodes where once thine an-
cestors held sovereign empire !

Let me not, however, lose the historian in the man, nor
suffer the doting recollections of age to overcome me, while
dwelling with fond garrulity on the virtuous days of the
patriarchs — on those sweet days of simplicity and ease, which
never more will dawn on the lovely island of Manna-hata.

These melancholy reflections have been forced from me by
the growing wealth and iraportanceof New-Amsterdam, which,
I plainly perceive, are to involve it in all kinds of perils and
disasters. Already, as I observed at the close of my last
book, they had awakened the attention of the mother country.
The usual mark of protection shown by mother countries to
wealthy colonies was fortlnvith manifested; a governor being
sent out to rule over the province, and squeeze out of it as
much revenue as possible. The arrival of a governor of course
put an end to the protectorate of Oloffe the Dreamer. He

CHAP. I.] GOLDEN REIGN OF WOUTEK VAN TWILLEK. 7'>

appears, however, to have dreamt to some purpose during
his sway, as we find him afterwards living as a patroon on a
great landed estate on the banks of the Hudson, having vir-
tually forfeited all right to his ancient appellation of Kortlandt,
or Lackland.

It was in the year of our Lord 1629 that Mynheer Wouter
Van Twiller was appointed governor of the province of
Nieuw Nederlandts, under the commission and control of their
High Mightinesses the Lords States General of the United
Netherlands and the privileged West India Company.

This renowned old gentleman arrived at New-Amsterdam
in the merry month of June, the sweetest month in all the
year; when Dan Apollo seems to dance up the transparent fir-
mament— when the robin, the thrush, and a thousand other
wanton songsters make the woods to resound with amorous
ditties, and the luxurious little bobhncon revels among the
clover blossoms of the meadows — all which happy coincidence
persuaded the old dames of New- Amsterdam, who were skilled
in the art of foretelling events, that this was to be a happy
and prospei'ous administration.

The renowned Wouter (or Walter) Van Twiller was de-
scended from a long line of Dutch burgomasters, who had suc-
cessively dozed away their lives, and grown fat upon the
bench of magistracy in Rotterdam; and who had comported
themselves with such singular wisdom and propriety, that they
were never either heard or talked of — which, next to being
universally applauded, should be the object of ambition of all
magistrates and rulers. There are two opposite Avays by
which some men make a figure in the world; one by talking
faster than they think, and the other by holding their tongues
and not thinking at all By the first many a smatterer acquires
the reputation of a man of quick parts; by the other many a
dunderpate, like the owl, the stupidest of birds, comes to be
considered the very type of wisdom. This, by the way, is a
casual remark, whicli I would not for the universe have it
thought I apply to Governor Van Twiller. It is true he was
a man shut up within himself, like an oyster, and rarely spoke
except in monosyllables ; but then it was allowed he seldom
said a foolish thing. So invincible was his gravity that he
was never known to laugh, or even to smile, through the whole
course of a long and prosperous life. Nay, if a joke were
uttered in his presence, that set light-minded hearers in a roar,

76 I HISTORY OF NEW- YORK. [BOOK 111,

it was observed to throw him into a stare of perplexity.
Sometimes lie would deign to inquire into the matter, and
when, after much explanation, the joke was made as plain as
a pike-staff, he would continue to smoke his pipe in silence,
and at length, knocking out the ashes, would exclaim, " Well !
I see nothing in all that to laugh about."

Witli all liis I'eflective habits, he never made up his mind
on a subject. His adherents accounted for this by the aston-
ishing magnitude of his ideas. He conceived every subject
on so grand a scale that he had not room in his head to turn
it over and examine both sides of it. Certain it is that if any
matter were propounded to him on which ordinary mortals
Avould rashly determine at first glance, he would put on a
vague, mysterious look, shake his capacious head, smoke some
time in profound silence, and at length observe that " he had
his doubts about the matter;" which gained him the reputa-
tion of a man slow of belief, and not easily imposed upon.
Vfhat is more, it gained him a lasting name, for to this habit
of the mind has been attributed his surname of Twiller, which
is said to be a corruption of the original Twijfler, or, in plain
English, Doubter.

The person of this illustrious old gentleman was formed
and proportioned, as though it had been moulded by the hands
of some cunning Dutch statuary, as a model of majesty and
lordly grandeur. He was exactly five feet six inches in
height, and six feet five inches in circumference. His head
was a perfect sphere, and of such stupendous dimensions, tliat
dame Nature, with all her sex's ingenuity, would have been
puzzled to construct a neck capable of supporting it ; where-
fore she wisely declined the attempt, and settled it firmly on
the top of his back-bone, just between the shoulders. His
body was oblong and particularly capacious at bottom, which
was wisely ordered by Providence, seeing that he was a man
of sedentary habits, and very averse to the idle labour of walking.
His legs Avere short, but sturdy in proportion to the weight
they had to sustain; so that, when erect, he had not a little the
appearance of a beer barrel on skids. His face, that infallible
index of the mind, presented a vast expanse, unfurrowed by
any of those lines and angles which disfigure the human coun-
tenance witli what is termed expression. Two small grey
eyes twinkled feebly in the midst, like two stars of lesser mag-
nitude in a hazy firmament; and his full-fed cheeks, which

CHAP. I.] GOLDEN' REIGN OF WOUTER VAN TWILLEK. 77

seemed to have tfiken toll of every thing that went into his
mouth, were curiously mottled and streaked with dusky red,
like a Spitzenberg apple.

His habits were as regular as his person. He daily took
his four stated meals, appropriating exactly an hour to each;
he smoked and doubted eight hours, and he slept the remaining
twelve of the four-and-twenty. Such was the renowned
Wouter Van Twiller — a true philosopher, for his mind was
either elevated above, or tranquilly settled below, the cares
and perplexities of this world. He had lived in it for years,
without feeling the least curiosity to know whether the suu
revolved round it, or it round the sun; and he had watched,
for at least half a century, the smoke curling from his pipe to
the ceiling, without once troubling his head with any of those
numerous theories, by which a philosoplier would have per-
plexed his brain, in accounting for its rising above the sur-
rounding atmosphere.

In his council he presided with great state and solemnity
He sat in a huge chair of solid oak, hewn in the celebrated
forest of the Hague, fabricated by an experienced tiramermau
of Amsterdam, and curiously carved about the arms and feet,
into exact imitations of gigantic eagle's claws. Instead of a
sceptre he swayed a long Turkish pipe, wrought with jasmin
and amber, Avhich liad been presented to a stadtholder of
Holland, at the conclusion of a treaty with one of the petty
Barbary Powers. In this stately chair would he sit, and this
xnagniiicent pipe would he smoke, shaking his right knee
with a constant motion, and fixing his eye for hours together
upon a little print of Amsterdam, which hung in a black
frauje against tiie opposite wall of the council cliamber. In ay,
it lias even been said, that when any deliberation of extra-
ordinary length and intricacy was on the carpet, the renowned
Wouter would shut his eyes for full two hours at a time, that
he might not be disturbed by external objects — and at such
times the internal commotion of his mind was evinced by
certain regular guttural sounds, which his admirers declared
were merely the noise of conflict, made by his contending
doubts and opinions.

Jt is with infinite difficulty I have been enabled to collect
these biographical anecdotes of the great man under consider-
ation. The facts respecting liim were so scattered and vague,
and divers of them so questionable in point of authenticity,

78 HISTORY OF NEW- YORK. [bOOK III.

that I have had to give up the search after many, and decline
the admission of still more, which would have tended to
heighten the colouring of his portrait.

I have heen the more anxious to delineate fully the person
and habits of Wouter Van Twiller, from the consideration
that he was not only the first, but also the best governor,
that ever presided over this ancient and respectable province ;
and so tranquil and benevolent was his reign, that I do not
iind throughout the whole of it, a single instance of any
offender being brought to punishment — a most indubitable
sign of a merciful governor, and a case unparalleled, ex-
cepting in the reign of the illustrious King Log, from whom,
it is hinted, the renowned Van Twiller was a lineal descendant.

The very outset of the career of this excellent magistrate
was distinguished by an example of legal acumen, that gave
flattering presage of a wise and equitable administration.
The morning after he had been installed in office, and at
the moment that he was making his breakfast from a pro-
digious earthen dish, filled with milk and Indian pudding, he
was interrupted by tlie appearance of Wandle Schoonhoven,
a very important old burgher of New-Amsterdam, who com-
plained bitterly of one Barent Bleecker, inasmuch as he re-
fused to come to a settlement of accounts, seeing that there
was a heavy balance in favour of the said Wandle. Governor
Van Twiller, as I have already observed, was a man of
few words ; he was likewise a mortal enemy to mutiply-
ing writings, or being disturbed at his breakfast. Having
listened attentively to the statement of Wandle Schoonhoven,
giving an occasional grunt, as he shovelled a spoonful of
Indian pudding into his mouth — either as a sign that he
relished the dish, or comprehended the story — he called unto
him his constable, and pulling out of his breeches pocket
a huge jack-knife, dispatched it after the defendant as a
summons, accompanied by his tobacco-box as a warrant.

This summary process was as effectual in those simple
days as was the seal ring of the great Haroun Alraschid
among the true believers. The two parties being confronted
before him, each produced a book of accounts, written in a
language and character that would have puzzled any but a
High Dutch commentator, or a learned decipherer of Egyptian
obelisks. The sage Wouter took them one after the other,
and having poised them in his hands, and attentively counted

CHAP. II.] GOLDEN REIGN OF WOUTER VAN TWILLER, 79

over the number of leaves, fell straightway into a very great
doubt, and smoked for half an hour without saying a word;
at length, laying his finger beside his nose, and shutting his
eyes for a moment, with the air of a man who has just caught
a subtle idea by the tail, he slowly took his pipe from his
mouth, puffed forth a column of tobacco smoke, and with
marvellous gravity and solemnity pronounced — that having
carefully counted over the leaves and weighed the books, it
was found, that one was just as thick and as heavy as the
other — therefore it was the final opinion of the court that
the accounts were equally balanced — therefore Wandle should
give Barent a receipt, and Barent should give Wandle a
receipt, — and the constable should pay the costs.

This decision being straightway made known, diffused
general joy throughout New- Amsterdam, for the people im-
mediately perceived, that they had a very wise and equitable
magistrate to rule over them. But its happiest effect was,
that not another lawsuit took place throughout the whole of
his administration — and the office of constable fell into such
decaj', that there was not one of those losel scouts known in
tlie province for many years. I am the more particular in
dwelling on this transaction, not only because I deem it one
of the most sage and righteous judgments on record, and well
worthy the attention of modern magistrates, but because it
was a miraculous event in the history of the renowned
Wouter, being the only time he was ever known to come
to a decision in the whole course of his life.

CHAP. II.

In ti-eating of the early governors of the province, I naust
caution my readers against confounding them, in point of
dignity and power, with those worthy gentlemen who are
whimsically denominated governors in this enlightened re-
public— a set of unhappy victims of popularity, who are in
fact the most dependent, hen-pecked beings in the community,
doomed to bear the secret goadings and corrections of their
own party, and the sneers and revilings of the whole world
beside — set up, like geese at Christmas holidays, to be
pelted and shot at by every whipster and vagabond in the
land. On the contrary, the Dutch governors enjoyed that

80 HiSTonr of netv'-i'ork. [book hi.

uncontrolled autliority, Aested in all commanders of distant
colonies or territories. They were in a manner absolute
despots in their little domains, lording it, if so disposed, over
both law and jrospel, and accountable to none but the mother
country; which, it is well known, is astonishingly deaf to all
complaints against its governors, provided they discharge the
main duty of their station — squeezing out a good revenue.
This hint will be of importance, to prevent my readers from
being seized with doubt and incredulity, whenever, in the
course of this authentic history, they encounter the un-
common circumstance of a governor acting with independence,
and in opposition to the opinions of the multitude.

To assist the doubtful Wouter in the arduous business of
legislation, a board of magistrates was appointed, which pre-
sided immediately over the police. This potent body con-
sisted of a sellout, or bailitf, with powers between those of tlie
present mayor and sheriff — five burgermeesters, who were
equivalent to aldermen, and five schepens, who officiated as
scrubs, sub-devils, or bottle-holders to the burgermeesters,
in the same manner as do assistant aldermen to their princi-
pals at the present day ; it being their duty to fill the pipes
of the lordly burgermeesters, hunt the markets for delicacies
for corporation dinners, and to discharge such other little
offices of kindness as were occasionally required. It was,
moreover, tacitly understood, though not specifically enjoined,
tliat they should consider themselves as butts for the blunt
wits of the burgermeesters, and should laugh most heartilj'-
at all their jokes ; but this last was a duty as rarely called
in action in those days as it is at present, and was shortly
remitted, in consequence of the tragical death of a fat little
schepen, who actually died of suffocation in an unsuccessful
effort to force a laugh at one of burgermeester Van Zandt's
best jokes.

In return for these hum1)le services, they were permitted
to say yes and no at the council-board, and to have that
enviable piivilege, the run of the public kitchen — being
graciously permitted to eat, and drink, and smoke, at ail
those snug junketings and public gormandisings, for which
the ancient magistrates were equally famous with their
modern successors. The post of schepen, therefore, like that
of assistant alderman, was eagerly coveted by all your
burghers of a certain description, who have a Jhuge relish

CHAP. I!.] GOLDEN REIGN OF WOUTER VAN TWILLER. 81

for good feeding, and an humble ambition to be great men
in a small Avay — who thirst after a little brief authority,
that shall render them the terror of the almshouse and the
bridewell — that shall enable them to lord it over obsequious
poverty, vagrant vice, outcast prostitution, and hunger-driven
dishonesty — that shall give to their beck a hound-like pack
of catchpolls and bumbailiflfs — tenfold greater rogues than
the culprits they hunt down ! My readers will excuse this
sudden warmth, which I confess is unbecoming of a grave
historian ; but I have a mortal antipathy to catchpolls,
bumbailiffs, and little great men.

The ancient magistrates of this city corresponded with
those of the present time no less in form, magnitude, and
intellect, than in prerogative and privilege. The burgo-
masters, like our aldermen, were generally chosen by weight
— and not only the weight of the body, but likewise the
weight of the head. It is a maxim practically observed in
all honest, plain-thinking, regular cities, that an alderman
should be fat — and the wisdom of this can be proved to a
certainty. That the body is in some measure an image of
the mind, or rather that the mind is moulded to the body,
like melted lead to the clay in which it is cast, has been
insisted on by many philosophers, who have made human
nature their peculiar study — for, as a learned gentleman of our
own city observes, " there is a constant relation between the
moral character of all intelligent creatures, and their physical
constitution — between their habits and the structure of their
bodies." Thus we see that a lean, spare, diminutive body is
generally accompanied by a petulant, restless, meddling
mind ; either the mind wears down the body, by its con-
tinual motion ; or else the body, not affording the mind
sufficient house-room, keeps it continually in a state of fret-
fulness, tossing and worrying about from the uneasiness of
its situation. Whereas your round, sleek, fat, unwieldy
periphery is ever attended by a mind like itself, tranquil, torpid,
and at ease ; and we may always observe, that your well-fed,
robustious burghers are in general very tenacious of their
ease and comfort ; being great enemies to noise, discord, and
disturbance — and surely none are more likely to study the
public tranquillity than those who are so carefid of their own.
Who ever hears of fat men heading a riot, or herding together
in turbulent mobs ? No — no — it is your lean, hungry men

G

82 HISTORY OF NEW-TOBK. [bOOK HI.

who are continually worrying society, and setting the whole
community by the ears.

The divine Plato, whose doctrines are not sufiSciently
attended to by philosophers of the present age, allows to every
man three souls — one immortal and rational, seated in the
brain, that it may overlook and regulate the body ; a second,
consisting of the surly and irascible passions which, like
belligerent powers, lie encamped around the heart ; a third,
mortal and sensual, destitute of reason, gross and brutal in
its propensities, and enchained in the belly, that it may not
disturb the divine soul by its ravenous bowlings. Now,
according to this excellent theory, what can be more clear,
than that your fat alderman is most likely to have the most
regular and well-conditioned mind. His head is like a huge
spherical chamber, containing a prodigious mass of soft brains,
whereon the rational soul lies softly and snugly couched, as
on a feather-bed ; and the eyes which are the windows of
the bed-chamber, are usually half-closed, that its slumberings
may not be disturbed by external objects. A mind thus
comfortably lodged, and protected from disturbance, is mani-
festly most likely to perform its functions with regularity and
ease. By dint of good feeding, moreover, the mortal and
malignant soul, which is confined in the belly, and which, by
its raging and roaring, puts the irritable soul in the neigh-
bourhood of the heart in an intolerable passion, and thus
renders men crusty and quarrelsome when hungry, is com-
pletely pacified, silenced, and put to rest; whereupon a host
of honest, good-fellow qualities and kind-hearted affections,
which had lain perdue, slyly peeping out of the loopholes of
the heart, finding this Cerberus asleep, do pluck up their spirits,
turn out one and all in their holiday suits, and gambol up
and down the diaphragm — disposing their possessor to
laughter, good humour, and a thousand friendly offices
towards his fellow mortals.

As a board of magistrates, formed on this principle, think
but very little, they are the less likely to differ and wrangle
about lavourite opinions ; and, as they generally transact
business upon a hearty dinner, they are naturally disposed to
be lenient and indulgent in the administration of their duties.
Charlemagne was conscious of this, and therefore ordered
in his cartularies, tliat no judge should hold a court of justice
except in the morning, on an empty stomach. — A pitiful rule.

CHAP. U.] GOLDEN REIGN OF "VVOUTER VAN TWILLER. 83

which I can never forgive, and which I warrant bore hard
upon all the poor culprits in the kingdom. The more en-
lightened and humane generation of the present day have
taken an opposite course, and have so managed, that the
aldermen are the best fed men in the community ; feasting
lustily on the fat things of the land, and gorging so heartily
on oysters and turtles, that in process of time they acquire
the activity of the one, and the form, the waddle, and the
green fat of the other. The consequence is, as I have just
said, these luxurious feastings do produce such a dulcet equa-
nimity and repose of the soul, rational and irrational, that
their transactions are proverbial for unvarying monotony ;
and the profound laws which they enact in their dozing
moments, amid the labours of digestion, are quietly suffered
to remain as dead letters, and never enforced, when awake.
In a word, your fair, round-bellied burgomaster, like a full-
fed mastilF, dozes quietly at the house-door, always at home,
and always at hand to watch over its safety ; but as to elect-
ing a lean, meddling candidate to the office, as has now and
then been done, I would as lief put a greyhound to watch
the house, or a racehorse to draw an ox-waggon.

The burgomasters then, as I have already mentioned, were
wisely chosen by weight, and the schepens, or assistant alder-
men, were appointed to attend upon them, and help them
eat ; but the latter, in the course of time, when they had been
fed and fiittened into sufficient bulk of body and drowsiness
of brain, became very eligible candidates for the burgomasters'
chairs, having fairly eaten themselves into office, as a mouse
eats his way into a comfortable lodgment in a goodly, blue-
nosed, skimmed milk, New-England cheese.

Nothing could equal the profound deliberations that took
place between the renowned Wouter and these his worthy
compeers, unless it be the sage divans of some of our modern
corporations. They would sit for hours smoking and dozing
over public affiiirs, without speaking a word to interrupt that
perfect stillness, so necessary to deep reflection. Under the
sober sway of Wouter Van Twiller and these his worthy
coadjutors, the infant settlement waxed vigorous apace, gra-
dually emerging from the swamps and forests, and exhibiting
that mingled appearance of town and country customary in
new cities, and which at this day may be witnessed in the

84 HISTOHY OF NKW-YORK. [bOOK III.

city of Washington ; that immense metropolis, which makes
so glorious an appearance on paper.

It was a pleasing sight in those times to behold the honest
burgher, like a patriarch of yore, seated on the bench at the
door of his whitewashed house, under the shade of some
gigantic sycamore or overhanging willow. Here would he
smoke Iiis pipe of a sultry afternoon, enjoying the soft southern
breeze, and listening with silent gratulation to the clucking
of his hens, the cackling of his geese, and the sonorous grunting
of his swine ; that combination of farmyard melody, which
may truly be said to have a silver sound, inasmuch as it con-
veys a certain assurance of profitable marketing.

The modern spectator, who wanders through the streets of
this populous city, can scarcely form an idea of the different
appearance they presented in the primitive days of the
Doubter. The busy hum of multitudes, the shouts of revelry,
the rumbling equipages of fashion, the rattling of accursed
carts, and all the spirit-grieving sounds of brawling commerce,
were unknown in the settlement of New- Amsterdam. The
grass grew quietly in the highways — the bleating sheep and
frolicksome calves sported about the verdant ridge, where
now the Broadway loungers take their morning stroll — the
cunning fox or ravenous wolf skulked in the woods, where
now are to be seen the dens of Gomez and his righteous fra-
ternity of money-brokers — and flocks of vociferous geese
cackled about the fields, where now the great Tammany wig-
wam and the patriotic tavern of Martling echo with the wrang-
lings of the mob.

In these good times did a true and enviable equality of rank
and property prevail, equally removed from the arrogance of
wealth, and the servility and heart-burnings of repining
poverty — and, what in my mind is still more conducive to
tranquillity and harmony among friends, a happy equality of
intellect was likewise to be seen. The minds of the good
burghers of New- Amsterdam seemed all to have been cast
in one mould, and to be those honest, blunt minds, which,
like certain manufactures, are made by the gross, and con-
sidered as exceedingly good for common use.

Thus it happens that your true dull minds are generally
preferred for public employ, and especially promoted to city
honours ; your keen intellects, like razors, being considei'ed
too sharp for common service. I know that it is common to

CHAP. II.] GOLDEN REIGN OF WOUTEK VAN TWILLEK. 83

rail at the unequal distribution of riches, as the great source
of jealousies, broils, and heart-breakings ; whereas, for my
part, I verily believe it is the sad inequality of intellect that
prevails, that embroils communities more than any thing else;
and I have remarked that your knowing people, who are so
much wiser than any body else, are eternally keejjing society
in a ferment. Happily for New- Amsterdam, nothing of the
kind was known within its walls — the very words of learning,
education, taste, and talents were unheard of — a bright genius
was an animal unknown, and a blue stocking lady would have
been regarded with as much wonder as a horned frog or a
fiery dragon. No man in fact seemed to know more than his
neighbour, nor any man to know more than an honest man
ought to know, who has nobody's business to mind but his
own ; the parson and the council clerk were the only men
that could read in the community, and the sage Van Twiller
always signed his name with a cross.

Thrice happy and ever to be envied little burgh ! existing
in all the security of harmless insignificance — unnoticed and
uncnvied by the world, without ambition, without vain-glory,
without riches, without learning, and all their train of carking
cares ; and as of yore, in the better days of man, the deities
were wont to visit him on earth and bless his rural habitations,
so we are told, in the sylvan days of New- Amsterdam, the
good St. Nicholas would often make his appearance in his
beloved city, of a holiday afternoon, riding joUily among the
tree-tops, or over the roofs of the houses, now and then draw-
ing forth magnificent presents from his breeches pockets, and
dropping them down the chimneys of his favourites. Where-
as in these degenerate days of iron and brass he never shows
us the ligiit of his countenance, nor ever visits us^, save one
night in the year ; when he rattles down the chimneys of the
descendants of the patriarchs, confining his presents merely
to the children, in token of the degeneracy of the parents.

Such are the comfortable and thriving effects of a fat
government. The province of the New-Netherlands, destitute
of wealth, possessed a sweet tranquillity that wealth could
never purchase. There were neither public commotions, nor
private quarrels; neither parties, nor sects, nor schisms; nei-
ther persecutions, nor trials, nor punishments; nor were there
counsellors, attorneys, catchpolls, or hangmen. Every maa
attended to what little business he was lucky enough to have.

86 HISTORY OF NEW- YORK. [bOOK in.

or neglected it if* he pleased, without asking the opinion of
his neighbour. In those days nobody meddled with concerns
above his comprehension, nor thrust his nose into other
people's affairs, nor neglected to correct his own conduct,
and reform his own character, in his zeal to pull to pieces the
characters of others ; but in a word, every respectable citizen
eat when he was not hungry, drank when he was not thirsty,
and went regularly to bed when the sun set and the fowls
went to roost, whether he were sleepy or not ; all which
tended so remarkably to the population of the settlement, that I
am told every dutiful wife throughout New- Amsterdam made
a point of enriching her husband with at least one child a
year, and very often a brace — this superabundance of good
things clearly constituting the true luxury of life, according
to the favourite Dutch maxim, that " more than enough con-
stitutes a feast." Every thing, therefore, went on exactly as
it should do, and in the usual words employed by historians
to express the welfare of a country, "the profoundest tran-
quillity and repose reigned throughout the province."

CHAP. III.

Manifold are the tastes and dispositions of the enlightened
literati, who turn over the pages of history. Some there be
whose hearts are brimful of the yeast of courage, and whose
bosoms do work, and swell, and foam with untried valour, like
a barrel of new cider, or a train-baud captain fresh from under
the hands of his tailor. This doughty class of readers can be
satisfied with nothing but bloody battles, and horrible encoun-
ters ; they must be continually storming forts, sacking cities,
springing mines, marching up to the muzzles of cannon, charg-
ing bayonet through every page, and revelling in gunpowder
and carnage. Others, who are of a less martial, but equally
ardent imagination, and who, withal, are a little given to the
marvellous, will dwell with wondrous satisfaction on descrip-
tions of prodigies, unheard-of events, hair-breadth escapes,
hardy adventures, and all those astonishing narrations which
just amble along the boundary line of possibility. A third
class, who, not to speak slightly of them, are of a lighter turn,
and skim over the records of past times, as they do over the
edifying pages of a novel, merely for relaxation and innocent

CHAP. III.J GOLDEN REIGN OF WOUTEK VAN TWILLER. 87

amusement, do singularly delight in treasons, executions,
Sabine rapes, Tarquin outrages, conflngrations, murders, and
all the other catalogue of hideous crimes, which, like cayenne
in cookery, do give a pungency and flavour to the dull detail
of history; while a fourth class, of more philosophic habits,
do diligently pore over the musty chronicles of time, to inves-
tigate the operations of the human kind, and watch the gradual
changes in men and manners, effected by the progress of know-
ledge, the vicissitudes of events, or the influence of situation.

If the three first classes find but little wherewithal to solace
themselves in the tranquil reign of Wouter Van Twiller, I
entreat them to exert their patience for a while, and bear with
the tedious picture of happiness, prosperity, and peace, which
my duty as a faithful historian obliges me to draw ; and I
2:)romise them that as soon as I can possibly alight upon any
thing horrible, uncommon, or impossible, it shall go hard but
I will make it afford them entertainment. This being pre-
mised, I turn with great complacency to the fourth class of
my readers, who are men, or, if possible, women after my own
heart ; grave, philosophical, and investigating ; fond of ana-
lysing characters, of taking a start from first causes, and so
hunting a nation down, through all the mazes of innovation
and improvement. Such will naturally be anxious to witness
the first development of the newly hatched colony, and the
primitive manners and customs prevalent among its inhabit-
ants, during the halcyon reign of Van Twiller, or the Doubter.

I will not grieve their patience, however, by describing
minutely the increase and improvement of New- Amsterdam.
Their own imaginations will doubtless present to them the
good burghers, like so many painstaking and persevering
beavers, slowly and surely pursuing their labours — they will
behold the prosperous transformation from the rude log hut
to the stately Dutch mansion, with brick front, glazed win-
dows, and tiled roof ; from the tangled thicket to the luxuriant
cabbage garden ; and from the skulking Indian to the ponder-
ous burgomaster. In a word, they will picture to themselves
the steady, silent, and undeviating march of prosperity, inci-
dent to a city destitute of pride or ambition, cherished by a
fat government, and whose citizens do nothing in a hurry.

The sage council, as has been mentioned in a preceding
chapter, not being able to determine u])on any plan for the
building of their city, the cows, in a laudable fit of patriotism.

88 IIISTORV OK NEW- YORK. [bOOK III

took it uncle" tlieir peculiar cliarge, and as the}'' went to and
from pasture, established patlis through tlie bushes, on each
side of which the good folks built their houses ; which is one
cause of the rambling and picturesque turns and lab3'rinths,
which distinguish certain streets of New-York at thisverydaj.

The houses of the higher class were generally constructed
of wood, excepting the gable end,Avhich was of small black and
yellow Dutch bricks, and always faced on the street, as our
ancestors, like tlieir descendants, were very much given to out-
ward show, and were noted for putting the best leg foremost.
The house was always furnished with abundance of large doors
and small windows on every floor, the date of its erection was
curiously designated by iron figures on the front, and on the
top of the roof was perched a fierce little weathercock, to let
the family into the important secret Avliich way the wind blew\
These, like the weathercocks on the tops of our steeples, pointed
so many different ways, that every man could have a wind to
his mind ; — the most stanch and loyal citizens, however,
always went according to the weathercock on the top of the
governor's house, which was certainly the most correct, as he
had a trusty servant employed every morning to climb up and
set it to the right quarter.

In those good days of simplicity and sunshine, a passion for
cleanliness was the leading principle in domestic economy,
and the universal test of an able housewife — a character
which formed the utmost ambition of our unenlightened
grandmothers. The front door was never opened except on
marriages, funerals, new year's days, the festival of St. Nicho-
las, or some such great occasion. It was ornamented with a
gorgeous brass knocker, curiously wrought, sometimes in tlie
device of a dog, and sometimes of a lion's head, and was daily
burnished with such religious zeal, that it was ofttimes worn
out by the very precautions taken for its preservation. The
whole house was constantly in a state of inundation, under
the discipline of mops and brooms and scrubbing brushes ;
and the good housewives of those days were a kind of amphi-
bious animal, delighting exceedingly to be dabbling in water
— insomuch that an historian of the day gravely tells us, that
many of his townswomea grew to have webbed fingers like
unto a duck ; and some of them, he had little doubt, could the
matter be examined into, would be found to have the tails of
mermaids ; but this I look upon to be a mere sport of fancy,
or, what is worse, a wilful misrepresentation.

CHAP, in.] GOLDEN REIGN OF AVOUTEK VAN T WILLER. 89

The grand parlour was the sanctum sanctorum, where the
passion for cleaning was indulged without controul. In this
sacred apartment no one was permitted to enter, excepting
the mistress and her confidential maid, who visited it once
a-week, for the purpose of giving it a thorough cleaning, and
putting things to rights ; always taking the precaution of
leaving their shoes at the door, and entering devoutly on tlieir
stocking feet. After scrubbing tlie floor, sprinkling it with
fine white sand, which was curiously stroked into angles, and
curves, and rhomboids with a broom ; after washing the
windows, rubbing and polishing the furniture, and putting a
new bunch of evergreens in the fireplace — the window shut-
ters were again closed to keep out the flies, and the room
carefully locked up until the revolution of time brought round
the weekly cleaning day.

As to the family, they always entered in at the gate, and
most generally lived in the kitchen. To have seen a nume-
rous household assembled round the fire, one would have
imagined that he was transported back to those happy days
of primeval simplicity, which float before our imaginations
like golden visions. The fireplaces were of a truly patriarclial
magnitude, where the whole family, old and young, master
and servant, black and white, nay, even the very cat and dog,
enjoyed a community of privilege, and had each a right to a
corner. Here the old burgher would sit in perfect silence,
puffing his pipe, looking in the fire with half shut eyes, and
thinking of nothing for hours together ; the goede vrouw, on
the opposite side, would employ herself diligently in spinning
yarn, or knitting stockings. The young folks would crowd
around the hearth, listening with breatldess attention to some
old crone of a negro, who was the oracle of the family, and
who, ])erched like a raven in a corner of the chimney, would
croak forth for a long winter afternoon a string of incredible
,-tories about New England witches, grisly ghosts, horses
without heads, and hair-bi'eadth escapes and bloody encoun-
ters among the Indians.

In tliose happy days a well regulated family always rose
witli the dawn, dined at eleven, and went to bed at sunset.
Dinner was invariably a private meal, and the fat old burghers
showed incontestable signs of disapprobation and uneasiness
at Ijeing surprised by a visit from a neighbour on such occa-
sions. But though our worthy ancestors were thus singularly

90 HISTORY OF NEW- YORK. [bOOK in.

averse to giving dinners, yet they kept up the social bands
of intimacy by occasional banquettings, called tea-parties.

These fashionable parties were generally confined to the
higher classes, or noblesse ; that is to say, such as kept their
own cows, and drove their own waggons. The company com-
monly assembled at three o'clock, and went away about six,
unless it was in winter time, when the fashionable hours were
a little earlier, that the ladies might get home before dark.
The tea-table was crowned with a huge earthen dish, well
stored with slices of fat pork, fried brown, cut up into morsels,
and swimming in gravy. The company being seated round
the genial board, and each furnished with a fork, evinced their
dexterity in launching at the fattest pieces in this mighty dish

— in much the same manner as sailors harpoon porpoises at
sea, or our Indians spear salmon in the lakes. Sometimes the
table was graced with immense apple-pies, or saucers full of
preserved peaches and pears ; but it was always sure to boast
an enormous dish of balls of sweetened dough, fried in hog's
fat, and called doughnuts, or olykoeks — a delicious kind of
cake, at present scarce known in this city, except in genuine
Dutch families.

The tea was served out of a majestic delf teapot, orna-
mented with paintings of fat little Dutch shepherds and shep-
herdesses, tending pigs, with boats sailing in the air, and
houses built in the clouds, and sundry other ingenious Dutch
fantasies. The beaux distinguished themselves by their
adroitness in replenishing this pot from a huge copper tea-
kettle, which would have made the pigmy macaronies of these
degenerate days sweat merely to look at it. To sweeten the
beverage, a lump of sugar was laid beside each cup, and
the company alternately nibbled and sipped with great de-
corum ; until an improvement was introduced by a shrewd
and economic old lady, which w^as to suspend a large lump
directly over the tea-table by a string from the ceiling, so that
it could be swung from mouth to mouth — an ingenious ex-
pedient, which is still kept up by some families in Albany, but
which prevails without exception in Communipaw, Bergen,
riatbush, and all our uncontaminated Dutch villages.

At these primitive tea-parties the utmost propriety and
dignity of deportment prevailed. No flirting nor coquetting

— no gambling of old ladies, nor hoyden chattering and romp-
ing of young ones — no self-satisfied struttings of wealthy

CHAP. rV.J GOLDEN KEIGN OF WOUTER VAN TWILLER. 91

gentlemen, with their brains in tlieir pockets — nor amusing
conceits, and monkey divertissements of smart young gentle-
men, with no brains at all. On the contrary, the young ladies
seated themselves demurely in their rush-bottomed chairs, and
knit their own woollen stockings ; nor ever opened their lips
excepting to say yah Mynheer, or yah ya Vrouw, to any
question that was asked them ; behaving, in all things, like
decent, well-educated damsels. As to the gentlemen, each of
them tranquilly smoked his pipe, and seemed lost in contem-
plation of the blue and white tiles with which the fireplaces
were decorated ; wherein sundry passages of Scripture were
piously portrayed — Tobit and his dog figured to great ad-
vantage, Hamau swung conspicuously on his gibbet, and
Jonah appeared most manfully bouncing out of the whale,
like Harlequin through a barrel of fire.

The parties broke up without noise and without confusion.
They were carried home by their own carriages, that is to
say, by the veiiicles nature had provided them, excepting such
of the wealthy as could afford to keep a waggon. The gen-
tlemen gallantly attended their fair ones to their respective
abodes, and took leave of them with a hearty smack at the
door ; which, as it was an established piece of etiquette, done
in perfect simplicity and honesty of heart, occasioned no
scandal at that time, nor should it at the present. If our
great-grandfathers appi'oved of the custom, it would argue a
great want of reverence in their descendants to say a word
against it.

CHAP. IV.

In this dulcet period of my history, when the beauteous island
of Manna-hata presented a scene, the very counterpart of those
glowing pictures drawn of the golden reign of Saturn, there
was, as I have before observed, a happy ignorance, an honest
simplicity prevalent among its inhabitants, which, were I even
able to depict, would be but little understood by the degenerate
age for which I am doomed to write. Even the female sex,
those arch innovators upon the tranquillity, the honesty, and
grey-beard customs of society, seemed for a while to conduct
themselves with incredible sobriety and comeliness.

Their hair, untortured by the abominations of art, was
scrupulously pomatomed back from their foreheads with a

92 HISTORY OF XEW-YOKK. [bOOK III.

candle, and covered with a little cap of quilted calico, which
fitted exactly to their heads. Tiieir petticoats of linsey-wool-
sey were striped with a variety of gorgeous dyes — though I
must confess these gallant garments were rather short, scarce
reaching below the knee ; but then they made up in the
number, which generally equalled that of the gentleman's small
clothes ; and, what is still more praiseworthy, they were all of
their own manufacture — of wliieh circumstance, as may well
be supposed, they were not a little vain.

These were the honest days, in Avhich every woman staid
at home, read the Bible, and wore pockets — ay, and that too
of a goodly size, fashioned with patchwork into many curious
devices, and ostentatiously worn on the outside. These, in
fact, were convenient receptacles, where all good housewives
carefully stored away such things as they wished to have at
hand, by which means they often came to be incredibly
crammed ; and I remember thei'e was a story current, when
I was a boy, that the lady of Wouter Van Twiller once had
occasion to empty her right pocket in search of a wooden
ladle, when the contents filled a couple of corn baskets, and
the utensil was discovered lying among some rubbish in one
corner ; but we must not give too much faith to all these
stories, the anecdotes of those remote jieriods being very
subject to exaggeration.

Besides these notable pockets, they likewise wore scissors
and pincushions suspended from their girdles by red ribands,
or among the more opulent and showy classes, by brass, and
even silver chains, indubitable tokens of thrifty housewives
and industrious spinsters. I cannot say much in vindication
of the shortness of the petticoats ; it doubtless was introduced
for the purpose of giving the stockings a chance to be seen,
which were generally of blue worsted with magnificent red
clocks ; or perhaps to display a well-turned ankle, and a
neat, though serviceable foot, set off by a high-heeled leathern
shoe, wuth a large and splendid silver buckle. Thus we find
that the gentle sex in all ages have shown the same disposition
to infringe a little uj^on the law^s of decorum, in order to betray
a lurking beauty, or gratify an innocent love of finery.

From the sketch here given, it will be seen that our good
grandmothers differed considerably in their ideas of a fine
figure from their scantily dressed descendants of the present
day. A fine lady, in those times, waddled under more clothes,

CHAP. IV.] GOLDEN KEIGN OF WOUTER VAN TAVILLER. 93

even on a fair summer's day, llian would have clad the whole
bevy of a modern ball-room. Nor were they the less admired
by the gentlemen in consequence thei'eof. On the contrary,
the greatness of a lover's passion seemed to increase in pro-
portion to the magnitude of its object ; and a voluminous
damsel, arrayed in a dozen of petticoats, was declared by a
Low Dutch sonneteer of the province to be radiant as a sun-
flower, and luxuriant as a full-blown cabbage. Certain it is,
that in those days the heart of a lover could not contain more
than one lady at a time, whereas the heart of a modern gallant
has often room enough to accommodate half a dozen. The
reason of which I conclude to be, that either the hearts of the
gentlemen have grown larger, or the persons of the ladies
smaller ; this, however, is a question for physiologists to
determine.

But there was a secret charm in these petticoats, which, no
doubt entered into the consideration of the prudent gallants.
The wardrobe of a lady was in those days her only fortune ;
and she who had a good stock of petticoats and stockings, was
as absolutely an heiress as is a Kamschatka damsel with a
store of bear-skins, or a Lapland belle with a plenty of rein-
deer. The ladies, therefore, were very anxious to display
these powerful attractions to the greatest advantage ; and the
best rooms in the house, instead of being adorned with cari-
catures of dame Nature, in water-colours and needle-work,
were always hung round with abundance of homespun gar-
ments, the manufacture and the property of the females ; a
piece of laudable ostentation that still prevails among the
heiresses of our Dutch villages.

The gentlemen, in fiict, who figured in the circles of the
gay world in these ancient times, corresponded, in most par-
ticulars, with the beauteous damsels whose smiles they were
ambitious to deserve. True it is, their merits would make
but a very inconsiderable impression upon the heart of a
modern fair ; they neither drove their curricles nor sported
their tandems, for as yet those gaudy vehicles were not even
dreamt of; neither did they distinguish themselves by their
brilliancy at the table, and their consequent rencontres with
watchmen, for our forefathers were of too pacific a disposition
to need those guardians of the night, every soul throughout
the town being sound asleep before nine o'clock. Neither did
they establish their claims to gentility at the expense of their

94 HISTORY OF NEW- YORK. [BOOK HI.

tailors, for as yet those offenders against the pockets of so-
ciety, and the tranquillity of all aspiring young gentlemen,
were unknown in New-Amsterdam ; every good housewife
made the clothes of her husband and family, and even the
goede vrouw of Van Twiller himself thought it no dispa-
ragement to cut out her husband's linsey-woolsey galligaskins.

Not but what there were some two or three youngsters who
manifested the fii'St dawning of what is called fire and spirit,
who held all labour in contempt, skulked about docks and
market-places, loitered in the sunshine, squandered what little
money they could procure at hustle-cap and chuck-farthing ;
swore, boxed, fought cocks, and raced their neighbour's
horses ; in short, who promised to be the wonder, the talk,
and abomination of the town, had not their stylish career been
unfortunately cut short by an affair of honour with a whip-
ping-post.

Far other, however, was the truly fashionable gentleman of
those days ; his dress, which served for both morning and
evening, street and drawing-room, was a linsey-woolsey coat,
made, perhaps, by the fair hands of the mistress of his
affections, and gallantly bedecked with abundance of large
brass buttons — half a score of breeches heightened the pro-
portions of liis figure — his shoes were decorated by enormous
copper buckles — alow-crowned, broad-brimmed hat over-
shadowed his burly visage, and his hair dangled down bis
back in a prodigious queue of eelskin.

Thus equipped, he would manfully sally forth with pipe in
mouth to besiege some fair damsel's obdurate heart — not such
a pipe, good reader, as that which Acis did sweetly tune iii
praise of his Galatea, but one of true delf manufacture, and
furnished with a charge of fragrant tobacco. With this would
he resolutely set himself down before the fortress, and rarely
failed, in the process of time, to smoke the fair enemy into a
surrender upon honoui-able terms.

Such was the happy reign of Wouter Van Twiller, cele-
brated in many a long forgotten song as the real golden age,
the rest being nothing but counterfeit copper-washed coin.
In that delightful period, a sweet and holy calm reigned over
the whole province. The burgomaster smoked his pipe in
peace ; the substantial solace of his domestic cares, after her
daily toils wei'e done, sat soberly at the door, with her arms
crossed over her apron of snowy white, without bein^ insulted

CHAP, v.] GOLDEN KEIGN OF WOUTER VAN TWILLEE. 95

by ribald street-walkers or vagabond boys — those unlucky
urchins, who do so infest our streets, displaying under the
roses of youth the thorns and briars of iniquity. Then it was
that the lover with ten breeches, and the damsel with petti-
coats of half a score, indulged in all the innocent endearments
of virtuous love without fear and Avithout reproach ; for what
had that virtue to fear, which was defended by a shield of
good linsey-woolseys, equal at least to the seven bull-hides of
the invincible Ajax?

Ah ! blissful, and never to be forgotten age ! when every
thing was better than it has ever been since, or ever will be
again — when Buttermilk Channel was quite dry at low water
— when the shad in the Hudson were all salmon, and when
the moon shone with a pure and resplendent whiteness, instead
of that melancholy yellow light which is the consequence of
her sickening at the abominations she every night witnesses
in this degenerate city !

Happy would it have been for New-Amsterdam could it
always have existed in this state of blissful ignorance and lowly
simplicity ; but, alas ! the days of childhood are too sweet to
last. Cities, like men, grow out of them in time, and are
doomed alike to grow into the bustle, the cares, and miseries
of the world. Let no man congratulate himself, when he
beholds the child of his bosom, or the city of his birth, in-
creasing in magnitude and importance; let the history of his
own life teach him the dangers of the one, and this excellent
little history of Manna-hata convince him of the calamities of
the other.

CHAP. V.

It has already been mentioned that, in the early times of
Oloffe the Dreamer, a frontier post, or trading-house, called
Fort Aurania, had been established on the upper waters of
the Hudson, precisely on the site of the present venerable city
of Albany, which was at that time considered at the very end
of the habitable world. It was, indeed, a remote possession,
with which, for a long time. New- Amsterdam held but little
intercourse. Now and then the " Company's Yacht," as it was
called, was sent to the Fort witli supplies, and to bring away
the peltries which had been purchased of the Indian>". It was
like an expedition to the Indias, or the North Pole, and always

96 HISTORY OF NEW- YORK. [bOOK IU.

made great talk in the settlement. Sometimes an adventurous
burgher would accompany the expedition, to the great un-
easiness of his friends ; but, on his return, had so many stories
to tell of storms and tempests on the Tappan Zee ; of hob-
goblins in the Highlands and at the Devil's Dans Kammer ;
and of all the other wonders and perils with which the river
abounded in those early days, that he deterred the less adven-
turous inhabitants from following his example.

Matters were in this state, when, one day, as "Walter the
Doubter and his burgermeesters were smoking and pondering
over the affairs of the province, they were roused by the report
of a cannon. Sallying forth, they beheld a strange vessel at
anchor in the bay; it was unquestionably of Dutch build,
broad bottomed and high pooped, and bore the flag of their
High Mightinesses at the mast-head.

After a while a l)oat put off for land, and a stranger stepped
on shore, a lofty, lordly kind of man, tall and dry, with a
meagre face, furnished with huge moustachios. He was clad
in Flemish doublet and hose, and an insufferably tall hat, with
a cocktail feather. Such was the patroon Killian Van Ren-
sellaer, who had come out from Holland to found a colony or
patroonship on a great tract of wild land, granted to him by
their High ^Mightinesses the Lords States General, in the
upper regions of the Hudson.

Killian Van Rensellaer was a nine days' wonder in Xew-
Amsterdam, for he carried a high head, looked down upon the
portly, short-legged burgomasters, and owned no allegiance
to the governor himself; boasting that he held his pati-oon-
ship directly from the Lords States General.

He tarried but a short time in New-Amsterdam, merely to
beat u]) recruits for his colony. Few, however, ventured to
enlist for those remote and savage regions ; and when they
embarked, their friends took leave of them as if they should
never see them more ; and stood gazing with tearful eye as
the stout, ronnd-sterned little vessel ploughed and splashed
its way up the Hudson, with great noise and little progi-ess,
taking nearly a day to get out of sight of the city.

And now, from time to time, floated down tidings to the
Manhattoes of the growing importance of this new colony.
Every account represented Killian Van Rensellaer as rising
in importance and becoming a mighty patroon in the land.
He had received more recruits from Hollaud. His patroon-

CHAP. VI.] GOLDEN UEIGN OF WOUTER VAN TWILLER. 97

ship of Rensellaervvick lay immediately below Fort Aurania,
and extended for several miles on each side of the Hudson,
beside embracing the mountainous region of the Helderberg.
Over all this he claimed to hold separate jurisdiction inde-
pendent of the colonial authorities at New-Amsterdam.

All these assumptions of authority were duly reported to
Governor Van Twiller and his council, by dispatches from
Fort Aurania ; at each new report the governor and his
counsellors looked at each other, raised their eyebrows, gave
an extra puff or two of smoke, and then relapsed into their
usual tranquillity.

At length tidings came that the patroon of Rensellaerwick
had extended his usurpations along the river, beyond the limits
granted him by their High Mightinesses; and that he had even
seized upon a rocky island in the Hudson, commonly known
by the name of Beern or Bear's Island ; where he was erecting
a fortress, to be called by the lordly name of Rensellaersteen.

Wouter Van Twiller Avas roused by this intelligence.
After consulting with his burgomasters, he dispatched a letter
to the patroon of Rensellaerwick, demanding by what right
he had seized upon this island, which lay beyond the bounds
of his patroonship. The answer of Killian Van Rensellaer
was in his own lordly style, ^^ By wapcn recht!" that is to
say, by the right of arms, or in common parlance, by club-
law. This answer plunged the worthy Wouter in one of the
deepest doubts he had in the whole course of his adminis-
tration ; in the meantime, while Wouter doubted, the lordly
Killian went on to finish his fortress of Rensellaersteen, about
which I foresee I shall have something to recoi-d in a future
chapter of this most eventful history.

CHAP. VI.

In the year of our Lord one thousand eight hundred and four,
on a fine afternoon in the glowing month of Septembei-, I took
my customary walk upon the battery, which is at once the pride
and bulwark of this ancient and impregnable city of New- York.
The ground on which I trod was hallowed by recollections of
the past, and as I slowly wandered through the long alley of
poplars, which, like so many birch brooms standing on end,
diffused a melancholy and lugubrious shade, my imagination

u

98 HISTORY OF NEW-YORK. [bOOK in.

drew a contrast between the surrounding scenery, and what
it was in the classic days of our forefathers. Where the go-
vernment house by name, but the custom house by occupation,
proudly reared its brick walls and wooden pillars, there whilom
stood the low, but substantial, red-tiled mansion of the re-
nowned Wouter Van Twiller. Around it the mighty bul-
warks of P^ort Amsterdam frowned defiance to every absent
foe ; but, like many a whiskered warrior and gallant militia
captain, confined their martial deeds to frowns alone. The
mud breastworks had long been levelled with the earth, and
their site converted into the green lawns and leafy alleys of
the battery, where the gay apprentice sported his Sunday
coat, and the laborious mechanic, relieved from the dirt and
drudgery of the week, poured his weekly tale of love into the
half-averted ear of the sentimental chambermaid. The ca-
pacious bay still presented the same expansive sheet of water,
studded with islands, sprinkled with fishing boats, and bounded
by shores of picturesque beauty. But the dark forests which
once clothed those shores had been violated by the savage
hand of cultivation, and their tangled mazes, and impene-
trable thickets, had degenerated into teeming orchards and
waving fields of grain. Even Governor's Island, once a
smiling garden, appertaining to the sovereigns of the province,
was now covered with fortifications, inclosing a tremendous
block-house ; so that this once peaceful island resembled a
fierce little warrior in a big cocked hat, breathing gunpowder
and defiance to the world !

For some time did I indulge in a pensive train of thought,
contrasting in sober sadness the present day with the hallowed
years behind the mountains, lamenting the melancholy pro-
gress of improvement, and praising the zeal with which our
worthy burghers endeavour to preserve the wrecks of vene-
rable customs, prejudices, and errors, from the overwhelm-
ing tide of modern innovation ; when, by degrees, my ideas
took a different turn, and I insensibly awakened to an enjoy-
ment of the beauties around me.

It was one of those rich autumnal days, which heaven par-
ticulax'ly bestows upon the beauteous island of Manna-hata
and its vicinity ; not a floating cloud obscured the azure fir-
mament ; the sun rolling in glorious splendour through his
ethereal course, seemed to expand his honest Dutch coun-
tenance into an unusual expression of benevolence, as he

CHAP. VI.] GOLDEN REIGN OF WOUTER VAN TWTLLER. 99

smiled his evening salutation upon a city which he delights
to visit with his most bounteous beams ; the very winds
seemed to hold in their breaths in mute attention, lest they
should ruffle the tranquillity of the hour ; and the waveless
bosom of the bay presented a polished mirror, in which
nature beheld herself and smiled. The standard of our city,
reserved like a choice handkerchief for days of gala, hung
motionless on the flag-staff, which forms the handle of a
gigantic churn ; and even the tremulous leaves of the poplar
and the aspen ceased to vibrate to the breath of heaven.
Every thing seemed to acquiesce in the profound repose of
nature. The formidable eighteen-pounders slept in the em-
brazures of the wooden batteries, seemingly gathering fresh
strength to fight the battles of their country, on the next
fourth of July ; the solitary drum on Governor's Island
forgot to call the garrison to their shovels ; the evening gun
had not yet sounded its signal for all the regular well-
meaning poultry throughout the country to go to roost ;
and the fleet of canoes at anchor between Gibbet Island and
Communipaw slumbered on their rakes, and suffered the in-
nocent oysters to lie for a while unmolested in the soft mud of
their native banks. My own feelings sympathised with the
contagious tranquillity, and 1 should infallibly have dozed
upon one of those fragments of benches, which our be-
nevolent magistrates have provided for the benefit of conva-
lescent loungers, had not the extraordinary inconvenience of
the couch set all repose at defiance.

In the midst of this slumber of the soul, my attention was
attracted to a black speck, peering above the western horizon,
just in the rear of Bergen steeple ; gradually it augments
and overhangs the would-be cities of Jersey, Harsimus, and
Hoboken, which, like three jockeys, are starting on the course
of existence, and jostling each other at the commencement of
the race. Now it skirts the long shore of ancient Pavonia,
spreading its wide shadows from the high settlements of
Weehawk quite to the lazaretto and quarantine, erected by
the sagacity of our police for the embarrassment of commerce;
now it climbs the serene vault of heaven, cloud rolling over
cloud, shrouding the orb of day, darkening the vast ex-
panse, and bearing thunder, and hail, and tempest, in its
bosom. The earth seems agitated at the confusion of the
heavens — the late waveless mirror is lashed into furious

H 2

100 HISTORY OF NEW-TORK. [bOOK m.

waves, that roll in hollow murmurs to the shore — the oyster
boats that erst sported in the placid vicinity of Gibbet Island,
now hurry affrighted to the land — the poplar writhes, and
twists, and whistles in the blast — torrents of drenching rain
and sounding hail deluge the battery walks — the gates are
thronged by apprentices, servant-maids, and little French-
men, with pocket-handkerchiefs over their hats, scampering
from the storm — the late beauteous prospect presents one
scene of anarchy and wild uproar, as though old Chaos had
resumed his' reign, and was hurling back into one vast tur-
moil, the conflicting elements of nature.

Whether I fled from the fury of the storm, or remained
boldly at my post, as our gallant train-band captains, who
march their soldiers through the rain without flinching, are
points which I leave to the conjecture of the reader. It is
possible he may be a little perplexed also to know the reason
why I introduced this tremendous tempest to disturb the
serenity of my work. On this latter point I will gratuitously
instruct his ignorance. The panorama view of the battery
was given merely to gratify the reader with a correct de-
scription of that celebrated place, and the parts adjacent;
secondly, the storm was played off partly to give a little
bustle and life to this tranquil part of my work, and to keep
my drowsy readers from falling asleep, and partly to serve
as an overture to the tempestuous times which are about to
assail the pacific province of Nieuw Nederlandts, and which
overhang the slumbrous administration of the renowned
Wouter Van Twiller. It is thus the experienced playwright
puts all the fiddles, the French-horns, the kettle-drums, and
trumpets of his orchestra in requisition, to usher in one of
those horrible and brimstone uproars called Melodrames ; and
it is thus he discharges his thunder, his lightning, his rosin,
and saltpetre, preparatory to the rising of a ghost, or the mur-
dering of a hero. We will now proceed with our history.

Whatever may be advanced by philosophers to the con-
trary, I am of opinion that, as to nations, the old maxim, that
" honesty is the best policy," is a sheer and ruinous mistake.
It might have answered well enough in the honest times
tvhen it was made ; but, in these degenerate days, if a nation
pretends to rely merely upon the justice of its dealings, it
wiU fare something like the honest man who fell among
thieves, and found his honesty a poor protection against bad

CHAP. Vn.] GOLDKN REIGN OF WOUTER VAN TWILLER. 101

company. Such, at least, was the case with the guileless
government of the New-Netherlands ; which, like a worthy,
unsuspicious old burgher, quietly settled itself down in the
cityof New- Amsterdam as into a snug elbow chair, and ffll into
a comfortable nap, while, in the meantime, its cunning neigh-
bours stepped in and picked its pockets. In a word, we may
ascribe the commencement of all the woes of this great pro-
vince, and its magnificent metropolis, to the tranquil security,
or, to speak more accurately, to the unfortunate honesty
of its government. But as I dislike to begin an important
part of my history towards the end of a chapter ; and as my
readers, like myself, must doubtless be exceedingly fatigued
with the long walk we have taken, and the tempest we have
sustained, I hold it meet we shut up the book, smoke a pipe,
and having thus refreshed our spirits, take a fair start in a
new chapter.

CHAP. VII.

That my readers may the more fully comprehend the
extent of the calamity, at this veiy moment impending over
the honest, unsuspecting province of Nieuw Nederlandts and
its dubious governor, it is necessary that I should give some
account of a horde of strange barbarians bordering upon the
eastern frontier.

Now so it came to pass, that many years previous to the
time of which we are treating, the sage cabinet of England
Lad adopted a certain national creed, a kind of public walk of
faith, or rather a religious turnpike, in which every loyal
subject was directed to travel to Zion, taking care to pay the
toll-gatherers by the Avay.

Albeit a certain shrewd race of men, being very much
given to indulge their own opinions on all manner of subjects
(a propensity exceedingly otFensive to your free governments
of Eui-ope), did most presumptuously dare to think for them-
selves in matters of religion, exercising what they considered a
natural and unextinguishable right — the liberty of conscience.

As, however, they possessed that ingenuous habit of mind,
which always thinks aloud — which rides cock-a-hoop on the
tongue, and is for ever galloping into other people's ears, it
naturally followed that their liberty of conscience likewise
implied liberty of speech, which being freely indulged, soon

H 3

102 HISTORY OF NEW-YORK. [BOOK HI.

put the country in a hubbub, and aroused the pious indig-
nation of the vigilant fathers of the Church.

The usual methods were adopted to reclaim them, which
in those days were considered efficacious in bringing back stray
sheep to the fold ; that is to say, they were coaxed, they were
admonished, they were menaced, they were buiFeted — line
upon line, precept upon precept, lash upon lash, here a little
and there a great deal, were exhausted without mercy, and
without success ; until the worthy pastors of the Church,
wearied out by their unparalleled stubbornness, were driven in
the excess of their tender mercy to adopt the Scripture text,
and literally to " heap live embers on their heads."

Nothing, however, could subdue that independence of the
tongue which has ever distinguished this singular race, so
that, rather than subject that heroic member to further
tyranny, they one and all embarked for the wilderness of
America, to enjoy, unmolested, the inestimable right of talk-
ing. And, in fact, no sooner did they land upon the shore
of this free-spoken country, than they all lifted up their
voices, and made such a clamour of tongues, that we are told
they frightened every bird and beast out of the neighbourhood,
and struck such mute terror into certain fish, that they have
been called dumh-fish ever since.

This may appear marvellous, but it is nevertheless true ; in
proof of which I would observe, that the dumb-fish has ever
since become an object of superstitious reverence, and forms
the Saturday's dinner of every true Yankee.

The simple aborigines of the land for a while contemplated
these strange folk in utter astonishment, but discovering that
they wielded harmless, though noisy weapons, and were a
lively, ingenious, good-humoured race of men, they became
very friendly and sociable, and gave them the name of Yano-
kies, which in the Mais-Tchusaeg (or Massachusett) lan-
guage signifies silent men — a waggish appellation, since
shortened into the familiar epithet of Yankees, which they
retain unto the present day.

True it is, and my fidelity as a historian will not allow me
to pass over the fact, that having served a regular appren-
ticeship in the school of persecution, these ingenious people
soon showed that they had become masters of the art. The
great majority were of one particular mode of thinking in
matters of religion ; but, to their great surprise and indigna-

CHAP. VU.j GOLDEN KEIGN OF A70UTER VAN TWILLER. 103

tion, they found that divers Papists, Quakers, and Anabaptists
were springing up among them, and all claiming to use the
liberty of speech. This was at once pronounced a daring
abuse of the liberty of conscience, which they now insisted
was nothing more than the liberty to think as one pleased in
matters of religion, provided one thought right ; for other-
wise it would be giving a latitude to damnable heresies.
Isow as they, the majority, were convinced that they alone
thought right, it consequently followed that whoever thought
different from them thought wrong ; and whoever thought
wrong, and obstinately persisted in not being convinced and
converted, was a flagrant violator of the inestimable liberty
of conscience, and a corrupt and infectious member of the body
politic, and deserved to be lopped off and cast into the fire.
The consequence of all which was a fiery persecution of divers
sects, and especially of Quakers.

Now I'll warrant there are hosts of my readers ready at
once to lift up their hands and eyes, with that virtuous in-
dignation with which we contemplate the faults and errors of
our neighbours, and to exclaim at the preposterous idea of
convincing the mind by tormenting the body, and establish-
ing the doctrine of charity and forbearance by intolerant per-
secution. But, in simple truth, what are we doing at this
very day, and in this very enlightened nation, but acting
upon the very same principle in our political controversies ?
Plave we not. within but a few years, released ourselves from
the shackles of a government which cruelly denied us the
privilege of governing ourselves, and using in full latitude
that invaluable member, the tongue ? and are we not at this
very moment striving our best to tyrannise over the opinions,
tie up the tongues, and ruin the fortunes of one another?
What ai'e our great political societies, but mere political in-
quisitions— our pot-house committees, but little tribunals of
denunciation — our newspapers, but mere whipping-posts and
pillories, where unfortunate individuals are pelted with rotten
eggs — and our council of appointment, but a grand auto-da-fe,
where culprits are annually sacrificed foi- their political heresies?

Where then is the difference in principle between our mea-
sures and those you are so ready to condemn among the people
I am treating of ? There is none ; the difference is merely
circumstantial. Thus we denounce, instead of banishing —
we lihcl, instead of scourging — we turn out of office, instead

n 4

104 HISTORY OF NEW- YORK. [bOOK IH.

of hanging — and where they burnt an offender in proper
person, we either tar and feather, or burn him in effigy —
this political persecution being, somehow or other, the grand
palladium of our liberties, and an incontrovertible proof that
this is a free country I

But notwithstanding the fervent zeal with which this holy
war was prosecuted against the whole race of unbelievers, we
do not find that the population of this new colony was in
anywise hindered thereby ; on the contrary, they multiplied to
a degree which would be incredible to any man unacquainted
with the marvellous fecundity of this growing country.

This amazing increase may, indeed, be partly ascribed to
a singular custom prevalent among them, commonly known
by the name of hiindling — a superstitious rite observed by
the young people of both sexes, with which they usually ter-
minated their festivities, and which was kept up with reli-
gious strictness by the more bigoted part of the community.
This ceremony was likewise, in those primitive times, con-
sidered as an indispensable preliminary to matrimony, their
courtships commencing where ours usually finish; by which
means they acquired that intimate acquaintance with each
others' good qualities before marriage, which has been pro-
nounced by philosophers the sure basis of a happy union.
Thus early did this cunning and ingenious people display a
shrewdness of making a bargain which has ever since dis-
tinguished them, and a strict adherence to the good old
vulgar maxim about "buying a pig in a poke."

To this sagacious custom, therefore, do I chiefly attribute
the unparalleled increase of the Yanokie or Yankee race ;
for it is a certain fact, well authenticated by court records
and parish registers, that wherever the practice of bundling
prevailed, there was an amazing number of sturdy brats an-
nually born unto the state, without the license of the law, or
the benefit of clergy. Neither did the irregularity of their
birth operate in the least to their disparagement. On the
contrary, they grew up a long-sided, raw-boned, hardy race
of whoreson whalers, wood-cutters, fishermen, and pedlars,
and strapping corn-fed wenches, who, by their united efforts,
tended marvellously towards peopling those notable tracts of
country called Nantucket, Piscataway, and Cape Cod.

CHAP. Vni.] GOLDEN KEIGN OF WOUTER VAN TAVILLER. 105

CHAP. VIII.

In the last chapter I have given a fiiithful and unprejudiced
account of the origin of that singular race of people, inhabiting
the country eastward of the Nieuw-Nederlandts, but I have
yet to mention certain peculiar habits whicli rendei'ed themt
exceedingly annoying to our ever-honoured Dutch ancestors.

The most prominent of tliese was a certain rambling pro-
pensity, with which, like the sons of Ishmael, they seem to
have been gifted by heaven, and which continually goads them
on to shift their residence from place to place, so that a Yan-
kee farmer is in a constant state of migration, tarrying oc-
casionally here and there, clearing lands for other people to
enjoy, building houses for others to inliabit, and in a manner
may be considered the wandering Arab of America.

His first thought, on coming to the years of manhood, is to
settle himself in the world — whicli means nothing more nor
less than to begin his rambles. To this end he takes unto
3iimself for a wife some buxom country heiress, passing rich
in red ribands, glass beads, and mock tortoise-shell combs,
with a white gown and morocco shoes for Sunday, and deeply
skilled in the mystery of making apple sweatmeats, long sauce,
and pumpkin pie.

Having thus provided himself, like a pedlar, with a heavy
knapsack, wherewith to regale his shoulders through the
journey of life, he literally sets out on the peregrination.
His whole family, household furniture, and farming utensils
are hoisted into a covered cart ; his own and his Avife's ward-
robe packed up in a firkin ; which done, he shoulders his axe,
takes staff in hand, whistles " Yankee doodle," and trudges
olf to the woods, as confident of the protection of Providence,
and relying as cheerfully upon his own resources, as did ever
a patriarch of yore, when he journeyed into a strange country
of the Gentiles. Having buried himself in the wilderness,
he builds himself a log hut, clears away a corn field and po-
tato patch, and Providence smiling upon his labours, is soon
surrounded by a snug farm and some half a score of flaxen-
headed urchins, who, by their size, seem to have sprung all
at once out of the earth, like a crop of toadstools.

But it is not the nature of this most indefatigable of specu-
lators to rest contented with any state of sublunary enjoy-

106 HISTORY OF NEW- YORK. [bOOK m.

ment ; improvement is his darling passion, and having thus
improved his lands, the next care is to provide a mansion
worthy the residence of a landholder. A huge palace of pine
boards immediately springs up in the midst of the wilderness,
large enough for a parish church, and furnished with win-
dows of all dimensions, but so ricketty and flimsy withal, that
every blast gives it a fit of the ague.

By the time the outside of this mighty air castle is com-
pleted, either the funds or the zeal of our adventurer are ex-
hausted, so that he barely manages to half finish one room
within, where the whole family burrow together, while the
rest of the house is devoted to the curing of pumpkins, or
storing of carrots and potatoes, and is decorated with fanci-
ful festoons of dried apples and peaches. The outside, re-
maining unpainted, grows venerably black with time ; the
family wardrobe is laid under contribution for old hats, pet-
ticoats, and breeches, to stuff into the broken windows, while
the four winds of heaven keep up a whistling and howling
about this aerial palace, and play as many unruly gambols as
they did of yore in the cave of old -^olus.

The humble log hut, which whilome nestled this improving
family snugly within its narrow but comfortable walls, stands
hard by, in ignominious contrast, degraded into a cow-house
or pig-sty; and the whole scene reminds one forcibly of a
fable, which I am surprised has never been recorded, of an
aspiring snail, who abandoned his humble habitation, which
he had long filled with great respectability, to crawl into the
empty shell of a lobster, where he would no doubt have re-
sided with great style and splendour, the envy and the hate
of all the painstaking snails in the neighbourhood, had he not
perished with cold in one corner of his stupendous mansion.

Being thus completely settled, and, to use his own words,
"to rights," one would imagine that he would begin to enjoy
the comforts of his situation, to read newspapers, talk poli-
tics, neglect his own business, and attend to the affairs of
the nation like a useful and patriotic citizen ; but now it is
that his Avayward disposition begins again to operate. He
soon grows tired of a spot where there is no longer any room
for improvement — sells his farm, air castle, petticoat win-
dows and all, reloads his cart, shoulders his axe, puts himself
at the head of his family, and wanders away in search of new
lands — again to fell trees — again to clear cornfields — again
to build a shingle palace, and again to sell off and wander.

CHAP. Vm.J GOLDEN REIGN OF -WOUTER VAN TWILLER. 107

Such were the people of Connecticut, who bordered upon
the eastern frontier ofNieuw-Nederlandts, and my readers may
easily imagine what uncomfortable neighbours this light-
hearted but restless tribe must have been to our tranquil
progenitors. If they cannot, I would ask them if they have
ever known one of our regular, well-organised Dutch families,
whom it hath pleased heaven to afflict with the neighbour-
hood of a French boarding-house ? The honest old burgher
cannot take his afternoon's pipe on the bench before his door
but he is persecuted with the scraping of fiddles, the chatter-
ing of women, and the squalling of children ; he cannot sleep
at night for the horrible melodies of some amateur, who
chooses to serenade the moon, and display his terrible pro-
ficiency in execution on the clarionet, hautboy, or some other
soft -toned instrument ; nor can he leave the street door open,
but his house is defiled by the unsavoury visits of a troop of
pup dogs, who even sometimes carry their loathsome ravages
into the sanctum sanctorum, the parlour!

If my readers have ever witnessed the sufferings of such a
family, so situated, they may form some idea how our worthy
ancestors were distressed by their mercurial neighboui's of
Connecticut.

Gangs of these marauders, we are told, penetrated into the
New-Netherland settlements, and threw whole villages into
consternation by their unparalleled volubility, and their in-
tolerable inquisitiveness — two evil habits hitherto unknown
in those parts, or only known to be abhorred ; for our an-
cestors were noted as being men of truly Spartan taciturnity,
and who neither knew nor cared aught about any body's con-
cerns but their own. Many enormities were committed on
the highways^ where several unoffending burghers were
brought to a stand, and tortured Avith questions and guesses,
which outrages occasioned as much vexation and heart-burn-
ing as does the modern right of search on the high seas.

Great jealousy did they likewise stir up by their inter-
meddling and successes among the divine sex, for being a
race of brisk, likely, pleasant-tongued varlets, they soon se-
duced the light affections of the simple damsels from their
ponderous Dutch gallants. Among other hideous customs,
they attempted to introduce among them \\\?i\ oi bundling,
which the Dutch lasses of the Nederlandts, with that eager
passion for novelty and foreign fashions natural to their sex,

108 HISTOKT OF NEW- YORK. [bOOK IH.

seemed very well inclined to follow, but that their mothers,
being more experienced in the world, and better acquainted
with men and things, strenuously discountenanced all such
outlandish innovations.

But what chiefly operated to embroil our ancestors with
these strange folk, was an unwarrantable liberty which they
occasionally took of entering in hordes into the territories of
the New-Netherlands, and settling themselves down, without
leave or license, to improve the land in the manner I have
before noticed. This unceremonious mode of taking pos-
session of neio land was technically termed squatting, and
hence is derived the appellation of squatters; a name odious
in the ears of all great landholders, and which is given to
those enterprising woi'thies who seize upon land first, and
take their chance to make good their title to it afterwards.

All these grievances, and many others which were con-
stantly accumulating, tended to form that dark and portentous
cloud Avhich, as I observed in a former chapter, was slowly
gathering over the tranquil province of New-Netherlands.
The pacific cabinet of Van Twiller, however, as will be per-
ceived in the sequel, bore them all with a magnanimity that
redounds to their immortal credit, becoming by passive en-
durance inured to this increasing mass of wrongs ; like that
mighty man of old, who by dint of carrying about a calf from
the time it was born, continued to carry it without difficulty
when it had grown to be an ox.

CHAP. IX.

By this time my readers must fully perceive what an arduous
task I have undertaken — exploring a little kind of Hercu-
laneumof history, which had lain nearly for ages buried under
the rubbish of years, and almost totally forgotten ; raking
up the limbs and fragments of disjointed facts, and endea-
vouring to put them scrupulously together, so as to restore
them to their original form and connection ; now lugging
forth the character of an almost forgotten hero, like a muti-
lated statue ; now deciphering a half defaced inscription, and
now lighting upon a mouldering manuscript, which, after
painful study, scarce repays the trouble of perusal.

CHAP. IX.] GOLDEN KEIGN OF WOUTER VAN TWILLER. 109

In such case how much has the reader to depend upon the
honour and probity of his autlior, lest, like a cunning anti-
quarian, he either impose upon him some spurious fabrication
of his own, for a precious relic from antiquity ; or else dress
up the dismembered fragment with such false trappings, that
it is scarcely possible to distinguish the truth from the fiction
with which it is enveloped. This is a grievance which I
have more than once had to lament, in the course of my
wearisome researches among the works of my fellow his-
torians, who have strangely disguised and distorted the facts
respecting this country, and particularly respecting the great
province of New-Netherlands, as will be perceived by any
who will take the trouble to compare their romantic eifu-
sions, tricked out in the meretricious gauds of fable, with this
authentic history.

I have had more vexations of the kind to encounter, in
those parts of my history which treat of the transactions on
the eastern border than in any other, in consequence of the
troops of historians who have infested those quarters, and
have shown the honest people of Nieuw-Nederlandts no mercy
in their works. Among the rest, Mr. Benjamin Trumbull
arrogantly declares that " the Dutch were always mere in-
truders." Now to this I shall make no other reply than to
jjroceed in the steady narration of my history, which will
contain not only proofs that the Dutch had clear title and
possession in the fair valleys of the Connecticut, and that
they were wrongfully dispossessed thereof, but, likewise, that
they have been scandalously maltreated ever since by the
misrepresentations of the crafty historians of New-England.
And in this I shall be guided by a spirit of truth and impar-
tiality, and a regard to immortal fame ; for I would not
wittingly dishonour my work by a single falsehood, misre-
presentation, or prejudice, though it should gain our fore-
fathers the whole country of New-England.

I have already noticed, in a former chapter of my history,
that the territories of the Nieuw-Nederlandts extended on the
east quite to theVai"sche,or Fresh, or Connecticut river. Here,
at an early period, had been established a frontier post on
the bank of the river, and called Fort Goed Hoop, not far
from the site of the present fair city of Hartford. It was
placed under the command of Jacobus Van Curlet, or Curlis,
as some historians will have it, a doughty soldier, of that sto-

110 HISTORY OF NEW- YORK. [bOOK UI.

machful class famous for eating ail they kill. He was long
in the body and short in the limb, as though a tall man's
body had been mounted on a little man's legs. He made up
for this turnspit construction by striding to such an extent,
that you would have sworn he had on the seven-leagued boots
of Jack the Giant-Killer ; and so high did he tread on parade,
that his soldiers were sometimes alarmed lest he should
trample himself under foot.

But notwithstanding the erection of this fort, and the ap-
pointment of this ugly little man of war as commander, the
Yankees continued the interlopings hinted at in my last
chapter, and at length had the audacity to squat themselves
down within the jurisdiction of Fort Goed Hoop.

The long-bodied Van Curlet protested with great spirit
against these unwarrantable encroachments, couching his
protest in Low Dutch by way of inspiring more terror, and
forthwith dispatched a copy of the protest to the governor at
New-Amsterdam, together with a long and bitter account of
the aggressions of the enemy. This done, he ordered his
men, one and all, to be of good cheer, shut the gate of the
fort, smoked three pipes, went to bed, and awaited the result
with a resolute and intrepid tranquillity, that greatly ani-
mated his adherents, and, no doubt, struck sore dismay and
aifright into the hearts of the enemy.

Now it came to pass that, about this time, the renowned
Wouter Van Twiller, full of years and honours, and council
dinners, had reached that period of life and faculty which,
according to the great Gulliver, entitles a man to admission
into the ancient order of Struldbruggs. He employed his
time in smoking his Turkish pipe amid an assemblage of
sages equally enlightened, and nearly as venerable, as him-
self, and who, for their silence, their gravity, their wisdom,
and their cautious averseness to coming to any conclusion in
business, are only to be equalled by certain profound corpo-
rations which I have known in my time. Upon reading the
protest of the gallant Jacobus Van Curlet, therefore. His
Excellency fell straightway into one of the deepest doubts
that ever he was known to encounter ; his capacious head
gradually drooped on his chest, he closed his eyes, and in-
clined his ear to one side, as if listening with great attention
to the discussion that was going on in his belly, and which
all who knew him declared to be the huge court-house or

CHAP. IX.] GOLDEN REIGN OF WOUTER VAN TWILLKR. Ill

council-chamber of his thouglits, forming to his head what
the house of representatives does to the senate. An inarti-
culate sound, very much resembling a snore, occasionally
escaped him ; but the nature of this internal cogitation was
never known, as he never opened his lips on the subject to
man, woman, or child. In the meantime, the protest of Van
Curlet laid quietly on the table, where it served to light the
pipes of the venerable sages assembled in council ; and, in
the great smoke which they raised, the gallant Jacobus, his
protest, and his mighty fort Goed Hoop, were soon as com-
pletely beclouded and forgotten, as is a question of emergency
swallowed up in the speeches and resolutions of a modern
session of congress.

There are certain emergencies when your profound legis-
lators and sage deliberative councils are mightily in the way
of a nation, and when an ounce of hair-brained decision is
worth a pound of sage doubt and cautious discussion. Such,
at least, was the case at present ; for while the renowned
Wouter Van Twiller was daily battling with his doubts, and
his resolution growing weaker and weaker in the contest, the
enemy pushed farther and farther into his territories, and
assumed a most formidable appearance in the neighbourhood
of Fort Goed Hoop. Here they founded the mighty town of
Pyquag, or, as it has since been called, Weathersfield, — a
place which, if we may credit the assertions of that worthy
historian, John Josselyn, gent., " hath been infamous by
reason of the -witches therein." And so daring did these
men of Pyquag become, that they extended those plantations
of onions, for which their town is illustrious, under the very
noses of the garrison of Fort Goed Hoop, insomuch that the
honest Dutchmen could not look toward that quarter without
tears in their eyes.

This crying injustice was regarded with proper indignation
by the gallant Jacobus Van Curlet. He absolutely trembled
with the violence of his choler and the exacerbations of his
valour, which were the more turbulent in their workings
from the length of the body in which they were agitated.
He forthwith proceeded to strengthen his redoubts, heighten
his breastworks, deepen his fosse, and fortify his position
with a double row of abbatis ; after which he dispatched a
fresh courier with accounts of his perilous situation.

The courier chosen to bear the dispatches was a fat, oily

112 HISTORY OF NEW-YORK. [bOOK HI.

little man, as being less liable to be ■worn out or to lose
leather on the journey; and, to insure his speed, he was
mounted on the fleetest waggon horse in the garrison, re-
markable for length of limb, largeness of bone, and hardness
of trot ; and so tall, that the little messenger was obliged to
climb on his back by means of his tail and crupper. Such
extraordinary speed did he make, that he arrived at Fort
Amsterdam in a little less than a month, though the distance
was full two hundred pipes, or about one hundred and
twenty miles.

With an appearance of great hurry and business, and
smoking a short travelling-pipe, he proceeded on a long swing
trot through the muddy lanes of the metropolis, demolishing
whole batches of dirt pies which the little Dutch children
were making in the road, and for which kind of pastry the
children of this city have ever been famous. On arriving at
the governor's house, he climbed down from his steed, roused
the grey-headed door-keeper, old Skaats, who, like his lineal
descendant and faithful representative, the venerable crier of
our court, Avas nodding at his post, rattled at the door of the
council chamber, and startled the members as they were
dozing over a plan for establishing a public market.

At that very moment a gentle grunt, or rather a deep-
drawn snore, was heard from the chair of the governor ; a
whiff of smoke was at the same instant observed to escape
from his lips, and a light cloud to ascend from the bowl of
his pipe. The council, of course, supposed him engaged in
deep sleep for the good of the community, and, according to
custom in all such cases established, every man bawled out
silence ! when, of a sudden, the door flew open, and the little
courier straddled into the apartment, cased to the middle in a
pair of Hessian boots, which he had got into for the sake of
expedition. In his right hand he held forth the ominous
dispatches, and with his left he grasped firmly the waistband
of his galligaskins, which had unfortunately given way in the
exertion of descending from his horse. He stumped reso-
lutely up to the governor, and, with more hurry than perspi-
cuity, delivered his message. But, fortunately, his ill tidings
came too late to ruffle the tranquillity of this most tranquil of
rulers. His venerable Excellency had just breathed and
.smoked his last ; his lungs and his pipe having been ex-
hausted together, and his peaceful soul having escaped in the

BOOK. IV.] WILLIAM THK TESTY. 113

last whiff that curled from his tobacco-pipe. In a word, the
renowned Walter the Doubter, who had so often slumbered
with his contemporaries, now slept with his fathers, and
Wilhelmus Kieft governed in his stead.

BOOK IV.

CONTAINING THE CHRONICLES OF THE REIGN OP
WILLIAM THE TESTY.

CHAPTER I.

When the lofty Thucydides is about to enter upon his de-
scription of the plague that desolated Athens, one of his
modern commentators assures the reader that the history is
now going to be exceedingly solemn, serious, and pathetic ;
and hints, with that air of chuckling gratulation with which
a good dame draws forth a choice morsel from a cupboard to
regale a favourite, that this plague will give his history a
most agreeable variety.

In like manner did my heart leap within me when I came
to the dolorous dilemma of Fort Good Hope, which I at once
perceived to be the forerunner of a series of great events and
entertaining disasters. Such are the true subjects for the
historic pen. For what is history, in fact, but a kind of
Newgate Calendar — a register of the crimes and miseries
that man has inflicted on his fellow man ? It is a huge libel
on human nature, to which we industriously add page after
page, volume after volume, as if we were building up a
monument to the honour, rather than the infamy, of our
species. If we turn over the pages of these chronicles that
man has written of himself, what are the characters dignified
by the appellation of great, and held up to the admiration of
posterity ? Tyrants, robbers, conquerors, renowned only for
the magnitude of their misdeeds and the stupendous wrongs
and miseries they have inflicted on mankind — warriors, who
have hired themselves to the trade of blood, not from motives
of virtuous patriotism, or to protect the injured and defence-
less, but merely to gain the vaunted glory of being adroit
and successful in massacring tiicir fellow-beings ! What are

114 HISTORY OF NEW-YORK. [bOOK IT.

the great events that constitute a glorious era ? The fall of
empires, the desolation of happy countries, splendid cities
smoking in their ruins, the proudest works of art tumbled in
the dust, the shrieks and groans of whole nations ascending
unto heaven !

It is thus the historians may be said to thrive on the mise-
ries of mankind, like birds of prey which hover over the field
of battle to fatten on the mighty dead. It was observed by
a great projector of inland lock navigation, that rivers, lakes,
and oceans were only formed to feed canals. In like manner
I am tempted to believe that plots, conspiracies, wars, victo-
ries, and massacres, are ordained by Providence only as food
for the historian.

It is a source of great delight to the philosopher, in study-
ing the wonderful economy of nature, to trace the mutual
dependencies of things — how they are created reciprocally
for each other, and how the most noxious and apparently
unnecessary animal has its uses. Thus those swarms of flies
which are so often execrated as useless vermin, are created for
the sustenance of spiders ; and spiders, on the other hand, are
evidently made to devour flies. So those heroes who have
been such scourges to the world were bounteously provided
as themes for the poet and historian, while the poet and the
historian were destined to record the achievements of heroes !

These and many similar reflections naturally arose in my
mind, as I took up my pen to commence the reign of Wil-
liam Kieft : for now the stream of our history, which hitherto
has rolled in a tranquil current, is about to depart for ever
from its peaceful haunts, and brawl through many a turbu-
lent and rugged scene.

As some sleek ox, sunk in the rich repose of a clover-field,
dozing and chewing the cud, will bear repeated blows before
it raises itself; so the province of Nieuw-Nederlandts, hav-
ing waxed fat under the drowsy reign of the Doubter,
needed cuffs and kicks to rouse it into action. The reader
will now witness the manner in which a peaceful community
advances towards a state of war ; which is apt to be like the
approach of a horse to a drum, with much prancing and
little progress, and too often with the wrong end foremost.

Wilhelmus Kieft, who, in 1634, ascended the gubernato-
rial chair (to bori'ow a favourite though clumsy appellation
of modern phraseologists), was of a lofty descent, Ms father

CHAP. I.] WILLIAM THE TESTY. 115

being inspector of wind-mills in the ancient town of Saardani ;
and our hero, we are told, when a boy, made very curious
investigations into the nature and operation of these ma-
chines, which was one reason why he afterwards came to be
so ingenious a governor. His name, according to the most
authentic etymologists, was a corruption of Kyver; that is
to say, a wrangler or scolder ; and expressed the charac-
teristic of his family, which, for nearly two centuries, had
kept the windy town of Saardam in hot water, and produced
more tartars and brimstones than any ten families in the
place ; and so truly did he inherit this family peculiarity,
that he had not been a year in the government of the pro-
vince, before he was universally denominated William the
Testy. His appearance answered to his name. He was a
brisk, wiry, waspish little old gentleman ; such a one as may
now and then be seen stumping about our city in a broad-
skirted coat with huge buttons, a cocked hat stuck on the
back of his head, and a cane as high as his chin. His face
was broad, but his features were sharp ; his cheeks were
scorched into a dusky red, by two fieiy little grey eyes ; his
nose turned up, and the corners of his mouth turned down,
pretty much like the muzzle of an irritable pug-dog.

I have heard it observed by a profound adept in human
physiology, that if a woman waxes fat with the progress of
years, her tenure of life is somewhat precarious, but if haply
she withers as she grows old, she lives for ever. Such pro-
mised to be the case with William the Testy, who grew
tough in proportion as he dried. Pie had withered, in fact,
not through the process of years, but through the tropical
fervour of his soul, which burnt like a vehement rush-light
in his bosom, inciting him to incessant broils and bickerings.
Ancient traditions speak much of his learning, and of the
gallant inroads he had made into the dead languages, in
which he had made captive a host of Greek nouns and Latin
verbs; and brought off rich booty in ancient saws and
apophthegms, which he was wont to parade in his public ha-
rangues, as a triumphant general of yore, his spolia opima.
Of metaphysics he knew enough to confound all hearers and
himself into the bargain. In logic, he knew the whole
family of syllogisms and dilemmas, and was so proud of his
skill that he never suffered even a self-evident fact to pass
unargued. It was observed, however, that he seldom got into

I 2

116 HISTORY OF NEW-YORK. [bOOK IV.

an argument without getting into a perplexity, and then into
a passion with his adversary for not being convinced gratis.

He had, moreover, skirmished smartly on the frontiers of
several of the sciences, was fond of experimental philosophy,
and prided himself upon inventions of all kinds. His abode,
which he had fixed at a bowery, or country-seat, at a short
distance fi'om the city, just at what is now called Dutch
Street, soon abounded with proofs of his ingenuity : patent
smoke-jacks that required a horse to work them ; Dutch
ovens that roasted meat without fire ; carts that went beiore
the horses ; weather-cocks that turned against the wind ;
and otlier wrong-headed contrivances that astonished and
confounded all beholders. The house, too, was beset with
paralytic cats and dogs, the subjects of his experimental phi-
losophy ; and the yelling and yelping of the latter unhappy
victims of science, while aiding in the pursuit of knowledge,
soon gained for the place the name of " Dog's Misery," by
which it continues to be known even at the present day.

It is in knowledge as in swimming, he who flounders and
splashes on the surface, makes more noise and attracts more
attention than tlie pearl-diver who quietly dives in quest of
treasures to the bottom. The vast acquirements of the new
governor were the theme of marvel among the simple
burghers of New Amsterdam ; he figured about the place as
learned a man as a Bonze at Pekin, who has mastered one-
half of the Chinese alphabet : and Avas unanimously pro-
nounced a " universal genius ! "

I have known in my time many a genius of this stamp ;
but, to speak my mind freely, I never knew one who, for
the ordinary purposes of life, Avas worth his weight in straw.
In this respect, a little sound judgment and plain common
sense is wortli all the sparkling genius that ever wrote
poetry or invented theories. Let us see how the universal
acquirements of William the Testy aided him in the affairs
of government.

CHAP. 11.

No sooner had this bustling little potentate been blown by a
whiff of fortune into the seat of government, than he called
his council together to make them a speech on the state of
affairs.

CHAP. II.] WILLIAM THE TESTT. 117

Caius Graechus, it is said, when he harangued the Roman
populace, modulated his tone by an oratorical flute or pitch-
pipe; Wilhelmus Kieft, not having such an instrument at
hand, availed himself of that musical organ or trump wliicli
nature has implanted in the midst of a man's face ; in other
■words, he preluded his address bj a sonorous blast of the
nose; a preliminary flourish much in vogue among public
orators.

He then commenced by expressing his humble sense of his
utter unworthiness of the high post to which he had been
appointed, which made some of the simple burghers wonder
why he undertook it, not knowing that it is a point of eti-
quette with a public orator never to enter upon ofl^ice without
declaring himself unworthy to cross the threshold. He then
proceeded in a manner highly classic and erudite to speak of
government generally, and of the governments of ancient
Greece in particular ; together with the wars of Rome and
Carthage, and the rise and fall of sundry outlandish empires
which the worthy burghers had never read nor heard of.
Having thus, after the manner of your learned orators, treated
of things in general, he came, by a natural roundabout trans-
ition, to the matter in hand, namely, the daring aggressions
of the Yankees.

As my readers are well aware of the advantage a potentate
has of handling his enemies as he pleases in his speeches and
bulletins, where he has the talk all on his own side, they may
i*est assured that William the Testy did not let such an op-
portunity escape of giving the Yankees what is called " a
taste of his quality." In speaking of their inroads into the
territories of their High Mightinesses, he compared them to
the Gauls, who desolated Rome ; the Goths and Vandals, who
overran the fairest plains of Europe ; but when he came to
speak of the unparalleled audacity with which they of Wea-
thersfield had advanced their patches up to the very walls of
Fort Goed Hoop, and threatened to smother the garrison in
onions, tears of rage started into his eyes, as though he nosed
the very offence in question.

Having thus wrouglit up his talc to a climax, he assumed
a most belligerent look, and assured the council that he had
devised an instrument, potent in its effects, and which he
trusted would soon drive the Yankees from the land. So
saying, he thrust his hand into one of the deep pockets of

I 3

118 HISTORY OF NEW- YORK. [bOOK IV.

his broad-skirted coat and drew forth, not an infernal ma-
chine, but an instrument in writing, which he laid with great
emphasis upon the table.

The burghers gazed at it for a time in silent awe, as a
wary housewife does at a gun, fearful it may go off half-
cocked. The document in question had a sinister look, it is
true ; it was crabbed in text, and from a broad red ribbon
dangled the great seal of the province, about the size of a
buckwheat pancake. Still, after all, it was but an instrument
in writing. Herein, however, existed the wonder of the in-
vention. The document in question was a Proclajiation,
ordering the Yankees to depart instantly from the territories
of their High Mightinesses, under pain of suffering all the
forfeitures and punishments in such case made and pro-
vided. It was on the moral effect of this formidable instru-
ment that Wilhelraus Kieft calculated ; pledging his valour
as a governor that, once fulminated against the Yankees, it
would, in less than two months, drive every mother's son of
them across the borders.

The council broke up in perfect wonder, and nothing was
talked of for some time among the old men and women of
New-Amsterdam but the vast genius of the governor, and
his new and cheap mode of fighting by proclamation.

As to Wilhelmus Kieft, having dispatched his proclamation
to the frontiers, he put on his cocked hat and corduroy small-
clothes, and, mounting a tall raw-boned charger, trotted out
to his rural retreat of Dog's Misery. Here, like the good
Numa, he reposed from the toils of state, taking lessons in
government, not from the nymph Egeria, but from the
honoured wife of his bosom, who was one of that class of females
sent upon the earth a little after the Flood, as a punishment
for the sins of mankind, and commonly known by the appel-
lation of knowing women. In fact, my duty as an historian
obliges me to make known a circumstance which was a great
secret at the time, and, consequently, was not a subject of
scandal at more than half the tea-tables in New-Amsterdam,
but which, like many other great secrets, has leaked out in
the lapse of years ; and this was, that Wilhelmus the Testy,
though one of the most potent little men that ever breathed,
yet submitted at home to a species of government, neither
laid down in Aristotle nor Plato ; in short, it partook of the
nature of a pure, unmixed tyranny, and is familiarly denonai-

CHAP. in. J WILLIAM THE TESTX. 119

nated petticoat government. An absolute sway, which, although
exceedingly common in these modern days, was very rare
among the ancients, if we may judge from the rout made
about the domestic economy of honest Socrates, which is the
only ancient case on record.

The great Kieft, however, warded off all the sneers and
sarcasms of his particular fi-iends, who are ever ready to joke
with a man on sore points of the kind, by alleging that it
was a government of his own election, to which he submitted
through choice ; adding, at the same time, a profound maxim
which he had found in an ancient author, that " he who
would aspire to govern should first learn to obey."

CHAP. III.

Never was a more comprehensive, a more expeditious, or,
what is still better, a more economical measure devised, than
this of defeating the Yankees by proclamation — an expe-
dient, likewise, so gentle and humane, there were ten chances
to one in favour of its succeeding ; but then there was one
chance to ten that it would not succeed — as the ill-natured
Fates would have it, that single chance carried the day ! The
proclamation was perfect in all its parts, well constructed,
well written, well sealed, and well published : all that was
wanting to insure its effect was, that the Yankees should
stand in awe of it ; but, provoking to relate, they treated it
with the most absolute contempt, applied it to an unseemly
purpose, and thus did the first warlike proclamation come
to a shameful end — a fate which I am credibly informed has
befallen but too many of its successors.

So far from abandoning the country, those varlets con-
tinued their encroachments, squatting along the green banks
of the Varsche river, and founding Hartford, Stamford, New
Haven, and other border towns. I have already shown how
the onion patches of Pyquag were an eyesore to Jacobus
Van Curlet and his garrison ; but now these moss-troopers
increased in their atrocities, kidnapping hogs, impounding
horses, and sometimes grievously rib-roasting their owners.
Our worthy forefathers could scarcely stir abroad without
danger of being outjockeyed in horseflesh, or taken in in bar-
gaining ; while, in their absence, some daring Yankee pedlar

I 4

120 HISTORY OF NEW-YORK. [bOOK IT.

would penetrate to their household, and nearly ruin the
good housewives with tin-ware and wooden bowls.*

I am well aware of the perils which environ me in this
part of my history. While raking, with curious hand but
pious heart, among the mouldering remains of former days,
anxious to draw therefrom the honey of wisdom, I may fare
somewhat like that valiant worthy, Samson, who, in med-
dling with the carcass of a dead lion, drew a swarm of bees
about his ears. Thus, while narrating the many misdeeds
of the Yanokie or Yankee race, it is ten chances to one but
I offend the morbid sensibilities of certain of their unreason-
able descendants, who may fly out and raise such a buzzing
about this unlucky head of mine, that I shall need the tough
hide of an Achilles, or an Orlando Furioso, to protect me
from their stings.

Should such be the case, I should deeply and sincerely
lament — not my misfortune in giving offence — but the
wrong-headed perverseness of an ill-natured generation, in
taking offence at any thing I say. That their ancestors did
use my ancestors ill is true, and I am very sorry for it. I
would, with all my heart, the fact were otherwise ; but as I
am recording the sacred events of history, I'd not bate one
nail's breadth of the honest truth, though I were sure the
whole edition of my work would be bought up and burnt by
the common hangman of Connecticut. And in sootli, now
that these testy gentlemen have drawn me out, I will make
bold to go farther, and observe that this is one of the grand

* The following; cases in point appear in Hazard's " Collection of State
Papers :" — "In tlic meantime, they of Hartford have not onelj^ usurped
and taken in the lands of Connecticott, although unrighteously and against
the lawes of nations, but have hindered our nation in sowing theirc own
purchased broken-up lands, but have also sowed them with come in the
night, wliich the Nederlandcrs had broken up and intended to sowe ; and
have beaten the servants of the high and mighty the honored companie,
which were laboring upon theire masters' lands, from theirc lands, with
sticks and plow staves in hostile manner laming, and, among the rest,
struck Ever Duckings [Evert Duyckink] a hole in his head with a stick,
so that the bloode ran downe veiy strongly downe upon his body."

" Those of Hartford sold a hogg, that belonged to the honored companie,
under pretence that it had eaten of theire grounde grass, when they had
not any foot of inheritance. They proffered the hogg for 5s. if the com-
missioners would have given 5s. for damage ; which the commissioners
denied, because noe man's own hogg (as men used to say) can trespass
upon his owne master's grounde."

CHAP, ra.] WILLIAM THIC TESTY. 121

purposes for which we impartial historians are sent into the
world — to redress wrongs, and render justice on the heads
of the guilty. So that, though a powerful nation may wrong
its neighbours with temporary impunity, yet sooner or later
an historian springs up, who wreaks ample chastisement on
it in return.

Thus these moss-troopers of the east little thought, I'll
warrant it, while they were harassing the inoffensive pro-
vince of Nieuw-Nederlandts, and driving its unhappy gover-
nor to his wits' end, that an historian would ever arise, and
give them their own, with interest. Since, then, I am but
performing my bounden duty as an historian, in avenging
the wrongs of our revered ancestors, I shall make no furtlier
apology ; and, indeed, when it is considered that I have all
these ancient borderers of the east in my power, and at the
mercy of my pen, I trust that it will be admitted I conduct
myself with gi-eat humanity and moderation.

It was long before William the Testy could be persuaded
that his much vaunted war measure was ineffectual ; on the
contrary, he flew in a passion whenever it was doubted,
swearing that though slow in operating, yet when it once
began to work, it would soon purge the land of these in-
vaders. When convinced, at length, of the truth, like a
shrewd physician, he attributed the failure to the quantity,
not the quality of the medicine, and resolved to double the
dose. He fulminated, therefore, a second proclamation more
vehement than the firsts forbidding all intercourse with these
Yankee intruders ; ordering the Dutch burghers on the fron-
tiers to buy none of their pacing horses, measly pork, apple
sweetmeats, Weathersfield onions, or wooden bowls, and to fur-
nish them with no supplies of gin, gingerbread, or sour-krout.

Another interval elapsed, during which the last proclama-
tion was as little regarded as the first, and the non-intercourse
was especially set at naught by the young folks of both sexes,
if we may judge by the active bundling which took place
along the borders.

At length one day the inhabitants of New- Amsterdam
were aroused by a furious barking of dogs, great and small,
and beheld, to their surprise, tlie wJiole garrison of Fort Good
Hope straggling into town all tattei'ed and wayworn, with
Jacobus Van Curlet at their head, bringing the melancholy in-
telligence of tlie capture of Fort Good Hope by the Yankees.

122 HISTORY OF NEW TORK. [bOOK IV.

The fate of this important fortress is an impressive warn-
ing to all military commanders. It was neither carried by
storm nor famine ; nor was it undermined, nor bombarded,
nor set on fire by red-hot shot ; but was taken by a stratagem no
less singular than effectual, and which can never fail of suc-
cess, whenever an opportunity occurs of putting it in practice.

It seems that the Yankees had received, intelligence that
the garrison of Jacobus Van Curlet had been reduced nearly
one-eighth by the death of two of his most corpulent soldiers,
who had overeaten themselves on fat salmon caught in the
Varsche river. A secret expedition was immediately set on
foot to surpi'ise the fortress. The crafty enemy knowing the
habits of the garrison to sleep soundly after they had eaten
their dinners and smoked their pipes, stole upon them at the
noontide of a sultry summer's day, and surprised them in the
midst of their slumbers.

In an instant the flag of their High Mightinesses was low-
ered, and the Yankee standard elevated in its stead, being a
dried codfish, by way of a spread eagle. A strong garrison
was appointed of long-sided, hard-fisted Yankees, with "Wea-
thersfield onions for cockades and feathers. As to Jacobus
Van Curlet and his men, they were seized by the nape of the
neck, conducted to the gate, and one by one dismissed with a
kick in the crupper, as Charles XII. dismissed the heavy-
bottomed Russians at the battle of Narva ; Jacobus Van Curlet
receiving two kicks in consideration of his official dignity.

CHAP. IV.

Language cannot express the awful ire of William the Testy
on hearing of the catastrophe at Fort Goed Hoop. For three
good hours his rage was too great for words, or rather the
words were too great for him (being a very small man), and
he was nearly choked by the misshapen, nine-cornered Dutch
oaths and epithets which crowded at once into his gullet. At
length his words found vent, and for three days he kept up
a constant discharge, anathematising the Yankees, man, wo-
man, and child, for a set of dieven, schobbejacken, deuge-
nieten, twistzoekeren, blaes-kaken, loosen-schalken, kakken-
bedden, and a thousand other names, of which, unfortunately
for posterity, history does not make mention. Finally, he

CHAP. IV.] WILLIAM THE TESTY. 123

swore that he would have nothing more to do with such a squat-
ting, bundling, guessing, questioning, swapping, pumpkin-
eating, molasses-daubing, shingle-splitting, cider-watering,
horse-jockeying, notion-peddling crew — that they might stay
at Fort Goed Hoop and rot, before he would dirty his hands
by attempting to drive them away ; in proof of which he
ordered the new-raised troops to be marched forthwith into
winter quarters, although it was not as yet quite midsummer.
Great despondency now fell upon the city of New- Amsterdam.
It was feared that the conquerors of Fort Goed Hoop, flushed
with victory and apple-brandy, might march on to the capital,
take it by storm, and annex the wliole province to Connecticut.
The name of Yankee became as terrible among the Nieuw-
Nederlanders as was that of Gaul among the ancient Romans ;
insomuch that the good wives of the Manhattoes used it as
a bugbear wherewith to frighten their unruly children.

Every body clamoured around the governor, imploring
him to put the city in a complete posture of defence, and he
listened to their clamours. Nobody could accuse William the
Testy of being idle in time of danger, or at any other time.
He was never idle, but then he was often busy to very little
purpose. When a youngling he had been impressed with
the words of Solomon, " Go to tha ant, thou sluggard,* ob-
serve her ways and be wise," in conformity to which he had
ever been of a restless, ant-like turn ; hurrying hither and
thither, nobody knew why or wherefore, busying himself
about small matters with an air of great importance and
anxiety, and toiling at a grain of mustard-seed in the full
conviction that he was moving a mountain. In the present
instance, he called in all his inventive powers to his aid, and
was continually pondering over plans, making diagrams, and
worrying about with a troop of workmen and projectors at
his heels. At length, after a world of consultation and con-
trivance, his plans of defence ended in rearing a great flag-
staff in the centre of the fort, and perching a wind-mill on
each bastion.

These warlike preparations in some measure allayed the
public alarm, especially after an additional means of securing
the safety of the city had been suggested by the governor's
lady. It has already been hinted in this most authentic
history, that in the domestic establishment of William the
Testy " the grey mare was the better horse ; " in other

124 HISTORY OF NEW- YORK. [bOOK IT,

words, that his wife " ruled the roast," and, in governing the
governor, governed the province, which might thus be said
to be under petticoat government.

Now it came to pass, that about this time there lived in
the Manhattoes a jolly, robustious trumpeter, named Anthony
Van Corlear, famous for his long wind ; and who, as the story
goes, could twang so potently upon his instrument, that the
effect upon all within hearing was like that ascribed to the
Scotch bagpipe when it sings right lustily i' the nose.

This sounder of brass was moreover a lusty bachelor, with
a pleasant, burly visage, a long nose, and huge whiskers. He
had his little bowery, or retreat in the country, where he led
a roystering life, giving dances to the wives and daughters of
the burghers of the Manhattoes, insomuch that he became a
prodigious favourite with all the women, young and old. He
is said to have been the first to collect that famous toll levied
on the fair sex at Kissing Bridge, on the highway to Hell-gate.*

To this sturdy bachelor the eyes of all the women were
turned in this time of darkness and peril, as the very man to
second and carry out the plans of defence of the governor. A
kind of petticoat council was forthwith held at the govern-
ment house, at which the governor's lady presided ; and this
lady, as has been hinted, being all potent with the governor,
the result of these councils was the elevation of Anthony the
Trumpeter to the post of commandant of wind-mills and
champion of New-Amsterdam.

The city being thus fortified and garrisoned, it would have
done one's heart good to see the governor snapping his fingers
and fidgetting with delight, as the trumpeter strutted up and
down the ramparts twanging defiance to the whole Yankee
race, as does a modern editor to all the principalities and
powers on the other side of the Atlantic. In the hands of
Anthony Van Corlear this windy instrument appeared to
him as potent as the horn of the paladin Astolpho, or even the
more classic horn of Alecto ; nay, he had almost the temerity
to compare it with the rams' horns celebrated in holy writ^ at
the very sound of which the walls of Jericho fell down.

Be ail this as it may, the apprehensions of hostilities from

* The bridge here mentioned by Mr. Knickerbocker still exists ; but it
is said that the toll is seldom collected now-a-days excepting on sleighing
parties, by the descendants of the patriarchs, who still preserve the tradi-
tions of the city.

CHAP, v."] WILLIAM THE TESTY. 125

the east gradually died away. The Yankees made no further
invasion ; nay, they declared they had only taken possession
of Fort Goed Hoop as being erected within their territories.
So far from manifesting hostility, they continued to throng to
New-Amsterdam with the most innocent countenances ima-
ginable, tilling the market with their notions, being as ready
to trade with the Nederlanders as ever, and not a whit more
prone to get to the windward of them in a bargain.

The old wives of the Manhattoes who took tea with the
governor's lady attributed all this affected moderation to the
awe inspired by the military preparations of the governor, and
the windy prowess of Anthony the Trumpeter.

There were not wanting illiberal minds, however, who
sneered at the governor for thinking to defend his city as he
governed it, by mere wind ; but William Kieft was not to be
jeered out of his wind-mills; he had seen them perched upon
the rampax'ts of his native city of Saardam, and was persuaded
they were connected with the great science of defence ; nay,
so much piqued was he by having them made a matter of ridi-
cule, that he introduced them into the arms of the city, where
they remain to this day, quartered with the ancient beaver of
the Manhattoes, an emblem and memento of his policy.

I must not omit to mention that certain wise old burghers
of the Manhattoes, skilful in expounding signs and mysteries,
after events have come to pass, consider this early intrusion
of the wind-mill into the escutcheon of our city, which before
had been wholly occupied by the beaver, as portentous of its
after fortune, when the quiet Dutchman would be elbowed
aside by the enterprising Yankee, and patient industry over-
topped by windy speculation.

CHAP. V.

Among the wrecks and fragments of exalted wisdom which
have floated down the stream of time from venerable antiquity,
and been picked up by those humble but industrious wights
who ply along the shores of literature, we find a shrewd ordi-
nance of Charondas the Locrian legislator. Anxious to pre-
serve the judicial code of the state from the additions and
amendments of country members and seekers of popularity, he
ordained that, whoever proposed a new law should do it with

126 HISTOKT OF NEW- YORK. [bOOK IT.

a halter about his neck ; whereby, in case his proposition were
rejected, they just hung him up — and there the matter ended.

The effect was, that for more than two hundred years there
was but one trifling alteration in the judicial code ; and legal
matters were so clear and simple that the whole race of
lawyers starved to death for want of employment. The Loc-
rians, too, being freed from allincitement to litigation, lived very
lovingly together, and were so happy a people that they make
scarce any tigure in history; it being only your litigious, quar-
relsome, rantipole nations who make much noise in the world.

I have been reminded of these historical facts in coming to
treat of the internal policy of William the Testy. Well would
it have been for him had he in the course of his universal ac-
quirements stumbled upon the precaution of the good Charon-
das ; or had he looked neai-er home at the protectorate of Oloffe
the Dreamer, when the community was governed without laws.
Such legislation, however, was not suited to the busy, med-
dling mind of William the Testy. *0n the contrary, he con-
ceived that the true wisdom of legislation consisted in the
multiplicit}'- of laws. He accordingly had great punishments
for great crimes, and little punishments for little offences.
By degrees the whole surface of society was cut up by ditches
and fences, and quickset hedges of the law, and even the se-
questered paths of private life so beset by petty rules and
ordinances, too numerous to be remembered, that one could
scarce walk at large without the risk of letting off a spring-
gun, or falling into a man-trap.

In a little while the blessings of innumerable laws became
apparent ; a class of men arose to expound and confound
them. Petty courts were instituted to take cognisance of
petty offences, pettifoggers began to abound, and the com-
munity was soon set together by the ears.

Let me not be thought as intending any thing derogatory
to the profession of the law, or to the distinguished members
of that illustrious order. Well am I aware that we have in
this ancient city innumerable worthy gentlemen, the knights-
errant of modern days, who go about redressing wrongs and
defending the defenceless, not for the love of filthy lucre, nor
the selfish cravings of renown, but merely for the pleasure of
doing good. Sooner would I throw this trusty pen into the
flames, and cork up my ink-bottle for ever, than infringe even
for a nail's breadth upon the dignity of these truly benevolent

CHAP, v.] WILLIAM THE TESTV. 127

champions of the distressed. On the contrary, I allude merely
to those caitiff scouts who, in these latter days of evil, infest
the skirts of the profession, as did the recreant Cornish knights
of yore, the honourable order of chivalry; who, under its
auspices, commit flagrant wrongs ; who thrive by quibbles,
by quirks and chicanery, and like vermin increase the cor-
ruption in which they are engendered.

Nothing so soon awakens the malevolent passions as the
facility of gratification. The courts of law would never be
so crowded with petty, vexatious, and disgraceful suits, were
it not for the herds of pettifoggers. These tamper with the
passions of the poorer and more ignorant classes ; who, as if
poverty were not a sufficient misery in itself, are ever ready
to embitter it by litigation. These, like quacks in medicine,
excite the malady to profit by the cure, and retard the cure
to augment the fees. As the quack exhausts the constitution,
the pettifogger exhausts the purse ; and as he who has once
been under the hands of a quack, is for ever after prone to
dabble in drugs, and poison himself with infallible prescrip-
tions ; so the client of the pettifogger is ever after prone to
embroil himself with his neighbours, and impoverish him-
self with successful lawsuits. My readers will excuse this
digression into which I have been unwarily betrayed ; but I
could not avoid giving a cool and unprejudiced account of an
abomination too prevalent in this excellent city, and with the
effects of which I am ruefully acquainted, having been nearly
ruined by a lawsuit which was decided against me; and my
ruin having been completed by another, which was decided
in my favour.

To return to our theme. There was nothing in the whole
range of moral offences against which the jurisprudence of
William the Testy was more strenuously directed, than the
crying sin of poverty. He pronounced it the root of all evil,
and determined to cut it up root and branch, and extirpate it
from the land. He had been struck, in the course of his
travels in the old countries of Europe, with the wisdom of
those notices posted up in country towns, that " any vagrant
found begging there would be put in the stocks," and he had
observed, that no beggars were to be seen in these neighbour-
hoods ; having doubtless thrown off their rags and their
poverty, and become rich under the terror of the law. He
determined to improve upon this hint. In a little while a

128 HISTORY OF NEW-YORK. [bOOK IV.

new machine of his own invention was erected hard by Dog's
Misery. This was nothing more nor less than a gibbet, of
a very strange, uncouth, and unmatchable construction, far
more efficacious, as he boasted, than the stocks, for the punish-
ment of poverty. It was for altitude not a whit inferior to
that of Haman, so renowned in Bible history; but the marvel
of the contrivance was, that the culprit, instead of being sus-
pended by the neck according to venerable custom, was hoisted
by the waistband, and kept dangling and sprawling between
heaven and earth for an hour or two at a time, to the infinite
entertainment and edification of the respectable citizens who
usually attend exhibitions of the kind.

Such was the punishment of all petty delinquents, vagrants
and beggars and others detected in being guilty of poverty in
a small way. As to those who had offended on a great scale,
who had been guilty of flagrant misfortunes and enormous
backslidings of the purse, and who stood convicted of large
debts, which they were unable to pay, William Ivieft had
them straightway inclosed within the stone walls of a prison,
there to remain until they should I'eform and grow rich. This
notable expedient, however, does not appear to have been
more efficacious under William the Testy than in more mo-
dern days, it being found that the longer a poor devil was
kept in prison the poorer he grew.

CHAP. VI.

Kext to his projects for the suppression of poverty, may be
classed those of William the Testy for increasing the wealth
of New-Amsterdam. Solomon, of whose character for wisdom
the little governor was somewhat emulous, had made gold
and silver as plenty as the stones in the streets of Jerusalem.
William Kieft could not pretend to vie with him as to the
precious metals, but he determined, as an equivalent, to flood
the streets of New- Amsterdam with Indian money. This was
nothing more nor less than strings of beads wrought out of
clams, periwinkles, and other shell-fish, and called seawant or
wampum. These had formed a native currency among the
simple savages, who were content to take them of the Dutch-
men in exchange for peltries. In an unlucky moment, William
the Testy, seeing this money of easy production, conceived

CHAP. VI.] "^^^LLIAM the testy. 129

the project of makins; it the current coin of the province. It
is true it had an intrinsic value among the Indians, wlio used
it to ornament their robes and mocassins ; but, among: the
honest burghers, it had no more intrinsic value than those
rags which form the paper currency of modern days. This
consideration, however, had no weight with William Kieft.
He began by paying all the servants of the company, and all
the debts of government, in strings of wampum. He sent
emissaries to sweep the shores of Long Island, Avhich was the
Ophir of this modern Solomon, and abounded in sliell-fish.
These were transported in loads to New- Amsterdam, coined
into Indian money, and launched into circulation.

And now, for a time, affairs went on swimmingly ; money
became as plentiful as in the modern days of paper currency,
and, to use the popular phrase, " a wonderful impulse was
given to public prosperity." Yankee traders poured into the
province, buying every thing they could lay their hands on,
and paying the worthy Dutchmen their own price — in Indian
money. If the latter, however, attempted to pay the Yankees
in the same coin, for their tinware and wooden bowls, the case
was altered ; nothing would do but Dutch guilders, and such
Jike " metallic currency." What was worse, the Yankees
introduced an inferior kind of wampum, made of oyster shells,
with which they deluged the province, carrying off in ex-
change all the silver and gold, the Dutch herrings, and Dutch
cheeses : thus early did the knowing men of the east mani-
fest their skill in bargaining the New-Amsterdammers out
of the oyster, and leaving them the shell.*

It was a long time before William the Testy was made
sensible how completely his grand project of finance was

* In a manuscript record of the province, dated 1659, Libraiy of the
New York Historical Society, is the following mention of Indian money :
— " Scaiontif, alias wampum. Beads manufactured from the Quahang or
whelk, a shell-fish formerly abounding on our coasts, but lately of more
rare occun'cnce, of two colours, black and white ; the former twice the
value of the latter. Six beads of the white and three of the black for an
English penny. The seawant depreciates from time to time. The New
England people make use of it as a means of barter, not only to carry
aw.i}' the best cargoes wiiich we send thither, hut to accumulate a large
quantity of beavers and other furs, by which the company is defrauded of
her revenues, and the mei'chants disappointed in making returns with
that speed with which they might wish to meet their engagements ; while
their commissioners and the inhabitants remain ovei'stocked with seawant, a
sort of currency of no value except with the New-Ncthcrland savages," &c.

K

130 HISTORY OF NEW- YORK. [bOOK IV.

turned a,2:aii)st liim by his eastern neighbours ; nor would
he probably have ever found it out, had not tidings been
brought him that the Yankees had made a descent upon Long
Island, and had established a kind of mint at Oyster Bay,
■where they were coining up all the oyster banks. —

Now this was making a vital attack upon the province in
n double sense, financial and gastronomical. Ever since the
council dinner of Oloffe the Dreamer, at the founding of New-
Amsterdam, at which banquet the oyster figured so conspicu-
ously, this divine shell-fish has been held in a kind of supersti-
tious reverence at the Manhattoes ; as witness the temples
erected to its cult in every street and lane and alley. In
fact, it is the standard luxury of the place, as is the terrapin
at Philadelphia, the soft crab at Baltimore, or the canvas-
back at Washington.

The seizure of Oyster Bay, therefore, was an outrage not
merely on the pockets, but the larders of the New-Amster-
dammers ; the whole community was aroused, and an oyster
crusade was immediately set on foot against the Yankees.
Every stout trencherman hastened to the standard ; nay,
some of the most corpulent burgomasters and schepens joined
the expedition as a corps de reserve, only to be called into
action when the sacking commenced.

The conduct of the expedition was intrusted to a valiant
Dutchman, who, for size and weight, might have matched with
Colbrand, the Danish champion, slain by Guy of Warwick.
He Avas famous throughout the px'ovince for strength of arm
and skill at quarter-staff", and hence was named Stoffel Brin-
kerhotf; or rather, Brinkerhoofd ; that is to stay, Stoffel the
Head-breaker.

This sturdy commander, who was a man of few words but
vigorous deeds, led his troops I'esolutely on through Nineveh,
and Babylon, and Jericho, and Patch-hog, and other Long
Island towns, without encountering any difficulty of note ;
though it is said that some of the burgomasters gave out at
Hartl-scramble Hill and Hungry Hollow ; and that others
lost heart, and turned back at Puss-panick. With the rest
he made good his march until he arrived in the.neigbbour-
hood of Oyster Bay.

Here he wa? encountered by a host of Yankee warriors,
headed l)y Preserved Fish, and Habakkuk Nutter, and Re-
turn Strong, and Zerubbabel Fisk, and Determined Cock I at
the sound of whose names Stoffel Brinkerhoff" verily believed

CHAP. VII.] WILLIAM THE TESTY. 131

the vhole parliament of Praise-God Barebones had been let
loose upon him. He soon found, however, that they were
merely the "select men" of the settlement, armed with no
weapon but the tongue, and disposed only to meet him on the
field of argument. Stoffel had but one mode of arguing —
tliat was, with the cudgel ; but he used it with such effect
that-iie routed his antagonists, broke up the settlement, and
Avould have di-iven the inhabitants into the sea, if they had
not managed to escape across the Sound to the mainland by
the Devil's stepping-stones, which remain to this day monu-
ments of this great Dutch victory over the Yankees.

Stoffel Brinkerhoff made great spoil of oysters and clams,
coined and uncoined, and then set out on his return to tlie
Manhattoes. A grand triumph, after the manner of the
ancients, Avas prepared for him by William the Testy. He
entered New- Amsterdam as a conqueror, mounted on a iSTai'-
raganset pacer. Five dried codfish on poles, standards taken
from the enemy, were borne before him ; and an immense
store of oysters and clams, Weathersfield onions, and Yankee
"notions" formed the spolia oj)ima; while several coiners of
oyster shells were led captive to grace the hero's triumph.

The procession was accompanied by a full band of boys
and negroes, performing on the popular instruments of rattle-
bones and clam-shells, while Anthony Van Corlear sounded
his trumpet from the ramparts.

A great banquet was served up in the stadthouse from the
clams and oysters taken from the enemy, while the governor
sent the shells privately to the mint, and had them coined
into Indian money, with which he paid his troops.

It is moreover said that the governor, calling to mind the
practice among the ancients to honour t!ieir victorious generals
with public statues, passed a magnanimous decree, hj Avhich
every tavern-keeper was permitted to paint the head of
Stoffel Brinkerhoff upon his sign !

CHAP. VII.

It has been remarked by the observant writer of the Stuyve-
aant manuscript, that under the administration of William
Kieft the disposition of the inhabitants of New- Amsterdam
experienced an essential change, so that they became x^sy

132 HISTORY OF NEW- YORK. [bOOK IT.

meddlesome and factious. Tlie unfortunate propensity of the
little governor to experiment and innovation, and the fre-
quent exacerbations of his temper, kept his council in a con-
tinual worry ; and the council being to the people at large
what yeast or leaven is to a batch, they threw the whole com-
munity in a ferment ; and the people at large being to the
city what the mind is to the body, the unhappy commotions
they underwent operated most disastrously upon New- Am-
sterdam ; insomuch that, in certain of their paroxysms of
consternation and perplexity, they begat several of the most
crooked, distorted, and abominable streets, lanes, and alleys,
with which this metropolis is disfigured.

The fact was, that about this time the community, like Ba-
laam's ass, began to grow more enlightened than its rider,
and to show a disposition for what is called "self-government."
This restive propensity was first evinced in certain popular
meetings, in which the burghers of New- Amsterdam met to
talk and smoke over the complicated affairs of the province,
gradually obfuscating themselves with politics and tobacco-
smoke. Hither resorted those idlers and squires of low de-
gree, who hang loose on society and are blown about by every
Avind of doctrine. Cobblers abandoned their stalls to give
lessons on political economy ; blacksmiths suffered their fires
to go out, while they stirred up the fires of faction ; and even
tailors, though said to be the ninth parts of humanity, neglected
their oAvn measures to criticise the measures of government.

Strange ! that the science of government, which seems to
be so generally iniderstood, should invariably be denied to
the only one called upon to exercise it. Not one of the poli-
ticians in question, but, take his word for it, could have ad-
ministered affairs ten times better than William the Testy.

Under the instructions of these political oracles, the good
people of New-Amsterdam soon became exceedingly enlight-
ened ; and, as a matter of course, exceedingly discontented.
They gradually found out the fearful error in which they
had indulged, of thinking themselves the happiest people in
creation ; and were convinced that, all circumstances to the
contrary notwithstanding, they were a very unhappy, deluded,
and consequently ruined people !

We are naturally prone to discontent, and avaricious after
imaginary causes of lamentation. Like lubberly monks, we
belabour our own shoulders, and take a vast satisfaction in the

CHAP. Aail.] WILLIAM THE TESTY. 133

music of our own groans. Nor is this said by wny of para-
dox ; daily experience shows the truth of these observations.
It is ahiiost impossible to elevate the spirits of a man groaning
xmder ideal calamities ; but nothing is easier than to render
him wretched, though on the pinnacle of felicity : as it would
be an Herculean task to hoist a man to the top of a steeple,
though the merest cliild could topple him off" thence.

I must not omit to mention, that these popular meetings
■were generally held at some noted tavern ; these public edi-
fices possessing what in modern times are tliought the true
fountains of political inspiration. The ancient Germans d.e-
liberated upon a matter when drunk, and reconsidered it when
sober. Mob politicians in modern times dislike to have two
minds upon a subject, so they both deliberate and act when
drunk ; by this means a world of delay is spared ; and as it
is universally allowed that a man Avhen drunk sees double, it
follows conclusively that he sees twice as well as his sober
neighbours.

CHAP. VIII.

WiLiiELiics KiEFT, as has already been observed, was a great
legislator on a small scale, and had a microscopic eye in public
affairs. He had been greatly annoyed by the factious meetings
of the good people of New-Amstei'dam, but oljserving that on
these occasions the pipe was ever in their moutli, he began to
think that the pipe was at the bottom of the affair, and that
there was some mysterious affinity betw^een politics and tobacco
smoke. Determined to strike at the root of the evil, he began
forthwith to rail at tobacco, as a noxious, nauseous weed, filthy
in all its uses ; and as to smoking, he denounced it as a heavy
tax upon the public pocket, a vast consumer of time, a great
cncourager of idleness, and a deadly bane to the prosperity
and morals of the people. Fin:dly he issued an edict, prohi-
biting the smoking of tobacco throughout the New-Nether-
lands. Ill-fated Kieft ! Had he lived in the present age and
attempted to check the unbounded license of tiie press, he
could not have struck more sorely upon the sensibilities of the
million. The pipe, in fact, was the great organ of reflection
and deliberation of the New-Netherlander. It was his con-
stant companion and solace — was he gay, he smoked ; was he
sad, he smoked ; his pipe wa-^ never out of his mouth ; it was

K o

134 HISTORY OF XEW-rOKK. [liOOK IV,

a part of his physiognomy ; Avithout it liis best friends would
not know him. Take away his pipe ? You might as well take
away his nose!

The immediate effect of the edict of William the Testy was
a popular commotion. A vast multitude, armed with pipes
and tobacco-boxes, and an immense supply of ammunition,
sat themselves down before the governor's house, and fell to
smoking with tremendous violence. The testy William issued
forth, like a wrathful spider, demanding the reason of this
lawless fumigation. The sturdy rioters replied by lolling
back in their seats, and puffing away with redoubled fury,
raising such a murky cloud that the governor was fain to take
refuge in the interior of his castle.

A long negociation ensued through the medium of Antony
tlie Trumpeter. The governor was at first wrathful and un-
yielding, but was gradually smoked into terms. He concluded
by permitting the smoking of tobacco, but he abolished the
fixir long pipes used in the days of Wouter Van Twiller, de-
noting ease, tranquillity, and sobriety of deportment ; these
he condemned as incompatible with the dispatch of business ;
in place whereof he substituted little captious short pipes, two
inches in length, which, he observed, could be stuck in one
corner of the mouth, or twisted in the hatband, and would
never be in the way. Thus ended this alarming insurrection,
which was long known by the name of the Pipe Plot, and
which, it has been somewhat quaintly observed, did end, like
most plots and seditions, in mere smoke.

But mark, 0 reader ! the deplorable evils which did after-
wards result. The smoke of these villanous little pipes, con-
tinually ascending in a cloud about the nose, penetrated into
and befogged the cerebellum ; dried up all the kindly mois-
ture of the brain, and rendered the people who used them as
vapourish and testy as the governor himself. Nay, what is
worse, from being goodly, burly, sleek-conditioned men, they
became, like our Dutch yeomanry who smoke short pipes, a
lantern jawed, smoke-dried, leathern-hided race.

Nor was this all. From this fatal schism in tobacco pipes
Ave may date the rise of parties in the Nieuw-Nederlandts.
The rich and self-important burghers who had made their
fortunes, and could afford to be lazy, adhered to the ancient
fashion, and formed a kind of aristocracy known as the Long
Pipes ; while the lower order, adopting the reform of William

CHAP. Vni.] -WILLIAM THE TESTY. 1 3o

Ivieft as more convenient in their handicraft employments,
were branded with the plebeian name of Short Pipes.

A third party sprang up, headed by the descendants of
Eobert Chewit, the companion of the great Hudson. These
discarded pipes altogether, and took to chewing tobacco ;
hence they were called Quids ; an appellation since given to
those political mongrels, which sometimes spring up between
two great parties, as a mule is produced between a horse and
an ass.

And here I Avonld note the great benefit of party dis-
tinctions in saving the people at large the trouble of thinking.
Hesiod divides mankind into three classes, those who think
for themselves, those who think as others think, and those
■who do not think at all. The second class comprises tlie great
mass of society ; for most people require a set creed and a
file-leader. Hence the origin of party, which means a large
body of people, some few of whom think, and all the rest talk.
The former take the lead and discipline the latter, prescribing
what they must say, what they must approve, what they must
hoot at, whom they must support, but, above all, whom they
must hate ; for no one can be a right good partisan, who is
not a thorough-going hater.

The enlightened inhabitants of the Manhattoes, therefore,
being divided into parties, were enabled to hate each other
with great accuracy. And now the great business of politics
went bravely on, the Long Pipes and Short Pipes assen^bling
in separate beer-houses, and smoking at each other with im-
placable vehemence, to the great support of the state, and
profit of the tavern-keepers. Some, indeed, went so far as to
bespatter their adversaries with those odoriferous little words
which smell so stz'ong in the Dutch language ; believing, like
true politicians, that they served their party and glorified
themselves in proportion as they bewrayed their neighbours.
But, however they might differ among tiiemselves, all parties
agreed in abusing the governor, seeing that he was not a
governor of their choice, but appointed by others to rule over
them.

Unhappy William Kicft ! exclaims the sage writer of the
Stuyvesant manuscript, doomed to contend with enemies too
knowing to be entrapped, and to reign over a people too wise
to be governed. All his foreign expeditions were battled and
set at naught by the all-pervading Yankees ; all his home

K 4

136 HISTORY OF NEW- YORK. [bOOK IV.

measures were canvassed and condemned by '• numerous and
respectable meetings " of pot-house politicians.

In the multitude of counsellors, we are told, there is safety;
but the multitude of counsellors was a continual source of jier-
plexity to William Kieft. AYith a temperament as hot as an
old radish, and a mind subject to perpetual whirlwinds aud
tornadoes, he never failed to get into a passion with every one
who undertook to advise him. I have observed, however,
that your passionate little men, like small boats with large
sails, are easily upset or blown out of their course ; so was it
Avith William the Testy, who was prone to be carried away
by the last piece of advice blown into his ear. The conse-
quence was, that though a projector of the iirst class, yet, by
continually changing his projects, he gave none a fair trial ;
and by endeavouring to do everything, he, in sober truth, did
nothing.

In the meantime the sovereign people having got into the
saddle, showed themselves, as usual, unmerciful riders ; spur-
ring on the little governor with harangues and petitions, and
thwarting him with memorials and reproaches, in much the
same way as holiday apprentices manage an unlucky devil of
a hack-horse ; so that \Yilhelmus Kieft was kept at a worry
or a gallop throughout the whule of his administration.

CHAP. IX.

iv we could but get a peep at the tally of Dame Fortune,
where like a vigilant landlady she chalks up the debtor and
creditor accounts of thoughtless mortals, we should lind that
every good is checked olf by an evil; and that however we
may apparently revel scot-free for a season, the time will come
when Ave must ruefully pay olf the reckoning. Fortune, in
fact, is a pestilent shrew, and, withal, an inexorable creditor ;
and though for a time she may be all smiles and courtesies, and
indulge us in long credits, yet sooner or later she brings up-
her arrears with a vengeance, and washes out her scores witb
our tears. '• Since," says good old Boetius, " no man can
retain her at his pleasure, what are her favours but sure
prognostications of approaching trouble and calamity?"

This is the fundamental maxim of that sage school of phi-
losophers, the Croakers, wiio esteem it true wisdom to doubt

CHAP. IX.] AVILLIAM THE TESTY. 137

and despond when other men rejoice, well knowing that hap-
piness is at best but transient ; that the higher one is elevated
on the see-saw balance of fortune, the lower must be his sub-
sequent depression ; that he who is on the uppermost round
of a ladder has most to suffer from a fall, while he who is at
the bottom runs very little risk of breaking his neck by tum-
bling to the top.

Philosophical readers of this stamp must have doubtless in-
dulged in dismal forebodings all through the tranquil reign of
Walter the Doubter, and considered it what Dutch seamen call
a weather-breeder. They will not be surprised, therefore, that
the foul weather which gathered during his days, should now
be rattling from all quarters on the head of William the Testy.
The origin of some of these troubles may be traced quite
back to the discoveries and annexations of Hans Reinier
Oothout, the explorer, and Wynant Ten Breeches, the land-
measurer, made in the twilight days of Olotfe the Dreamer,
by which the territories of the Nieuw-Nederlandts were car-
ried far to the south, to Delaware river and pai'ts beyond.
The consequence was many disputes and brawls with the
Indians, which now and then reached the drowsy ears of
Walter the Doubter and his council, like the muttering of
distant thunder from behind the mountains, without, how-
ever, disturbing their repose. It was not till the time of
William the Testy that the thunderbolt reached the Man-
hattoes. While the little governor was diligently protecting
his eastern boundaries from the Yankees, word was brought
him of the irruption of a vagrant colony of Swedes in the
south, who had landed on the banks of the Delaware, and dis-
played the banner of that redoubtable virago Queen Christina,
and taken possession of the country in her name. These had
been guided in their expedition by one Peter Minuits or
]\iinnewits, a renegade Dutchman, formerly in the service of
their High Mightinesses ; but who now declared himself go-
vernor of all the surrounding country, to which was given the
liame of the province of Nkw Sweden.

It is an old saying, that '• a little pot is soon hot," which
was the case with William the Testy. Being a little man he
was soon in a passion, and once in a passion he soon boiled
over. Summoning his council on the receipt of this news,
he belaboured the Swedes in the longest speech that had been
heard in the colony since the wordy warfare of Ten Breeches

138 HISTORY OF NEW-YOUK. [bOOK TV.

and Tough Breeches. Having thus taken off the fire-edge of
his valour, he resorted to his favourite measure of procla-
mation, and dispatched a document of the kind, ordering the
renegade JNIinnewits and his gang of Swedish vagabonds to
leave the country immediately, under pain of the vengeance
of their High Mightinesses the Lords States General, and of
the potentates of the Manhattoes.

This strong measure was not a whit more effectual than its
predecessors which had been thundered against the Yankees,
and AVilliam Kieft was preparing to follow it up with some-
thing still more formidable, when lie received intelligence of
other invaders on his southern frontier, who had taken pos-
session of the banks of the Schuylkill, and built a fort there.
They were represented as a gigantic, gunpowder race of men,
exceedingly expert at boxing, biting, gouging, and other
branches of the rough-and-tumble mode of warfare, which
they had learned from their prototypes and cousins-german,
the Virginians, to whom they have ever borne considerable
resemblance. Like them, too, they were great roisters, much
given to revel on hoe-cake and bacon, mint-julep and apple-
toddy ; whence their newly i'ormed colony had already ac-
quired the name of Merryland, which, with a slight modifi-
cation, it retains to the present day.

In fact, the Merrylanders and their cousins, the Virginians,
were represented to William Kieft as olfsets from the same
original stock as his bitter enemies the Yanokie, or Yankee,
tribes of the east ; having both come over to this country for
the liberty of conscience, or, in other words, to live as they
pleased ; the Yankees taking to praying and money-making,
and converting Quakers, and the Southerners to horse-racing
and cock-fighting and breeding negroes.

Against these new invaders Wilhelmus Kieft immediately
dispatched a naval armament of two sloops and thirty men,
under Jan Jansen Alpendam, Avho was armed to the very
teeth with one of the little governor's most powerful speeches,
written in vigorous Low Dutch.

Admiral Alpendam ari-ived Avithout accident in the Schuyl-
kill, and came upon the enemy just as they were engaged in a
gi'eat "barbecue," a kind of festivity or carouse much practised
in Merrjdand. Opening upon them with the speech of Wil-
liam the Testy, he denounced them as a pack of lazy, canting,
julep-tipling, cock-fighting, hoi'se-racing, slave-driving, ta-

CHAP. X.] WILLIAJM THE TESTY. 139

vei'n-haunting, Sabbath-breaking, mulatto-breeding upstarts ;
and concluded by ordering them to evacuate the country im-
mediately ; to which they laconically replied, in plain English,

" They'd see him d d first ! "

Now this was a reply on which neither Jan Janseu Al-
pendam nor Wilhelmus Kiel't had made any calculation. Find-
ing himself, therefore, totally unprepared to answer so ter-
rible a rebuff with suitable hostility, the admiral concluded
his wisest course would be to return home and report pro-
gress. He accordingly steered his course back to New- Am-
sterdam, where he arrived safe, having accomplished this
hazardous enterprise at small expense of treasure, and no
loss of life. His saving policy gained him the universal ap-
pellation of the Saviour of his Country, and his services were
suitably rewarded by a shingle monument, erected by sub-
scription on the top of Flattenbarrack Hill, where it immor-
talised his name for three whole years, when it fell to pieces
and was burnt for firewood.

\

CHAP. X.

About this time, the testy little governor of the New-Ne*
therlands appears to have had his iiands full, and, with one
annoyance and the other, to have been kept continually on the
bounce. He was on the very point of following up tlie ex-
pedition of Jan Jansen Alpendara by some belligerent mea-
sures against the marauders of JMerryland, when his attention
was suddenly called away by beUigerent troubles springing
up in another quarter, the seeds of which had been sown in
the tranquil days of Walter the Doubter.

Tlie reader will recollect the deep doubt into which that
most pacific governor was thrown, on Killian Van Rensellaer's
taking possession of Bearn Island by wapen recht. While
the governor doubted and did nothing, the lordly Killian went
on to complete his sturdy little castellum of Rensellaersteen,
and to garrison it with a number of his tenants from the
Helderberg, a mountain region famous for tlie hardest heads
and hardest fists in the province. Nicholas Koorn, a faithful
squire of the patroon, accustomed to strut at his heels, wear
his cast-off clothes, and imitate his lofty bearing, was esta-
blished in tliis post as wacht-meestcr. His duty it was to

140 HISTORY OF XEW-YORK. [bOOK IV.

keep an eye on the river, and oblige every vessel that passed,
unless on the service of their High IMiglitinesses, to strike its
flag, lower its peak, and pay toll to theLordof Rensellaersteiin.

This assumption of sovereign authority within the territo-
I'ies of the Lords States General, however it might have been
tolerated by Walter the Doubtei', had been sharply contested
by William the Testy, on coming into office, and many written
remonstrances had been addressed by him to Kiilian Van
Reusellaer, to which the latter never deigned a reply. Thus
by degrees a sore place, or, in Hibernian parlance, a raw, liad
been established in the irritable soul of the little governor,
insomuch that he winced at the very name of Rensellaersteen.

Now it came to pass that, on a fine sunny day, the com-
pany's yacht, the Half-Moon, having been on one of its stated
visits 10 Fort Aurania, was quietly tiding it down the Hud-
son ; the commander, Govert Lockerman, a veteran Dutch
skipper of few w^ords but great bottom, was seated on the
liigh poop, quietly smoking his pipe, under the shadow of the
pi'oud flag of Orange, when, on arriving abreast of Beam
Island, he was saluted by a stentorian voice from the shore,
" Lower thy flag, and be d d to thee ! "

Govert Lockerman, "without taking his pipe out of his
mouth, turned up his eye from under his broad-briimned hat
to see who hailed him thus discourteously. There, on the
ramparts of the fort, stood Nicholas Koorn, armed to the
teeth, flourishing a brass-hilted swoi'd, while a steeple-crowned
hat and cock's tail-feather, formerly worn by Kiilian Van Ren-
sellaer himself, gave an inexpressible loftiness to his demeanour.

Govert Lockerman eyed the warrior from top to toe, but
was not to be dismayed. Taking the pipe slowly out of his
mouth, " To whom should I lower my flag ?" demanded he.
'• To the high and mighty Kiilian Van Rensellaer, the lord
of Rensellaersteen ! " was the reply.

" I lower it to none but the Prince of Orange and my
masters, the Lords States General." So saying, he resumed
liis pipe and smoked with an air of dogged determination.

Bang! went a gun from the fortress; the bailout both
sail and rigging. Govert Lockerman said nothing, but
smoked the more doggedly.

Bang! went another gun ; the shot whistling close astern.

" Fire, and be d d," cried Govert Lockerman, crara-

ming a new charge of tobacco into his pipe, and smoking
with still increasinir vehemence.

cifAp. XI.] ^^^LLIA^r the testt. 141

Bangc! Avcnt a tliird gun. The shot passed over Ins head,
tearing a hole in the " princely flag of Orange."

This was the hardest trial of all for the pride and patience,
of Govert Lockerraan ; he maintained a stubborn though
swelling silence, but his smothered rage might be perceived
by the short vehement puffs of smoke emitted from his pipe,
by which he might be tracked for miles, as he slowly floated
out of shot and out of sight of Beam Island. In fact, he
never gave vent to his passion until he got fairly among the
Highlands of the Hudson, when he let fly whole volleys of
Dutch oaths, which are said to linger to this very day among
the echoes of the Dunderberg, and to give particular effect
to the thunder-storms in that neighbourhood.

It was the sudden apparition of Govert Lockerman at
Dog's Misery, bearing in his hand the tattered flag of Orange,
that arrested the attention of William the Testy, just as he
was devising a new expedition against the marauders of Mer-
ryland. I will not pretend to describe the passion of the
little man when he heard of the outrage of Rensellaersteiin.
Suffice it to say, in the first transports of his fury, he turned
Dog's Misery topsy-turvy, kicked every cur out of doors, and
threw the cats out of the window ; after which, his spleen
being in some measure relieved, he went into a council of
war wMth Govert Lockerman, the skipper, assisted by An-
tony Van Corlear, the trumpeter.

CHAP. XI.

The eyes of all New-Amsterdam were now turned to see
what would be the end of tliis direful feud between William
the Testy and the patroon of llensellaerwick ; and some, ob-
serving the consultations of the governor with the skipper
and the trumpeter^ predicted warlike measures by sea and
land. The wrath of William Kieft, however, though quick
to rise, was quick to evaporate. He was a perfect brush-heap
in a blaze, snapping and crackling for a time, and then ending
in smoke. Likemanyotlier valiant potentates, his first thoughts
were all for war, his sober second thoughts for diplomacy.

Accordingly Govert Lockerman was once more dispatched
up the river in the company's yacht, the Goed Hoop, bearing
Antony the Trumpeter as ambassador, to treat with the bet-

142 HISTORY OF NEW- YORK. [ BOOK IV.

ligerent powei's of Rensellaersteen. In the fulness of time
the yacht arrived before Beam Ishind, and Antony the Trum-
peter, mounting the poop, sounded a parley to the fortress.
In a little while tlie steeple-crowned hat of Nicholas Koorn,
the wacht-meester, rose above the battlements, followed by
his iron visage, and ultimately his whole person, armed, as
before, to the very teeth ; while one by one a whole row of
Helderbergers reared their round burly heads above the wall,
and beside each pumpkin-head peered the end of a rusty
musket. Nothing daunted by this formidable array, Antony
Van Corlear drew forth and read with audible voice a mis-
sive from William the Testy, protesting against the usurpa-
tion of Beam Island, and ordering the garrison to quit the
premises, bag and baggage, on pain of the vengeance of the
potentate of the Manhattoes.

In reply, the wacht-meester applied the thumb of his right
hand to the end of his nose, and the thumb of the left hand
to the little finger of the right, and spj'eading each hand like
a fan, made an aerial flourish with his fingers. Antony Van
Corlear was sorely perplexed to understand this sign, which
seemed to him something mysterious and masonic. Not
liking to betray his ignorance, he again read with a loud voice
the missive of William the Testy, and again Nicholas Koorn
applied the thumb of his right hand to the end of his nose, and
the thumb of his left hand to the little finger of the right, and
repeated this kind of nasal Aveather-cock. Antony Van Cor-
lear now persuaded himself that this Avas some short-hand
sign or symbol, current in diplomacy, which, though unin-
telligible to a new diplomat like himself, would speak volumes
to tlie experienced intellect of William the Testy ; consider-
ing his embassy therefore at an end, he sounded his trumpet
with great complacency, and set sail on his return down the
river, every now and then practising this mysterious sign of
the wacht-meester, to keep it accurately in mind.

Arrived at New-Amsterdam, he made a faithful report of
his embassy to the governor, accompanied by a manual ex-
hibition of the response of Nicholas Koorn, The governor
was equally perplexed with his ambassador. He was deeply
versed in the mysteries of freemasonry, but they threw no
light on the matter. He knew every variety of wnnd-mill and
weather-cock, but was not a whit the wiser as to the aerial
sign in question. He had even dabbled in Egyptian hiero-

CHAP. XI.] AVILLIAM THE TESTY. 143

jjlypliics, and the mystic symbols of the obelisks, but none
fui-nished a key to the reply of Nicholas Koorn. He called
a meeting of his council, Antony Van Corlear stood forth
in the midst, and putting the thumb of his right liand to his
nose, and the thumb of his left hand to the finger of the right,
he gave a faithful fac-simile of the portentous sign. Having
a nose of unusual dimensions, it was as if the reply had been
put in capitals, but all in vain ; the wortliy burgomasters
were equally perplexed Avith the governor. Each one put
his thumb to the end of his nose, spread his fingers like a fan,
imitated the motion of Antony Van Corlear, and then smoked
on in dubious silence. Several times was Antony obliged
to stand forth like a fugleman and repeat the sign, and each
time a circle of nasal vi^eather-cocks might be seen in the
council chamber.

Perjilexed in the extreme, William the Testy sent for all
the soothsayers and fortunetellers and wise men of the Man-
hattoes, but none could interpret the mysterious reply of
Nicholas Koorn. The council broke up in sore perplexity.
The matter got abroad, Antony Van Corlear was stopped at
every corner to repeat the signal to a knot of anxious news-
mongers, each of whom departed with his thumb to his nose
and his fingers in the air, to carry the story home to his family.
For several days all business was neglected in New-Amster-
dam ; nothing was talked of but the diplomatic mission of
Antony the Trumpeter, nothing was to be seen but knots of
politicians, with their thumbs to their noses. In the mean-
time the fierce feud between William the Testy and Killian
Van Rensellaer, which at first had menaced deadly warfare,
gradually cooled off, like many other war questions, in the
prolonged delays of diplomacy.

Still, to this early aflfair of Renscllaersteen may be traced
the remote origin of those windy wars in modern days which
rage in the bowels of the Ilelderberg, and have well nigh
shaken the great patroonship of the Van Rensellaers to its
foundation ; for we are told that the bully-boys of the Helder-
berg, who served under Nicholas Koorn, the wacht-meester,
carried back to their mountains the hieroglyphic sign which
had so sorely puzzled Antony Van Corlear and the sages of the
Manhattoes ; so that, to the present day, the thumb to the nose
and the fingers intlie air is apt to be the reply of the Helder-
bergers whenever called upon for any long arrears of rent.

144 HISTORY OF NEW-YORK. [bOOK IV.

CHAP. XII.

It was asserted by tlie wise men of ancient times, who had a
nearer opportunity of ascertaining the fact, that at the gate
of Jupiter's palace lay two huge tuns, one filled with blessings,
the other with misfortunes ; and it would verily seem as if the
latter had been completely overturned, and lel't to deluge the
unlucky province of Nieuw-Nederlandts : for about this time,
while harassed and annoyed from the south and the north, in-
cessant forays were made by the border chivalry of Connec-
ticut upon the pig-styes and hen-roosts of the Nederlanders.
Every day or two some broad-bottomed express-rider, covered
with mud and mire, would come floundering into the gate of
Kew- Amsterdam, freighted with some new tale of aggi'ession
from the frontier ; whereupon Antony Van Corlear, seizing
his trumpet, the only substitute for a newspaper in those pri-
mitive days, would sound the tidings from the ramparts with
such doleful notes and disastrous cadence, as to throw half the
old women in the city into hysterics ; all which tended greatly
to increase his popularity, there being nothing for which the
public are more grateful than being frequently treated to a
panic, — a secret well known to modern editors.

But, oh, ye powers! into what a paroxysm of passion did
each new outrage of the Yankees throw the choleric little
governor ! Letter after letter, protest after protest, bad Latin,
worse English, and hideous low Dutch, were incessantly ful-
minated upon them, and the four-and-twenty letters of the
alphabet, which formed his standing army, were worn out by
constant campaigning. All, however, was ineffectual; even
the recent victory at Oyster Bny, which had shed such a gleam
of sunshine between the clouds of his foul-weather reign, was
soon followed by a more fearful gathering up of those clouds
and indications of more portentous tempest ; for the Yankee
tribe on the banks of the Connecticut, finding on this raemor
able occasion their incompetency to cope in fair figlit with the
sturdy chivalry of the Manhattoes, had called to tlieir aid all
the ten tribes of their brethren who inhabit the east country,
which from them has derived the name of Yankee land. This
call was promptly responded to. The consequence was a great
confederacy of the tribes of Massachusetts, Connecticut, New-
Plymouth and New-Haven, under the title of the " United
Colonies of New England;" the pretended object of which

CHAP, xn.] williajM the tksty. 145

was mutual defence ajjainst the savnges, but the real object
the subjugation of the Nieuw-Nederlandts.

For, to let the reader into one of the greatest secrets of
history, the Nieuw-Nederlandts had long been regarded by the
Avhole Yankee race as the modern land of promise, and tliem-
selves as the chosen and peculiar people destined, one day or
other, by hook or by crook, to get possession of it. In truth,
tliej are a wonderful and all-prevalent people ; of that class
who only require an incli to gain an ell, or a halter to gain a
horse. From the time they first gained a foothold on Plymouth
Rock, they began to migrate, progressing and progressing from
place to place, and land to land, making a little here and a
little there, and controverting the old proverb, that a rolling
stone gathers no moss. Hence they have facetiously received
the nickname of The Pilgubis ; that is to say, a people who
are always seeking a better country than their own.

The tidings of this great Yankee league struck William
Ivieft with dismay, and for once in his life he forgot to bounce
on receiving a disagreeable piece of intelligence. In fact, on
turning over in his mind all that he had read at the Hague
about leagues and combinations, he found that this was a coun-
terpart of the Ampliictyonic league, by which the states of
Greece attained such power and supremacy; and the very
idea made his heart quake for the safety of his empire at the
INIanhattoes.

The affairs of the confederacy were manaijed by an annual
council of delegates held at Boston, which Kieft denominated
the Delphos of this truly classic league. The veiy first meet-
ing gave evidence of hostility to the New-Nederlanders, who
were charged, in their dealings with the Indians, with carrying
on a traffic in "guns, powther, and shott — a ti-ade damnable
and injurious to the colonists." It is true the Connecticut
traders were fain to dablde a little in this damnable traffic ;
but then they always dealt in Avliat were termed Yankee
guns, ingeniously calculated to burst in the pagan hands
which used them.

The rise of this potent confederacy was a death-blow to tiie
glory of William the Testy, for from that day forward he never
]i(;ld up his head, but appeared quite crest-fallen. It is true,
as the grand council augmented in power, and the league,
rolling onward, gathered about the red hills of New-IIaven,
threatening to overwhelm the Nieuw-Ncderlandts, he con-

L

146 IIISXOUY OF NEW- YORK. [bOOK IV.

tinued occasionally to fulminate proclamations and protests,
as a shrewd sea-captain firc^s his guns into a ■\vater-spout ; but,
alas ! they had no more effect than so many blank cartridges.

Thus end the authenticated chronicles of the reign of
William the Testy ; for henceforth, in the troubles, perplex-
ities, and confusion of the times, he seems to have been totally
overlooked, and to have slipped for ever through the fingers
of scrupulous history. It is a matter of deep concern that
such obscurity should hang over his latter days ; for he was
in truth a mighty and great little man, and worthy of being
utterly renowned, seeing that he was the first potentate that
introduced into this land the art of fighting by proclamation,
and defending a country by trumpeters and windmills.

It is true, that certain of the early provincial poets, of whom
there were great numbers in the Nieuw-Nederlandts, taking
advantage of his mysterious exit, have fabled that, like Ro-
mulus, he was translated to the skies, and forms a very fiery
little star, somewhere on the left claw of the crab; while
others, equally fanciful, declare that he had experienced a
fate similar to that of the good King Arthur, who, we are
assured by ancient bai'ds, was carried away to the delicious
abodes of fairy land, where he still exists in pristine worth
and vigour, and will one day or another return to restore the
gallantry, the honour, and the immaculate probity, which
prevailed in the glorious days of the Round Table.*

All these, however, are but pleasing fantasies, the cobweb
visions of those dreaming varlets, the poets, to which I would
not have my judicious reader attach any credibility. Neither
am I disposed to credit an ancient and rather apocryphal
historian, who asserts that the ingenious Wilhelmus was an-
nihilated by the blowing down of one of his windmills ; nor a
writer of later times, who affirms that he fell a victim to an
experiment in natural history, having the misfortune to break
his neck from a garret window of the stadthouse in attempting

* " The old Welsh hards hclieved that King Arthur was not dead, but
can-ied awaie by the fairies into some pleasant place, where he sholdc
remaine tor a time, and then returne againe and reigne in as great autho-
rity as ever." — HoU'mshed.

" The Britons suppose that he shall come yet and conquere all Britaigue;
for certes, this is the pi-ophicye of Merlyn — ' He say'd that his detli shall
be doubtcous ; and said soth. for men thereof yet have doubte and shuUen
for evermore, for men ivyt not whether that he lyveth or is dede.'" — De
Leeio. Chron.

CHAP. Xn.] WILLIA3I THE TESTY. 147

to catch swallows by sprinkling salt upon tlieii' tails. Still
less do I put my faith in the tradition that he perished at sea
in conveying home to Holland a treasure of golden ore, dis-
covered somewhere among the haunted regions of the Catskill
mountains.*

The most probable account declai'es, that what with the

* Diedricli Knickerbocker, in his scrupulous seai'ch .after truth, is some-
times too fastidious in I'egard to facts wliicli border a little on the marvel-
lous. The story of the golden ore rests on something better than mere
tradition. The venerable Adrian Van der Donck, doctor of laws, in his
description of the New-Netherlands, asserts it from his own observation as
an eye-witness. He was present, he says, in 1645, at a treaty between
Governor Kieft and the Mohawk Indians, in which one of the latter, in
painting himself for the ceremony, used a pigment, the weight and shining-
appearance of which excited the curiosity of the governor and Mynheer
Van der Donck. They obtained a lump and gave it to be proved by a
skilful doctor of medicine, Johannes de la Montague, one of the council-
lors of the New-Netherlands. It '^vas put into a crucible, and yielded two
pieces of gold worth about three guilders. All this, continues Adrian
Van der Donck, was kept secret. As soon as peace was made with the
Mohawks, an officer and a few men were sent to the mountain (in the
region of the Kaatskill), under the guidance of an Indian, to search for
the precious mineral. They brought back a bucketful of ore, which, being
submitted to the crucible, proved as producti\'e as the first. William
Kieft now thought the discovery certain. He sent a confidential person,
Ai-ent Corsen, with a bagful of the mineral to New-Haven, to take pas-
sage in an English ship for England, thence to proceed to Holland. The
vessel sailed at Christmas, but never reached her port. All on board
perished.

In the year 1647, Wilhelmus ffieft himself embarked on board the
Princess, taking with him specimens of the supposed mineral. The ship
was never heard of more !

Some have supposed that the mineral in question was not gold, but
pyrites ; but we have the assertion of Adrian Van der Donck, an eye-
witness, and the experiment of Johannes de la Montague, a learned
doctor of medicine, on the golden side of the question. Cornelius Van
Tienhooven, also, at that time secretary of the New-Netherlands, declared,
in Holland, tliat he had tested several S23ccimens of the mineral, which
proved satisfactoiy.'

It would appear, however, that these golden treasures of the Kaatskill
always brought ill luck ; as is evidenced in tlie fate of Ai'cnt Corsen and
Wilhelmus Kieft, and the wreck of the ships in which they attempted to
convey the treasure across the ocean. The golden mines have never
since been cxplorenl, but remain among the mysteries of the Kaatskill
mountains, and under the protection of the goblins which haunt them.

' See Van der Donck's Description of the Ncw-Nctherlands. Collect.
New- York Hist. Societv, vol. i. p. 161.

L 2

148 HISTORY OF NEW-TOEK. "" [bOOK V,

constant troubles on his frontiers — the incessant schemings
and projects going on in his own pericranium — the memorials,
petitions, remonstrances, and sage pieces of advice of respect-
able meetings of the sovereign people, and the refractory
disposition of his councillors, who were sure to differ from hint
on eveiy point, and uniformly to be in the wrong — his mind
was kept in a furnace heat, until he became as completely
burnt out as a Dutch family pipe, which has passed through
three generations of hard smokers. In this manner did he
inidergo a kind of animal combustion, consuming away like
Ji farthing rushlight, so that when grim Death finally snufP'd
him out, there was scarcely left enough of him to bury I

BOOK V.

CONTAINING THE FIRST PAKT OF THE REIGN OF PETliR
STUYVESANT, AND HIS TROUBLES WITH THE AMPHYCTIONIC
COUNCIL.

CHAPTER I.

To a profound philosopher like myself, who am apt to see
clear through a subject, where the penetration of ordinary
people extends but halfway, there is no fact more simple and
manifest than that the death of a great man is a matter of
very little importance. Much as we may think of ourselves,
and much as we may excite the empty plaudits of the million,
it is certain that the greatest among us do actually fill but art
exceeding small space in the world; audit is equally certain,
that even that small space is quickly supplied when we leave
it vacant. " Of what consequence is it," said Pliny, " that
individuals appear, or make their exit ? the world is a
theatre whose scenes and actors are continually changing.""
Kever did philosopher speak more correctly, and I only
Avonder that so wise a remai'k could have existed so many
ages, and mankind not have laid it more to heart. Sage
follows on in the footsteps of sage ; one hero just steps out of
liis triumphal car, to make way for the hero who comes after
him ; and of the proudest monarch it is merely said that, " he
slept with his fathers, and his successor reigned in his stead.""

CHAP. I.] PETER STUYVESAXT. 149

Tlie world, to tell the private truth, cares but little for their
loss, and, if left to itself, would soon forget to grieve ; and
though a nation has often been figuratively drowned in tears
on the death of a great man, yet it is ten to one if an indi-
vidual tear has been shed on the occasion, excepting from
the forlorn pen of some hungry author. It is the historian,
the biographer, and the poet, who have the whole burden of
tjrief to sustain ; Avho, kind souls! like undertakers in Eng-
land, act tlie part of chief mourners ; who inflate a nation with
sighs it never heaved, and deluge it with tears it never
di-eamt of shedding. Thus, wdiile the patriotic author is
weeping and howling in prose, in blank verse, and in rhyme,
and collecting th'e drops of public sorrow into his volume, as
into a lachrymal vase, it is more than probable his fellow-
citizens are eating and drinking, fiddling and dancing, as
iitterlj^ ignorant of the bitter lamentations made in their name
us are those men of straw, John Doe and Richard Roe, of
the plaintiffs for whom they are generously pleased to be-
come sureties.

The most glorious hero that ever desolated nations might
have mouldered into oblivion among the rubbish of his own
monument, did not some historian take him into favour, and
benevolently transmit his name to posterity; and much as
the valiant William Kieft worried, and bustled, and tur-
moiled, while he had the destinies of a whole colony in his
liand, I question seriously whether he will not be obliged to
this authentic history for all his future celebrity.

His exit occasioned no convulsion in the city of New-
Amsterdam nor its vicinity ; tlie earth trembled not, neither
did any stars shoot from their spheres ; the heavens were not
shrouded in black, as poets would fain persuade us they have
been, on the death of a hero ; the rocks (hard-hearted varlets!)
melted not into tears, nor did the trees hang their heads
in silent sorrow ; and as to the sun, he lay a-bed the next
night just as long, and showed as jolly a face when he rose,
us he ever did, on the same day of the month in any year,
either before or since. The good people of New- Amsterdam,
one and all, declared that he had been a very busy, active,
bustling little governor ; that he was " the father of his
country;" that he was " the noblest work of God;" that "ho
was a man, take him for all in all, they ne'er should look
upon his like again;" together with sundry other civil and

L 3

150 HISTORY OF NEW-YOUK. [bOOK V.

affectionate speeches, regularly said on the deatli of all great
men ; after wliich they smoked their pipes, thought no more
about him, and Peter Stuyvesant succeeded to his station.

Peter Stuyvesant was the last, and, like the renowned
Wouter Van Twiller, the best of our ancient Dutch gover-
nors. "Wouter having surpassed all who preceded him, and
Pieter, or Piet, as he was sociably called by the old Dutch
burghers, who were ever prone to familiarise names, having
never been equalled by any successor. He was, in fact, the
very man fitted by Nature to retrieve the desperate fortunes
of her beloved province, had not the Fates, those most potent
and unrelenting of all ancient spinsters, destined them to
inextricable confusion.

To say merely that he was a hero, would be doing him
great injustice; he was, in truth, a combination of heroes;
lor he was of a sturdy, rawboned make, like Ajax Telaraon,
with a pair of round shoulders that Hercules would have
given his hide for (meaning his lion's hide), when he under-
took to ease old Atlas of his load. He was, moreover, as
Plutarch describes Coriolanus, not only terrible for the force
of his arm, but likewise for his voice, which sounded as
though it came out of a barrel ; and, like the self-same war-
rior, he possessed a sovereign contempt for the sovereign
people, and an ii-on aspect, which was enough of itself to
make the very bowels of his adversaries quake with terror
and dismay. All this martial excellency of appearance w^as
inexpressibly heightened by an accidental advantage, with
which I am surprised that neither Homer nor Virgil have
graced any of their heroes. This was nothing less than
a wooden leg, which was the only prize he had gained in
bravely fighting the battles of his country, but of which he
was so proud, that he was often heard to declare he valued
it more than all his other limbs put together ; indeed, so
highly did he esteem it, that he had it gallantly enchased and
relieved with silver devices, which caused it to be related in
divers histories and legends that he Avore a silver leg.*

Like that choleric warrior Achilles., he was somewhat sub-
ject to extempoi-e bursts of passion, which were rather un-
pleasant to his favourites and attendants, whose perceptions
he was apt to quicken after the manner of his illustrious

* Sec the. histories of Masters Josseljni and Blome.

CHAP. I.] PETER STUYVESANT. 151

imitator, Peter the Great, by anointing their shoulders with
his walking staff.

Though I cannot find that he had read Plato, or Aristotle,
or Hobbes, or Bacon, or Algernon Sydney, or Tom Paine,
yet did he sometimes manifest a shrewdness and sagacity in
his measures, that one would hardly expect from a man who
did not know Greek, and had never studied the ancients.
True it is, and I confess it with sorrow, that he had an un-
reasonable aversion to experiments, and was fond of govern-
ing his province after the simplest manner; but then he
contrived to keep it in better order than did the erudite Kieft,
though he had all the philosophers, ancient and modern, to
assist and perplex him. I must likewise own that he made
but very few laws, but then again he took care that those few
were rigidly and impartially enforced; and I do not know
but justice, on the whole, was as well administered as if there
had been volumes of sage acts and statutes yearly made, and
daily neglected and forgotten.

He was, in fact, the very reverse of his predecessors, being
neither tranquil and inert, like Walter the Doubter, nor rest-
less and fidgetting, like William the Testy ; but a man, or
rather a governor, of such uncommon activity and decision of
mind, that he never sought nor accepted the advice of others,
depending bravely upon his single head, as would a hero of
yore upon his single arm, to carry him through all difficulties
and dangers. To tell the simple truth, he Avanted nothing
more to complete him as a statesman than to think always
right, for no one can say but that he always acted as he
thought. Pie was never a man to flinch when he found himself
in a scrape, but to dash forward through thick and thin, trust-
ing, by hook or by crook, to make all things straight in the end.
In a word, he possessed in an eminent degree that great quality
in a statesman, called perseverance by the polite, but nick-
named obstinacy by the vulgar. A wonderful salve for
ofBcial blunders ; since he who perseveres in error without
flinching, gets the credit of boldness and consistency, while
lie who wavers, in seeking to do what is right, gets stigmatised

kas a trimmer. This much is certain ; and it is a maxim well
worthy the attention of all legislators great and small, who
stand shaking in the wind, irresolute which way to steer, that
a ruler who follows his own will pleases himself, while he
iwho seeks to satisfy the wishes and whims of others runs
t

152 IIISTORV or NEW-TOHK. [uOOK V.

great risk of pleasing iiobodj. There is notliincr, too, like
putting down one's foot resolutely when in doubt, and letting
things take their course. The clock that stands still points
right twice in the lour and twenty hours, while others niay
keep going continually, and be continually going wrong.

Nor did this magnanimous quality escape the discernment
of the good people of Kieuw-Kederlandts ; on the contrary,
so much were they struck with the independent Avill and
vigorous resolution displayed on all occasions by their new-
governor, that they universally called him Hard-Koppig Piet,
or Peter the Headstrong, a great compliment to the strength
of his understanding.

If, from all that I have said, thou dost not gather, worthy
reader, that Peter Stuyvesant was a tough, sturdy, valiant,
weather-beaten, mettlesome, obstinate, leathern-sided, lion-
hearted, generous-spirited old governor, either I have written
to but little purpose, or thou art very dull at drawing con-
clusions.

This most excellent governor commenced his administra-
tion on the 29th of May, 1647 ; a remarkably stormy day,
distinguished in all the almanacks of the time w^iich have
come down to us by the name of JJ'indi/ Friday. Ashe was
very jealous of his personal and official dignity, he was in-
augurated into office with great ceremony; the goodly oaken
chair of the renowned Wouter Van Twiller, being carefully
preserved for such occasions, in like manner as the chair and
stone were reverentially preserved at Schone, in Scotland,
for the coronation of the Caledonian monarchs.

I must not omit to mention, that the tempestuous state of
the elements, together with its being that unlucky day of the
week termed " hanging day," did not fail to excite much
grave speculation and divers very reasonable apprehensions
among the more ancient and enlightened inhabitants ; and
several of the sager sex, who were reputed to be not a little
skilled in the mysteries of astrology and fortune-telling, did
declare outright that they were omens of a disastrous ad-
ministration ; an event that came to be lamentably verified,
and which proves, beyond dispute, the wisdom of attending
to those preternatural intimations furnished by dreams and
visions, the flying of birds, falling of stones, and cackling of
geese, on which tiie sages and rulers of ancient times placed
such reliance ; or to those shootings of stars, eclipses of the

CIIAIMI.] PETER STUYVESANT. lo3

moon, hov/liiiii? of do;;-*, and flarinfrs of candles, carefully noted
and interpreted by the oracular sibyls of our day ; who, in
my humble opinion, are the legitimate inheritors and preserv-
ers of the ancient science of divination. This much is cer-
tain, that Governor Stuyvesant succeeded to the chair of
state at a turbulent period, when foes thronged and threatened
from without; when anarcliy and stifiF-necked opposition
reigned rampant Avithin ; Avhen the authority of their High
Mightinesses the Lords States General, though supported by
economy, and defended by speeches, protests, and proclama-
tions, yet tottered to its very centi-e; and when the great city
of New-Amsterdam, though fortified by fiag-staffs, trum-
peters, and wind-mills, seemed, like some fair lady of easy vir-
tue, to lie open to attack, and ready to yield to the fi.rst invader.

CHAP. 11.

Tjie very first movements of the great Peter, on taking the
reins of government, displayed his magnanimity, though they
occasioned not a little marvel and uneasiness among the
people of the Manhattoes. Finding himself constantly inter-
rufited by the opposition, and annoyed by the advice of his
privy council, the members of which had acquired the un-
reasonable habit of thinking and speaking for themselves
during tlie preceding reign, he determined at once to put a
stop to such grievous abominations. Scarcely, therefore, had
lie entered upon his authority, than he turned out of office all
the meddlesome spirits of the factious cabinet of William the
Testy ; in place of Avhom he chose unto himself councillors
i'rom those fat, somniferous, respectable burghers, who had
nourished and slumbered under the easy reign of Walter tlie
Doubter. All these he caused to be furnished with abundance
of fair long pipes, and to be regaled with frequent corpora-
tion dinners, admonishing them to smoke, and eat, and sleep
for the good of the nation, while he took the burden of go-
vernment upon his own shoulders, — an arrangement to which
they all gave hearty acquiescence.

Nor did lie stop here, but made a hideous rout among the
inventions and expedients of his learned predecessor — root-
ing up his patent gallows, where caitilF vagabonds were sus-
pended by the waistband; demolishing his flag-staffs and

] 54 HISTORY OF NEW-YORK. [bOOK V.

wind-mills, which, like mi<;hty giants, guarded the ramparts
of New- Amsterdam; pitching to the Duyvel whole batteries of
Quaker guns; and, in a word, turning topsy-turvy the whole
philosophic; economic, and wind-mill system of the immortal
sage of Saardam.

The honest' folk of Xew- Amsterdam began to quake now
for the fate of their matchless champion, Antony the Ti-um-
peter, who had acquired prodigious favour in the eyes of the
women, by means of his whiskers and his trumpet. Him did
Peter the Headstrong cause to be brought into his presence,
and eyeing him for a moment from head to foot, with a coun-
tenance that would have appalled anything else than a sounder
of brass — " Pr'ythee, who and what art thou ? " said he.
" Sire," replied the other, in no wise dismayed, '• for my name,
it is Antony Van Corlear — for my parentage, I am the son
of my mother — for my profession, I am champion and garri-
son of this great city of New-Amsterdam." " I doubt me
much," said Peter Stuyvesant, " that thou art some scurvy
costard-monger knave : how didst thou acquire this para-
mount honour and dignity?" "Marry, sir," replied the
otlier, ''like many a great man before me, sxm^Xy by sounding
my mo7i trumpet" "Ay, is it so?" quoth the governor;
" why, then, let us have a relish of thy art." Whereupon the
good Antony put his instrument to his lips, and sounded a
charge with such a tremendous outset, such a delectable qua-
ver, and such a triumphant cadence, that it was enougli to
make one's heart leap out of one's mouth only to be within a
mile of it. Like as a war-worn charger, grazing in peaceful
plains, starts at a strain of martial music, pricks up his ears,
and snorts, and paws, and kindles at the noise, so did the
heroic Peter joy to hear the clangour of the trumpet ; for of
him might truly be said, what was recorded of the renowned
St. George of England, " there was nothing in all the world
that more rejoiced his heart than to hear the pleasant sound
of war, and see the soldiers brandish forth their steeled wea-
pons." Casting his eye more kindly, therefore, upon the
sturdy Van Corlear, and finding him to be a jovial varlet,
shrewd in his discourse, yet of great discretion and immea-
surable wind, he straightway conceived a vast kindness for
liim, and discharging liim from the troublesome duty of gar-
risoning, defending, and alai'ming the city, ever after retained
him about his person, as his chief favourite, confidential en-
voy, and trusty squire. Instead of disturbing the city with

CHAP, n.] PETER STUYVESANT. 155

disastrous notes, he was instructed to play so as to delight
the governor while at his repasts, as did the minstrels of
yore in the days of glorious chivalry; and on all public occa-
sions to rejoice the ears of the people with warlike melody,
thereby keeping alive a noble and martial spirit.

But the measure of the valiant Peter which produced the
greatest agitation in the community, was his laying his hand
upon the currency. He had old-fashioned notions in favour
of gold and silver, which he considered the true standards of
wealth and mediums of commerce, and one of his first edicts
was, that all duties to government should be paid in those
precious metals, and that seawant, or wampum, should no
longer be a legal tender.

Here was a blow at public prosperity ! All those who spe-
culated on the rise and fall of this fluctuating currency, found
their calling at an end : those, too, who had hoarded Indian
money by barrels full, found their capital shrunk in amount ;
but, above all, the Yankee traders, who were accustomed to
flood the market with newly-coined oyster-shells, and to ab-
stract Dutch merchandise in exchange, were loud-mouthed
in decrying jthis "tampering with the currency." It was
clipping the wings of commerce ; it was checking the develop-
ment of public prosperity ; trade would be at an end ; goods
would moulder on the shelves ; grain would rot in the gra-
naries ; grass would grow in the market-place. In a word,
no one who has not heard the outcries and bowlings of a
modern Tarshish, at any check upon " paper money," can
have any idea of the clamour against Peter the Headstrong, for
checking the circulation of oyster-shells.

In fact, trade did shrink into narrower channels ; but
then the stream was deep as it was broad ; the honest Dutch-
men sold less goods ; but then they got the worth of them,
either in silver and gold, or in codfish, tin-ware, apple-brandy,
Weathersfield onions, wooden bowls, and other articles of
Yankee barter. The ingenious people of the east, however,
indemnified themselves in another way for having to abandon
the coinage of oyster-shells, for about this time we are told
that wooden nutmegs made their first appearance in New- Am-
sterdam, to the great annoyance of the Dutch housewives.

NOTE.
From a manuscript record of tlie province (Lib. N.-Y. Hist. Soc.).- —
" Wc Iiavc been unable to render your inbabitants wiser, and prevent
tbeir being further imposed upon, tban to dcelare, absolutely and pcremp-

156 HISTOKY OF NEW-TOHK. [bOOK V.

CHAP. III.

Kow it came to pass, that while Peter Stuyvesant Avas busy
regulating the internal affairs of his domain, the great Yankee
league, which had caused such tribulation to William the.
Testy, continued to increase in extent and power. The
grand Amphictyonic council of the league was held atTSos-
ton, where it spun a web whicli threatened to link witliin it
all the mighty principalities and powers of the east. The
object proposed by this formidable combination was mutual
protection and defence against their savage neighbours ; but
all the world knows the real aim was to form a grand crusade
against the Nieuw-Nederlandts and to get possession ofjhf
city of the Manhattoes — as devout an object of enterprise and
ambition to the Yankees as was ever the capture of Jerusalem
to ancient crusaders.

In the very year following the inauguration of Governor
Stuyvesant, a grand deputation departed from the city of
Providence (famous for its dusty streets and beauteous avo-
men) in behalf of the plantation of Rhode Island, praying to
be admitted into the league.

The folloAving minute of this deputation appears in the
ancient recoi'ds of the council.*

"Mr. Will. Cottington and Captain Partridg of Rhoode
Island presented this insewing request to the commissioners
in wrighting —

" Our request and motion is in behalfe of Ehoode Hand,
that wee the Ilanders of Rhoode-Iland may be rescauied into

toiih', that henceforward scawant shall be bullion — not lonprcr admissible
in trade, without any value, as it is indeed. So that every one may be
upon his cuard to baiter no longer away his wares and merchandises for
tliesc bubbles ; at least not to accept them at a higher rate, or in a largei'
quantity, than as they may want them in their trade with the savages.

" In this way your English [Yankee] neighbours shall no longer be
enabled to draw the best wares and merchandises from our country for
nothing ; the beavers and furs not excepted. This has, indeed, long since
been insufferable ; although it ought chiefly to be imputed to the impru-
dent pcnuriousness of our own merchants and inhabitants, who, it is to be
hoped, shall, tlirough the abolition of this seawant, become wiser and
more prudent.

" 27th January, 16G2.

" Scawant falls into disrepute ; duties to be paid in silver coin."

• Haz. Coll. Stat. Pap.

CHAP. lU.] PETER STUYVESANT. Iu7

combination with all the united colonyes of New England in
a iirme and perpetual league of friendship and amity of ofence
and defence, mutuall advice and succor upon all just occasions
for our mutuall safety and wellfaire, etc.

"Will. Cottington,

" Alicxsander Partridg."

There was certainly something in the very physiognomy of
this document that might well inspire apprehension. The
)iarae of Alexander, however mis-spelt, has been warlike iu
every age, and though its fierceness is in some measure sof-
tened by being coupled with the gentle cognomen of Part-
ridge, still, like the colour of scarlet, it bears an exceeding
great resemblance to the sound of a trumpet. From the style
of the letter, moreover, and the soldier-like ignorance of ortho-
grapliy displayed by the noble captain Alicxsander Partridg,
in spelling his own name, we may picture to ourselves this
jnighty man of Rhodes, strong in arms, potent in the field, and
as gi'eat a scholar as though he had been educated among tliat
learned people of Thrace, who, Aristotle assures us, could not
count beyond the number four.

I'he result of this great Yankee league was augmented
audacity on the part of the moss-troopers of Connecticut,
pushing their encroachments farther and farther into the ter-
3'itories of their High Mightinesses, so that even the inhabit-
ants of New-Amsterdam began to draw short breath, and to
Jind themselves exceedingly cramped for elbow-room.

Peter Stuyvesant Avas not a man to submit quietly to such
intrusions ; his first impulse was to march at once to the
frontier, and kick tliese squatting Yankees out of the country;
but, bethinking himself in time that he was now a governor
and legislator, the policy of the statesman for once cooled tlie
fire of the old soldier, and he determined to try his hand at
iiegociation. A correspondence accordingly ensued between
him and the grand council of the league, and it was agreed
that commissioners from either side slioukl meet at Hartford,
to settle boundaries, adjust grievances, and establish a "per-
petual and happy peace."

The commissioners on the part of the Manhattoes were
chosen, according to immemorial usage of that venerable me-
tropolis, from among the "wisest and weightiest " men of the
community; that is to say, men with the oldest heads and

158 HISTORY OF NEW-YORK. [bOOK V.

heaviest pockets. Among these sages the veteran navigator,
Hans Reinier Oothout, who had made such extensive dis-
coveries during the time of Oloffe the Dreamer, was looked
up to as an oracle in all matters of the kind; and he was
ready to produce the very spy-glass with -which he first spied
the moutli of the Connecticut river from his masthead, and all
the world knows that the discovery of the mouth of a river
gives prior right to all the lands drained by its waters.

It was with feelings of pride and exultation that the good
people of the Manhattoes saw two of the richest and most
ponderous burghers departing on this embassy ; men whose
word on 'Change was oracular, and in whose presence no poor
man ventui'ed to appear without taking off his hat : wiien it
was seen, too, that the veteran Reinier Oothout accompanied
them with his spy-glass under his arm, all the old men and
old women predicted that men of such weight, with such evi-
dence, would leave the Yankees no alternative but to pack up
their tin kettles and wooden w^ares ; put wife and children in
a cart, and abandon all the lands of their High Mightinesses,
on which they had squatted.

In truth, the commissioners sent to Hartford by the league,
seemed in no wise calculated to compete with men of such
capacity. They were too lean Yankee lawyers, litigious-look-
ing varlets, and evidently men of no substance, since they
had no rotundity in the belt, and there was no jingling of
money in their pockets ; it is true they had longer heads than
the Dutchmen ; but if the heads of the latter were flat at top,
they were broad at bottom, and what was wanting in height
of forehead, Avas made up by a double chin.

The negotiation turned as usual upon the good old corner-
stone of original discovery ; according to the principle that he
•who first sees a new country, has an unquestionable right to
it. This being admitted, the veteran Oothout, at a concerted
signal, stepped forth in the assembly with the identical tar-
pauling spy-glass in his hand, w^ith which he bad discovered
the mouth of the Connecticut, while the worthy Dutch com-
missioners lolled back in their chairs, secretly chuckling at
the idea of having for once got the weathergage of the) Yan-
kees ; but what was their dismay when the latter produced a
Nantucket whaler with a spy-glass, twice as long, with which
he discovered the whole coast, quite down to the Manhattoes;
and so crooked that he had spied with it up the whole course of

CHAP. lU.] PETER STUYVESANT. 159

the Connecticut river. This principle pushed home, there-
fore, the Yankees had a right to the whole country bordering
on the Sound ; nay, the city of New-Amsterdam was a mere
Dutch^squatting-place on their territories.

I forbear to dwell upon tlie confusion of the worthy Dutch
commissioners at finding their main pillar of proof thus
knocked from under them ; neither will I pretend to describe
the consternation of the wise men at the Manhattoes when
they learnt how their commissioner had been out-trumped by
the Yankees, and how the latter pretended to claim to the
very gates of New- Amsterdam.

Long was the negociation protracted, and long was the
jiublic mind kept in a state of anxiety. There are two modes
of settling boundary questions, when the claims of the oppo-
site parties are irreconcilable. One is by an appeal to arms,
in which case the weakest party is apt to lose its right, and
get a broken head into the bargain ; the other mode is by com-
promise, or mutual concession ; that is to say, one party cedes
half of its claims, and the other party half of its rights ; he
who grasps most gets most, and the whole is pronounced an
equitable division, " perfectly honourable to both parties."

The latter mode was adopted in the present instance. The
Yankees gave up claims to vast tracts of the Nieuw-Neder-
landts which they had never seen, and all right to the island
of Manna-hata and the city of New-Amsterdam, to which
they had no right at all ; while the Dutch, in return, agreed
that the Yankees should retain possession of the frontier
places where they had squatted, and of both sides of the
Connecticut river.

When the news of this treaty arrived at New-Amsterdam,
the whole city was in an uproar of exultation. The old
women rejoiced that there was to be no war, the old men
that tiieir cabbage-gardens were safe from invasion ; while
the political sages pronounced the treaty a great triumph over
the Y'ankees, considering how much they had claimed, and
hoAv little they had been " fobbed off with."

And now my worthy reader is, doubtless, like the great
and good Peter, congratulating himself with the idea that his
feelings will no longer be harassed by afflicting details of
stolen horses, broken heads, impounded hogs, and all the
other catalogue of heai*t-rending cruelties that disgraced these
border wars. But if he should indulge in such expectations,

160 HISTORY OF XEW-TORK. [bOOK V.

it is a proof that he is but little versed in the paradoxical
ways of cabinets ; to convince him of which I solicit his
serious attention to my next chapter, wherein I will show
that Peter Stuyvesant has already committed a great eiTor
in politics ; and, by effecting a peace, has materially hazarded
the tranquillity of the province.

CHAP. IV.

It was the opinion of that poetical philosopher, LucretiuSj
that war was the original state of man, whom he described
as being, primitively, a savage beast of prey, engaged in a
constant state of hostility with his own species, and that this
ferocious spirit was tamed and ameliorated by society. The
same opinion has been advocated by Hobbes*; nor have there
been wanting many other philosophers to admit and defend it.

For my part, though prodigiously fond of these valuable
speculations, so complimentary to human nature, yet, in this
instance, I am inclined to take the proposition by halves ;
believing with Horace f? that though war may have been
originally the favoui'ite amusement and industrious employ-
ment of our progenitors, yet, like many other excellent habits,
so far from being ameliorated, it has been cultivated and con-
firmed by refinement and civilisation, and increases in exact
proportion as we approach towards that state of perfection,
which is the ne plus vitrei of modern philosophy.

The first conflict between man and man was the mere ex-
ertion of physical force, unaided by auxiliary weapons — his
arm was his buckler, his fist was his mace, and a broken head
the catastrophe of his encounters. The battle of unassisted
strength was succeeded by the more rugged one of stones and
clubs, and war assumed a sanguinary aspect. As man ad-
vanced in refinement, as his faculties expanded, and as his
sensibilities became more exquisite, he grew rapidly more
ingenious and experienced in the art of murdering his fellow-

* Hobbcs's Leviathan, part i. ch. 13.

f Ciiin prorcpserunt prirais animalia terris,

Mutum et turpe pecus, glandcin atquc cubilia propter,
IJnguibus et pugnis, dein fiistibus, atqae ita poiTo
l^iignabant armis, qute post lUbricaverat usus.

Hon. Sat. lib. i. s. 3.

CHAP. IV.] PETEK STUYVESANT. 161

beings. He invented a thousand devices to defend and to
assault — the helmet, the cuirass, and tlie buckler, the sword,
the dart, and the javelin, prepared him to elude the wound as
■well as to launch the blow. Still urging on, in the career of
philanthropic invention, he enlarges and heightens his powers
of defence and injury. The ai'ies, the scorpio, the balista,
and the catapulta give a horror and sublimity to war, and
magnify its glory, by increasing its desolation. Still insa-
tiable, tliough armed with machinery that seemed to reach
the limits of destructive invention, and to yield a power of
injury commensurate even with the desires of revenge — still
deeper researches must be made in the diabolical arcana.
With furious zeal he dives into the bowels of the earth ; he
toils midst poisonous minerals and deadly salts — the sublime
discovery of gunpowder blazes upon the world ; and finally,
the dreadful art of fighting by proclamation seems to endow
the demon of war with ubiquity and omnipotence !

This, indeed, is grand ! — this, indeed, marks the powers of
mind, and bespeaks that divine endowment of reason, which
distinguishes us from the animals, our inferiors. The un-
enlightened brutes content themselves with the native force
which Providence has assigned them. The angry bull butts
with his horns, as did his progenitors before him ; the lion,
the leopard, and the tiger, seek only with their talons and
their fangs to gratify their sanguinary fury ; and even the
subtle serpent darts the same venom, and uses the same wiles,
as did his sire before the flood. Man alone, blessed with the
inventive mind, goes on from discovery to discovery ; en-
larges and multiplies his powers of destruction ; arrogates the
ti-emendous weapons of Deity itself, and tasks creation to
assist him in murdering his brother Avorm !

In proportion as the art of war has increased in improve-
ment has the art of preserving peace advanced in equal ratio ;
and as we have discovered, in this age of wonders and in-
ventions, that proclamation is the most formidable engine in
war, so have we discovered the no less ingenious mode of
maintaining peace by perpetual negotiations.

A treaty, or, to speak more correctly, a negotiation, there-
fore, according to the acceptation of experienced statesmen,
learned in these matters, is no longer an attempt to accom-
modate differences, to ascertain rights, and to establish an
equitable exchange of kind offices ; but a contest of skill

n

162 HISTORY OF NEW- YORK. [bOOK Vi

between tAvo powers which shall overreach and take in the
other. It is a cunning endeavour to obtain by peaceful
manoeuvre and the chicanery of cabinets, those advantages
which a nation would otlierwise have wrested by force of
arms ; in the same manner as a conscientious highwayman
reforms and becomes a quiet and praisevrorthy citizen, con-
tenting himself with cheating his neighbour out of that
property he Avould formerly have seized with open violence.

In fact, the only time when two nations can be said to be
in a state of perfect amity is when a negotiation is open, and
a treaty pending. Then, when there are no stipulations
entered into, no bonds to restrain the will, no specific limits
to awaken the captious jealousy of right implanted in our
nature ; wlien each party has some advantage to hope and
expect from the other, then it is that the two nations are
wonderfully gracious and friendly ; their ministers professing
the highest mutual regard, exchanging billets-doux, making
fine speeches, and indulging in all those little diplomatic
flirtations, coquetries, and fondlings, that do so marvellously
tickle the good humour of the respective nations. Thus it
may paradoxically be said, that there is never so good an
understanding between two nations as when there is a little
misunderstanding — and that so long as they are on no terms
at all they are on the best terms in the world !

I do not by any means pretend to claim the merit of having
made the above discovery. It has, in fact, long been secretly
acted upon by certain enlightened cabinets, and is, together
with tlivers other notable theories, privately copied out of the
commonplace book of an illustrious gentleman, who has been
member of congress, and enjoyed the unlimited confidence of
heads of departments. To this principle may be asci'ibed the
Avonderful ingenuity shown of late years in protracting and
interrupting negotiations. Hence the cunning measure of
appointing as ambassador some political pettifogger skilled in
delays, sgphisms, and misapprehensions, and dexterous in the
art of bafiling argument ; or some blundering statesman,
"vvhose errors and misconstructions may be a plea for refusing
to ratify his engagements. And hence, too, that most notable
expedient, so popular with our government, of sending out a
brace of ambassadors, between whom, having each an indi-
vidual will to consult, character to establish, and interest to
promote, j'ou may as well look for unanimity and concord as
between two lovers with one mistress, two dogs with one

CHAP. IV.] PETER STUYVESANT, 163

bone, 01- two naked rogues with one paii* of breeches. This
disagreement, tlierefoi'e, is continually breeding delays and
impediments, in consequence of which the negotiation goes
on swimmingly, inasmuch as there is no prospect of its ever
coming to a close. Nothing is lost by these delays and ob-
stacles but time ; and in a negotiation, according to the theory
I have exposed, all time lost is in reality so much time gained :
with what delightful pai'adoxes does modern political economy
abound !

Now all that I have here advanced is so notoriously true,
that I almost blush to take up the time of my readers with
treating of matters wliich must many a time liave stared them
in the face. But the proposition to which I would most
earnestly call their attention is this, that though a negotiation
be the most liarmonising of all national transactions, yet a
treaty of peace is a great political evil, and one of tlie most
fruitful sources of war.

I have rarely seen an instance of any special contract be-
tween individuals that did not produce jealousies, bickerings,
and often downright ruptures between them ; nor did I ever
know of a treaty between two nations that did not occasion
continual misunderstandings. How many Avorthy country
neighbours have I known, who, after living in peace and good
fellowship for years, have been thrown into a state of distrust,
cavilling, and animosity, by some ill-starred agreement about
fences, runs of water, and stray cattle ! And liow many welh-
meaning nations, who would otlierwise have remained in the
most amicable disposition towards each other, have been
brought to swords' points about the infringement or miscon-
struction of some treaty, which in an evil hour they had
concluded, by way of making their amity more sure !

Treaties at best are but complied with so long as interest
requires their fulfilment; consequently they are virtually
binding on the weaker party only, or, in plain truth, they are
not binding at all. No nation Avill wantonly go to war with
another if it has nothing to gain thereby, and therefore needs
no treaty to restrain it from violence ; and if it have any
thing to gain, I much question, from what I have witnessed
of the righteous conduct of nations, whether any treaty could
be made so strong that it could not thrust the sword through:
nay, I would hold ten to one, the treaty itself would be the
very source to which resort would be had to find a pretext for
hostilities. m 2

164 HISTORY OF KEAV-YORK. ' [bOOK V.

Thus, therefore, I conclude — that though it is the best of
all policies for a nation to keep up a constant negotiation ■with
its neighbours, yet it is the summit of folly for it ever to be
beguiled into a ti-eaty ; for then comes on non-fulfilment and
infraction, then remonstrance, then altercation, then retalia-
tion, then recrimination, and finally open war. In a word,
negotiation is like courtship, a time of sweet words, gallant
speeches, soft looks, and endearing caresses — but the mar-
riage ceremony is the signal for hostilities.

If my x^ainstaking reader be not somewhat perplexed by
the ratiocination of the foregoing passage, he will perceive, at
a glance, that the great Peter, in concluding a treaty with his
eastern neighbours, was guilty of lamentable error in policy.
In fact, to this unlucky agreement may be traced a world of
bickerings and heart-burnings between the parties, about fan-
cied or pretended infringements of treaty stipulations ; in all
Avhich the Yankees were prone to indemnify themselves by a
" dig into the sides" of the New-Netherlands. But, in sooth,
these border feuds, albeit they gave great annoyance to the
good burghers of Manna-hata, were so pitiful in their nature,
that a grave liistorian like myself, who grudges the time spent
in any thing less than the revolutions of states and fall of
empires, would deem them unworthy of being inscribed on
his page. The reader is, therefore, to take it for granted,
though I scorn to waste, in the detail, that time which my fur-
rowed brow and trembling hand inform me is invaluable, that
all the while the great Peter was occupied in those tremen-
dous and bloody contests which I shall shortly rehearse, tliere
was a continued series of little, dirty, snivelling scourings,
broils, and maraudings, kept up on tlie eastern frontiers by
the moss-troopers of Connecticut. But, like that mirror of
chivalry, the sage and valorous Don Quixote, I leave these petty
contests for some future Sancho Panza of a historian, while I
reserve my prowess and my pen for achievements of higher
dignity ; for at this moment I hear a direful and portentous
note issuing from the bosom of the great council of the league,
and resounding throughout the regions of the east, menacing
the fame and fortunes of Peter Stuyvesant. I call, therefore,
upon the reader to leave behind him all the paltry brawls of
the Connecticut borders, and to press forward with me to the
relief of our favourite hero ; who, I foresee, will be wofuUy
beset by the implacable Yankees in the next chapter.

CHAP, v.] PETER STUYVESANT. 165

CHAP. V.

That the reader may be aware of the peril at this moment
menaciug Peter Stuyvesant and his capital, I must remind him
of the old charge advanced in the council of the league in the
time of AVilliam the Testy, that the Nederlanders were carry-
ing on a trade "damnable and injurious to the colonists," in
furnishing the savages with " guns, powther, and shott." This,
as I then suggested, was a crafty device of the Yankee confede-
racy to have a snug cause of war in petto, in case any favour-
able opportunity should present of attempting the conquest
of the New-Nederlands, the great object of Yankee ambition.

Accordingly we now find, when eveiy other ground of
complaint had apparently been removed by treaty, this ne-
farious charge revived witli tenfold virulence, and hurled
like a thunderbolt at the very head of Peter Stuyvesant ;
happily his head, like that of the great bull of the Wabash,
was proof against such missiles.

To be explicit, we are told that, in the year 1651, the
great confederacy of the east accused the immaculate Peter,
the soul of honour and heart of steel, of secretly endeavouring,
by gifts and promises, to instigate the Narroheganset, Mo-
haque, and Pequot Indians to surprise and massacre the
Yankee settlements. '' For," as the grand council observed,
'• the Indians round about for divers hundred miles cercute
seeme to have drunk deepe of an intoxicating cupp, att or
from the Manhattoes against the English, whoe have sought
their good, both in bodily and spirituall respects."'

This charge they pretended to support by the evidence of di-
vers Indians, who wei'e probably moved by that spirit of truth
which is said to reside in the bottle, and who swore to the fact
as sturdily as though they had been so many Christian troopers.

Though descended from a family which suffered much in-
jury from the losel Yankees of those times, ray great-grand-
father having had a yoke of oxen and his best pacer stolen,
and having received a pair of black eyes and a bloody nose in
one of these border wars ; and my grandfather, when a very
little boy tending pigs, having been kidnapped and severely
flogged by a long-sided Connecticut schoolmaster — yet I
should have passed over all these wrongs witli forgiveness and
oblivion — I could even have suifered them to have broken
Everet Ducking's head ; to have kicked the doughty Jacobus

n 3

166 BISTORT OF KEW-YORK. [bOOK V.

Van Cui'let and bis ragged regiment out of doors ; to have
carried every hog into captivity, and depopulated every hen-
roost on the face of the earth with perfect impunity — but
this wanton attack upon one of the most gallant and irre-
proacliable heroes of modern times, is too mucli even for me
to digest ; and has overset, with a single puff, tiie patience of
the historian, and the forbearance of the Dutchman.

Oh reader, it was false ! I swear to thee, it was false ! If
thou hast any respect to my word, if the undeviating cha-
racter for veracity, which I have endeavoured to maintain
throughout this work, has its due weight with thee, thou wilt
not give tby faith to this tale of slander; for I pledge my
honour and my immortal fame to thee, that the gallant Peter
Stuyvesant was not only innocent of this foul conspiracy, but
would have suffered his rigbt arm, or even his wooden leg, to
consume with slow and everlasting flames, rather than at-
tempt to destroy bis enemies in any other way than open,
generous warfare ; beshrew those caitiff scouts, that conspired
to sully his honest name by such an imputation !

Peter Stuyvesunt, though haply he may never have heard
of a knight- errant, had as true a heart of chivalry as ever beat
at the round table of King Arthur. In the honest bosom of
this heroic Dutchman dwelt the seven noble virtues of knight-
hood, flourishing among his hardy qualities like wild flowers
among rocks. He was, in truth, a hero of chivalry struck off
by nature at a single heat, and though little care may have
been taken to refine her workmanship, he stood forth a miracle
of her skill. In all his dealings he was headstrong perhaps,
but open and above board ; if there was any thing in the
whole world he most loathed and despised, it was cunning
and secret wile ; "straight forward" was his motto, and he
would at any time rather run his hard head against a stone
wall than attempt to get round it.

Such was Peter Stuyvesant, and if my admiration of him
has on this occasion transported my style beyond the sober
gravity which becomes the philosophic recorder of historic
events, I must plead as an apology, that though a little grey-
headed Dutchman, arrived almost at the down-hill of life, I
still retain a lingering spark of that fire which kindles in the
eye of youth when contemplating the virtues of ancient wor-
thies. Blessed thrice, and nine times blessed be the good St.
Isicholas, if I have indeed escaped that apathy which cluUs the
sympathies of age, and paralyses every glow of enthusiasm.

CHAP, v.] PETEK STUVVE3ANT. 167

The first measui-e of Peter Stuyvesant, on hearing of thir;
slanderous charge, would have been worthy of a man who liad
studied for years in the chivalrous library of Don Quixote.
Drawing liis sword and laying it acx'oss the table, to put him
in proper tune, he took pen in liand and indited a proud and
lofty letter to the council of the league, reproaching them with
giving ear to the slanders of heathen savages against a Chris-
tian, a soldier, and a cavalier ; declaring that whoever charged
him with the plot in question, lied in his throat ; to prove
which he oifered to meet the president of the council, or any of
his compeers ; or their champion, Captain Alexander Par-
tridge, that mighty man of Rhodes, in single combat; wherein
he trusted to vindicate his honour by the prowess of his arm.

This missive was intrusted to his trumpeter and squire, An-
tony Van Corlear, that man of emergencies, with orders to tra-
vel night and day, sparing neither whip nor spin-, seeing that he
carried the vindication of his patron's fame in his saddle-bags.

The loyal Antony accomplished his mission with great
speed and considerable loss of leather. He delivered his
missive with becoming ceremony, accompanying it Avith a
flourish of defiance on his trumpet to the whole council, end-
ing with a significant and nasal twang full in the face of
Captain Partridge, who nearly jumped out of his skin in an
ecstasy of astonishment.

The grand council was composed of men too cool and prac-
tical to be put readily in a heat, or to indulge in knight-
errantry ; and above all to run a tilt with such a fiery hero
as Peter the Headstrong. They knew the advantage, how-
ever, to have always a snug, justifiable cause of Avar in re-
serve Avith a neighbour, Avho had territories Avorth invading ;
so they devised a reply to Peter Stuyvesant, calculated to
keep up the "raAv" Avhich they had established.

On receiving this ansAver, Antony Van Corlear remounted
the Flanders mare Avhich he always rode, and trotted merrily
back to the Manhattoes, solacing himself by the way accord-
ing to his Avont ; twanging his trumpet like a very devil, so
that the sweet valleys and banks of the Connecticut resounded
Avitli the warlike melody ; bringing all the folks to tlie Avin-
doAvs as he passed through Hartford and Pyquag and Mid-
dletOAvn, and all the other border tOAvns ; ogling and winking
at the Avonien, and making aerial Avindmills from the end of
his nose at iheir husbands; and sto{)[)ing occasionally in the

BI 4

168 HISTORY OF NEW-T0R7C. [bOOK V.

villages to eat pumpkin-pies, dance at country frolics, and
bundle with the Yanliee lasses, whom he rejoiced exceed-
ingly with his soul-stirring instrument.

CHAP. VI.

The reply of the grand council to Peter Stuyvesant was
couched in the coolest and most diplomatic language. They
assured him that " liis confident denials of the barbarous plot
alleged against him would weigh little against the testimony
of divers sober and respectable Indians ;" that " his guilt was
proved to their perfect satisfaction," so that they must still
require and seek due satisfaction and security ; ending with
— "so we rest, sir — Yours in ways of righteousness."

I forbear to say how the lion-hearted Peter roared and
ramped at finding himself more and more entangled in the
meshes thus artfully drawn round him by the knowing
Yankees. Impatient, however, of suffering so gross an as-
persion to rest upon his honest name, he sent a second mes-
senger to the council, reiterating his denial of the treachery
imputed to him, and offering to submit his conduct to the
scrutiny of a court of honour. His offer was readily accepted ;
and now he looked forward with confidence to an august tri-
bunal to be assembled at the Manhattoes, formed of high-
minded cavaliers, peradventure governors and commanders of
the confederate plantations, where the matter might be inves-
tigated by his peers, in a manner befitting his rank and dignity.

Vvliile he was awaiting the arrival of such high function-
aries, behold, one sunshiny afternoon there rode into the great
gate of the Manhattoes two lean, hungry-looking Yankees,
mounted on Narraganset pacers, with saddle-bags under their
bottoms, and green satchels under their arms, who looked
marvellously like two pettifogging attorneys beating the hoof
from one county court to another in quest of lawsuits ; and,
in sooth, though they may have passed under ditierent names
at the time, I have reason to suspect they w^ere the identical
varlets Avho had negotiated the worthy Hutch commissioners
out of the Connecticut river.

It was a rule with these indefatigable missionaries never to
let the grass grow under their feet. Scarce had they, there-
fore, alighted at the inn and deposited their saddle-bags, than

CHAP. Vn.] ' PETER STUYVESANT. 169

they made their way to the residence of the governor. They
found him, according to custom, smoking his afternoon pipe
on the " stoop," or bench at the porch of his liouse, and an-
nounced themselves, at once, as commissioners sent by the
grand council of the east to investigate the truth of certain
charges advanced against him.

The good Peter tooli his pipe from his mouth, and gazed
at them for a moment in mute astonishment. By way of ex-
pediting business, they were proceeding on the spot to put
some preHminary questions ; asking him, peradventure,
whether he pleaded guilty or not guilty, considering him some-
thing in the light of a culprit at the bar ; Avhen they were
brought to a pause by seeing him lay down his pipe and begin
to fumble with his walking-staff. For a moment, those present
would not have given half a crown for both the crowns of the
commissioners ; but Peter Stuy vesant repressed his mighty
wrath and stayed his hand ; he scanned the varlets fi-om head
to foot, satchels and all, with a look of ineffable scorn ; then
strode into the house, slammed the door after him, and com-
manded that they should never again be admitted to his.
pi'esence.

The knowing commissioners winked to each other, and
made a certificate on the spot that the governor had refused
to answer their interrogatories, or to submit to their ex-
amination. They then proceeded to rummage about the city
for two or three days, in quest of what they called evidence,
perplexing Indians and old women with their cross-question-
ing until they had stuffed their satchels and saddle-bags with
all kinds of apocryphal tales, rumours, and calumnies ; with
these they mounted their Narraganset pacers, and travelled
back to the grand council ; neither did the proud-hearted
Peter trouble himself to hinder their researches nor impede
their departure ; he was too mindful of their sacred character
as envoys ; but I Avarrant me had they played the same tricks
with WiUiam the Testy, he would have had them tucked up
by the waistband, and treated to an aerial gambol on his
patent gallows.

CHAP. VII.

The grand council of the east held a solemn meeting on the
return of their envoys. As no advocate appeared in behalf

170 HISTORY OF NEW-YORK. [bOOK V.

of Peter Stuyvesant, everything went against him. His
liaughty refusal to submit to the questioning of the commis-
sioners was construed into a consciousness of guilt. The
contents of the satchels and saddle-bags were poured forth
before the council, and appearcil a mountain of evidence. A
pale bilious orator took the floor, and declaimed for hours and
in belligerent terms. He was one of those furious zealots who
blow the bellows of faction until the whole furnace of politics
is red-hot with sparks and cinders. What was it to him if
he should set the house on fire, so that he might boil his pot
by the blaze? He was from the borders of Connecticut; his
constituents lived by marauding their Dutch neighbours, and
were the greatest poachers in Christendom, excepting the
Scotch border nobles. His eloquence had its effect, and it
was determined to set on foot an expedition against the Nieuw-
Nederlands.

It was necessary, however, to prepare the public mind for
this measure. Accordingly the arguments of the orator were
echoed from the pulpit for several succeeding Sundays, and
a crusade was preached up against Peter Stuyvesant and his
devoted city.

This is the first we hear of the " drum ecclesiastic " beating
up for recruits in worldly warfare in our country. It has since
been called into frequent use. A cunning politician often lurks
under the clerical robe ; things spiritual and things temporal
are strangely jumbled together, like drugs on an apothecary's
shelf; and instead of a peaceful sermon, the simple seeker
after righteousness has often a political pamphlet thrust down
his throat, labelled with a pious text from Scripture.

And now nothing was talked of but an expedition against
the Manhattoes. It pleased the populace, who had a vehement
prejudice against the Dutch, considering them a vastly inferior
race, who had sought the new world for the lucre of gain, not
the liberty of conscience ; who were mere heretics and infidels,
inasmuch as they refused to believe in witches and sea-ser-
pents, and had faith in the virtues of horse-shoes nailed to the
door ; ate pork without molasses ; held pumpkins in contempt,
and were in perpetual breach of the eleventh commandment
of all true Yankees, " Thou shalt have codfish dinners on
Saturdays."

No sooner did Peter Stuyvesant get wind of the storm tliat
Has brewing in the east, than he set to work to prepare for it.
■we was not one of those economical rulers, who postpone the

CHAP. VII.] TETER STUYVESA^JT. 171

expense of fortifying until the enemy is at the door. There
is nothing, he woukl say, that keeps off enemies and crows
more than the smell of gunpowder. He proceeded, therefore,
with all diligence, to put the province and its metropolis in a
posture of defence.

Among the remnants which remained from the days of
William the Testy, were the militia laws ; by which the in-
habitants were obliged to turn out twice a year, with such
military equipments as it pleased God ; and were put under
the command of tailors and man-milliners, who, though on
ordinaiy occasions they might have been the meekest, most
pippin-hearted little men in the world, were very devils at
parades, when they had cocked hats on their heads and swords
by their sides. Under the instructions of these })eriodical
warriors, the peaceful burghers of the Manhattoes were
schooled in iron war, and became so hardy in the process of
time, that they could march through sun and rain, from one
end of the town to the other, without flinching ; and so in-
trepid and adroit, that they could face to the right, wheel to
the left, and fire without winking or blinking,

Peter Stuyvesant, like all old soldiers who have seen
service and smelt gunpowder, had no great respect for militia
troops ; liowever, he determined to give them a trial, and ac-
cordingly called for a general muster, inspection, and review.
But, oh Mars and Beilona ! what a turning out was here I
Hei-e came old Roelant Cuckaburt, with a short blunderbuss
on his shoulder, and a long horseman's sword trailing by his
side ; and Bai'ent Dirkson, with something that looked like a
copper kettle turned upside down on his head, and a couple
of old horse- pistols in his belt ; and Dirk Volkertson, with a
long duck fowling-piece without any ramrod ; and a host
more, armed higgledy-piggledy with swords, hatchets, snicker-
snees, crowbars, broomsticks, and what not ; the officers dis-
tinguished from the rest by having their slouched hats cocked
up with pins, and surmounted with cocktail feathers.

The sturdy Peter eyed this nondescript host with some
such rueful aspect as a man would eye the devil, and deter-
mined to give his feather-bed soldiers a seasoning. He ac-
cordingly put them tlirough their manual exercise over and
over again , trudged tliem backwards and forwards about the
streets of NcAv-Amsterdam, until tlutir short legs ached and
their fat sides sweated again, and finally encamped them in
the evening on the summit of a hill without the city, to give

172 HISTORY OF NEW- YORK. [bOOK V.

them a taste of camp life, intending the next day to renew
the toils and perils of the held. But so it came to pass that
in the night there fell a great and heavy rain, and melted
away the army, so that in the morning when Gaiier Phoebus
shed his first beams upon the camp scarce a warrior remained,
excepting Peter Stuyvesant and his trumpeter Van Corlear.

This awful desolation of a whole army would have appalled
a commander of less nerve ; but it served to confirm Peter's
Avant of confidence in the militia system, which he thencefor-
ward used to call, in joke — for he sometimes indulged in a
joke — William the Testy 's broken reed. He now took into
his service a goodly number of burly, broad-shouldered,
broad-bottomed Dutchmen ; whom he paid in good silver and
gold, and of whom he boasted that, whether they could stand
lire or not, they were at least water-proof.

He fortified the city, too, with pickets and pallisadoes, ex-
tending across the island from river to river; and, above all,
cast up mud batteries or redoubts on the point of the island,
where it divided the beautiful bosom of tlie bay.

These latter redoubts, in process of time, came to be plea-
santly overrun by a carpet of grass and clover, and oversha-
dowed by wide-spreading elms and sycamores ; among the
branches of which the birds would build their nests and re-
joice the ear with their melodious notes. Under these trees,
too, the old burghers would smoke their afternoon pipe ; con-
templating the golden sun as he sank in the west, an emblem
of the tranquil end toward which they were declining. Here,
too, would the young men and maidens of the town take their
evening stroll, watching the silver moonbeams as they trem-
bled along the calm bosom of the bay, or lit up the sail of
some gliding bark, and peradventure interchanging the soft
vows of honest affection ; for to evening strolls in this favoured
spot were ti-aced most of the marriages in New- Amsterdam.

Such was the origin of that renowned promenade, The
Battery, which, though ostensibly devoted to the stern pur-
poses of war, has ever been consecrated to the sweet delights
of peace. Tlic scene of many a gambol in happy childhood
— of many a tender assignation in riper years — of many a
soothing walk in declining age — the healthful resort of the
feeble invalid — the Sunday refreshment of the dusty trades-
man— in fine, the ornament and delight of New-York, and
the pride of the lovely island of Manna-hata.

CHAP. "\TII.] PETER STUYVESANT, - 173

CHAP. VIII.

Having thus provided for the temporary security of New-
Amsterdam, and guarded it against any sudden surprise, the
gallant Peter took a hearty pinch of snuflf", and snapping his
iingers, set the great council of Amphictyons and their cham-
pion, the redoubtable Alicxsander Partridg, at defiance. In
tl'.e meantime the moss-troopers of Connecticut, the warriors
of New Haven and Hartford, and Pyquag — otherwise called^
Weathersfield, famous for its onions and its witches — and of
nil the other border towns, were in a prodigious turmoil, fur-
bishing up their rusty weapons, shouting aloud for war, and
anticipating easy conquests and glorious rummaging of the
fat little Dutch villages.

In the midst of these warlike preparations, however, they
received the chilling news that the colony of Massachusetts
refused to back them in this righteous war. It seems that the
gallant conduct of Peter Stuyvesant, the generous warmth of
his vindication, and the chivalrous spirit of his defiance, though
lost upon the grand council of the league, had carried convic-
tion to the general court of Massachusetts, which nobly refused
to believe him guilty of the villanous plot laid at his door.*

The defection of so important a colony paralysed the coun-
cils of the league. Some such dissension arose among its mem-
bers as prevailed of yore in the camf) of the brawling warriors
of Greece, and in the end the crusade against the Manhattoes
was abandoned.

It is said that the moss-troopers of Connecticut were sorely
disappointed ; but well for them that their belligerent crav-
ings were not gratified, for, by my faith, whatever might have
been the ultimate result of a conflict with all the powers of
the east, in the interim the stomachful heroes of Pyquag
would have been choked with their own onions, and all the
border towns of Connecticut would have had such a scouring
from the lion-hearted Peter and his robustious myrmidons,
that I warrant me they would not have had the stomach to
scpiat on the land, or invade the henroost of a Nederlander for
a century to come.

But it was not merely the refusal of Massachusetts to join

* Hazard's State Papers.

174 HISTORY OF XEW-TOIIK, [bOOK V.

in their unholy crusade that cofnfounded the councils of the
league ; for about this time broke out in the New-England
provinces the awful plague of witchcraft, which spread like
pestilence through the laud. Such a howling abomination
could not be suffered to remain long unnoticed ; it soon ex-
cited the fiery indignation of those guardians of the common-
wealth, who whilom had evinced such active benevolence in
the conversion of Quakers and Anabaptists. The grand
council of the league publicly set their faces against the
crime, and bloody laws were enacted against all " solem con-
versing or compacting with the divil by the way of con-
juracion or the like."* Strict search too was made after
witches, Avho were easily detected by devil's pinches ; by being
able to weep but three tears, and those out of the left eye ;
and by having a most suspicious predilection for black cats
and broomsticks ! What is pai'ticularly worthy of admiration
is, that this terriljle art, which has baffled the studies and re-
searches of philosophers, astrologers, theurgists, and other
sages, was chiefly confined to the most ignorant, decrepid, and
ugly old women in the community, with scarce more brains
than the broomsticks they rode upon.

When once an alarm is sounded, the public, who dearly
love to be in a panic, are always ready to keep it up. Eaise
but the cry of yellow fever, and immediately every head-ache,
indigestion, and overflowing of the bile is pronounced the ter-
rible epidemic ; cry out mad dog, and every unlucky cur in the
street is in jeopardy : so in the present instance, whoever was
troubled with colic or lumbago was sure to be bewitched ; and
woe to any unlucky old woman living in the neighbourhood.

It is incredible the number of offences that were detected,
" for every one of which," says the reverend Cotton Mather,
in that excellent work, the History of New-England, " we
have such a sufficient evidence, that no reasonable man in this
whole country ever did question them; and it will be unrea-
sonable to do it in any other "^

Indeed, that authentic and judicious historian, John Josce-
lyn, gent., furnishes us with unquestionable facts on this
subject. " There are none," observes he, " that beg in this
country, but there be witches too many — bottle-bellied
witches and others, that produce many strange apparitions, if

* New Plymouth Record.

f Mather's Hist. New Eng. b. vi. eh. 7.

CHAP. VITI. J PETER STUYVESANT. 175

you will believe report, of a shallop at sea manned with women
— and of a ship and great red horse standing by the main-mast;
the ship being in a small cove to the eastward vanished of a
sudden," etc.

The number of delinquents, however, and their magical de-
vices, were not more remarkable than their diabolical obsti-
nacy. Though exhorted in the most solemn, persuasive, and
affectionate manner, to confess themselves guilty, and be
burnt for the good of religion, and the entertainment of the
public, yet did they most pertinaciously persist in assert-
ing their innocence. Such incredible obstinacy was in itself
deserving of immediate punishment, and was sufficient pi'oof,
if proof were necessary, that they Avere in league with the
devil, who is perverseness itself. But their judges were just
and merciful, and were determined to punisli none that were
not convicted on the best of testimony ; not that they needed
any evidence to satisfy their own minds, for, like true and
experienced judges, their minds were perfectly made up, and
they were thoroughly satisfied of the guilt of the prisoners
before they proceeded to try them : but still something was
necessary to convince the community at large, to quiet those
prying quidnuncs who should come after them ; in short, the
world must be satisfied. Oh the world ! the world ! all the
world knows the world of trouble the world is eternally occa-
sioning! The worthy judges, therefore, were driven to the
necessity of sifting, detecting, and making evident as noon-
day, matters which were at the commencement all clearly
understood and firmly decided upon in their own pericra-
niums ; so that it may truly be said, that the witches were
burnt to gratify the populace of the day, but were tried for the
satisfaction of the whole world that should come after them.

Finding, therefore, that neither exhortation, sound reason,
nor friendly entreaty had any avail on these hardened of-
fenders, they resorted to the more urgent arguments of tor-
ture ; and having thus absolutely wrung the truth from their
stubborn lips, they condemned them to undergo the roasting
due unto the heinous crimes they had confessed. Some even
carried their perverseness so far as to expire under the tor-
ture, protesting their innocence to the last ; but these were
looked upon as thoroughly and absolutely possessed by the
devil, and the pious bystanders only lamented that they had
not lived a little longer to have perished in the flames.

176 HISTORY OF NEW-»*!3*:K. [bOOK V.

In the city of Ephesus, we are told that the plague was
expelled by stoning a ragged old beggar to death, whom
Apollonius pointed out as being the evil spirit that caused it,
and who actually showed himself to be a demon, by changing
into a shagged dog. In like manner, and by measures
equally sagacious, a salutary check was given to this grow-
ing evil. The witches were all burnt, banished, or panic-
struck, and in a little while there was not an ugly old woman
to be found throughout New-England; which is doubtless
one reason why all the young Avomen there are so handsome.
Those honest folk who had suffered from their incantations
gradually recovered, excepting such as had been afHicted with
twitches and aches, which, however, assumed the less alarm-
ing aspects of rheumatism, sciatics, and lumbagos ; and the
good people of New-England, abandoning the study of the
occult sciences, turned their attention to the more profitable
hocus pocus of trade, and soon became expert in the legerde-
main art of turning a penny. Still, however, a tinge of the
old leaven is discernible, even unto this day, in their cha-
racters ; witches occasionally start up among them in dif-
ferent disguises, as physicians, civilians, and divines. The
peoyde at large show a keenness, a cleverness, and a pro-
fundity of wisdom, that savours strongly of witchcraft ; and
it has been remarked, that whenever any stones fall from
the moon, the greater part of them is sure to tumble into
New-Ensland.

CHAP. IX.

When treating of these tempestuous times, the unknown
writer of the Stuyvesant manuscript breaks out into an apo-
strophe in praise of the good St. Nicholas, to whose protect-
ing care he ascribes the dissensions which broke out in the
council of the league, and the direful witchcraft which filled
all Yankee land as with Egyptian darkness.

A portentous gloom, says he, hung lowering over the fair
valleys of the east : the pleasant banks of the Connecticut
no longer echoed to the sounds of rustic gaiety ; grisly phan-
toms glided about each wnld brook and silent glen ; fearful
apparitions were seen in the air ; strange voices were heard
in solitary places ; and the border-towns were so occupied in
detecting and punishing losel witches, that, for a time, all

CHAP. IX.] PETER STUYVESANT. 177

talk of wav was suspended, and New-Amsterdam and its in-
habitants seemed to be totally forgotten.

I must not conceal the fact, that at one time there was
some danger of this plague of witchcraft extending into the
New-Netherlands ; and certain witches, mounted on broom-
sticks, are said to have been seen whisking in the air over
some of the Dutch villages near the borders ; but the worthy
Nederlanders took the precaution to nail horseshoes to their
doors, whicli it is well known are effectual barriers against
all diabolical vermin of the kind. Many of tliose horseshoes
may be seen at tliis very day on ancient mansions and barns,
remaining from the days of the patriarchs ; nay, the custom
is still kept up among some of our legitimate Dutch yeomanry,
who inherit from their forefathers a desire to keep witches
and Yankees out of the country.

And now the great Peter, having no immediate hostility to
apprehend from the east, turned his face, with characteristic
vigilance, to his soutliern frontiers. The attentive reader will
recollect that certain freebooting Swedes had become very
troublesome in this quarter in the latter part of the reign of
William the Testy, setting at naught the proclamations of
that veritable potentate, and putting his admiral, the intrepid
Jan Jansen Alpendam, to a perfect nonplus. To check the
incursions of these Swedes, Peter Stuyvesant now ordered a
force to that frontier, giving the command of it to General
Jacobus Van Poft'enburgh, an officer who had risen to great
importance during the reign of Wilhelmus Kieft. He had,
if histories spealc true, been second in command to the
doughty Van Curlet, when he and his warriors were iniiu-
manly kicked out of Fort Goed Hoop by the Yankees. In
that memorable affair Van Poffenburgh is said to have re-
ceived more kicks, in a certain honourable part, than any of his
comrades; in consequence of which, on the resignation of Van
Curlet, he had been promoted to his place, being considered a
hero who had seen service, and suffered in his country's cause.

It is tropically observed by honest old Socrates, that heaven
infuses into some men at their birtli a portion of intellectual
gold ; into others, of intellectual silver; while othei's ai'e intel-
lectually furnished with iron and brass. Of the last class was
General Van Poffenburgh, and it would seem as if Dame
Nature, wlio will sometimes be partial, had given him brass
enough for a dozen ordinary braziers. All this he had con-

ITS IIISTOKY OF NEW- YORK. [bOOK Ti

trivcd to pass oif upon William the Testy for genuine gold ;
and the little governor would sit for hours and listen to his
gunpowder stories of exploits, which left those of Tirante
the White, Don Belianis of Greece, or St. George and the
Dragon, quite in the background. Having been promoted
by AVilliam' Kieft to the command of his whole disposable
forces, he gave injportance to his station by the grandilo-
quence of his bulletins, always styling himself Commander-
in-chief of the armies of the New-Netherlands ; though in
sober truth these Armies were nothing more than a handful
of hei5-stealing, bottle-bruising ragamuffins.

In person iie was not very tall, but exceedingly round ;
neither did his bulk proceed from his being fat, but windy ;
being blown up by a prodigious conviction of his own impor-
tance, until he resembled one of those bags of wind given by
^olus, in an incredible fit of generosity, to that vagabond war-
rior, Ulysses. His wandy endowments had long excited the
admiration of Antony Van Corlear, who is said to have hinted
more than once to William the Testy, that in making Van
Poflf'enburgh a general, he had spoiled an admirable trumpeter.

As it is the practice in ancient story to give the reader a
description of the arms and equipments of every noted war-
rior, I will bestow a word upon the dress of this redoubtable
conmiander. It comported with his character, being so
crossed and slashed, and embroidered with lace and tinsel,
that he seemed to have as much brass without, as nature had
stored away within. He was swatlied too in a crimson sash,
of the size and texture of a fishing-net ; doubtless to keep his
swelling heart from bursting through his ribs. His face ,
glowed with furnace heat from between a huge pair of well-j
povrdered whiskers ; and his valorous soul seemed ready t.c
bounce out of a pair of large, glassy, blinking eyes, project
ing like those of a lobster.

I swear to thee, worthy reader, if history and tradition be-j
lie not tliis warrior, I would give all the money in ray pocket
to have seen him accoutred cap-a-pie — booted to the middlel
— sashed to the chin — collared to the ears — wiskered to the
teeth — crowned with an overshadowing cocked hat, and!
girded with a leathern belt ten inches broad, from w]uch.|
trailed a falcliion, of a length that I dare not mention. Thus
equipped, he strutted about, as bitter-looking a man of war|
as the far-famed More, of More Hall, when he sallied fortl
to slay the Dragon of Want.ley. For what says the ballad ?j

CHAP. IX.] PETER STUYVESANT. 179

" Had you but seen liim in this dress,

How fierce he looked and how bi^',
You would hfive thought him for to be

Some Egyptian porcupig.
He frighted all — cats, dogs, and all.

Each cow, each horse, and each hog ;
For fear they did flee, for they took him to be

Some strange outlandish hedgehog."*

I iniist confess this general, ■with all his oufv/ard valour
and ventosity, was not exactly an officer to Peter Stnyvesant's
taste, but he stood foremost in the army list of Williatn the
Testy, and it is probable the good Petei', who was conscien-
tious in his dealings with all men, and had his military no-
tions of precedence, thought it but fair to give him a chance
of proving his right to his dignities.

To this copper captain, therefore, was confided the com-
mand of the troops destined to protect the southern frontier;
and scarce had he departed from his station than bulletins
began to arrive from him, describing his undaunted march
through savage deserts, over insurmountable mountains,
across impassable rivers, and through impenetrable forests,
conquering vast tracts of uninhabited country, and encoun-
tering more perils than did Xenophon in his far-famed retreat
Avith his ten thousand Grecians.

Peter Stuyvesant read all these grandilocpient dispatches
with a dubious screwing of the mouth and shaking of the
head ; but Antony Van Corlear repeated these contents in
the streets and market-places with an appropriate flourish
upon his trumpet, and the windy victories of tlie general re-
sounded through the streets of New-Amsterdam.

On arriving at the southern frontier. Van PofFenburgh
proceeded to erect a fortress, or strong-hold, on the South or
Delaware river. At first he bethought him to call it Fort-
Stuyvesant, in honour of the governor, a lowly kind of ho-
mnge pi-evalcnt in our country among speculators, militar}'
commanders, and office-seekers of all kinds, by which our
maps come to be studded with the names of political patrons
and temporary great men ; in the present instance. Van Pof-
fenburgh carried his homage to the most lowly degree, giving
his fortress the name of Fort Casimir, in honour, it is said, of
a favourite pair of brimstone trunk-breeches of his excellency.

* Ballad of Dragon of Wantley.
N 2

180 HISTORY OF XEW-TORK. [bOOK V.

As this fort will be found to give rise to important events,
it may be worth while to notice that it was afterwards called
Kieuw-Amstel, and was the germ of the present flourishing
town of New-Castlcj or, more properly speaking, No Castle,
there being nothing of the kind on the premises.

His fortress being finished, it would have done any man's
heart good to behold the swelling dignity with which the
general would stride in and out a dozen times a day, survey-
ing it in front and in rear, on this side and on that ; how
he woidd strut backwards and forwards, in full regimentals,
on the top of the raioi)arts ; like a vain-glorious cock-pigeon,
swelling and vapouring oa the top of a dovecote.

There is a kind of valorous spleen which, like wind, is apt
to grow unruly in the stomachs of newly made soldiers, com-
pelling them to bux-lobby brawls and broken-headed quar-
rels, unless there can be ibund some more harmless way to
give it vent. It is recorded, in the delectable romance of
Pierce Forest, that a young knight, being dubbed by King
Alexander, did incontinenUy gallop into an adjacent forest
and belabour the trees with such might and main, that he not
merely eased otf the sudden effervescence of his valour, but
convinced the whole court that he was the most potent and
courageous cavalier on the face of the earth. In like manner
the commander of Fort Casimir, when he found his martial
spirit waxing too hot within him, would sally forth into the
lields and lay about him most lustily with his sabre ; decapi-
tating cabbages by platoons ; hewing down lofty sunflowers,
which he termed gigantic Swedes ; and if, perchance, he
espied a colony of big-bellied pumpkins quietly basking in the
sun, "Ah! caitiff Yankees !" would he roar, "have I caught ye
at last?" So saying, with one sweep of his sword, he would
cleave the unhappy vegetables from their chins to their waist-
bands ; by which warlike havoc, his choler being in some sort
allayed, he would return into the fortress with the full con-
viction that he was a very miracle of military prowess.

He was a disciplinarian, too, of the first order. Woe to
any unlucky soldier who did not hold up his head and turn out
his toes when on parade ; or, who did not salute the general
in proper style as he passed. Having one day, in his Bible
researches, encountered tlie history of Absalom and his me-
lanclioly end, the general bethought him that, in a country
abounding with forests, his soldiers were in constant risk of

CHAP. IX.] PETER STUTVESANT. 181

a like catastrophe ; he therpfore, in an evil hour, issued
ordei-s for cropping the hair of both officers and men through-
out the garrison.

Now so it happened, that among his officers was a sturdy
veteran uamed Keldermeester ; who had cherished, through
a long life, a mop of hair not a little resembling the shag of
•a Newfoundland dog, terminating in a queue like the liandle
of a frying-pan, and queued so tightly to his head that his
oyes and mouth generally stood ajar, and his eyebrows were
drawn up to the top of his forehead. It may naturally be
supposed that the possessor of so goodly an appendage would
resist with abhorrence an order condemning it to the shears.
On hearing the general orders, he discharged a tempest of
veteran, soldier-like oaths, and dunder and blixums — swore
lie would break any man's head who attempted to meddle
with his tail — queued it stiffer than ever, and M'hisked it
about the garrison as fiercely as the tail of a crocodile.

The eelskin queue of old Keldermeester became instantly
an affiiir of the utmost importance. The commander-in-chief
\vas too enlightened an officer not to perceive that the disci-
pline of the garrison, the subordination and good order of the
armies of the Nieuw-Nederlands, the consequent safety of
the whole province, and ulcimately the dignity and prosperity
of their High Mightinesses the Lords States General, impe-
riously demanded the docking of that stubborn queue. He
<lecreed, therefore, that old Keldermeester should be publicly
shorn of his glories in presence of the whole garrison — the
old man as resolutely stood on the defensive — Avhereupon
he was arrested and tried by a court-martial for mutiny, de-
sertion, and all the other list of olFences noticed in the articles
of war, ending with a " videlicet, in w^earing an eelskin queue,
three feet long, contrary to orders." Then came on ar-
raignments, and trials, and pleadings ; and the whole garri-
son was in a ferment about this unfortunate queue. As it is
well known that the commander of a frontier post has the
power of acting pretty much after his own will, there is little
doubt but that the veteran would have been hanged or shot
at least, had he not luckily fallen ill of a fever, thi'ough mere
chagrin and mortification — and deserted from all earthly
command, with his beloved locks unviolated. Ilis obstinacy
I'eniained unshaken to the very last moment, when he directed

N 3

182 JIlttTORY Of XEW-YOUIC. [bOOK VI.

that he should be carried to his grave with his eelskin queue
sticking out of a hole in Iiis coffin.

This magnanimous affair obtained the general great credit
as a disciplinarian ; but it is liinted that he was ever after-
wra-ds subject to bad dreams and fearful visitations in the
night, when the grizzly spectrum of old Keldermeester would
stand sentinel by his bedside, erect as a pump, his enormous
queue strutting out like the handle.

BOOK VI.

CONTAINING THE SECOND PART OF THE REIGN OF PETER THE
HEADSTRONG, AND HIS GALLANT ACHIEVEMENTS ON THE
DELAAVARE.

CHAPTER I.

Hitherto, most venerable and courteous reader, have I shown
thee the administration of the valorous Stuyvesant, under the
mild moonshine of peace, or rather the grim tranquillity of
awful expectation ; but now the war-drum rumbles from afar,
the brazen trumpet brays its thrilling note, and the rude clash
of hostile arms speaks fearful prophecies of coming troubles.
The gallant warrior starts from soft repose — from golden
visions and voluptuous ease ; where, in the dulcet, " piping
time of peace," he sought sweet solace after all his toils. No
more in beauty's siren lap reclined, he weaves fair garlands
for his lady's brows ; no more entwines with flowers Jiis
shining sword, nor through the livelong lazy summer's day
chants forth his love-sick soul in madrigals. To manhood
roused, he spurns the amoi'ous flute ; doffs from his brawny
back the robe of peace, and clothes his pampered limbs in
panoply of steel. O'er his dark brow, where late the myrtle
waved, where wanton roses breathed enervate love, he rears
tlie beaming casque and nodding plume ; grasps the bright
shield, and shakes the ponderous lance ; or mounts with eager
pride his fiery steed, and burns for deeds of glorious chivalry!
But soft, worthy reader! I would not have you imagine
that any preurc chevalier, thus hideously begirt with iron,
existed in the city of New- Amsterdam. This is but a lofty

CHAP. 1.] PETER THE nEADSTRONG. 1 83

and gigantic mode, in which we lieroic writers always talk of
war, thereby to give it a noble and imposing aspect; equip-
ping our warriors with bucklers, helms, and lances, and such
like outlandish and obsolete weapons, the like of which per-
chance they had never seen or heard of; in the same manner
that a cunning statuary arrays a modern general or an admiral
in the accoutrements of a Ca3sar or an Alexander. The simple
truth, then, of all this oratorical flourish is this : that the
valiant Feter Stuy vesant all of a sudden found it necessary to
scour his rusty blade, which too long had rusted in its scab-
bard, and prepare himself to undergo those liardy toils of war,
in which liis mighty soul so much delighted.

Methinks I at this moment behold him in my imagination ;
or rather, I beliold his goodly portrait, wdiich still hangs up iu
the family mansion of the Stuyvesants, arrayed in all the
teri'ors of a true Dutcli general. His regimental coat of Ger-
man blue, gorgeously decorated with a goodly show of large
brass buttons, reaching from his waistband to his chin ; the
voluminous skirts turned up at tlie corners, and separating
gallantly behind, so as to display the seat of a sumptuous pair
of brimstone-coloured trunk-breeches, a graceful style still
prevalent among the warriors of our day, and which is iu
conformity to tlie custom of ancient heroes, who scorned to
defend themselves in rear. His face, rendei-ed exceeding
terrible and warlike by a pair of black mustachios ; his hair
strutting out on each side in stiffly pomatumed ear-locks, and
descending in a rat-tail queue below his waist ; a shining
stock of black leather supporting his chin, and a little but
fierce cocked hat, stuck with a gallant and fiery air over his
left eye. Such was the cliivalric ])ort of Peter the Head-
strong ; and w^hen iie made a sudden halt, planted himself
firmly on his solid supporter, with his wooden leg inlaid with
silver a little in advance, in order to strengthen his position,
liis right hand grasping a gold-headed cane, his left resting
upon the pummel of liis sword, his head dressing spiritedly
to the right, with a most appalling and hard-fivoured frown
upon his brow, he presented altogether one of the most com-
manding, bitter-looking, and soldier-like figures that ever
strutted upon canvas. Proceed we now to inquire the cause
of this warlike preparation.

In tlie preceding chapter we have spoken of the founding
of Fort Casimir, and of the merciless warfare waged by its

N 4

184 HISTORY OF NEW- YORK. [bOOK TI.

commander upon cabbages, sunflowers, and pumpkins, for
%vant of better occasion to flesli his sword. Now it came to
pass that liiglier up the Delaware, at his strong-hold of Tin-
nekonk, resided one Jan Printz, who styled himself Governor
of New- Sweden. If history belie not this redoubtable Swede,
he Avas a rival worthy of the windy and inflated commander
of Fort Casimir ; for Master David Pieterzen de Yrie, in his
excellent book of voyages, describes him as " weighing up-
wards of four hundred pounds," a huge feeder, and boAvser in
proportion, taking three potations pottle-deep at every meal.
He had a garrison after his OAvn heart at Tinnekonk, guzzling,
deep-drinking swashbucklers, who made the wild Avoods ring
■with their caiousals.

No sooner did this robustious commander hear of the
erection of Fort Casimir, tlian he sent a message to Van
Poffenburgh, Avarning liim olF the land, as being within the
bounds of his jurisdiction.

To this General Van Poffenburgh replied that the land
belonged to their High Mightinesses, having been regularly
purchased of the natives, as discoverers from the Manhattoes,
as Avitness the breeches of their land measurer, Ten Broeck.

To this the governor rejoined that the land had previously
been sold by the Indians to the SAvedes, and consequently was
under the petticoat government of her Swedish majesty,
Christiana ; and Avoe be to any mortal that Avore a breeches who
should dare to meddle even with the hem of her sacred garment.

I forbear to dilate upon the war of Avords which Avas kept
up for some time by these windy commanders ; Van Poffen-
burgh, however, had served under "William the Testy, and
was a veteran in this kind of Avarfare. GoAcrnor Printz,
finding he was not to be dislodged by these long shots, noAv
determined upon coming to closer quarters. Accordingly he
descended the river in great force and fume, and erected a
rival fortress just one SAvedish mile beloAv Fort Casimir, to
Avhich he gave the name of Helsenburg.

And noAv commenced a tremendous riA'alry between these
tAvo doughty commanders, striving to outstrut and outswell
each other, like a couple of belligerent turkeycocks. There
Avas a contest who should run up the tallest flagstaff and
dii-play the broadest flag ; all day long there Avas a furious
rolling of drums and tAvanging of trumpets in either fortress,
and, Avhichever had the Avind in its favour, would keep up a

CHAP, I.] PETER THE HEADSTRONG. 185

continual firings of cannon, to taunt its antagonist with the
smell of gunpowder.

On all these points of windy warfare the antagonists were
well matched ; but so it happened tliat tlie Swedish forti-ess
beijig lower down the river, all the Dutch vessels, bound to
Fort Casimir with supplies, had to pass it. Governor Printz
at once took advantage of this circumstance, and compelled
them to lower their flags as they passed under the guns of
his battery.

This was a deadly wound to the Dutch pride of General
Van PofFenburgh, and sorely would he swell when from the
ramparts of Fort Casimir he beheld the flag of their High
Mightinesses struck to the rival fortress. To heighten his
vexation. Governor Printz, who, as has been sho*vn, was a
huge trencherman, took the liberty of having the first rum-
mage of every Dutch merchant-ship, and securing to himself
and his guzzling garrison all the little round Dutch cheeses,
all the Dutch herrings, the gingerbread, the sweetmeat's, the
curious stone jugs of gin, and all the other Dutch luxuries,
on their way for the solace of Fort Casimir. It is possible he
may have paid to the Dutch skippers the full value of their
commodities, but Avhat consolation was this to Jacobus Van
Potfenburgh and his garrison, who thus found their favourite
supplies cut off, and diverted into the larders of the hostile
camp ? For some time this war of the cupboard was carried
on to the great festivity and jollification of the Swedes, while
the warriors of Fort Casimir found their hearts, or rather
their stomachs, daily failing them. At length the summer
heats and summer showers set in, and now, lo and behold! a
great miracle was wrought for the relief of the Nederlands,
not a little resembling one of the plagues of Egypt ; for it
came to pass that a great cloud of musquittos arose out of
the marshy borders of the river, and settled upon the fortress
of Hclsenburg, being doubtless attracted by the scent of the
fresh blood of the Swedish gormandizers. Nay, it is said
that the body of Jan Printz alone, which was as big and as full
of blood as that of a prize ox, Avas sufllicient to attract the
musquittos from every part of the countiy. For some time
the garrison endeavoured to hold out, but it was all in vain ;
the musquittos penetrated into every chink and crevice, and
gave them no rest day nor night ; and as to Governor Jan
Printz, he moved about as in a cloud, with musquitto music

186 HISTORY OF NEW-TORK. [bOOK VI.

in his ears, and musquitto stings to the very end of his nose.
Finally the garrison was fairly driven out of the fortress, and
obliged to retreat to Tinnekonk ; nay, it is said that the
musquittos followed Jan Priutz even thither, and absolutely
drove him out of the country; certain it is, he embarked for
Sweden shortly afterwards, and Jan Claudius Risingh was
sent to govern New-Sweden in his stead.

Such was the famous musquitto war on the Delaware, of
which General Van PofFenburgh would fain have been the
hero ; but the devout people of the Nieuw-Nederlands al-
ways ascribed the discomfiture of the Swedes to the miraculous
intervention of St. Nicholas. As to the fortress of Helseu-
burg, it fell to ruin, but the story of its strange destruction
was perpetuated by the Swedish name of Myggen-borg, that
is to say, Musquitto Castle.*

CHAP. II.

Jax Claudius Risingh, who succeeded to the command of
New-Sweden, looms largely in ancient records as a gigantic
Swede, who, had he not been rather knock-kneed and splay-
footed, might have served for the modd of a Samson or a
Hercules. He was no less rapacious than mighty, and, withal,
as crafty as he was rapacious, so that there is very little
doubt that, had he lived some four or five centuries since, he
would have figured as one of those v,-icked giants, who took
a cruel pleasure in pocketing beautiful princesses and dis-
tressed damsels, when gadding about the world, and locking
them up in enchanted castles, without a toilet, a change of
linen, or any other convenience. In consequence of which
enormities they fell under the high displeasure of chivalry,
and all true, loyal, and gallant knights were instructed to at-
tack and slay outright any miscreant they miglit happen to
find above six feet high ; which is doubtless one reason why
the race of large men is nearly extinct, and the generations
of latter ages are so exceedingly small.

Governor Risingh, notwithstanding his giantly condition,
was, as I have hinted, a man of craft. He was not a man to
rufile the vanity of General VanPofienburgh, or to rub his self-
conceit against the grain. On the contrary, as he sailed up

* Acrelius' History N. Sweden. For some notices of this miracnlous
tliscomliture of the Swedes, see N.-Y. Hist. Col., new series, vol. i. p. 412.

CHAP, n.] PETER THE HEADSTRONG. 187

the Delaware, he paused before Fort Casimir, displa3'ed his
flag, and fired a royal salute before dropping anchor. The
salute would doubtless have been returned, liad not the guns
been dismounted ; as it was, a veteran sentinel who had been
napping at his post, and had suffered his match to go out,
returned the compliment by discharging his musket with the
spark of a pipe borrowed from a comrade. Governor Ri-
singh accepted this as a courteous reply, and treated the for-
tress to a second salute, well knowing its commander was
apt to be marvellously delighted with these little ceremonials,
considering them so many acts of homage paid to his great-
ness. He then prepared to land with a military retinue of
thirty men, a prodigious pageant in the wilderness.

And now took place a terrible rummage and racket in Fort
Casimir, to receive such a visitor in proper style, and to make
an imposing appearance. The main guard was turned out
as soon as possible, equipped to the best advantage in the few
suits of regimentals, which had to do duty, by turns, with
the whole garrison. One tall, lank fellow appeared in a little
man's coat, with the buttons between his shoulders ; the skirts
scarce covering his bottom ; his hands hanging like spades,
out of the sleeves ; and the coat linked in front by worsted
loops made out of a pair of red garters. Another had a
cocked hat stuck on the back of his head, and decorated with
a bunch of cock's-tails ; a third had a pair of rusty gaiters
hanging about his heels ; while a fourth, a little duck-legged
fellow, was equipped in a pair of the general's cast-off breeches,
which he held up with one hand while he grasped his fire-
lock with the other. The rest were accoutred in similar
style, excepting three ragamuffins without shirts, and with
but a pair and a half of breeches between them; wherefore
they were sent to the black hole, to keep them out of sight,
that they might not disgrace the fortress.

His men being thus gallantly arrayed — those vfho lacked
muskets shouldering spades and pickaxes, and every man being-
ordered to tuck in his shirt-tail and pull up his brogues —
General Van Poffenburgh first took a sturdy drauglit of
foaming ale, which, like the magnanimous More, of More Hall,*

* " As s )on as lie rose.

To make him strong and mighty,
lie drank by tha tale, six pots of ale,
And a qmvrt of .aqua vitje."

Dragon of Wantley.

188 HISTORY OF NEW-YORK. [bOOK VI.

was his invariable practice on all great occasions ; this done,
he put himself at tlieir head, and issued forth from his castle
like a mighty giant just refreshed with wine. But when the
two heroes met, then began a scene of Avarlike parade that
beggars all description. The shrewd Risingh, Avho had grown
gray much before his time, in consequence of his craftiness,
saw at one glance the ruling passion of the great Van PofFen-
burgh, and humoured him in all his valorous fantasies.

Their detachments were accordingly drawn up in front of
each other, they carried arms and they presented arms, they
gave the standing salute and the passing salute, they rolled
their drums, they flourished their fifes, and they waved their
colours ; they faced to the left, and they faced to the right,
•and they faced to the right about ; they wheeled forward, and
they Avheeled backward, and they wheeled into echellon;
they marched and they countermarched, by grand divisions,
by single divisions, and by subdivisions ; by platoons, by
sections, and by files ; in quick time, in slow time, and in no
time at all ; for, having gone through all the evolutions of two
great armies, including the eighteen manosuvres of Dundas ;
.having exhausted all that they could recollect or imagine of
military tactics, including sundry strange and irregular evo-
lutions, the like of Avhich were never seen before or since,
excepting among certain of our newly-raised militia, the two
commanders and their respective troops came at length to a
dead halt, completely exhausted by the toils of war. Never
did two valiant train-band captains, or two buskined theatric
heroes, in the renowned tragedies of Pizarro, Tom Thumb,
or any other heroical and fighting tragedy, marshal their
gallows-looking, duck-legged, heavy-heeled myrmidons with
more glory and self-admiration.

These military compliments being finished, General Van
PofFenburgh escorted his illustrious visitor, with great cere-
mony, into the fort, attended him throughout the fortifica-
tions, showed him the horn-works, crown-works, half-moons,
and various other outworks, or rather the places where they
ought to be erected, and where they might be erected if he
pleased ; plainly demonstrating that it was a place of "great
capability," and though at present but a little redoubt, yet
that it was evidently a formidable fortress in embr3'^o. This
survey over, he next had the whole garrison put under arras,
exercised, and reviewed, and concluded by ordering the three

CHAP II.] PETER THE HEADSTRONG. 189

Bridewell birds to be hauled out of the black-hole, brought up
to the halberds, and soundly flogged lor the amusement of his
visitor, and to convince him that he was a gi-eat disciplinarian.

The cunning Risingh, while he pretended to be struck
dumb outright with the puissance of the great Van Poffen-
burgh, took silent note of the incompetency of his garrison,
of which he gave a wink to his trusty followers, who tipped
each other the wink, and laughed most obstreperously in
their sleeves.

The inspection, review, and flogging being concluded, the
pai'ty adjourned to the table ; foi", among his other great
qualities, the general was remarkably addicted to huge ca-
rousals, and in one afternoon's campaign would leave more
dead men on the held than he ever did in the whole course
of [his military career. JNIany bulletins of these bloodless
victories do still remain on record, and the whole province
was once thrown in amaze by the return of one of his cam-
paigns, wherein it was stated, that though, like Captain Bob-
adil, he had only twenty men to back him, yet in the short
space of six months he had conquered and utterly annihilated
sixty oxen, ninety hogs, one hundred sheep, ten thousand
cabbages, one thousand bushels of potatoes, one hundred and
lifty kilderkins of small beer, two thousand seven hundred
and thirty-five pipes, seventy-eight pounds of sugar-plums,
and forty bars of iron, besides sundry small meats, game,
poultry, and garden stuff; an achievement unparalleled since
the days of Pantagruel and his all-devouring army, and which
showed that it was only necessary to let Van Pofienburgh and
his garrison loose in an enemy's country, and in a little while
they would breed a famine, and starve all the inhabitants.

No sooner, therefore, had the general received intimation
of the visit of Governor Risingh, than he ordered a great
dinner to be prepared, and privately sent out a detachment of
his most experienced veterans to rob all the hen-roosts in
the neighbourhood, and lay tlie pigsties under contribution ; a
service which they discharged witli such zeal and promptitude,
that the garrison table groaned under the weight of their spoils,

I wish, with all ray heart, my readers could see the valiant
Van roffenburgh, as he presided at the head of the banquet ;.
it was a sight worth beholding : tliere he sat in his greatest
glory surrounded by his soldiers, like that iamous wine-bibber,
Alexander, whose thirsty virtues he did most ably imitate.

190 HISTORY OF NEW-YORK. [bOOK VI,

telling astounding stories of his hair-bi'eadtli adventures and
heroic exploits; at which, though all his auditors knew them
to be incontinent lies and outrageous gasconades, yet did
they cast up their eyes in admiration, and utter many inter-
jections of astonishment. Nor could the general pronounce
any thing that bore the remotest resemblance to a joke, but
the stout Risingh would strike his brawny fist upon the table
till every glass rattled again, throw himself back in the chair,
utter gigantic peals of laughter, and swear most horribly it
was the best joke he ever heard in his life. Thus all was
rout and revelry and hideous carousal within Fort Casimir,
and so lustily did Van PofFenburgh ply the bottle, that in
less than four short hours he made himself and his whole
garrison^ who all sedulously emulated the deeds of their chief-
tain, dead drunk, with singing songs, quafiing bumpers, and
drinking patriotic toasts, none of which but was as long as a
Welsh pedigree, or a plea in Chancery.

No sooner did things come to this pass, than Risingh and
his Swedes, who had cunningly kept themselves sober, rose
on their entertainers, tied them neck and heels, and took
formal possession of the fort and all its dependencies, in the
name of Queen Christina of Sweden, administering at the
same time an oath of allegiance to all the Dutch soldiers who
could be made sober enough to swallow it. Eisingh then put
the fortifications in order, appointed his discreet and vigilant
friend Susn Schlite, otherwise called Skytte, a tall, wind-
dried, water-drinking Swede, to the command, and departed,
bearing witli him this truly amiable garz'ison and its puissant
commander ; who, vvhen brought to himself by a sound drub-
bing, bore no little resemblance to a " deboshed fish," or
bloated sea -monster, caught upon dry land.

The transportation of the garrison was done to prevent the
transmission of intelligence to New- Amsterdam ; for much
as the cunning Risingh exulted in his stratagem, yet did he
dread the vengeance of the sturdy Peter Stuyvesant, whose
name spread as much terror in the neighbourhood as did
whilom that of the unconquerable Scanderbeg among his
scurvy enemies the Turks.

CHAP. III.] PETEK THE HEADSTRONG. 191

CHAP. III.

Whoever first described common fame, or rumour, as be-
longing to the sager sex, was a very owl for shrewdness. She
has in truth certain feminine qualities to an astonishing de-
gree, particularly that benevolent anxiety to take care of the
affairs of others, which keeps her continually hunting after
secrets and gadding about proclaiming them. Whatever is
done openly and in the face of the world, she takes but tran-
sient notice of; but whenever a transaction is done in a
corner, and attempted to be shrouded in mystery, then her god-
dess-ship is at her wits' end to find it out, and takes a most
mischievous and lady-like pleasure in publishing it to the
world.

It is this truly feminine propensity which induces her con-
tinually to be prying into the cabinets of princes, listening at
the key-holes of senate-chambers, and peering through chinks
and crannies, when our worthy congress are sitting with
closed doors, deliberating between a dozen excellent modes
of ruining the nation. It is this which makes her so baneful
to all wary statesmen and intriguing commanders — such a
stumbling-block to private negotiations and secret expedi-
tions ; betraying them by means and instruments which never
would have been thought of by any but a female head.

Thus it was in the case of the affair of Fort Casimir. No
^oubt the cunning Eisingh imagined, that, by securing the
garrison, he should for a long time prevent the history of its
fate from reaching the ears of the gallant Stuyvesant ; but
his exploit was blown to the world when he least ex-
pected ; and by one of the last beings he would ever have
suspected of enlisting as trumpeter to the wide-mouthed deity.
This w"as one Dirk Schuiler (or Skulker), a kind of hanger-
on to the garrison, who seemed to belong to nobody, and in a
manner to be self-outlawed. He was one of those vagabond
cosmopolites who shark about the world, as if they had no
right or business in it, and who infest the skirts of society like
poachers and interlopers. Every garrison and country village
has o^ie or more scapegoats of this kind, whose life is a kind
of enigma, whose existence is without motive, who comes
from the Lord knows where, who lives the Lord knows how,
and who seems ci'eatedfor no other earthly purpose but to keep

192 HISTORY OF NEW-YORK. [bOOK VI.

up the ancient and honourable order of idleness. This vagrant
philosopher was supposed to have some Indian blood in his
veins, which was manifested by a certain Indian complexion
and cast of countenance, but more especially by his pro-
pensities and habits. He was a tall, lank fellow, swift of
foot, and long-winded. He was generally equipped in a half
Indian di'ess, with belt, leggings, and raoccasons. His hair
hung in straight gallows locks about his ears, and added not
u little to his sharking demeanour. It is an old remark, that
persons of Indian mixture are half civilised, half savage, and
half devil — a third half being provided for their particular
convenience. It is for similar reasons, and probably with
equal truth, that the backwoodsmen of Kentucky are
styled half man, half horse, and half alligator, by the settlers
on the Mississippi, and held accordingly in great respect and
abhorrence.

The above character may have presented itself to the gar-
rison as applicable to Dirk Schuiler, whom they familiarly
dubbed Gallows Dirk. Certain it is, he acknowledged alle-
giance to no one — was an utter enemy to work, holding it in
no manner of estimation — but lounging about the fort, de-
pending upon chance for a subsistence, getting drunk when-
ever he could get liquor, and stealing whatever he could lay
his hands on. Every day or two he was sure to get a sound
rib-roasting for some of his misdemeanours ; which, however,
as it broke no bones, he made very light of, and scrupled not
to repeat the oti'ence whenever another opportunity pre-
sented. Sometimes, in consequence of some flagrant villany,
he would abscond from the garrison, and be absent for a
month at a time ; skulking about the woods and swamps, with
a long fowling-piece on his slioulder, lying in ambush for
game, or squatting himself down on the edge of a pond
catching fish for hours together, and bearing no little re-
semblance to that notable bird of the crane family, yclept
the Mudpoke. When he thought his crimes had been for-
gotten or forgiven, he would sneak back to the fort with a
bundle of skins, or a load of poultry, which, perchance, he
had stolen, and would exchange them for liquor, with which
having well soaked his carcass, he would lie in the sun, and
enjoy all the luxurious indolence of that swinish philosopher
Diogenes. He was the terror of all the farmyards in the
country, into which he made fearful inroads ; and sometimes

CSHAP. in.] PETEK THE nEADSTUOKG. 193

he would make his sudden appearance in tlieprarrison at day-
break, with the whole neighbourhood at his heels ; like the
scoundrel thief of a fox, detected in his maraudings and
hunted to his hole. Such was this Dirk Schuiler ; and from
tlie total indifference he showed to the world and its concerns,
and from his truly Indian stoicism and taciturnity, no one
woukl ever have di-enmt that he would have been the publisher
of the treachery of Risingh.

Wlien the carousal was going on, which ]-»roved so fatal to
the brave Poffenburgh and his watchful garrison, Dirk
skulked about from room to room, being a kind of privilecred
vagrant, or useless hound, whom nobody noticed. But
though a fellow of few words, yet, like your taciturn people,
his eyes and ears were always open, and in the course of his
prowlings he overheard the whole plot of the Swedes. Dirk
immediately settled in his own mind how he should turn the
matter to his own advantage. He played the perfect jack-of-
both-sides — that is to say, he made a prize of eveiy-thing
that came in his reach, robbed both parties, stuck the copper-
bound cocked hat of the puissant Van Poffenbnrgh on his
head, whipped a huge pair of Risingh's jack -boots under his
arms, and took to his heels, just before the catastrophe and
confusion at the garrison.

Finding himself completely dislodged from his haunt in
this quarter, he directed his flight towards his native place,
New-Amsterdam, whence he had formerly been obliged to
abscond precipitately, in consequence of misfortune in busi-
ness— that is to say. having been detected in the iict of
sheep-stealing. After wandering many days in the woods,
toiling through swamps, fording brooks, swimming various
rivers, and encountering a world of hardships that would
have killed any other being but an Indian, a backwoodsman,
or the devil, he at length arrived, half famished, and lank as
a starved weasel, at Communipaw, where he stole a canoe, and
paddled over to Few-Amsterdam. Immediately on landing,
he repaired to Governor Stuyvesant, and in more words than
he had ever spoken before in thf whole course of his life, gave
an account of the disastrous affair.

On receiving these direful tidings, the valiant Peter started
from his seat — dashed the pipe he was smoking against the
back of the chimney — thrust a prodigious quid of tobacco
into his left cheek — pulled up his gaUigaskins, and strode

o

194 HISTORY OF NEW- YORK. [liOOK VI.

up and down the room, humming, as was customary with him
when in a passion, a hideous north-west ditty. But, as I liave
before shown, he was not a man to vent his spleen in idle va-
pouring. His first measure, after the paroxj sm of wratli had
subsided, was to stump upstairs to a huge wooden chest which
served as his armoury, from whence he drew forth that iden-
tical suit of regimentals described in the preceding chapter.
In these portentous habiliments he arrayed himself, like
Achilles in the armour of Vulcan, maintaining all the while
an appalling silence, knitting his brows, and drawing his
breath through his clenched teeth. Being hastily equipped,
he strode down into the parlour, and jerked down his trusty
sword i'rom over the fireplace, where it was usually suspended ;
but before he girded it on his thigh, he drew it from its scab-
bard, and as his eye coursed along the rusty blade, a grim
smile stole over his iron visage ; it was the first smile that
bad visited his countenance lor five long weeks ; but every
one wlio beheld it prophesied that there would soon be warm
work in the province I

Thus armed at all points, with grisly war depicted in each
feature, his very cocked hat assuming an air of uncommon
defiance, he instantly put himself upon the alert, and dis-
patched Anthony Van Corlear hither and thither, this way
and that way, through all the muddj' streets and crooked
lanes of the city, summoning by sound of trumpet his trusty
peers to assemble in instant council. This done, by way of
expediting matters, according to the custom of people in a
hurry, he kept in continual bustle, shifting from chair to chair,
popping his head out of every window, and stumping up and
down stairs with his wooden leg in such brisk and incessant
moticn, that, as we are informed by an authentic historian of
the times, the continual clatter bore no small resemblance to
the music of a cooper hooping a flour-barrel.

A summons so peremptory, and from a man of the go-
vernor's mettle, was not to be trifled with : the sages forth-
with repaired to the council-chamber, seated themselves with
the utmost tranquillity, and lighting their long pipes, gazed
with unruffled composure on his excellency and his regi-
mentals ; being, as all counsellors should be, not easily flus-
tered, nor taken by surprise. The governor, looking ai'ound
for a moment with a lofty and soldier-like air, and resting
one hand on the pommel of his sword, and flinging the other

CHAP, m.] PETEK, THE HEADSTRONG. 195

forth in a free and spirited manner, addressed them in a s'lort
but soul-stirring harang-ue.

I am extremely sorry that I have not the advantages of
Livy, Thucydides, Plutarch, and others of my predecessors
wlio were furnished, as I am told, with the speeches of all
their heroes taken down in short-hand by the most accurate
stenographers of the time, whereby they were enabled won-
derfully to enrich their histories, and delight their readers
with sublime strains of eloquence. Not having such im-
portant auxiliaries, I cannot possibly pronounce what was
the tenor of Governor Stuyvesant's speech. I am bold, how-
ever, to say, from the tenor of his character, that he did not
wrap his rugged subject in silks and ermines, and other
sickly trickeries of phrase, but spoke forth like a man of nerve
and vigour, who scorned to slirink in words from thosedangers
which he stood ready to encounter in very deed. This much
is certain, that he concluded by announcing his determination
to lead on his troops in person, and rout these costardmonger
Swedes from their usui'ped quarters at Fort Casimir. To
this hardy resolution, such of his council as were awake gave
their usual signal of concurrence ; and as to the rest, who had
fallen asleep about the middle of the harangue (their " usual
custom in the aftei'noon"), they made not the least objection.

And now was seen in the fair city of New-Amsterdam
a prodigious bustle and preparation for iron war. Recruiting
parties marched hither and thither, calling lustily upon all
the scrubs, the runngates, and tatterdermalions of the Man-
hattoes and its vicinity, who had any ambition of sixpence a
day, and immortal fame into the bargain, to enlist in the cause
of glory ; for I would have you note that your warlike heroes
who trudge in the rear of conquerors are generally of that
illustrious class of gentlemen who are equal candidates for the
army or the bridewell, the halberds or the whipping-post, for
whom Dame Fortune has cast an even die whether they shall
make their exit by the sword or the halter, and whose deaths
shall, at all events, be a lofty example to their country-men.

But, notwithstanding all this martial rout and invitation,
the ranks of honour were but scantily supplied, so averse
were the peaceful burghers of New- Amsterdam from enlisting
in foreign broils, or stirring beyond that liome which rounded
all their earthly ideas. Upon beholding this, the great Peter,
whose noble heart was all on fire with war and sweet revenge,

o 2

196 HISTORY OF KEW-YOEK. [bOOK TT.

tleteririined to wait no longer for the tardy assistance of these
oily citizens, but to innster up his merry men of the Hudson,
■who, brought up among woods, and wilds, and savage beasts,
like our yeomen of Kentucky, delighted in nothing so much
as desperate adventures and perilous expeditions through the
wilderness. Thus resolving, he ordered his trusty squire,
Antony Van Corlear, to have his state galley prepared and
duly victualled ; which being performed, he attended public
service at the great church of St. [Nicholas, like a true and
pious governor ; and then, leaving peremptory orders with
his council to have the chivalry of the ISIanhattoes marshalled
out and appointed against his return, departed upon his re-
cruiting voyage up the waters of the Hudson.

CHAP. IV.

Kow did the soft breezes of the south steal sweetly over tl e
face of nature, tempering the panting heats of summer into
genial and prolific warmth, when that miracle of hardihood
and chivalric virtue, the dauntless Peter Stuyvesant, spread
his canvas to the wind, and departed from the fair island of
]\Ianna-hata. The galley in which he embarked was sump-
tuously adorned with pendants and streamers of gorgeous
dyes, which fluttered gaily in the wind, or drooped their ends
into the bosom of the stream. The bow and poop of this
majestic vessel were gallantly bedight, after the rarest Dutch
fashion, with figures of little pursy Cupids with periAvigs on
their heads, and bearing in their hands garlands of flowers
the like of which are not to be found in any book of botany,
being the matchless flowers which flourished in the golden
age, and exist no longer, unless it be in the imaginations of
ingenious carvers of wood and discolourers of canvas.

Thus rarely decorated, in style befitting the puissant po-
tentate of the Manhattoes, did the galley of Peter Stuyvesant
launch forth upon the bosom of the lordly Hudson, which, as
it rolled its broad waves to the ccean, seemed to pause for a
while and swell with pride, as if conscious of the illustrious
burden it sustained.

But trust me, gentlefolk, far other was tlie scene presented
to the contemplation of the crew from that which may be
witnessed at this degenerate day. Wildness and savage
majesty reigned on the borders of this mighty river ; the

CHAP. IV. J PETER THE HEADSTRONG. 197

hand of cultivation had not as yet laid low tlie dark forest
and tamed the features of the landscape, nor had the frequent
sail of commerce broken in upon the profound and awful
solitude of ages. Here and there might be seen a rude wig-
wam perched among the cliffs of the mountains with its
curling column of smoke mounting in the transparent at-
mosphere, but so loftily situated that the whoopings of the
savage children, gambolling on the mai'gin of the dizzy heights,
fell almost as faintly on the ear as do the notes of the lark
when lost in the azure vault of heaven. Now and then, from
the beetling brow of some precipice, the wild deer would look
timidly down upon the splendid pageant as it passed below,
and then, tossing liis antlers in the air, would bound avvay
into the thickets of the forest.

Through such scenes did the stately vessel of Peter Stuy-
vesant pass. Now did they skirt the bases of the rocky
heights of Jersey, which spring up like everlasting walls,
reachingfrom the waves unto the heavens, and were fashioned,
if tradition may be believed, in times long past, by the mighty
spirit of Manetiio, to protect his favourite abodes from the un-
hallowed eyes of mortals. Now did they career it gaily across
t!ie vast expanse of Tappan Bay, whose wide-extended shores
present a variety of delectable scenery ; here the bold pro -
montory, crowned with embowering trees, advancing into the
bay ; there the long woodland slope, sweeping up from the
shore in rich luxuriance, and terminating in the upland pre-
cipice, while at a distance a long waving line of rocky heiglits
threw their gigantic shades across the water. Now would
they pass where some modest little interval, opening among
these stupendous scenes, yet retreating as it were for pro-
tection into the embraces of the neighbouring mountains, dis-
played a rural paradise, fraught with sweet and pastoral
beauties; the velvet-tufted lawn, the bushy copse, the tinkling
rivulet, stealing through the fresli and vivid verdure, on
whose banks was situated some little Indian village, or, per-
adventure, the rude cabin of some solitary huntei*.

The different periods of the revolving day seemed each,
with cunning magic, to diffuse a different charm over the
scene. Now would the jovial sun break gloriously from the
east, blazing from the summits of the hills, and sparkling the
landscape with a thousand dewy gems ; while along the bor-
ders of the river were seen heavy masses of mist, which, like

o 3

198 HISTOBr OP NEW-YORK. [bOOK \1.

midnight caitiffs, disturbed at his reproach, made a sluggish
retreat, rolling in sullen reluctance up the mountains. At
such times all was brightness, and lite, and gaiety ; the at-
mosphere was of an indescribable pureness and transparency,
the birds broke forth in wanton madrigals, and the freshening
breezes wafted the vessel merrily on her course. But when
the sun sunk amid a Hood of glory in the west, mantling the
heavens and the earth with a thousand gorgeous dyes, then
all was calm, and silent, and magnificent. The late swelling
sail hung lifelessly against the mast ; the seamen, with folded
arms, leaned against the shrouds, lost in that involuntary
musing wliich tlie sober grandeur of nature commands in the
rudest of her children. The vast bosom of the Hudson was
like an unruffled mirror, reflecting the golden splendour of
the heavens ; excepting that now and then a bark canoe
would steal across its surface, tilled with painted savages,
whose gay feathers glared brightly, as perchance a lingering
ray of the setting sun gleamed upon them from the western
mountains.

But when the hour of twilight spread its majestic mists
around, then did the face of nature assume a thousand fugitive
charms, which to the worthy heart that seeks enjoyment in
the glorious works of its Maker are inexpressibly captivating.
The mellow dubious light that prevailed just served to tinge
with illusive colours tiie softened features of the scenery.
The deceived but delighted eye sought vainly to discern, in
the bi'oad masses of shade, the separating line between the
land and water, or to distinguish the fading objects that
seemed sinking into chaos. iSow did the busy fancy supply
the feebleness of vision, producing with industrious craft a
fairy creation of her own. Under her plastic wand the barren
rocks frowned upon the watery waste, in the semblance of
lofty towers, and high embattled castles; trees assumed the
direful forms of mighty giants, and the inaccessible summits
of the mountains seemed peopled with a thousand shadowy
beings.

!Now broke forth from the shores the notes of an innu-
merable variety of insects, which filled the air with a strange
but not inharmonious concert ; while ever and anon was
heard the melancholy plaint of the Whip-poor-will, who,
perched on some lone tree, wearied the ear of night with his
incessant moanings. The mind, soothed into a hallowed me-

CHAP. IV.] PETER THE HEABSXRONO. 199

laneholy, listened with pensive stillness to catch and distin-
guish each sound that vaguely echoed from the shore — now
and then startled, perchance, by the whoop of some straggling
savage, or by the dreary howl of a Avolf, stealing forth upon
his nightly prowlings.

Tluis happily did they pursue their course, until they en-
tered upon those awful defiles denominated the Highlands,
where it would seem that the gigantic Titans had erst waged
their impious war with heaven, piling up cliffs on cliffs, and
hurling vast masses of rock in wild confusion. But in sooth
very different is the history of these cloud-capped mountains.
These in ancient days, before the Hudson poured its waters
from the lakes, formed one vast prison, within whose rocky
bosom the omnipotent Manetho confined the rebellious spirits
who repined at his control. Here, bound in adamantine chains,
or jammed in rifted pines, or crushed by ponderous rocks,
they groaned for many an age. At length the conquering
Hudson, in its career towards the ocean, burst open their
prison-house, rolling its tide triumphantly through the stu-
pendous ruins.

Still, however, do many of them lurk about their old abodes ;
and these it is, according to venerable legends, that cause the
echoes which resound throughout these awful solitudes, which
are nothing but their angry clamours when any noise disturbs
the profoundness of their repose. For when the elements are
agitated by tempest, when the winds are up and the thunder
rolls, tlien horrible is the yelling and howling of these troubled
spirits, making the mountains to rebellow witii their hideous
uproar ; for at such times it is said that they think the great
Manetho is retu>rning once more to plunge them in gloomy
caverns, and renew their intolerable captivity.

But all these fair and glorious scenes were lost upon the
gallant Stuyvesant; nouglit occupied his mind but thoughts
of iron war, and proud anticipations of hardy deeds of arms.
Neither did his honest crew trouble their heads witli any ro-
mantic speculations of the kind. The pilot at the helm quietly
smoked his pipe, thinking of nothing either past, present, or
to come; those of his comrades who were not industriously
smoking under the hatches were listening with open mouths
to Antony Van Corlear; wlio, seated on the windlass, was
relating to them the marvellous history of those myriads of
fireflies, that sparkled like gems and spangles upon the dusky

o 4

200 mSTOKY OF NEW- YORK. [bOOK VI,

robe of niglit. These, according to tradition, were originally
a race of pestilent sempiternous beldames, who peopled these
parts long before the memory of man ; being of that abomi-
nated race emphatically called brimstones ; and who, for their
innumerable sins against the children of men, and to furnish
an awful warning to the l)eauteous sex, were doomed to infest
the earth in the shape of these threatening and terrible little
bugs ; enduring the internal torments of that fire, which they
formerly carried in their hearts and breathed forth in their
■words, but now are sentenced to bear about for ever — iu
their tails !

And now I am going to tell a fact, which I doubt much my
readers will hesitate to believe ; but if they do, they are wel-
come not to believe a word in this whole history — for nothing
whicii it contains is more true. It must be known then that
the nose of Antony the Trumpeter was of a very lusty size,
strutting boldly from his countenance like a mountain of
Golconda, being sumptuously bedecked with rubies and other
precious stones, the true regalia of a king of good fellows,
which jolly Bacchus grants to all who bouse it heartily at the
flagon. jNow thus it happened, that bright and early in the
morning, the good Antony, having washed his burly visage,
was leaning over the quarter-i-ailing of the galley, contem-
])lating it in the glassy wave below. Just at this moment the
illustrious sun, breaking in all his splendour from behind a
high blutf of the Highlands, did dart one of his most potent
beams full upon the refulgent nose of the sounder of brass ;
the reflection of Avhich shot straightway down, hissing hot,,
into the water, and killed a mighty sturgeon that was sporting
beside the vessel ! This huge monster being with inlinite
labour hoisted on board, furnished a luxurious repast to all
the crew, being accounted of excellent flavour, excepting
about the wound, where it smacked a little of brimstone ;
and this, on my veracity, was the flrst time that ever sturgeon
was eaten in these parts by Christian people.*

When this astonishing miracle came to be made known to
Peter Stuyvesant, and that he tasted of the unknown tish, he,,
as may well be supposed, marvelled exceedingly ; and as a

* The learned Hans Megapolousis, treating of the countiy about
Albany, in a letter which was written some time after the settlement
thereof, says, " There is iu the river great plenty of sturgeon, which we
Ckristians do not make use of, but the Indians eat them greedily."

CHAP, v.] PETER THE HEADSTRONG. 201

monument thereof, he gave the name of Antony's Nose to a
stout promontory in the neighbourhood ; and it has continued
to be called Antony's Nose ever since that time.

But hold, whither am I wandering ? By the mass, if I
attempt to accompany the good Peter Stuyvesant on this
voyage, I shall never make an end ; for never was there a
voyage so fraught with marvellous incidents, nor a river so
abounding with transcendant beauties, worthy of being se-
verally recoi'ded. Even now I have it on the point of my
pen to relate how his crew were most lioi'ribly frightened, on
going on shore above the Highlands, by a gang of merry
roistering devils, frisking and curveting on a tiat rock, which
projected into the river, and whicli is called the DuyveVs
Dans-Kamer to this very day. But no I Diedrich Knicker-
bocker, it becomes thee not to idle thus in thy historic way-
faring.

liecollect, that while dwelling with the fond garrulity of
age over these fairy scenes, endeared to thee by the recol-
lections of thy youtli, and the charms of a thousand legendary
tales, which beguiled the simple ear of thy childhood — re-
collect that thou art trifling with those fleeting moments
which should be devoted to loftier themes. Is not Time, re-
lentless Time ! shaking, with palsied hand, his almost ex-
hausted hour-glass beibre thee? — hasten then to pursue thy
weary task, lest the last sands be run ere thou hast finished
tby history of the Manhattoes.

Let us, tlien, commit the dauntless Peter, his brave galley,
and his loyal crew, to the protection of the blessed St. Ni-
cholas ; who, I have no doubt, will prosper him in his voyage,
while we await his return at the great city of New- Amsterdam.

CHAP. V.

"While thus the enterprising Peter was coasting, with flowing
sail, up the shores of the lordly Hudson, and arousing all the
phlegmatic little Dutch settlements upon its borders, a great
and puissant concourse of warriors was assembling at the city
of New-Amsterdam. And here that invaluable fragment of
antiquity, the Stuyvesant manuscript, is more than commonly
particular ; by which means I am enabled to record the illus-

202 HISTORY Oi^ NEW-YOKK. [bOOK VI.

trious host that encamped itself in the public square in front
of the fort, at present denomiuuted the Bowling Green.

In the centre, then^ was pitched the tent of the men of
battle of the Manhattoes, who being the inmates of the me-
tropolis, composed the lifeguards of the governor. These
were commanded by the valiant btotfel Brinkerhoof, who
whilom had acquired such immortal fame at Oyster Bay; they
displayed as a standard a beaver rampant on a field of orange ;
being the arms of the province, and denoting the persevering
industry and the amphibious origin of the Nederlanders.*

On their right hand might be seen the vassals of that re-
nowned Mynlieer, JMichael Faw |, who lorded it over the fair
regions of ancient Pavonia, and the lands away south, even
unto the Navesink Mountains J, and was moreover patroon of
Gibbet Island. His standard was borne by his trusty squire,
Cornelius Van Vorst, consisting of a huge oyster recumbent
upon a sea-green held, being the armorial bearings of his
favourite metropolis, Commuuipaw. He brought to the camp
a stout force of warriors, heavily armed, being each clad in
ten pair of linsey-woolsey breeches, and overshadowed by
broad-brimmed beavers, with short pipes twisted in their hat-
bands. These were the men who vegetated in the mud along
the shores of Favonia being of the race of genuine copper-
heads, and were fabled to have sprung from oysters.

At a little distance was encamped the tribe of warriors
who came from the neighbourhood of Hell-gate. These were
commanded by the Suy Dams and the Van Dams, incontineat
hard swearers, as their names betoken ; they were terrible
looking fellows, clad in broad-skirted gaberdines, of that
curious coloured cloth called thunder and lightning, and

* This was likewise the great seal of the New -Netherlands, as may
still be seen in ancient I'ecords.

f Besides what is related in the Stuyvesant MS., I have found mention
made of tliis illustrious patroon in another manuscript, which says, '• De
Heer (or the squire) iVlichael Paw, a Dutch subject, about 10th Aug.
1630, by deed purchased Staten Island. N.B. The same Michael Paw
had what the Dutch call a colonic at Pavonia, on the Jersey shore, ojipo-
site New- York; and his overseer, in 1636, was named Corns. Van
Vorst, a person of tiie same name, in 1769, owned I'awles Hook, and a
large farm at Pavonia, and is a lineal descendant from ^'an Vorst."

t So called from the Navesink tribe of Indians that inhabited these
parts. At present they are erroneously denominated the Neversink, or
Ncversunk. mountains.

CHAP, v.] PETER THE HEADSTUONG. 203

bore as a standard three devil's darning-needles, volant, in a
tlame-coloured field.

Hard by was the tent of the men of battle from the marshy
borders of the Waale-Boght* and the country thereabouts;
these were of a sour aspect, by reason that they lived on
crabs, which abound in these parts. They Avere the first in-
stitutors of that honourable oi-der of knighthood, called Fly-
market shirks ; and, if tradition speak true, did likewise intro-
duce the far-famed step in dancing, called "double trouble."
They were commanded by the fearless Jacobus Varra Vanger,
and had, moreover, a jolly band of Breuckelenf feriy-men,
who performed a brave concerto on conch shells.

But 1 refrain from pursuing this minute description, which
goes on to describe the warriors of Bloemen-dael, and Wee-
hawk, and Hoboken, and sundry other places, well known in
history and song — for now do the notes of martial music alarm
the people of New-Amsterdam, sounding afar from beyond
the walls of the city. But this alarm was in a little while
relieved ; for, lo! from the midst of a vast cloud of dust, they
recognised the brimstone-coloured breeches and splendid sil-
ver leg of Peter Stuyvesant, glaring in the sunbeams ; and
beheld him approaching at tlie head of a formidable army,
which he had mustered along the banks of the Hudson. And
here the excellent ^but anonymous writer of the Stuyvesant
manuscript breaks out into a brave and glorious description
of the forces, as they defiled through the principal gate of the
city, that stood by the head of Wall Street.

First of all came the Van Bummels, who inhabit the plea-
sant borders of the Bronx : these were short fat men, wearing
exceeding large trunk-breeches, and were renowned for feats
of tiie trencher ; they were the first inventors of suppavvn, or
mush and milk. — Close in their rear marched the Van Vlotens,
of Kaats-kill, horrible quaft'ers of new cider, and arrant brag-
garts in their liquor. — After them came the Van Pelts of
Groodt Esopus, dextrous horsemen, mounted upon goodly
switch-tailed steeds of the Esopus breed ; these were mighty
hunters of minks and muskrats, whence came the word Peltry.
— Then the Van Nests of Kinderlioeck, valiant robbers of
birds' nests, as their name denotes ; to these, if report may be

* Since corrupted into the Wallabout, the bay where the navj-yard is
situated. f Now spelt Brooklyn.

204 HiSTonr of new-yokk. [book vi.

believed, are we indebted for tlie invention of slap-jacks, or
buckwheat cakes. Tlien the Van Higgiubottoms, of Wrap-
ping's Creek ; these came armed with ferules and birchen
rods, being a race of schoolmasters, who first discovered the
marvellous sympathy between the seat of honour and the seat
of intellect — and that the shortest way to get knowledge into
the head was to hammer it into the bottom. — Then the Van
GroUs, of Anthony's Nose, who carried their liquor in fair
round little pottles, by reason they could not bouse it out of
their canteens, having such rare long noses. — Then the Gar-
deniers, of Hudson aud thereabouts, distinguished by many
triumphant feats : such as robbing watermelon patches, smok-
ing rabbits out of their holes, and the like, and by being great
lovers of x'oasted pigs' tails ; these were the ancestors of the re-
nowned congressman of that name. — Then the Van Hoesens,
of Sing-tSing, great choristers and players upan the jewsharp ;
these marched two and two, singing the great song of St.
Nicholas. — Then the Couenhovens, of Sleepy Hollow ; these
gave birth to a jolly race of publicans, who first discovered
the magic artifice of conjuring a quart of wine into a pint
bottle. — Then the Van Kortlandts, who lived on the wild
banks of the Croton, and were great killers of wild ducks,
being much spoken of for their skill in shooting with the long
bow. — Then the Van Bunschotens, of Nyack and Kakiat,
who were tlie first that did ever kick with the left foot ; they
were gallant bush-whackers and hunters of racoons by moon-
light.— Then the Van Winkles, of Haerlem, potent suckers
of eggs, and noted for running of horses, and running up of
scores at taverns ; they were the first that ever winked with
both eyes at once. — Lastly came the IvN'iCiCEKBOcivERS, of
the great town of Scaghtikoke, where the folk lay stones
upon the houses in windy weather, lest they should be blown
away. These derive their name, as some say, from Knicker,
to shake, and Bcker, a goblet, indicating thereby that they
were sturdy toss-puts of yore ; but, in truth, it was derived
from Knicker, to nod, and Boeken, books ; plainly meaning
that they were great nodders or dozers over books : from
them did descend the writer of this history.

Such was the legion of sturdy bush-beaters that poured iu
at the grand gate of New- Amsterdam ; the Stuy vesant ma-
nuscript indeed speaks of many more, whose names I omit to
mention, seeing that it behoves me to hasten to matters of
greater moment. Nothing could surpass the joy and martial

CHAP, v.] PETER THE UEADSTKONG. 205

pride of the lion-liearted Peter as he reviewed this michly
iiost of warriors, and he deteimined no loncer to defer tlje
gratification of his nuich-wished-for revenge upon the scoim-
drel Swedes at Fort Casimir.

But before I hasten to record those unmatchable events,
which will be found in the sequel of this faithful history, let
jr,e pause to notice the fate of Jacobus Van Poffenburgh, the
discomfited commander-in-chief of the armies of the New-
!Netherlands. Such is the inherent uncharitableness of human
rature, that scarcely did the ncAvs become public of his de-
plorable discomfiture at Fort Casimir, than a thousand scurvy
rumours were set afloat in New-Amsterdam, wherein it was
insinuated, that he had in reality a treaclierous understanding
with the Swedish commander; that he had long been in the
practice of privately communicating with the Swedes; toge-
ther with divers hints about "secret service money." To
all which deadly charges I do not give a jot more credit than
I think they deserve.

Certain it is, that the general vindicated his character by
the most vehement oaths and protestations, and put every
man out of the ranks of honour who dared to doubt his in-
tegrity. Moreover, on returning to New-Amsterdam, he
paraded up and down the streets with a crew of hard swearers
at his heels — sturdy bottle companions, whom he gorged and
fattened, and who were ready to bolster him through all the
courts of justice — heroes of his own kidne}', fierce-whiskered,
broad-shouldered, colbrand-looking swaggerers — not one of
whom but looked as though he could eat up an ox, and pick
his teeth with the horns. These lifeguard men quarrelled all
his quarrels, were ready to fight all his battles, and scowled
at every man that turned up his nose at the general, as though
they would devour him alive. Their conversation was in-
terspersed with oaths like minute-guns, and every bombastic
rliodomontade was rounded off by a thundering execration,
like a patriotic toast honoured with a discharge of artillery.

All these valorous vapourings had a considerable effect in
convincing certain profound sages, who began to think the
general a hero, of unmatchable' loftiness and magnanimity of
soul ; particularly as he was continually protesting on the
honour of a soldier — a marvellously high-sounding assever-
ation. Kay, one of the members of the council went so far
as to propose they sliould immortalise him by an imperishable
statue of plaster of Paris.

206 HISTORY OP NEW-YORK. [bOOK VI.

But the vigilant Peter the Headstrong was not thus to be
deceived. Sending privately for the commander-in-chief of
all the armies, and having heard all his story, garnished with
the customary pious oaths, protestations, and ejaculations —
" Harkee, comrade," cried he, "though by your own account
you are the most brave, upright, and honourable man in the
whole province, yet do you lie under the misfortune of being
damnably traduced, and immeasurably despised. Now, though
it is certainly hard to punish a man for his misfortunes, and
though it is very possible you are totally innocent of the
crimes laid to your charge ; yet as heaven, doubtless for some
wise purpose, sees fit at present to withhold all proofs of your *
innocence, far be it from me to counteract its sovereign will.
Beside, I cannot consent to venture my armies with a com-
mander whom they despise, nor to trust the welfare of my
people to a champion whom they distrust. Eetire therefore,
my friend, from the irksome toils and cares of public life,
with this comforting reflection — that if guilty, you are but
enjoying your just reward — and if innocent, you are not the
first great and good man who has most wrongfully been
slandered and maltreated in this wicked world — doubtless to
be better treated in a better world, where there shall be neither
error, calumny, nor persecution. In the meantime let me
never see your face again, for I have a horrible antipathy to
the countenances of unfortunate great men like yourself."

CHAP. VI.

As my readers and myself are about entering on as many
perils as ever a confederacy of meddlesome knights-errant
wilfully ran their heads into, it is meet that, like those hardv
adventurers, we should join hands, bury all differences, and
swear to stand by one another, in weal or woe, to the end of
the enterprise. My readers must doubtless perceive how
completely I have altered my tone and d(-poriment since we
first set out together. I warrant they then thought me a
crabbed, cynical, impertinent little son of a Dutchman ; for I
scarcely ever gave them a civil word, nor so much as touched
my beaver, when I had occasion to address them. But as we
jogged along together on the high road of my history, I gra-
dually began to relax, to grow more courteous, and occasion-

CHAP. Vl.J PETEK THE HEADSTRONG. 207

ally to enter into familiar discourse, until at length T came to
conceive a most social, companionable kind of regard for them.
This is just my way — I am always a little cold and reserved
at first, particularly to people whom I neither know nor care
for, and am only to he completely won by long intimacy.

Besides, why should I have been sociable to the crowd of
how-d'ye-do acquaintances that flocked around me at my first
appearance ? Many were merely attracted by a new face ;
and having stared me full in the title-page, walked off with-
out saying a word ; while others lingered yawningly through
the preface, and, having gratified their short-lived curiosity,
soon dropped off one by one. But, more especially to try their
mettle, I had recourse to an expedient, similar to one which,
we are told, was used by that peerless floAver of chivalry.
King Arthur ; who, before he admitted any knight to his in-
timacy, first required that he should show himself superior to
danger or hardships, by encountering unheard-of mishaps,
slaying some dozen giants, vanquishing wicked enchanters,
not to say a word of dwarfs, hippogriffs, and fiery dragons.
On a similar principle did I cunningly lead my readers, at the
first sally, into two or three knotty chapters, where they were
most wofully belaboured and bufl^eted by a host of pagan
philosophers and infidel writers. Though naturally a very
grave man, yet could I scarce refrain from smiling outright
at seeing the utter confusion and dismay of my valiant cava-
liers. Some dropped down dead (asleep) on ti]e field ; others
threw down my book in the middle of the first chapter, took
to tlieir heels, and never ceased scampering until they had
fairly run it out of sight ; when they stopped to take breath,
to tell their friends what troubles they had undei'gone, and
to warn all others from venturing on so thankless an expe-
dition. Every page thinned my ranks more and more ; and
of the vast multitude that first set out, but a comparatively
few made shift to survive, in exceedingly battered condition,
through the five introductory chapters.

What, then ! would you have had me take such sunshine,
faint-liearted recreants to my bosom at our first acquaintance ?
No — no ; I reserved my friendship for those who deserved
it. for those who undauntedly bore me company, in despite
of difficulties, dangers, and fatigues. And now, as to those
who adiiere to me at present, 1 take them aflfectionately by
the^iand. Worthy and| thrice-beloved readers! brave and

208 HISTORY OF NEAV-YORK. [bOOTC TI.

well-triecl comrarles ! who have faithfully followed my foot-
steps throufrh all my M'anflerinps — I salute you from my
heart — I pledjje myself to stand by you to the last ; and to
conduct you (so Heaven speed this trusty weapon which I
now hold between my fineers) triumphantly to the end of
this our stupendous undertaking.

But, hark I Avhile we are thus talkinsr, the city of New-
Amsterdam is in a bustle. The host of warriors encamped
in the Bowling Green are striking their tents ; the brazen
trumpet of Antony Van Corlear makes the welkin to re-
sound with portentous clangour — the drums beat — the stand-
ards of the Manliattoes, of Hell-gate, and of Michael Paw,
wave proudly in the air. And now behold where the ma-
riners are busy employed, hoisting the sails of yon topsail
iichooner and those clump-built sloops, which are to waft
the army of the Nederlanders to gather immortal honours on
the Delaware!

The entire population of the city, man, Avoman, and child,
turned out to behold the chivalry of New-Amsterdam, as it
paraded the streets previous to embarkation. Many a hand-
kerchief was waved out of the windows, many a fair nose
was blown in melodious sorrow on the mournful occasion.
The grief of the fair dames and beauteous damsels of Grenada
could not have been more vociferous on the banishment of
the gallant tribe of Abencerrages, than was that of the kind-
hearted fair ones of New-Amsterdam on the departure of
their intrepid warriors. Every love-sick maiden fondly
crammed tlie pockets of her hero with gingerbread and
dough-nuts ; many a copper ring was exchanged, and crooked
sixpence broken, in pledge of eternal constancy ; and there
remain extant to this day some love verses written on that
occasion, sufriciently crabbed and incomprehensible to con-
found the whole universe.

But it was a moving sight to see the buxom lasses, how
they hung about the doughty Antony Van Corlear ; for he
was a jolly, rosy- faced, lusty bachelor, fond of his joke, and
withal a desperate rogue among the women. Fain would
they have kept him to comfort them, while the army was
away, for besides what I have said of him, it is no more than
justice to add, that he was a kind-hearted soul, noted for his
benevolent attentions in comforting disconsolate wives during
the absence of their husbands ; and this made him to be very
much regarded by the honest burghers of the city. But

CHAP. VI.] PETER THE HE VDSTROXG. 209

nothinpi; could keep the valiant Antony from following the
heels of the old governor, whom he loved »s he did his very
soul ; so embracing all the young vrouws, and giving every
one of them, that had good teeth and rosy lips, a dozen hearty
smacks, he departed, loaded with their kind wishes.

Nor was the departure of the gallant Peter among th3
least causes of public distress. Though the old governor
was by no means indulgent to the follies and waywardness of
his subjects, yet somehow or other he had become strangely
popular among the people. There is something so capti-
vating in personal bravery, that, with the common mass of
mankind, it takes the lead of most other merits. The simple
folk of New-Amsterdam looked upon Peter Stuyvesant as a
prodigy of valour. His wooden leg, that trophy of his
martial encounters, was regarded with reverence and admi-
ration. Every old burgher had a budget of miraculous stories
to tell about the exploits of Hardkoppig Pit, wherewith he
regaled his children of a long winter night, and on which he
dwelt with as much delight and exaggeration, as do our
honest country yeomen on the hardy adventures of old Gene-
ral Putnam (or, as he is familiarly termed. Old Put) during
our glorious revolution. Not an individual but vei'ily be-
lieved the old governor was a match for Beelzebub himself;
and there was even a story told, with great mystery, and
under the rose, of his having shot the devil with a silver
bullet one dark stormy night, as he was sailing in a canoe
through Hell-gate ; but this I do not record as being an ab-
solute fact. Perish the man who would let fall a drop to
discolour the pure stream of history !

Certain it is, not an old woman in New-Amsterdam but
considered Peter Stuyvesant as a tower of strength, and
rested satisfied that the public welfare was secure, so long as
he was in the city. It is not surprising, then, that they
looked upon his departure as a sore affliction. With
heavy hearts they draggled at the heels of his troop, as they
marched down to the river side to embark. The governor
from the stern of his schooner gave a short but truly patri-
archal address to his citizens, wherein he recommended them
to comport like loyal and peaceable subjects — to go to church
regularly on Sundays, and to mind tlieir business all the
week besides. That the women should be dutiful and affec-
tionate to their husbands — looking after nobody's concerns

J?

210 HISTORiT OF NEW-YORK. [bOOK VI.

but their own, eschewing all gossipings and morning gad-
dings, and carrying short tongues and long petticoats. That
the men should abstain from intermeddling in public con-
ceits, intrusting the cares of government to the officers ap-
pointed to support them — staying at home, like good citizens,
making money for themselves, and getting children for the
benefit of their country. That the burgomasters should look
well to the public interest — not oppressing the poor nor indulg-
ing the rich — not tasking their ingenuity to devise new laws,
but faithl'ully enforcing those which were already made —
rather bending their attention to prevent evil thaa to punish
it ; ever recollecting that civil magistrates should consider
themselves more as guardians of public morals, than rat-catch-
ers, employed to entrap public delinquents. Finally, he ex-
horted them, one and all, high and low, rich and poor, to
conduct themselves as icell as they could, assuring them that
if they faithfully and conscientiously complied with this
golden rule, there Avas no danger but that they would all
conduct themselves well enough. This done he gave them a
paternal benediction, the sturdy Anthony sounded a most
loving farewell with his trumpet, the jolly crews put up a
shout of triumph, and the invincible armada swept off proudly
down the bay.

The good people of New-Amsterdam crowded down to the
Battery — that blest i-esort, from whence so many a tender
prayer has been wafted, so many a fair hand waved, so many
a teai'f ul look been cast by love-sick damsel, after the lessening
bark, bearing her adventurous swain to distant climes !
Here the populace watched with straining eyes the gallant
squadron, as it slowly floated down the bay, and when the
intervening land at the Narrows shut it from their sight,
gradually dispersed with silent tongues and downcast coun-
tenances.

A heavy gloom hung over the late bustling city ; the
honest burghers smoked their pipes in profound thoughtful-
ness, casting many a wistful look to the weather-cock on the
church of St. Nicholas; and all the old women, having no
longer the presence of Peter Stuyvesant to hearten them,
gathered their children home, and barricaded the doors and
windows, every evening at sun down.

In the meanwhile the armada of the sturdy Peter proceeded
prosperously on its voyage, and after encountering about as

CHAP. VI.] P:pTER THE HEADSTRONG. 211

many storms, and water-spouts, and whales, and other
horrors and phenomena, as generally betal adventurous
landsmen in perilous voyages of the kind ; and after under-
going a severe scouring from that deplorable and unpitied
malady, called sea-sickness, the whole squadron arrived safely
in the Delaware.

AVithout so much as dropping anchor, and giving his
wearied ships time to breathe, after labouring so long on the
ocean, the intrepid Peter pursued his course up the Delaware,
iind made a sudden appearance before Fort Casimir. Hav-
ing summoned the astonished garrison by a terrific blast from
the trumpet of the long-winded Van Corlear, he demanded,
in a tone of thunder, an instant surrender of the fort. To
this demand, Suen Skytte, the wind-dried commandant, re-
plied in a shrill, whiffling voice, which, by reason of his ex-
treme spareness, sounded like the wind whistling through a
broken bellows — " that he had no very strong i-eason for re-
fusing, except that the demand was particularly disagreeable,
as he had been ordered to maintain his post to the last ex-
tremity." He requested time, therefore, to consult with
Governor Risingh, and proposed a truce for that purpose.

The choleric Peter, indignant at having his rightful fort so
treacherously taken from him, and thus pertinaciou.sly with-
held, refused the proposed armistice, and swore by the pipe
of 8t. Nicholas, which, like the sacred fire, was never ex-
tinguished, that unless the fort were surrendered in ten
minutes, he would incontinently storm the works, make all
the garrison run the gauntlet, and split their scoundrel of a
commander like a pickled shad. To give this menace the
greater effect, he drew forth his trusty sword, and shook it
at them with such a fierce and vigorous motion, that doubtless,
if it had not been exceeding rusty, it would have lightened
terror into the eyes and hearts of the enemy. He then
ordered his men to bring a broadside to bear upon the fort,
consisting of two swivels, three muskets, a long duck fowling-
piece, and two braces of horse-pistols.

In the meantime the sturdy Van Corlear marshalled all his
forces, and commenced his warlike operations. Distending
his cheeks like a very Boreas, he kept up a most horrific
twanging of his trumpet — the lusty choristers of Sing-Sing
broke forth into a hideous song of battle — the warriors of
Breuckelen and the Wallabout blew a potent and astounding

212 HISTORY OF NEW- YORK. [bOOK VI.

blast on their conch shells, altogether forming as outrageous
a concerto as though five thousand French fiddlers were dis-
playing their skill in a modei'n overture.

Whether the formidable front of war thus suddenly pre-
sented smote the garrison with sore dismay — or whether the
concluding terms of the summons, which mentioned that he
should surrender " at discretion," were mistaken by Suen
Skytte, Avho though a Swede, was a very considerate, easy
tempered man, as a compliment to his discretion, I will not
take upon me to say : certain it is he found it impossible to
resist so courteous a demand. Accordingly in the very nick
of time, just as the cabin-boy had gone after a coal of fire
to discharge the swivel, a chamade was beat on the rampart
by the only drum in the garrison, to the no small satisfaction
of both parties ; who, notwithstanding their great stomach for
fighting, had full as good an inclination to eat a quiet dinner
as to excliange black eyes and bloody noses.

Thus did this impregnable fortress once more return to
the domination of their Pligh Mightinesses ; Skytte and his
garrison of twenty men were allowed to march out with,
the honours of war ; and the victorious Peter, who was as
generous as brave, permitted them to keep possession of all
their arms and ammunition, — the same on inspection being
found totally unfit for service, having long rusted in the
magazine of the fortress, even before it was wrested by the
Swedes from the windy Van Pottenburgh. But I must not
omit to mention, that the governor was so well pleased with
the service of his faithful squire Van Corlear, in the reduc-
tion of this great fortress, that he made him on the spot lord
of a goodly domain in the vicinity of New- Amsterdam,
which goes by the name of Corlear's Hook unto this very day.

The unexampled liberality of Peter Stuyvesant towards
the Swedes, occasioned great surprise in the city of New-
Amsterdam ; nay, certain factious individuals, who had been
enlightened by political meetings in the days of William the
Testy, but who had not dared to indulge their meddlesome
habits under the eye of their present ruler, now, emboldened
by his absence, gave vent to their censures in the street.
Murmurs were heard in the very council-chamber of Neu-
Amsterdam ; and there is no knowing whether tliey might not
have bi'oken out into downright speeches and invectives, had
not Peter Stuyvesant privately sent home his walking-staff.

CHAP. VII.] PETER THE HEADSTRONG. 213

to be laid as a mace on the table of the council-chamber, in
the midst of his counsellors ; who, like wise men, took the
hint, and for ever after held their peace.

CHAP. VII.

Like as a mighty alderman, when at a corporation feast the
iirst spoonful of turtle-soup salutes his palate, feels his appe-
tite but tenfold quickened, and redoubles his vigorous attacks
upon the tureen, while his projecting eyes roll greedily round,
devouring every thing at table ; so did the mettlesome Peter
Stuyvesant feel that hunger for martial glory, which raged
within his bowels, inflamed by the capture of Fort Casimir,
and nothing could allay it but the conquest of all New-
Sweden. No sooner, therefore, had he secured his conquest,
tlian he stumped resolutely on, flushed with success, to gather
fresh laurels at Fort Christina.*

This was the grand Swedish post, established on a small
river (or, as it is improperly termed, creek) of the same
name ; and here that crafty governor Jan Risingh lay grimly
drawn up, like a grey-bearded spider in the citadel of his
web.

But before we hurry into the direful scenes which must
attend the meeting of two such potent chieftains, it is ad-
visable to pause for a moment, and hold a kind of Avarlike
council. Battles should not be rushed into precipitately by
the historian and his readers, any more than by the general
and his soldiers. The great commanders of antiquity never
engaged the enemy without previously preparing the minds
of their followei'S by animating harangues ; spiriting them
up to heroic deeds, assuring them of the protection of the
gods, and inspiring them with a confidence in the prowess of
their leaders. So the historian should awaken the attention
and enlist the passions of his readers ; and having set them
all on fire with the importance of his subject, 'he should put
himscdf at their head, flourish his pen, and lead them on to
the thickest of the fight.

An illustrious example of this rule may be seen in that
mirror of historians, the immortal Thucydides. Having ar-

* At present a flourisliiii!;^ town, called Christiana, or Ciiristcen, aboi t
thirty-seven miles from I'hilaclelphia, on tiic post-road to Baltimore.

P 3

214

HISTORY OF NEW-YORK.

[book VX.

rived at the breaking out of the Peloponnesian War, one of
his commentators observes that "he sounds the charjre in all
tlie disposition and spirit of Homer. He catalogues the allies
on both sides. Ke awakens our expectations, and fast en-
gages our attention. All mankind are concerned in the im-
portant point now going to be decided. Endeavours are
made to disclose futurity. Heaven itself is interested in
the dispute. The earth totters, and nature seems to labour
with the great event. This is his solemn, sublime manner
of setting out. Tims he magnifies a war between two, as
Rapin styles them, petty states ; and thus artfully he supports
a little subject by treating it in a great and noble method."

In like manner, having conducted my readers into the very
teeth of peril ; having ibllowed the adventurous Peter and
his band into foreign regions, surrounded by foes, and stunned
by the horrid din of arms, at this important moment, while
darkness and doubt hang o'er each coming cliapter, 1 hold it
meet to liarangue them, and prepare them for the events that
are to follow.

And here I would premise one great advantage, which, as
histoi'ian, I possess over my reader ; and this it is, that though
I cannot save the life of my favourite hero, nor absolutely
contradict the event of a battle (both which liberties, though
often taken by the French writers of the present reign, I hold
to be utterly unworthy of a scrupulous historian), yet I can
now and then make him bestow on his enemy a sturdy back
stroke sufficient to fell a giant ; though, in honest truth, he
may never have done any thing of the kind: or I can drive
his antagonist clear round and round the field, as did Homer
make that fine fellow Hector scamper like a poltroon round
the Avails of Troy ; for which, if ever they have encoun-
tered one another in the Elysian Fields, I'll warrant the
prince of poets has had to make the most humble apology.

I am aware that many conscientious readers will be ready
to cry out, " foul play !" whenever I render a little assistance
to my hero; but I consider it one of those privileges exercised
by historians of all ages, and one which has never been dis-
puted. An historian is in fact, as it were, bound in honour
to stand by his hero — the fame of the latter is intrusted to his
hands, and it is his duty to do the best by it he can. Never
was there a general, an admiral, or any other commandei",
Avhoj in giving an account of any battle he had fought, did

CHAP. VII.] FETER THE HEADSTROKG, 215

not sorely belabour the enemy ; and I have no doubt tluit,
had my heroes written the liistory of their own achievements,
they would have dealt imich harder blows than any that I
shall recount. Standing forth, therefore, as the guardian of
their fame, it behoves me to do them the same justice they
would have done themselves ; and if I happen to be a little
hard upon the Swedes, I give free leave to any of their de-
scendants, who may write a history of the State of Delaware,
to take fair retaliation, and belabour Peter Stuyvesant as
hard as tliey please.

Therefore stand by for broken heads and bloody noses! —
My pen hath Ions itched for a battle — siege after siege have
I carried on without blows or bloodshed ; but now I have at
length got a chance, and I vow to Heaven and St. Nicholas,
that, let the chronicles of the times say what they please,
neither Sallust, Livy, Tacitus, Polybius, nor any other histo-
rian, did ever record a fiercer fight than that in which my
valiant chieftains are now about to engage.

And you, 0 most excellent readers, whom, for your faith-
ful adherence, I could cherisli in the warmest corner of my
heart, be not uneasy — trust the fixte of our favoui'ite Stuyve-
sant with me; for by the rood, come what may, I'll stick by
Hardkoppig Piet to the last. I'll make him drive about these
losels vile, as did the renowned Launcelot of the Lake a herd
of recreant Cornish knights ; and if he does fall, let me never
draw my pen to fight another battle in behalf of a brave man,
if I don't make these lubbei'ly Swedes pay for it.

No sooner had Peter Stuyvesant arrived before Fort
Christina, than he proceeded without delay to entrench him-
self, and immediately on running his first parallel, dispatched
Antony Van Corlear to summon the fortress to surrender.
Van Corlear was received with all due formality, hoodwinked
at the portal, and conducted tlirough a pestiferous smell of
salt fish and onions to the citadel, a substantial hut built of
pine logs. His eyes were here uncovered, and he found him-
self in the august presence of Governor Risingh. This chief-
tain, as I have betbre noted, was a A'ery giantly man, and
was clad in a coarse blue coat, strapped round the waist with
a leathern belt, which caused the enormous skirts and pockets
to set off with a very warlike sweep. Mis ponderous legs
were cased in a pair of foxy-coloured jack-boots, and he was
straddling in the attitude of the Colossus of Rhodes, before a

P 4

216 HISTORY OF NEW- YORK. [bOOK VI.

liit of broken looking-glass, shaving himself with a villanously
dull razor. This afflicting operation caused him to make a
series of horrible grimaces, which heightened exceedingly the
grisly terrors of his visage. On Antony Van Corlear's being
announced, the grim commander paused for a moment, in the
midst of one of his most hard-favoured contortions, and after
eyeing him askance over the shoulder, vith a kind of snarling
grin on his countenance, resumed his labours at the glass.

This iron harvest being reaped, he turned once more to the
trumpeter, and demanded the purport of his errand. Antony
Van Corlear delivered in a few words, being a kind of short-
hand speaker, a long message from his excellency, recounting
the whole history of the province, with a recapitulation of
grievances, and enumeration of claims, and concluding with
a peremptory demand of instant surrender ; which done, he
turned aside, took his nose between his thumb and finger, and
blew a tremendous blast, not unlike the flourish of a trumpet
of defiance, which it had doubtless learned from a long and
intimate neighbourhood with that melodious instrument.

Governor Risingli heard him through, trumpet and all,
but with infinite impatience ; leaning at times, as was his usual
custom, on the pommel of his sword, and at times twirling a
liuge steel watch-chain, or snapping his fingers. Van Corlear
liaving finished, he bluntly replied, that Peter Stuyvesant and
his summons might goto the d — 1, whither he hoped to send
liim and liis crew of ragamuffins before supper-time. Then
unsheathing his brass-hilted sword, and throwing away the
scabbard, " 'Fore gad," quod he, " but I will not sheathe thee
again until I make a scabbard of the smoke-dried leathern
hide of this runagate Dutchman." Then having flung a fierce
defiance in the teeth of his adversar)% by the lips of his m.es-
senger, the latter was reconducted to the portal, with all tlie
ceremonious civility due to the trumpeter, squire, and am-
bassador of so great a commander ; and being again unblinded,
was courteously dismissed with a tweak of the nose, to assist
him in recollecting his message."

No sooner did the gallant Peter receive this insolent reply,
tlian he let fly a tremendous volley of red-hot execrations,
which would infallibly have battered down the fortifications,
and blown up the powder magazine about the ears of the fiery
Swede, had not the ramparts been remarkably strong, and the
magazine bomb-proof. Perceiving that the works withstood

CHAF. VIII.] PETER THE HEADSTRONG. 217

this terrific blast, and that it was utterly impossible (as it
really was in those unphilosophic days) to carry on a war with
words, he ordered his merry men all to prepare for an im-
mediate assault. But here a strange murmur broke out among
his troops, beginning with the tribe of the Van Bnmmels,
those valiant trenchermen of the Bronx, and spreading from
man to man, accompanied with certain mutinous looks and
discontented murmurs. For once in his life, and only for
once, did the great Peter turn pale; for he verily thought his
warriors were going to falter in this hour of perilous trial,
and thus to tarnish for ever the fame of the province of New-
Netlierlands.

But scon did he discover, to his great joy, that in this
suspicion he deeply wronged this most undaunted army ; for
the cause of this agitation and uneasiness simply was, that
the hour of dinner was at hand, and it would have almost
broken the hearts of these regular Dutch warriors to have
broken in upon the invariable routine of their habits. Be-
sides, it was an established rule among our ancestors always
to fight upon a full stomach ; and to this may be doubtless
attributed the circumstance that they came to be so renowned
in arms.

And now are the hearty men of the Manhattoes, and their
no less hearty comrades, all lustily engaged under the trees,
buffeting stoutly with the contents of their wallets, and taking
such affectionate embraces of their canteens and pottles, as
though they verily believed they were to be the last. And
as I foresee we shall have hot work in a page or two, I
advise my readers to do the same, for which purpose I will
bring this chapter to a close ; giving thera my word of
lionour, that no advantage shall be taken of this armistice to
surprise, or in any wise molest, the honest Nederlanders,
while at their vigorous repast.

CHAP. VIIL

'< Now had the Dutchmen snatched a huge repast," and find-
ing themselves wonderfully encouraged and animated thereb}^
prepared to take the field. Expectation, says the writer
of the Stuyvesant manuscript, expectation now stood on
stilts. The world forgot to turn round, or rather stood still.

218 HISTORY OF NEW- YORK. [bOOK VI.

tliat it might witness the aifray, like a round-bellied alder-
man watching the combat of two chivalrous flies upon his
jerkin. The eyes of all mankind, as usual in such cases,
were turned upon Fort Christina. The sun, like a little
man in a crowd at a puppet-show, scampered about the hea-
vens, popping his head here and there, and endeavouring to
get a peep between the unmannerly clouds that obtruded
themselves in his way. The historians filled their inkhorns ;
the poets went without their dinners, either that they might
buy pnper and goose-quills, or because they could not get
any thing to eat. Antiquity scowled sulkily out of its grave
to see itself outdone ; while even Posterity stood mute, gazing
in gaping ecstasy of retrospection on the eventful field.

The immortal deities, who whilom had seen service at the
" affair " of Troy, now mounted their feather-bed clouds, and
sailed over the plain, or mingled among the combatants in
different disguises, all itching to have a finger in the pie.
Jupiter sent off his thunderbolt to a noted coppersmith to
have it furbished up for the direful occasion. Venus vowed
by her chastity to patronise the Swedes, and in semblance of
a blear-eyed trull paraded the battlements of Fort Christina,
accompanied by Diana, as a sergeant's widow, of cracked
reputation. The noted bully Mars stuck two horse-pistols
into his belt, shouldered a rusty firelock, and gallantly swag-
gered at their elbow as a drunken corporal, while Apollo
trudged in tlieir rear as a bandy-legged fifer, playing most
villanously out of tune.

On the other side, the ox-eyed Juno, who had gained a
pair of black eyes over night, in one of her cui'tain lectures
with old Jupiter, displayed her haughty beauties on a bag-
gage-waggon ; Minerva, as a brawny gin-suttler, tucked up
her skirts, brandished her fists, and swore most heroically,
in exceeding bad Dutch (having but lately studied the lan-
guage), by Avay of keejiing up the spirits of the soldiers ;
Avhile Vulcan halted as a club-footed blacksmith, lately pro-
moted to be a captain of militia. All was silent awe or bustling
preparation ; war reared his horrid front, gnashed loud his
iron fangs, and shook his direful crest of bristling bayonets.

And now the mighty chieftains marshalled out their hosts.
Here stood stout Risingh, firm as a thousand rocks, incrusted

ith stockades and intrenched to the chin in mud batteries.
His valiant soldiery lined the breast-work in grim array,

CHAP. Vin.] PETER THE HEADSTRONG. 219

each havin<i his mustachios fiercely greased, and his hair po-
matumed back, and queued so stiffly, that he grinned above
the ramparts like a grisly death's head.

There came on the intrepid Peter, his brows knit, his teeth
set, his fists clenched, almost breathing fortli volumes of
smoke, so fierce was the fire that imaged within his bosom.
His fiiithful squire Van Corlear trudged valiantly at his heels,
with his trumpet gorgeously bedecked with red and yellow
ribands, the remembrances of his fair mistresses at the Man-
hattoes. Then came waddling on the sturdy chivalry of the
Hudson. There were the Van Wycks, and the Van Dycks,
and the Ten Eycks ; the Van Nesses, the Van Tassels, the
Van Grolls ; the Van Hcesens, the Van Giesons, and the Van
Blarcoms ; the Van Warts, the Van Winkles, the Van Dams ;
the Van Pelts, the Van Rippers, and the Van Brunts. There
were the Van Homes, the Van Hooks, the Van Bunschotens ;
the Van Gelders, the Van Arsdales, and the Van Bummels ;
the Vander Belts, the Vander Hoofs, the Vander Voorts, the
Vander Lyns, the Vander Pools, and the Vander Spiegles ;
there came the Hoftmans, the Hooglands, the Hoppers, the
Cloppers, the Ryckmans, the Dyckraans, the Hogebooms,
the Rosebooms, the Oothouts, the Quackenbosses, the
Roerbacks, the Garrebrantzes, the Bensons, the Brouwers,
the Waldrons, the Onderdonks, the Varra Vangers, the
Schermerhorns, the Stoutenburghs, the Brinkerhofi^s, the
Bontecous, the Knickerbockers, the Plockstrassers, the Ten
Breecheses, and the Tough Breecheses, with a host more of
worthies, whose names are too crabbed to be written, or if
they could be written, it would be impossible for man to
utter — all fortified with a mighty dinner, and to use tlie
Avords of a great Dutch poet,

" Brimful of wrath and cabbage."

For an instant the mighty Peter paused in the midst of his
career, and mounting on a stump, addressed his troops in
eloquent Low Dutch, exhorting them to fight like duyvels,
and assuring them that if they conquered, they should get
plenty of booty ; if they fell, they should be allowed the sa-
tisfaction, while dying, of reflecting that it was in the service
of their country ; and after they were dead, of seeing their
names inscriijcd in the temple of renown, and handed down,
in company with all the other great men of the year, for the

220 HISTOKT OF NEW- YORK. [dOOK TT.

admiration of posterity. Finally, he swore to them on the
word of a governor (and they knew him too well to doubt it
for a moment), that if he caught any mother's son of them
looking pale, or playing craven, he would curry his liide till
he made him run out of it like a snake in spring time. Then
lugging out his trusty sabre, he brandished it three times
over his head, ordered Van Corlear to sound a charge, and
shouting the words " St. Nicholas and the IManhattoes ! "
courageously dashed forwards. His warlike followers, who
had employed the interval in lighting their pipes, instantly
stuck them into their months, gave a furious puff, and charged
gallantly under cover of the smoke.

The Swedish garrison, ordered by the cunning Hisingh
not to fire until they could distinguish the whites of their
assailants' eyes, stood in horrid silence on the covert-way,
imtil tlie eager Dutchmen had ascended the glacis. Then
did they pour into them such a tremendous volley, that the
very hills quaked around, and were terrified even unto an
incontinence of Avater, insomuch that certain springs burst
forth from their sides, whicli continue to run unto the present
day. Not a Dutchman but would have bitten the dust be-
neath that dreadful fire, had not the protecting Jlinerva
kindly taken care that the Swedes should, one and all, observe
tlieir usual custom of shutting their eyes, and turning away
their heads at the moment of discharge.

The Swedes followed up their fire by leaping the countei"-
scarp, and falling tooth and nail upon the foe with furious
outcries. And now might be seen prodigies of valour, un-
matched in history or song. Here was the sturdy Stoffel
Brinkerhoff brandishing his quarter-staff like the giant Blan-
deron his oak tree (for lie scorned to carry any other weapon),
and drumming a horrific tune upon the hard heads of the
Swedish soldiery. There were the Van Kortlandts, posted
at a distance, like the Locrian archers of yore, and plying it
most potently with the long-boAv, for which they were so
justly renowned. On a rising knoll were gathered the va-
liant men of Sing-Sing, assisting marvellously in the fight,
by chanting the great song of St. Nicholas ; but as to the
(jlardeniers of Hudson, they were absent on a marauding
party, laying waste the neiglibouring water-melon patches.

In a different part of the field were the Van Grolls of
Anthony's Nose, struggling to get to the thickest of the fight,

CHAP. VIII.]] PETER THE HEADSTUONG. 221

but horribly perplexed in a defile between two hills, by rea-
son of the length of their noses. So also the Van Bun-
schotens of Nyack and Kakiat, so renowned for kicking with
the left foot, were brought to a stand for want of wind, in
consequence of the hearty dinner they had eaten, and would
have been put to utter rout but for the arrival of a gallant
corps of voltigeurs, composed of the Hoppers, who advanced
nimbly to their assistance on one foot. Nor must I omit to
mention the valiant achievements of Antony Van Corlear,
who, for a good quarter of an hour, waged stubborn fight
with a little pursy Swedish drummer ; whose hide he drummed
most magnificently, and whom he would infallibly have an-
nihilated on the spot, but that he had come into the battle
with no other weapon but his trumpet.

But now the combat thickened. On came the mighty Ja-
cobus Varra Vanger and the fighting men of the Wallabout ;
after them thundered the Van Pelts of Esopus, together with
the Van Rippers and the Van Brunts, bearing down all
before them ; then the Suy Dams and the Van Dams, press-
ing forward with many a blustering oath, at the head of the
warriors of Hell-gate, clad in their thunder and lightning ga-
berdines; and, lastly, the standard-bearers and body-guards of
Peter Stuy vesant, bearing the great beaver of the Manhattoes.

And now commenced the horrid din, the desperate struggle,
the maddening ferocity, the frantic desperation, the confu-
sion and self-abandonment of war. Dutchman and Swede
commingled, tugged, panted, and blowed. The heavens
were darkened with a tempest of missives. Bang ! went the
guns; whack! went the broad-swords; thump! went the
cudgels; crash! went the musket-stocks ; blows, kicks, cutfs,
scratches, black eyes, and bloody noses swelling the horrors of
the scene! Thick thwack, cut and hack, helter-skelter, hig-
gledy-piggledy, hurly-burly, head over heels, rough and
tumble! Dunder and blixum ! swore the^Dutchmen; splitter
and splutter ! cried the Swedes. Storm the works, shouted
Hardkoppig Peter. Fire the mine, roared stout Risingh.
Tanta-ra-ra-ra ! twanged the trumpet of Antony Van Cor-
lear, until all voice and sound became unintelligible; grunts
of pain, yells of fury, and shouts of triumph mingling in one
hideous chxmour. The earth shook as if struck witli a para-
lytic stroke ; trees shrunk aghast, and withered at the sight ;
rocks burrowed ia the ground like rabbits ; and even Chris-

222 HISTORY OP NEW- YORK. [bOOK VI.

tina Creek turned from, its course, and ran up a hill in
breathless teiTor !

Long hung the contest doubtful; for though a heavy shower
of rain, sent by the " cloud-compelling Jove," in some mea-
sui'e cooled their ardour, as doth a bucket of water thrown
on a group of fighting mastitis, yet did they but pause for a
moment, to return with tenfold fury to the charge. Just at
this juncture a vast and dense column of smoke was seen
slowly rolling toward the scene of battle. The combatants
paused for a moment, gazing in mute astonishment until the
wind, dispelling the murky cloud, revealed the flaunting
banner of Michael Paw, the patroou of Communipaw. That
valiant chieftain came fearlessly on at the head of a phalanx
of oyster-fed Pavonians and a corps de reserve of the Van
Arsdales and Van Bummels, who had remained behind to
digest the enormous dinner they had eaten. These now
trudged manfully forward, smoking their pipes with out-
rageous vigour, so as to raise the awful cloud that has been
mentioned ; but marching exceedingly slow, being short of
leg, and of great rotundity in the belt.

And now the deities who watched over the fortunes of the
Nederlanders, having unthinkingly left the field and stepped
into a neighbouring tavern to refresh themselves with a pot
of beer, a direful catastrophe had well nigh ensued. Scarce
had the myrmidons of Michael Paw attained the front of
battle, when the Swedes, instructed by the cunning liisingh,
levelled a shower of blows full at their tobacco-pipes. As-
tounded at this assault, and dismayed at the havoc of their
pipes, these ponderous warriors gave way, and like a drove
of frightened elephants broke through the ranks of their own
army. The little Hoppers were borne down in the surge ;
the sacred banner emblazoned with the gigantic oyster of
Communipaw was trampled in the dirt; on blundered and
thundered the heavy-sterned fugitives, the Swedes pressing
on their rear, and applying their feet a parte poste of the
Van Arsdales and the Van Bummels with a vigour that pro-
digiously accelerated their movements, nor did the renowned
Michael Paw himself fail to receive divers grievous and dis-
honourable visitations of shoe leather.

But what, O Muse! was the rage of Peter Stuyvesant,
when from afar he saw his army giving way ! In the trans-
ports of his wrath he sent forth a roar, enough to shake the

OHAP. Vid:.] PETER THE nEADSTRONG. 223

very hills. The men of the Manhattoes plucked up new
coui'age at the sound ; or rather, they rallied at the voice of
their leader, of whom they stood more in awe than of all the
Swedes in Christendom. Without waiting for their aid, the
daring Peter dashed, sword in hand, into the thickest of the
foe. Then might be seen achievements worthy of the days
of the giants. Wherever he went, the enemy shrank before
him ; the Swedes fled to right and left, or were driven, like
dogs, into their own ditch ; but, as he pushed forward singly
with headlong courage, the foe closed behind and hung upon
his rear. One aimed a blow full at liis heart ; but the pro-
tecting power which watches over the great and good turned
aside the hostile blade, and directed it to a side-pocket, where
reposed an enormous iron tobacco-box, endowed, like the
shield of Achilles, with supernatural powers, doubtless from
bearing the portrait of the blessed St. Nicholas. Peter Stuy-
vesant turned like an angry bear upon the foe, and seizing
him as he fled, by an immeasurable queue, " Ah, whoreson
caterpillar," roared he, " here's what shall make worms'
meat of thee! " So saying, he whirled his sword, and dealt
a blow that would have decapitated the varlet, but that the
pitying steel struck short, and shaved the queue for ever from
his crown. At this moment an arquebusier levelled his
piece from a neighbouring mound, with deadly aim ; but the
watchful Minerva, who had just stopped to tie up her garter,
seeing the peril of her favourite hero, sent old Boreas with
bis bellows, who, as the match descended to the pan, gave a
blast that blew the priming from the touch-hole.

Thus waged the light, when the stout liisingh, surveying
the field from the top of a little ravelin, perceived his troops
banged, beaten, and kicked by the invincible Peter. Drawing
his falchion, and uttering a thousand anathemas, he strode
down to the scene of combat with some such thundering strides
as Jupiter is said by Hesiod to have taken, when he strode
down the spheres to hurl his thunderbolts at the Titans.

When the rival heroes came face to face, each made a pro-
digious start in the style of a veteran stage champion. Then
did they regard each other for a moment with the bitter aspect
of two furious ram-cats on the point of a clapper-clawing,
Tlien did they throw themselves into one attitude, then into
another, striking their swords on the ground, first on the right
side, then on the left ; at last at it they went, with incredible

224 HISTORY OF NEW- YORK. [bOOK VI.

ferocity. "Words cannot tell the prodigies of strength and
valour displayed in this direful encounter — an encounter
compared to wliicli the far-famed battles of Ajax with Hector,
of JEneas with Turnus, Orlando with Rodomont, Guy of
Warwick with Colbrand. the Dane, or of that renowned Welsh
knight, Sir Owen of the Mountains, with the giant Guylon,
were all gentle sports and holiday recreations. At length
the valiant Peter, watching his opportunity, aimed a blow,
enough to cleave his adversary to tlie very chine ; but Risingh,
nimbly raising his sword, warded it off so narrowly, that
glancing on one side, it shaved away a huge canteen in which
lie carried his liquor ; thence pursuing its trenchant course,
it severed off a deep coat pocket, stored with bread and cheese,
which provant rolling among the armies, occasioned a fearful
scrambling between the Swedes and Dutchmen, and made the
general battle to wax ten times more furious than ever.

Pmraged to see his militaiy stores laid waste, the stout
Risingh, collecting all his forces, aimed a mighty blow full at
the hero's crest. In vain did his fierce little cocked hat oppose
its course. The biting steel clove through the stubborn ram
beaver, and would have cracked the crown of any one not
endowed with supernatural hardness of head ; but the brittle
weapon shivered in pieces on the skull of Hardkoppig Piet,
shedding a thousand sparks, like beams of glory round his
grizzly visage.

The good Peter reeled with the blow, and turning up his
eyes beheld a thousand suns, beside moons and stars, dancing
about the firmament ; at length, missing his footing, by reason
of his wooden leg, down he came on his seat of honour witli
a crash which shook the surrounding hills, and might have
wrecked his frame, had he not been received into a cushion
softer than velvet, which Providence or Minerva, or St. Ni-
cholas, or some kindly cow, had benevolently prepared for his
reception.

The furious Risingh, in despite of the maxim, cherished by
all true knights, that "fair play is a jewel," hastened to take
advantage of the hero's fall ; but, as he stooped to give a fatal
blow, Peter Stuyvesant dealt him a thwack over the sconce
with his wooden leg, which set a chime of bells ringing triple
bob majors in his cerebellum. The bewildered Swede stag-
gered with the blow, and the wary Peter seizing a pocket-
pistol which lay hard by, discharged it full at the head of the

CHAP. IX.] PETEK THE HEADSTRONG. 225

reeling Risingh. Let not my reader mistake ; it was not a
murderous weapon loaded with powder and ball, but a little
sturdy stone pottle charged to the muzzle with a double dram
of true Dutch courage, Avhich the knowing Antony Van
Corlear carried about him by Avay of replenishing his valour,
and which had dropped from his wallet during his furious
encounter with the drummer. The hideous Aveapon sang
through the air, and true to its course, as was the fragment of
a rock discharged at Hector by bully Ajax, encountered the
head of the gigantic Swede with matchless violence.

This heaven-directed blow decided the battle. The pon-
derous pericranium of General Jan Risingh sank upon his
breast ; his knees tottered under him ; a death-like torpor
seized upon his frame, and he tumbled to the eartli with such
violence, that old Pluto started with aifright, lest he should
have broken through the roof of his infernal palace.

His fall was the signal of defeat and victory; the Swedes
gave way, the Dutch pressed forward ; the former took to
their heels, the latter hotly pursued. Some entered with them
pell-mell through the sally-port, others stormed the bastion,
and others scrambled over the curtain. Thus in a little while
the forti'ess of Fort Christina, which, like another Troy, had
stood a siege of full ten hours, was cai'ried by assault, without
the loss of a single man on either side. Victory, in the like-
ness of a gigantic ox-fly, sat perched upon the cocked hat of
the gallant Stuyvesant ; and it was declared, by all the writers
whom he hired to write the history of his expedition, that on
this memorable day he gained a sufficient quantity of glory
to immortalise a dozen of the greatest hei'oes in Christendom !

CHAP. IX.

Thanks to St. Nicholas, we have safely finished this tremen-
dous battle. Let us sit down, my worthy reader, and cool
ourselves, for I am in a prodigious sweat and agitation. Truly
this fighting of battles is hot woi'k ! and if your great com-
manders did but know what trouble they give their historians,
they would not have the conscience to achieve so many hor-
rible victoi'ies. But methinks I hear tny reader complain,
that throughout this boasted battle there is not the least
slaughter, nor a single individual maimed, if we except the

Q

226 HISTORY OF NEW-TORK. [bOOK VI

unhappy Swede, who was shorn of his queue by the trenchant
blade of Peter Stuyvesant; all which, he observes, is a great
outrage on probability, and highly injurious to the interest of
the narration.

This is certainly an objection of no little moment, but it
arises entirely from the obscurity enveloping the remote periods
of time about which I have undertaken to write. Thus,
though doubtless, from the importance of the object, and the
prowess of the parties concerned, there must have been terrible
carnage and prodigies of valour displayed before the walls of
Christina, yet, notwithstanding 'that I have consulted every
history, manuscript, and tradition, touching this memorable
though long-forgotten battle, I cannot find mention made of
a single man killed or wounded in the whole affair.

This is, without doubt, owing to the extreme modesty of
our forefathers, who, unlike their descendants, were never
prone to vaunt of their achievements ; but it is a virtue which
places their historian in a most embarrassing predicament ;
for, having promised my readers a hideous and unparalleled
battle, and having worked them up into a warlike and blood-
thirsty state of mind, to put them off without any havoc and
slaughter would have been as bitter a disappointment as to
summon a multitude of good people to attend an execution,
and then cruelly balk them by a reprieve.

Had the Fates only allowed me some half a score of dead
men, I had been content ; for I would have made them such
heroes as abounded in the olden time, but whose race is now
unfortunately extinct ; any one of whom, if we may believe
those authentic writers, the poets, could drive great armies,
like sheep before him, and conquer and desolate whole cities
by his single arm.

But seeing that I had not a single life at my disposal, all
that was left me was to make the most I could of my battle,
by means of kicks, and cuffs, and bruises, and such like ignoble
wounds. And here I cannot but compare my dilemma, in
some sort, to that of the divine Milton, who, having arrayed
with sublime preparation his immortal hosts against each
other, is sadly put to it how to manage them, and how he shall
make the end of his battle answer to the beginning; inas-
much as, being mere spirits, he cannot deal a mortal blow,
nor even give a flesh wound to any of his combatants. For
my part, the greatest difficulty I found was, when I had once

CnAr. IX.] PETER THE HEADSTRONG. 227

put my warriors in a passion, and let them loose into the
midst of the enemy, to keep them from doing mischief. Many
a time had I to restrain the sturdy Peter from cleaving a
gigantic Swede to the very waistband, or spitting half a dozen
little fellows on his sword, like so many sparrows. And
when I had set some hundred of missives flying in the air, I
did not dare to suffer one of them to reach the ground, lest it
should have put an end to some unlucky Dutchman.

The reader cannot conceive how mortifying it is to a writer
thus in a manner to have his hands tied, and how many tempt-
ing opportunities I had to wink at, where I might have made
as fine a death-blow as any recorded in history or song.

From my own experience I begin to doubt most potently
of the authenticity of many of Homer's stories. I verily be-
lieve, that when he had once launched one of his favoui'ite
heroes among a ci'owd of the enemy, he cut down many an
honest fellow, without any authority for so doing, excepting
that he presented a fair mark ; and that often a poor fellow
was sent to grim Pluto's domains, merely because he had a
name that would give a sounding turn to a period. But I
disci aim all such unprincipled liberties ; let me but have truth
and the law on my side, and no man would fight harder than
myself: but since the various records I consulted did not
w arrant it, I had too much conscience to kill a single soldier,
73y St. Nicholas, but it would have been a pretty piece of
business ! My enemies, the critics, who I foresee will be ready
enough to lay any crime they can discover at my door, might
have charged me with murder outright ; and I should have
esteemed myself lucky to escape with no harsher verdict than
manslaughter !

And now, gentle reader, that we are tranquilly sitting
down here, smoking our pipes, permit me to indulge in a
melancholy reflection which at this moment passes across my
mind. How vain, how fleeting, how uncertain ai*e all those
gaudy bubbles after which we are panting and toiling in this
world of fair delusions ! The wealth which the miser has
amassed with so many weary days, so many sleepless nights,
a spendthrift heir may squander away in joyless prodigality;
the noblest monuments wliich pride has ever reared to per-
petuate a name, the hand of time will shortly tumble into
ruins ; and even the brightest laurels, gained by feats of arms,
may wither, and be for ever blighted by the chilling neglect

c 2

228 HISTORY OF NEW- YORK. [bOOK VI.

of mankind. " How many illustrious heroes," says the good
Boetius, " who were once the pride and glory of the age, hath
the silence of historians buried in eternal oblivion!" And
this it was that induced the Spartans, when they went to battle,
solemnly to sacrifice to the Muses, supplicating that their
achievements might be worthily recorded. Had not Homer
turned his lofty lyre, observes the elegant Cicero, the valour
of Achilles had remained unsung. And such too, after all
the toils and perils he had braved, after all the gallant actions
he had achieved, such too had nearly been the fate of the
chivalric Peter Stuyvesant, but that I fortunately stepped in
and engraved his name on the indelible tablet of history, just
as the caitiff Time was silently brushing it away for ever!

The more I reflect, the more I am astonished at the im-
portant character of the historian. He is the sovereign censor,
to decide upon the renown or infamy of his fellow-men. He
is the patron of kings and conquei'ors, on whom it depends
whether they shall live in after ages, or be forgotten as were
their ancestors before them. The tyrant may oppress while
the object of his tyranny exists ; but the historian possesses
superior might, for his power extends even bej-ond the grave.
The shades of departed and long-forgotten heroes anxiously
bend down from above, while he writes, watching each mo\'e-
ment of his pen, whether it shall pass by their names with
neglect, or inscribe them on the deathless pages of renown.
Even the drop of ink which hangs trembling on his pen,
which he may either dash upon the floor, or waste in idle
scrawlings, — that very drop, which to him is not worth the
twentieth part of a farthing, may be of incalculable value to
some departed worthy, — may elevate half a score, in one
moment, to immortality, who would have given worlds, had
they possessed them, to ensure the glorious meed.

Let not my readers imagine, however, that I am indulging
in vain-glorious boastings, or am anxious to blazon forth the
importance of my tribe. On the contrary, I shrink when I
reflect on the awful responsibility we historians assume ; I
shudder to think what direful commotions and calamities we
occasion in the world ; I swear to thee, honest reader, as I am
a man, I Aveep at the very idea! AVhy, let me ask, are so
many illustrious men daily tearing themselves away from the
embraces of their families, slighting the smiles of beauty,
despising the allurements of fortune, and exposing themselves

CHAP. IX.] PETER THE HEADSTRONG. 229

to the miseries of wai" ? Why are kings desolating empires,
and depopulating whole countries ? In short, what induces
all great men, of all ages and countries, to commit so many
victories and misdeeds, and inflict so many miseries upon
mankind and upon themselves, but the mere hope that some
historian will kindly take them into notice, and admit them
into a corner of his volume? For, in short, the mighty object
of all their toils, their hardsliips, and privations, is nothing
but immortal fame. And what is immortal fame ? Why,
half a page of dirty paper ! Alas, alas ! how humiliat-
ing the idea, that the renown of so great a man as Peter
Stuy vesant should depend upon the pen of so little a man as
Diedrich Knickerbocker !

And now, having refreshed ourselves after the fiitigues and
perils of the field, it behoves us to return once more to the
scene of conflict, and inquire what were the results of this
renowned conquest. The fortress of Christina being the fair
metropolis, and in a manner the key to New- Sweden, its
captui'e was speedily followed by the entire subjugation of
the province. This was not a little promoted by the gallant
and courteous deportment of the chivalric Peter. Though a
man terrible in battle, yet in the hour of victory was he en-
dued with a spirit generous, merciful, and humane. He
vaunted not over his enemies, nor did he make defeat more
galling by unmanly insults ; for, like that mirror of knightly
virtue, the renowned Paladin Orlando, he was more anxious
to do great actions than to talk of them after they were done.
He put no'man to death, ordered no houses to be burnt
down, permitted no ravages to be perpetrated on the property
of the vanquished, and even gave one of his bravest oflicers
a severe admonishment with his walking-statF, for having
been detected in the act of sacking a hen-roost.

He moreover issued a proclamation, inviting the inhabit-
ants to submit to the authority of their High Mightinesses,
but declaring, with unexampled clemency, that whoever re-
fused should be lodged, at the public expense, in a goodly
castle provided for the purpose, and have an armed retinue to
wait on them in the bargain. In consequence of these be-
neficent terms, about thirty Swedes stepped manfully for-
ward and took the oath of allegiance; in reward for which
they were graciously permitted to remain on tlie banks of
the Delaware, where their descendants reside at this very

Q 3

230 HISTORY OF NEW-YORK. [bOOK ^^.

day. I am told, however, by divers observant travellers, that
they have never been able to get over the chap-fallen looks
of their ancestors ; but that they still do strangely transmit,
from father to son, manifest marks of the sound drubbing
given them by the sturdy Amsterdammers.

The whole country of New- Sweden having thus yielded to
the arms of the triumphant Peter, was reduced to a colony
called South River, and placed under the superintendence of
a lieutenant-governor, subject to the control of the supreme
government of New- Amsterdam. This great dignitary was
called Mynheer William Beekman, or rather Beck-man, who
derived his surname, as did Ovidius Naso of yore, from the
lordly dimensions of his nose, which projected from the cen-
tre of his countenance, like the beak of a parrot. He was the
ereat progenitor of the tribe of the Beekmans, one of the
most ancient and lionourable families of the province ; the
members of which do gratefully commemorate the origin of
their dignity, not as your noble families in England would
do by having a glowing proboscis emblazoned in their escut-
cheon, but by one and all wearing a right goodly nose stuck
in the very middle of their faces.

Thus was this perilous enterprise gloriously terminated,
with the loss of only two men — Wolfert Van Home, a tall
.<:pare man, who, was knocked overboard by the boom of a
sloop in a f^a^v of wind, and fat Brom Van Bummel, who was
suddenly carried off by an indigestion ; both, however, were
immortalised as having bravely fallen in the service of their
country. True it is, Peter Stuyvesant had one of his limbs
terribly fractured in the act of storming the fortress ; but as
it was fortunately his wooden leg, the wound was promptly
and effectually healed.

And now nothing remains to this branch of my history but
to mention that this immaculate hero and his victorious
army returned joyously to the Manhattoes, where they made
a solemn and triumphant entry, bearing with them the
conquered Risingh, and the remnant of his battered crew
who had refused allegiance ; for it appears that the gigantic
Swede had only fallen into a swoon at the end of the battle,
from which he was speedily restored by a wholesome tweak
of the nose.

These captive heroes were lodged, according to the promise
of the governor, at the public expense, in a fair and spacious

CHAP. IX.] PETER THE HEADSTRONG. 231

castle, being the prison of state of which Stoffel Brinkerhoff,
the immortal conqueror of Oyster Bay, was appointed gover-
nor, and which has ever since remained in the possession of
his descendants.*

It was a pleasant and goodly sight to witness the joy of
the people of New-Amsterdam at beholding their warriors
once more return from this war in the wilderness. The old
women thronged round Antony Van Corlear, who gave the
whole history of the campaign with matchless accuracy ; sav-
ing that he took the credit of fighting the whole battle him-
self, and especially of vanquishing the stout Risingh, which
he considered himself as clearly entitled to, seeing that it was
effected by his own stone pottle.

The schoolmasters throughout the town gave holiday to
their little urchins, who followed in droves after the drums,
with paper caps on their heads and sticks in their breeches,
thus taking the first lesson in the art of war. As to the
sturdy rabble, they thronged at the heels of Peter Stuyvesant
wherever he went, waving their greasy hats in the air, and
shouting " Hardkoppig Piet for ever !"

It was indeed a day of roaring rout and jubilee. A huge
dinner was prepared at the stadthouse in honour of the con-
querors, where were assembled, in one glorious constel-
lation, the great and little luminaries of New-Amsterdam.
There were the lordly Schout and his obsequious deputy,
the burgomasters with their officious schepens at their elbows,
the subaltern officers at the elbows of" the schepens, and so on,
down to the lowest hanger-on of police ; every tag having
his rag at his side, to finish his pipe, drink off his heel-taps,
and laugh at his flights of immortal dulness. In short — for
a city feast is a city feast all the world over, and has been a
city feast ever since the creation — the dinner went off much
the same as do our great corporation junketings and Fourth
of July banquets. Loads of fish, flesh, and fowl were de-
voured, oceans of liquor drunk, thousands of pipes smoked,
and many a dull joke honoured with much obstreperous fat-
sided laughter.

I must not omit to mention that to this far-famed victory
Peter Stuyvesant was indebted for another of his many
titles, for so hugely delighted were the honest burghers with

* This castle, though very inucli altered and modernised, is still in
being, and stands at the corner of Pearl Street, facing Coentie's Slip.

Q 4

232 HISTORY OF NEW-YORK. [bOOK VH.

liis achievements, that they unanimously honoured him with
the name of Pieter de Groodt, that is to say, Peter the Great;
or, as it was transhited into English by the people of New-
Amsterdam, for the benefit of their New-England visitors,
Piet de pig — an appellation which he maintained even unto
the day of his death.

BOOK yii.

CONTAUs'IXG THE TUIRD PART OF THE REIGN OF PETER
J THE HEADSTRONG HIS TROUBLES WITH THE BRITISH

NATION, AND THE DECLINE AND FALL OF THE DUTCH

DYNAST r.

CHAPTER I.

The history of the reign of Peter Stuy vesant furnishes an
edifying picture of the cares and vexations inseparable from
sovereignty, and a solemn warning to all who are ambitious
of attaining the seat of honour. Though returning in tri-
umph and crowned with victory, his exultation was checked
on observing tlie abuses which had sprung up in New- Am-
sterdam during his short absence. His walking-statF, whicli
he had sent home to act as his vicegerent, had, it is true, kept
his council-chamber in order ; the counsellors eyeing it with
awe as it lay in grim repose upon the table, and smoking
their pipes in silence; but its control extended not out of doors.

The populace unfortunately had had too much their own
way under the slack though fitful z-eign of William the Testy;
and though upon tiie accession of Peter Stuyvesant they had
felt, with the instinctive perception which mobs as well as
cattle possess, that the I'eins of government had passed into
stronger hands, yet could they not help fretting and chafing
and champing upon the bit, in restive silence.

Scarcely, therefore, had he departed on his expedition
against the Swedes, than the old factions of William Kieft's
reign had again thrust their heads above water. Pot-house
meetings were again held to "discuss the state of the nation,"
where cobblers, tinkers, and tailors, the self-dubbed " friends
of the people," once more felt themselves inspired with the

CHAP I.J PETER THE HEADSTRONG. 233

gift of legislation, and undertook to lecture on every move-
ment of government.

Now, as Peter Stuyvesant had a singular inclination to
govern the province by his individual will, his first move, on
his return, was to put a stop to this gratuitous legislation.
Accordingly, one evening, when an inspired cobbler was
holding forth to an assemblage of the kind, the intrepid Peter
suddenly made his appearance with his ominous walking-
staff in his hand, and a countenance sufficient to petrify
a mill-stone. The whole meeting was thrown into confusion
— the orator stood aghast, with open mouth and trembling
knees, while "horrorl tyranny! liberty! rights! taxes! death!
destruction ! " and a host of other patriotic phi-ases were
bolted forth before he had time to close his lips. Peter took
no notice of the skulking throng, but strode up to the bi-awl-
ing bully-ruffian, and pulling out a huge silver watch, which
might have served in times of yore as a town-clock, and
which is still retained by his descendants as a family curi-
osity, requested the orator to mend it, and set it going. The
orator humbly confessed it was utterly out of his power, as
he was unacquainted with the nature of its construction.
"Nay, but," said Peter, "try your ingenuity, man ; you see
all the springs and wheels, and how easily the clumsiest hand
may stop it, and pull it to pieces, and why should it not be
equally easy to regulate as to stop it ? " The orator de-
clared that his trade was wholly different — that he was a
poor cobbler, and had never meddled with a watch in his
life — that there were men skilled in the art whose business
it was to attend to those matters, but for his part he should
only mar the workmanship, and put the whole in confusion.
" Wiiy, harkee, master of mine," cried Peter, turning sud-
denly upon him with a countenance that almost petrified the
patcher of shoes into a perfect lapstone, " dost thou pretend
to m(iddle with the movements of government — to regulate,
and correct, and patch, and cobble a complicated machine,
the principles of which are above thy compi*ehension, and its
simplest operations too subtle for thy understanding, when
thou canst not connect a trifling error in a common piece of
mechanism, the whole mystery of which is open to thy inspec-
tion?— Hence with thee to the leather and stone, which are
emblems of thy head ; cobble thy shoes, and confine thyself
to the vocation fur which Heaven has fitted thee ; but,"

234 HISTORY OF NEW- YORK. [bOOK VU.

elevating his voice until it made the welkin ring, " if ever I
catch thee, or any of thy tribe, meddling again with affairs of
government, by St. Nicholas, but I'll have every mother's bas-
tard of ye flayed alive, and your hides stretched for drum-heads,
that ye may thenceforth make a noise to some purpose I "

Tliis threat, and the tremendous voice in which it was ut-
tered, caused the whole multitude to quake with fear. The
hair of the orator rose on his head like his own swine's bris-
tles ; and not a knight of the thimble present but his heart
died within him, and he felt as though he could have verily
escaped through the eye of a needle. The assembly dis-
persed in silent consternation ; the pseudo-statesmen who
had hitherto undertaken to regulate public aiFairs, were now-
fain to stay at home, hold their tongues, and take care of
their families ; and party feuds died away to such a degree,
that many thriving keepers of taverns and dram-shops were
utterly ruined for want of business. But though this mea-
sure produced the desired effect in putting an extinguisher
on the new lights just brightening up : yet did it tend to in-
jure the popularity of the great Peter with the thinking part
of the community : that is to say, that part which think for
others instead of for themselves ; or, in other words, who at-
tend to every body's business but their own. These accused
the old governor of being highly aristocratical, and in truth
there seems to have been some ground for such an accusa-
tion ; for he carried himself with a loi'ty, soldier-like air, and
was somewhat particular in his dress, appearing, when not in
uniform, in rich apparel of the antique flaundrish cut, and
was especially noted for having his sound leg (which was a
very comely one) always arrayed in a red stocking and high-
heeled shoe.

Justice he often dispensed in the primitive patriarchal way,
seated on the " stoep" before his door, under the shade of a
great button-wood tree ; but all visits of form and state were
received with something of court ceremony in the best par-
lour, where Antony the Trumpeter officiated as high cham-
berlain. On public occasions he appeared with great pomp
of equipage, and always rode to church in a yellow waggon
with flaming red wheels.

These symptoms of state and ceremony, as we have hinted,
were much cavilled at by the thinking (and talking) part of
the community. They had been accustomed to find easy

CHAP. I.] PETER THE HEADSTRONG. 235

access to their former governors, and in particular had lived
on terms of extreme intimacy witli William the Testy, and
they accused Peter Stuyvesant of assuming too much dignity
and reserve, and of wrapping himself in myster3^ Others,
however, have pretended to discover in all this a shrewd
policy on the part of the old governor. It is certainly of the
first importance, say they, that a country should be governed
by wise men ; but then it is almost equally important that
the people should think them wise; for this belief alone can
produce willing suboi'dination. To keep up, however, this
desirable confidence in rulers, the people should be allowed
to see as little of them as possible. It is the mystery which
envelopes great men, that gives them half their greatness.
There is a kind of superstitious reverence for office which
leads us to exaggerate the merits of the occupant, and to
suppose that he must be wiser than common men. He, how-
ever, who gains access to cabinets, soon finds out by what
foolishness the world is governed. He finds that there is
quackery in legislation as in every thing else ; that rulers
have their whims and errors as well as other men, and are not
so wonderfully superior as he had imagined, since even he
may occasionally confute them in argument. Thus awe sub-
sides into confidence, confidence inspires familiarity, and fami-
liarity produces contempt. Such was ihe case, say they, with
William the Testy. By making himself too easy of access,
he enabled every scrub-politician to measure wits with him,
and to find out the true dimensions not only of his person but
of his mind ; and thus it was that, by being familiarly scan-
ned, he was discovered to be a very little man. Peter Stuyve-
sant, on the contrary, say they, by conducting himself with
dignity and loftiness, was looked up to with great reverence.
As he never gave his reasons for any thing he did, the public
gave him credit for very profound ones ; every movement,
however intrinsically unimportant, was a matter of specula-
tion ; and his very red stockings excited some respect, as
being dilferent from the stockings of other men.

Another charge against Peter Stuyvesant was, that he had
a great leaning in favour of the patricians ; and, indeed, in his
time rose many of those mighty Dutch families which have
taken such vigorous root, and branched out so luxuriantly in
our state. Some, to be sure, were of earlier date, such as the
Van Kortlandts, the Van Zandt.s, the Ten Broecks, the Har-

236 HISTORY OF NEW-TOKK. [boOK TII.

den Broecks, and others of Pavonian renown, who gloried in
the title of " Discoverers," from having been engaged in the
nautical expedition from Communipaw, in which they so
heroically braved the terrors of Hell-gate and Buttermilk-
channel, and discovered a site for New- Amsterdam.

Others claimed to themselves the appellation of Conquerors^
from their gallant achievements in New- Sweden and their
victory over the Yankees at Oyster Bay. Such was that list
of warlike worthies heretofore enumerated, beginning with
the Van Wycks, the Van Dycks, and the Ten Eycks, and ex-
tending to the Rutgers, the Bensons, the BrinkerhotFs, and the
Schermerhorns ; a roll equal to the Doomsday Book of Wil-
liam the Conqueror, and establishing the hei-oic origin of
many an ancient aristocratical Dutch family. These, after
aU, are the only legitimate nobility and lords of the soil ; these
are the real " beavers of the Manhattoes ;" and much does it
grieve me in modern days to see them elbowed aside by foreign
invaders, and more especially by those ingenious people, "the
Sons of the Pilgrims ;" who out-bargain them in the mar-
ket, out-speculate them on the excliange, out-top them in
fortune, and run up mushroom palaces so high, that the.
tallest Dutch family mansion has not wind enough left for
its weather-cock.

In the proud days of Peter Stuy vesant, however, the good
old Dutch aristocracy loomed out in all its grandeur. The
burly burgher, in round-crowned flaunderish hat with brim
of vast circumference, in portly gabardine and bulbous mul-
tiplicity of breeches, sat on his "stoep" and smoked his pipe
in lordly silence ; nor did it ever enter his brain that the active,
restless Yankee, whom he saw through his half-shut eyes wor-
rying about in dog-day heat, ever intent on the main chance,
was one day to usurp control over these goodly Dutch do-
mains. Already, however, the races regarded each other
with disparaging eye. The Yankees sneeringly spoke of the
round-crowned burghers of the Manhattoes as the " Copper-
heads;" while the latter, glorying in their own nether rotun-
dity, and observing the slack galligaskins of their rivals, flap-
ping like an empty sail against the mast, retorted upon them
with the opprobrious appellation of " Platter-breeches."

CHAF. II.] PETER THE HEADSTRONG." ' 237

CHAP. II.

From what I have recounted in the foregoing chapter, I would
not have it imagined that the great Peter Avas a tyrannical
potentate, ruling with a rod of iron. On the contrary, where
the dignity of office permitted, he abounded in generosity and
condescension. If he refused the brawling multitude the
right of misrule, he at least endeavoured to rule them in
righteousness. To spread abundance in the land, he obliged
the bakers to give thirteen loaves to the dozen — a golden rule,
which remains a monument of his beneficence. So far from
indulging in unreasonable austerity, he delighted to see the
poor and the labouring man rejoice ; and for this purpose he
was a great promoter of holidays. Under his reign there was
a great cracking of eggs at Paas or Easter ; Whitsuntide or
Pinxter also flourished in all its bloom ; and never were
■stockings better filled on the eve of the blessed St. Nicholas.

New-year's Day, however, was his favourite festival, and
was ushered in by the ringing of bells and firing of guns.
On that genial day the fountains of hospitality were broken
up, and the whole community was deluged with cherry-
brandy, true Hollands, and mulled cider ; every house was a
temple to the jolly god ; and many a provident vagabond got
drunk out of pure economy, taking in liquor enough gratis
■to serve him half a year afterwards.

The great assemblage, however, was at the governor's
house, whither repaired all the burghers of New- Amsterdam
with their wives and daughters, pranked out in their best
attire. On this occasion the good Peter was devoutly observ-
ant of the pious Dutch rite of kissing the women-kind for a
happy new-year ; and it is traditional that Antony the Trum-
peter, who acted as gentleman usher, took toll of all who were
young and handsome, as they passed through the antecham-
ber. This venerable custom, thus happily introduced, was fol-
lowed with such zeal by high and low, that on New-year's Day,
during the reign of Peter Stuyvesant, New- Amsterdam was
the most thoroughly be-kissed community in all Christendom.

Another great measure of Peter Stuyvesant for public im-
provement was the distribution of fiddles throughout the land.
These were placed in the hands of veteran negroes, who
were dispatched as missionaries to every part of the province

238 HISTORY OF NEW- YORK. [bOOK VH.

This measure, it is said, was first suorgested by Antony the
Trumpeter ; and the effect was marvellous. Instead of those
"indignation meetings" set on foot in the time of William
the Testy, where men met together to rail at public abuses,
groan over the evils of the times, and make each other miser-
able, there were joyous gatherings of the two sexes to dance
and make merry. Now were instituted "quilting bees," and
"husking bees," and other rural assemblages, where, under
the inspiring influence of the fiddle, toil was enlivened by
gaiety and followed up by the dance. "Raising bees" alsa
were frequent, where houses sprang up at the wagging of
the fiddle-stick, as the walls of Thebes sprang up of yore
to the sotmd of the lyre of Amphion.

Jolly autumn, which pours its treasures over hill and dale,
was in those days a season for the lifting of the heel as well
as the heart ; labour came dancing in the train of abundancp,.
and frolic prevailed throughout the land. Happy days ! when'
the yeomanry of the Nieuw-Nederlands were merry rather
than wise ; and when the notes of the fiddle, those harbingers
of good humour and good will, resounded at the close of the
day from every hamlet along the Hudson !

Nor was it in rural communities alone that Peter Stuyve-
sant introduced his favourite engine of civilisation. Under
his rule the fiddle acquired that potent sway in New-Amster-
dam which it has ever since retained. Weekly assemblages
were held, not in heated ball-rooms at midnight hours, but
on Saturday afternoons, by the golden light of the sun,
on the green lawn of the Battery ; with Antony the Trum-
peter for master of ceremonies. Here would the good Peter
take his seat under the spreading trees, among the old bur-
ghers and their wives, and watch the mazes of the dance.
Here would he smoke his pipe, crack his joke, and forget the
rugged toils of war, in the sweet oblivious festivities of peace,
giving a nod of approbation to those of the young men who
shuflfled and kicked most vigorously; and now and then a
hearty smack, in all honesty of soul, to the buxom lass who
held out lonirest. and tired down every competitor — infallible
proof of her being the best dancer.

Once, it is true, the harmony of these meetings was in dan-
ger of interruption. A young belle, just returned from a visit
to Holland, who of course led the fashions, made her appear-
ance in not more than half a dozen petticoats, and these of

CHAP. II.] PETER THE HEADSTRONG. 239

alarming shortness. A whisper and a flutter ran through the
assembly. The young men of course were lost in admiration,
hut the old ladies were shocked in the extreme, especially
those who had marriageable daughters ; the young ladies
blushed and felt excessively for the "poor thing," and even the
governor himself appeared to be in some kind of perturbation.

To complete the confusion of the good folks she undertook,
in the course of a jig, to describe some figures in algebra
taught her by a dancing-master at Rotterdam. Unfortu-
nately, at the highest flourish of her feet, some vagabond
zephyr obtruded his services, and a display of the graces took
place, at which all the ladies present were thrown into great
consternation ; several grave country members were not a
little moved, and the good Peter Stuyvesant himself was
grievously scandalised.

The shortness of the female dresses, which had continued
in fashion ever since the days of William Kieft, had long
offended his eye ; and though extremely averse to meddling
with the petticoats of the ladies, yet he immediately recom-
mended that every one should be furnished with a flounce to
the bottom. He likewise ordered that the ladies, and indeed
the gentlemen, should use no other step in dancing than
"shufile and turn," and " double trouble ;" and forbade, under
pain of his high displeasure, any young lady thenceforth to
attempt what was termed " exhibiting the graces."

These were the only restrictions he ever imposed upon the
.sex, and these were considered by them as tyrannical oppres-
sions, and resisted with that becoming spirit manifested by
the gentle sex whenever their privileges are invaded. In fact,
Antony Van Corlear, who, as has been shown, was a sagacious
man, experienced in the ways of women, took a private occa-
sion to intimate to the governor that a conspiracy was form-
ing among the young vrouws of New- Amsterdam ; and that,
if the matter were pushed any further, there was danger of
their leaving off petticoats altogether ; whereupon the good
Peter shrugged his shoulders, dropped the subject, and ever
after suffered the women to wear their ])etticoats, and cut their
capers as high as they pleased ; a privilege wliicli they have
jealously maintained in the Manhattoes unto the present day.

240 HISTORY OF XEW-YORK. TbOOK VII.

CHAP. HI.

In the last two chapters I have regaled the reader with a delec-
table picture of the good Peter and his metropolis during an
interval of peace. It was, however, but a bit of blue skj in
a stormy day ; the clouds are again gathering up from all
points of the compass, and, if I am not mistaken in my forebod-
ings, we shall have rattling weather in the ensuing chapters.

it is with some communities, as it is with certain meddle-
some individuals — they have a Avonderful facility at getting
into scrapes ; and I have always remarked that those are most
prone to get in who have the least talent at getting out again.
This is doubtless owing to the excessive valour of those states ;
for I have likewise noticed that this rampant quality is always
most frothy and fussy where most confined ; which accounts
for its vapouring so amazingly in little states, little men and
•ugly little women more especially.

Such is the case with this little province of the Nieuw-
Nederlands ; which, by its exceeding valour, has already
drawn upon itself a host of enemies ; has had fighting enough
to satisfy a province twice its size ; and is in a fair way of
becoming an exceedingly forlorn, Avell -belaboured, and woe-
begone little province. AH which was providentially ordered
to give interest and sublimity to this pathetic history.

The first interruption to the halcyon quiet of Peter Stuyve-
sant was caused by hostile intelligence from the old belliger-
ent nest of Itensellaersteen. Killian, the lordly patroon of
Eensellaerwick, was again in the field, at the head of his myr-
midons of the Helderberg, seeking to annex the whole of the
Kaats-kill mountains to his domains. The Indian tribes of
these mountains had likewise taken up the hatchet, and
menaced the venerable Dutch settlement of Esopus.

Fain would I entertain the reader with the triumphant
campaign of Peter Stuyvesant in the haunted regions of those
mountains, but that I hold all Indian conflicts to be mere
bai'baric brawls, vinworthy of the pen which has recorded the
classic war of Fort Christina; and as to these Helderberg com-
motions, they are among the flatulencies which from time to
time afflict the bowels of this ancient province, as with a
wind-colic, and which I deem it seemly and decent to pass
over in silence.

CHAP, in.] PETER THE HEADSTRONG. 241

The next storm of trouble was from the south. Scarcely
had the worthy Mynheer Beekman got warm in the seat of
authority on the South River, than enemies began to spring
up all around him. Hard by was a formidable race of savages
inhabiting the gentle region watered by the Susquehanna, of
whom the following mention is made by Master Hariot in
his excellent history : —

*' The Susquesahanocks are a giantly people, strange in
proportion, behaviour, and attire — their voice sounding from
them as out of a cave. Their tobacco-pipes were three quar-
ters of a yard long ; carved at the great end with a bird,
beare, or other device, sufficient to beat out the brains of a
horse. The calfe of one of their legges measured three quar-
ters of a yard about; the rest of the limbs proportionable."*

These gigantic savages and smokers caused no little disquiet
in the mind of Mynheer Beekman, threatening to cause a
famine of tobacco in the land ; but his most formidable enemy
was the roaring, roistering English colony of Maryland, or,
as it was anciently written, Merryland ; so called because the
inhabitants, not having the fear of the Lord before their eyes,
were prone to make merry and get fuddled with mint-julep
and apple-toddy. They were, moreover, great horse-racers
and cock-fighters, mighty wrestlers and jumpers, and enor-
mous consumers of hoe-cake and bacon. They lay claim to
be the first inventors of those recondite beverages, cock-tail,
stone-fence, and sherry-cobbler, and to have discovered the
gastronomical merits of terrapins, soft crabs, and canvas-
back ducks.

This rantipole colony, founded by Lord Baltimore, a British
■ nobleman, was managed by his agent, a swaggering English-
man, commonly called Fendall ; that is to say, " ottend all," a
name given him for his bullying propensities. These were
seen in a message to Mynheer Beekman, threatening him, un-
less he immediately swore allegiance to Lord Baltimore as the
rightful lord of the soil, to come at the head of the roaring-
boys of Merryland and the giants of the Susquehanna, and
sweep him and his Nederlanders out of the country.

The trusty sword of Peter Stuyvesant almost leaped from
its scabbard, when he received missives from Mynheer Beek-
man, informing him of the swaggering menaces of the bully

* Harlot's Journal, I'lirch. Pilgrims.
R

242 HISTORY OF NEW-T014K. [bOOK VH.

Fendall ; and as to the giantly warriors of the Susquehanna,
nothing would have more delighted him than a bout, hand to
hand, with half a score of them ; having never encountered a
giant in the whole course of his campaigns, unless we may
consider the stout Risingh as such, and he was but a little one.
Nothing prevented his marching instantly to the South
River, and enacting scenes still more glorious than those of
Fort Christina, but the necessity of first putting a stop to the
increasing aggressions and inroads of the Yankees, so as not
to leave an enemy in his rear ; but he wrote to Mynheer Beek-
man to keep up a bold front and stout heart, promising, as
soon as he had settled aifairs in the east, that he would hasten
to the south witli his burly warriors of the Hudson, to lower
the crests of the giants, and mar the merriment of the Merry-
landers.

CHAP. IV.

To explain the apparently sudden movement of Peter Stuyve-
sant against the crafty men of the East Country, I would ob-
serve that, during his campaigns on the South River, and in
the enchanted regions of the Catskill Mountains, the twelve
tribes of the East had been more than usually active in pro-
secuting their subtle scheme for the subjugation of the Nieuw-
Nederlands.

Independent of the incessant maraudings among hen-roosts
and squattings along the border, invading armies would pene-
trate, from time to time, into the very heart of the country.
As their prototypes of yore went forth into the land of Canaan,
with their wives and their children, their men-servants and
their maid-servants, tlieir flocks and herds, to settle them-
selves down in the land and possess it ; so these chosen people
of modern days would progress throiigli the country in pa-
triarchal style, conducting carts and waggons laden with
Jiousehold furniture, witli women and children piled on top,
and pots and kettles dangling beneath. At the tail of these
vehicles would stalk a crew of long-limbed, lank-sided varlets.
with axes on their shoulders, and packs on their backs, reso-
lutely bent upon " locating " themselves, as they termed it,
and improving the country. These were the most dangerous
kind of invaders. It is true they were guilty of no overt acts
of hostility ; but it was notorious that, wherever they got a

CHAP. IV.] PETER THE HEADSTKONG. 243

footing, the honest Dutchmen gradually disappeared, retiring
slowly as do the Indians before the white men ; being in some
way or other talked and chaffered, and bargained and swapped,
and, in plain English, elbowed out of all those rich bottoms
and fertile nooks in which our Dutch yeomanry are prone to
nestle themselves.

Peter Stuy vesant was at length roused to this kind of war in
disguise, by which the Yankees were craftily aiming to subju-
gate his dominions. He was a man easily taken in, it is true,
as all great-hearted men are apt to be ; but if he once found
it out, his wrath was terrible. He now threw diplomacy to
the dogs, determined to appear no more by ambassadors, but
to repair in person to the great council of the Amphictyons,
bearing the sword in one hand and the olive branch in the
other ; and giving them their choice of sincere and honest
peace, or open and iron war.

His privy councillors were astonished and dismayed when
he announced his determination. For once they ventured to
remonstrate, setting forth the rashness of venturing his sacred
person in the midst of a strange and barbarous people. They
might as well have tried to turn a rusty w^eather-cock with a
broken-winded bellows. In the fiery heart of the iron-headed
Peter sat enthroned the five kinds of courage described by
Aristotle, and had the philosopher enumerated five hundred
more, I verily believe he would have possessed them all. As
to that better part of valour called discretion, it was too cold-
blooded a virtue for his tropical temperament.

Summoning, therefore, to his presence his trusty follower,
Antony Van Corlear, he commanded him to hold himself in
readiness to accompany him the following morning on this his
hazardous enterprise. Now Antony the Trumpeter was by
this time a little stricken in years, yet by dint of keeping up
a good heart, and having never known care or sorrow Hiaving
never been married), he was still a. hearty, jocund, rubicund,
gamesome wag, and of great capacity in the doublet. This
last was ascribed to his living a jolly life on those domains at
the Hook, which Peter Stuyvesant had granted to him for his
gallantry at Fort Casimir.

Be this as it may, there was notiiing that more delighted
Antony than this command of the great Peter, for he could
have followed the stout-hearted- old governor to the world's
end, with love and loyalty — and he moreover still remem-

244 HISTORY OF NEW-YORK. [book ^^r.

bered the frolicking, and dancing, and bundling, and other
disports of the east country, and entertained dainty recol-
lection of numerous kind and buxom lasses, whom he longed
exceedingly again to encounter.

Thus then did this mirror of hardihood set forth, with no
other attendant but his trumpeter, upon one of the most pe-
rilous enterprises ever recorded in the annals of knight-
errantry. For a single warrior to venture openly among a
"whole nation of foes — but, above all, for a plain, downright
Dutchman to think of negotiating with the whole council of
New-England! — never was there known a more desperate
undertaking ! Ever since I have entered upon the chronicles
of this peerless, but hitherto uncelebrated, chieftain, has he
kept me in a state of incessant action and anxiety with the
toils and dangers he is constantly encountering. Oh for a
chapter of the tranquil reign of Wouter Van Twiller, that I
might repose on it as on a feather-bed !

Is it not enough, Peter Stuyvesant, that I have once al-
ready rescued tliee from the machinations of these terrible
Ampliictyons, by bringing the powers of witchcraft to thine
aid ? Is it not enough that I have followed thee undaunted,
like a guardian spirit, into the midst of the horrid battle of
Fort Christina? That I have been put incessantly to my
trumps to keep thee safe and sound — now warding off with
my single pen the shower of dastard blows that fell upon thy
rear — now narrowly sliielding thee from a deadly thrust, by
a mere tobacco-box — now casing thy dauntless skull with
adamant, when even thy stubborn ram beaver failed to resist
the sword of the stout Kisingh — and now, not merely bring-
ing thee off alive, but triumphant, from the clutches of the
gigantic Swede, by the desperate means of a paltry stone
pottle ? Is not all this enougli, but must thou still be plunging
into new difficulties, and hazarding in headlong enterprises
thyself, thy trumpeter, and thy historian ?

And now the ruddy-faced Aurora, like a buxom chamber-
maid, draws aside the sable curtains of the night, and out
bounces from his bed the jolly red-haired Phoebus, startled at
being caught so late in the embraces of Dame Thetis. With
many a stable-boy oath he harnesses his brazen-footed steeds,
and whips, and lashes, and splashes up the lirmament, like a
loitering coachman, half an hour behind his time. And now
beliold_ that imp of lame and prowess, the headstrong Peter,

CHAP, n'.] PETER THE HEADSTRONG. 245

bestriding a raw-boned, switch-tailed charger, gallantly ar-
rayed in full regimentals, and bracing on his thigh that trusty,
brass-hilted sword, which had wrought such fearful deeds on
the banks of tlie Delaware.

Behold hard after him his doughty trumpeter, Van Corlear,
mounted on a broken-winded, wall-eyed, calico mare ; his
stone pottle, which had laid low the mighty Risingh, slung
under his arm ; and his trumpet displayed vauntingly in his
right hand, decorated with a gorgeous banner, on which is
emblazoned the great beaver of the Manhattoes. See them
proudly issuing out of the city gate, like ati iron-clad hero of
yore, with his faithful squire at his heels; the populace fol-
lowing with their eyes, and shouting many a parting wish
and hearty cheering, Farewell, Hardkoppig Piet! Farewell,
honest Antony ! pleasant be your wayfaring, prosperous your
return ! — the stoutest hero that ever drew a sword, and the
worthiest trumpeter that ever trod shoe-leather !

Legends are lamentably silent about the events that befel
our adventurers in this their adventurous travel, excepting
the Stuyvesant manuscript, which gives the substance of a
pleasant little heroic poem, written on the occasion by
Dominie iEgidius Luyck*, who appears to have been the
poet-laureate of New-Amsterdam. This inestimable manu-
script assures us, that it was a rare spectacle to behold the
great Peter and his loyal follower hailing the morning sun,
and rejoicing in the clear countenance of nature, as they
pranced it through the pastoral scenes of Bloemen Dael ;
which in those days Avas a sweet and rural valley, beautified
with many a bright wild flower, refreshed by many a pure
streamlet, and enlivened here and there by a delectable little
Dutch cottage, sheltered under some sloping hill, and almost
buried in embowering trees.

Now did they enter upon the confines of Connecticut, where
they encountered many grievous difiiculties and perils. At
one place they were assailed by a troop of country squires
and militia colonels, who, mounted on goodly steeds, hung
upon their rear for several miles, harassing them exceedingly
with guesses and questions, more especially the worthy Peter,

* This Luyck was, moreover, rector of the Latin School in Nieuw-
NeiU'ilands, 1663. There are two pieces addressed to JEgidius Luyck in
]). Sclvn's MSS. of poesies, upon his marriage with Judith Isendoom.
(Old MS.)

R 3

246 HISTORY OF NEW- YORK. [bOOK VII.

whose silver-chased leg excited not a little marvel. At an-
other place, hard by the renowned town of Stamford, they
were set upon by a great and mighty legion of church deacons,
who imperiously demanded of them five shillings for travelling
on Sunday, and threatened to carry them captive to a neigh-
bouring chui-ch, whose steeple peered above the trees ; but
these the valiant Peter put to rout with little difficulty, in-
somuch that they bestrode their canes and galloped off in
horrible confusion, leaving their cocked hats behind in the
hurry of their flight. But not so easily did he escape from
the hands of a crafty man of Pyquag : who, with undaunted
perseverance, and repeated onsets, fairly bargained him out
of his goodly switch-tailed clmrger, leaving in place thei*eof,
a villanous, foundered Narraganset pacer.

But, maugre all these hardships, they pursued their journey
cheerily along the course of the soft flowing Connecticut,
whose gentle waves, says the song, roll through many a fer-
tile A^ale and sunny plain ; now reflecting the lofty spires of
the bustling city, and now the rural beauties of the humble
hamlet ; now echoing with the busy hum of commerce, and
now with the cheerful song of the peasant.

At every town would Peter Stuyvesant, who was noted
for warlike punctilio, order the sturdy Antony to sound a
courteous salutation ; though the manuscript observes, that
the inhabitants were thrown into great dismay when they
heard of his approach. For the fame of his incomparable
achievements on the Delaware had spread throughout the
east country, and they dreaded lest he had come to take ven-
geance on their manifold transgressions.

But the good Peter rode through these towns with a smiling
aspect, waving his hand with inexpressible majesty and con-
descension ; for he verily believed that the old clothes which
these ingenious people had thrust into their broken windows,
and the festoons of dried apples and peaches which orna-
mented the fronts of their houses, were so many decorations
in honour of his approach, as it was the custom in the days
of chivalry to compliment renowned heroes by sumptuous
displays of tapestry and gorgeous furniture. The women
crowded to the doors to gaze upon him as he passed, so much
does prowess in arms delight the gentle sex. The little
children, too, ran after him in troops, staring with wonder at
his regimentals, his brimstone breeches, and the silver gar-

CHAP, v.] PETER THE HEADSTRONG^. 247

niture of his wooden leg. Nor must I omit to mention the
joy which many strapping wenches betrayed at beholding the
jovial Van Corlear, who Jiad whilom delighted them so much
with his trumpet, when he bore the great Peter's challenge
to the Amphictyons. The kind-hearted Antony alighted
from his calico mare, and kissed them all with infinite loving
kindness, and was right pleased to see a crew of little trum-
peters crowding round him for his blessing, each of whom
he patted on the head, bade him be a good boy, and gave him
a penny to buy molasses candy.

CHAP. V

Kow so it happened, that while the great and good Peter
Stuyvesant, followed by his trusty squire, was making his
chivalric progress through the east country, a dark and dire-
ful scheme of war against his beloved province was forming
in that nursery of monstrous projects, the British Cabinet.

This, we are confidently informed, was the result of the
secret instigations of the great council of the league ; who,
finding themselves totally incompetent to vie in arms with
the heavy-sterned warriors of the Manhattoes and their iron-
headed commander, sent emissaries to tlie British govern-
ment, setting forth in eloquent language the wonders and
delights of this delicious little Dutch Canaan, and imploring
that a force might be sent out to invade it by sea, while they
should cooperate by land.

These emissaries arrived at a critical juncture, just as the
British Lion was beginning to bristle up his mane and wag
his tail ; for we are assured by the anonymous writer of the
Stuyvesant manuscript, that the astounding victory of Peter
Stuyvesant at Fort Christina had resounded throughout
Europe, and his annexation of the territory of New-Sweden
had awakened the jealousy of the British cabinet for their
wild lands at the south. Tliis jealousy was brought to a
liead by the representations of Lord Baltimoi-e, Avho declared
that tlie territory thus annexed lay within the lands granted
to him by the British crown, and he claimed to be protected
in his rights. Lord Sterling, another British subject, claimed
the whole of Nassau, or Long Island, once the Ophir of William
the Testy, but now the kitchen-garden of tlie Manhattoes,

r4

248 HISTORY OF NEW- YORK. [bOOK VH.

wliich he declared to be British territory by the right of dis-
covery, but unjustly usurped by the Nederlanders.

The result of all these rumours and representations was a
sudden zeal on the part of his majesty Chai'les the Second,
for the safety and well-being of his transatlantic possessions,
and especially for the recovery of the New-Netherlands,
which Yankee logic had, somehow or other, proved to be a
continuity of the territory taken possession of for the British
crown by theJPilgrimSj'when they landed on Plymouth Rock,
fugitives from British oppression. All this goodly land, thus
wrongfully held by the Dutchmen, he presented, in a fit of
affection, to his brother the Duke of York ; a donation truly
royal, since none but great sovereigns have a right to give
away what does not belong to them. That tliis munificent
gift might not be merely nominal, his majesty ordered that
an armament should be straightway dispatched to invade the
city of New-Amsterdam by land and water, and put his
brother in complete possession of the premises.

Thus critically situated are the affairs of the New-Neder-
landers. While the honest burghers are smoking their pipes
in sober security, and the privy councillors are snoring in
the council chamber, while Peter the Headstrong is undaunt-
edly making his way through the east country, in theconfident
hope by honest words and manly deeds to bring the grand
council to terms, a hostile fleet is sweeping like a thunder-
cloud across the Atlantic, soon to rattle a storm of war about
the ears of the dozing Nederlanders, and to put the mettle
of their governor to the trial.

But come what may, I here pledge my veracity, that in all
warlike conflicts and doubtful perplexities, he will ever acquit
himself like a gallant, noble-minded, obstinate old cavalier.
Forward then to the charge I Shine out, propitious stars, on
the renowned city of the Manhattoes ; and the blessing of
St. Nicholas go with thee, honest Peter Stuyvesant.

CHAP. VI.

Grkat nations resemble great men in this particular, that
their greatness is seldom known until they get in trouble ;
adv( rsity, therefore, has been wisely denominated the ordeal
of true greatness, which, like gold, can never receive its real

CHAP. VI.] PETER THE HEADSTRONG. ] 249

estimation until it has passed through the furnace. In pro-
portion, therefore, as a nation, a communitj, or an individual
(possessing the inherent quality of greatness) is involved in
perils and misfortunes, in proportion does it rise in grandeur;
and even when sinking under calamity, makes, like a house
on fire, a more glorious display than ever it did in the fairest
period of its prosperity.

The vast empire of China, though teeming with population
and imbibing and concentrating the wealth of nations, has
vegetated through a succession of drowsy ages ; and were it
not for its internal revolution, and the subversion of its ancient
government by the Tartars, might have presented nothing
but a dull detail of monotonous prosperity. Pompeii and
Herculaneum might have passed into oblivion, with a herd
of their contemporaries, had they not been fortunately ovei*-
whelmed by a volcano. The renowned city of Ti'oy acquired
celebrity only from its ten years' distress and final conflagra-
tion ; Paris rose in importance by the plots and massacres
which ended in the exaltation of Napoleon ; and even the
mighty London has skulked through the records of time,
celebrated for nothing of moment excepting the plague, the
great fire, and Guy Faux's gunpowder plot! Thus cities
and empires creep along, enlarging in silent obscurity, until
they burst forth in some tremendous calamity, and snatch, as
it were, immortality from the explosion.

The above principle being admitted, my reader will plainly
perceive that the city of New-Amsterdam and its dependent
province are on the high road to greatness. Dangers and
hostilities threaten from every side, and it is really a matter
of astonishment, how so small a state has been able, in so
short a time, to entangle itself in so many difiiculties. Ever
since the province was first taken by the nose, at the Fort of
Good Hope, in the tranquil days of Wouter Van Twiller, has
it been gradually increasing in historic importance; and never
could it have had a more appropriate chieftain to conduct it
to the pinnacle of grandeur than Peter Stuy vesant.

This truly headstrong hero having successfully effected his
daring progress through the east country, girded up his loins
as he approached Boston, and prepared for the grand on-
slaught with the Amphictyons, which was to be the crowning
achievement of the campaign. Throwing Anthony Van
Corlear, who, with his calico mare, formed his escort and

250 HISTORY OF NEW- YORK. [bOOK VII.

army, a little in the advance, and bidding him be of stout
heart and great wind, he placed himself firmly in his saddle,
cocked his hat more fiercely over his left eye, summoned all
the heroism of his soul into his countenance, and, with one arm
a-kimbo, the hand resting on the pommel of his sword, rode into
the great metropolis of the league, Anthony sounding his trum-
pet before him in a manner to electrify the whole community.

Never was there such a stir in Boston as on this occasion;
never such a hurrying hither and thither about the streets ;
such popping of heads out of windows; such gathering of
knots in market-places. Peter Stuyvesant was a straight-
forward man, and prone to do every thing above board. He
would have ridden at once to the great council-house of the
league and sounded a parley; but the grand council knew the
mettlesome hero they had to deal with, and were not for doing
things in a hurry. On the contrary, they sent forth deputa-
tions to meet him on the way; to receive him in a style be-
fitting the great potentate of the Manhattoes, and to multiply
all kinds of honours, and ceremonies, and formalities, and
other courteous impediments in his path. Solemn banquets
were accordingly given him, equal to thanksgiving feasts.
Complimentary speeches were made him, wherein he was
entertained with the surpassing virtues, long sufferings, and
achievements of the Pilgrim Fathers ; and it is even said he
was treated to a sight of Plymouth Rock, that great corner-
stone of Yankee empire.

I will not detain my readers by recounting the endless de-
vices by which time was wasted, and obstacles and delays
multiplied to the infinite annoyance of the impatient Peter,
Neither will I fatigue them by dwelling on his negotiations
with the grand council, when he at length brought them to
business. Suflice it to say, it was like most other diplomatic
negotiations ; a great deal was said and very little done ; one
conversation led to another ; one conference begot misunder-
standings which it took a dozen conferences to explain, at the
end of which both parties found themselves just where they
had begun, but ten times less likely to come to an agx'eement.

In the midst of these perplexities, which bewildered the
brain and incensed the ire of honest Peter, he received private
intelligence of the dark conspiracy matured in the British
Cabinet, with the astounding fact that a British squadron was
already ou the way to invade New- Amstei'dam by sea; and that

CKAP. VI.] PETER THE HEADSTRONG. 251

the grand council of Amphictyons, while thus beguiling him
with subtleties, were actually prepared to cooperate by land!

Oh! how did the sturdy old warrior rage and roar, when
he found himself thus entrapped, like a lion in the hunter's
toil ! Now did he draw his trusty sword, and determine to
break in upon the council of the Amphictyons, and put every
mother's son of them to death. Now did he resolve to fight
his way throughout all the regions of the east, and to lay waste
Connecticut river.

Gallant, but unfortunate Peter ! Did I not enter with sad
forebodings on this ill-stared expedition? Did I not tremble
when I saw thee, with no other counsellor than thine own
head ; no other armour but an honest tongue, a spotless con-
science, and a rusty sword ; no other protector but St. Nicho-
las, and no other attendant but a trumpeter — did I not
tremble when I beheld thee thus sally forth to contend with
all the knowing powers of New-England ?

It was a long time before the kind-hearted expostulations
of Antony Van Corlear, aided by the soothing melody of his
trumpet, could lower the spirits of Peter Stuyvesant from
their Avarlike and vindictive tone, and prevent his making
widows and orphans of half the population of Boston. With
great difficulty, he was prevailed upon to bottle up his wrath
for the present ; to conceal from the council his knowledge of
their machinations ; and by effecting his escape, to be able to
arrive in time for the salvation of the Manhattoes.

The latter suggestion awakened a new ray of hope in his
bosom ; he forthwith dispatched a secret message to his
councillors at New-Amsterdam, apprising them of their dan-
ger, and commanding them to put the city in a posture of
defence, promising to come as soon as possible to their assist-
ance. This done, he felt marvellously relieved, rose slowly,
sliook himself like a rhinoceros, and issued forth from his
den, in much the same manner as Giant Despair is described
to have issued from Doubting Castle, in the chivalric history
of the Pilgrim's Progress.

And now much does it grieve me that I must leave the
gallant Peter in this imminent jeopardy; but it behoves us to
hurry back and see wliat is going on at New-Amsterdam, for
greatly do I fear that city is already in a turmoil. Such was
ever the fate of Peter Stuyvesant ; wliile doing one thing with
heart and soul, lie was too apt to leave every thing else at

252 HISTORY OF NEW-YORK. [bOOK VU.

sixes and sevens. While, like a potentate of yore, he was
absent attending to those things in person which in modern
days are trusted to generals and ambassadors, his little ter-
ritory at home was sure to get in an uproar; — all which was
OAving to that uncommon strength of intellect, which induced
him to trust to nobody but himself, and which had acquired
him the renowned appellation of Peter the Headstrong.

CHAP. vn.

There is no sight more truly interesting to a philosopher
than a community, where every individual has a voice in
public affairs; Avhere every individual considers himself the
Atlas of the nation; and where every individual thinks it his
duty to bestir himself for the good of his country — I say,
there is nothing more interesting to a philosopher than such
a community in a sudden bustle of war. Such clamour of
tongues — such patriotic bawling — such running hither and
thither — evei*y body in a hurry — eveiy body in trouble —
every body in the way, and every body interrupting his
neighbour — who is busily employed in doing nothing I It is
like witnessing a great fire, where the whole community are
agog — some dragging about empty engines, others scamper-
ing with full buckets, and spilling the contents into their
neighbour's boots, and others ringing the church bells all
night, by way of putting out the fire. Little firemen, like
sturdy little knights storming a breach, clambering up and
down scaling-ladders, and bawling through tin trumpets, by
way of directing the attack. Here a fellow, in his great zeal
to save the property of the unfortunate, catches up an anony-
mous chamber utensil, and gallants it off with an air of as
much self-importance as if he had rescued a pot of money;
there another throws looking-glasses and china out of the
window, to save them from the flames ; whilst those who can
do nothing else run up and down the streets, keeping up an
incessant cry of '* Fire ! fire! fire I"

"When the news arrived at Sinope," says Lucian — though
I own the story is rather trite — " that Philip was about to
attack them, the inhabitants were thrown into a violent alarm.
Some ran to furbish up their arms ; others rolled stones to
build up the walls ; every body, in short, was employed, and

CHAP. VII.] PETER THE HEADSTRONG. 253

every body in the way of his neighbour. Diogenes alone
could find nothing to do ; whereupon, not to be idle when
the welfare of his country was at stake, he tucked up his robe,
and fell to rolling his tub with might and main up and down
the Gymnasium." In like manner did every mother's son in
the patriotic community of New-Amsterdam, on receiving
the missives of Peter Stuyvesant, busy himself most mightily
in putting things in confusion, and assisting the general up-
roar. "Everyman," saith the Stuyvesant manuscript, "flew
to ai'ms!" by which is meant, that not one of our honest
Dutch citizens would venture to church or to market without
an old-fashioned spit of a sword dangling at his side, and a
long Dutch fowling-piece on his shoulder ; nor would he go
out of a night without a lantern ; nor turn a corner without
first peeping cautiously round, lest he should come unawares
upon a British army ; and we are informed that Stoffel
BrinkerhofF, who was considered by the old women almost as
brave a man as the governor himself, actually had two one-
pound swivels mounted in his entry, one pointing out at the
front door, and the other at the back.

But the most strenuous measure resorted to on this awful
occasion, and one which has since been found of wonderful
efficacy, was to assemble popular meetings. These brawling
convocations, I have already shown, were extremely ofifensive
to Peter Stuyvesant ; but as this was a moment of unusual
agitation, and as the old governor was not present to repress
them, they broke out with intolerable violence. Hither,
thei-efore, the oi'ators and politicians repaired; striving who
should bawl loudest, and exceed the others in hyperbolical
bursts of patriotism, and in resolutions to upiiold and defend
the government. In these sage meetings it was resolved
that they were the most enlightened, the most dignified, the
most formidable, and the most ancient community upon the
face of tiie earth. This resolution being carried unanimously,
another was immediately pi'oposed — whether it were not pos-
sible and politic to exterminate Great Britain ? upon which
sixty-nine members spoke in the affirmative, and only one
arose to suggest some doubts, who, as a punishment for his
treasonable presumption, was immediately seized by the mob,
and tarred and feathered, which punishment being equivalent
to the Tarpeian Rock, he was afterwards considered as an
outcast from society, and his opinion went for nothing. The

254 HISTORY OF NEW- YORK. [bOOK VII.

question, therefore, being unanimously carried in the affirma-
tive, it was recommended to the grand council to pass it into
a law ; which was accordingly done. By this measure the
hearts of the people at large were wonderfully encouraged,
and they waxed exceeding choleric and valorous. Indeed,
the first paroxysm of alarm having in some measure sub-
sided, the old women having buried all the money they could
lay their hands on, and their husbands daily getting fuddled
with what was left, the community began even to stand on the
offensive. Songs were manufactured in Low Dutch, and sung
about the streets, wherein the English were naost AvofuUy
beaten, and shown no quarter ; and popular addresses w^ere
made, wherein it was proved to a certainty that the fate of
Old England depended upon the will of the New-Amster-
dammers.

Finally, to strike a violent blow at the very vitals of Great
Britain, a multitude of the wiser inhabitants assembled,
and having purchased all the British manufactures they could
find, they made thereof a huge bonfire ; and in the patriotic
glow of the moment, every man present, who had a hat or
breeches of English Avorkraanship, pulled it off", and threw it
into the flames, to the irreparable detriment, loss, and ruin
of the English manufacturers ! In commemoration of this
great exploit, they erected a pole on the spot, with a device
on the top intended to represent the province of Nieuw-
Nederlands destroying Great Britain, under tlie similitude
of an eagle picking the little island of Old England out of
the globe ; but either through the unskilfulness of the
sculptor, or his ill-timed waggery, it bore a striking resem-
blance to a goose, vainly striving to get hold of a dumpling !

CHAP. vin.

It will need but little penetration in any one conversant with
the ways of that wise but windy potentate, the sovereign
people, to discover that notwithstanding all the warlike bluster
and bustle of the last chapter, the city of New- Amsterdam
was not a whit more prepared for Avar than before. The
privy councillors of Peter Stuy vesant were aware of this ; and,
having received his private orders to put the city in an im-
mediate posture of defence, they called a meeting of the

CHAP. VIII.] PETER THE HEADSTRONG. 255

oldest and richest burghers to assist them with their
wisdom. Tiiese Avere oi' that order of citizens commonly
termed " men of the greatest Aveight in the community ;" their
weight being estimated by the heaviness of their heads and
of their purses. Their wisdom in fact is apt to be of a
ponderous kind, and to hang like a millstone round the neck
of the community.

Two things were unanimously determined in this assembly
of venerables : First, that the city required to be put in a
state of defence ; and second, that, as the danger was immi-
nent, there should be no time lost : which points being set-
tied, they fell to making long speeches, and belabouring one
anotlier in endless and intemperate disputes. For about this
time was this unhappy city first visited by that talking en-
demic, so prevalent in this country, and which so invariably
evinces itself, wherever a number of wise hien assemble
together, breaking out in long, windy speeches ; caused, as
physicians suppose, by tlie foul air which is ever generated
in a crowd. Now it was, moreover, that they first introduced
the ingenious method of measuring the merits of an harangue
by the hour-glass, he being considered the ablest orator who
spoke longest on a question. For which excellent invention,
it is recorded, we are indebted to the same profound Dutch
critic Avho judged of books by their size.

This sudden passion for endless harangues, so little con-
sonant with the customary gi-avity and taciturnity of our sage
forefathers, was supposed by certain philosophers to have
been imbibed, together with divers other barbarous propen-
sities, from their savage neighbours ; who were peculiarly
noted for long talks and council fires, and never undertook
any affair of the least importance, without previous debates
and harangues among their chiefs and old men. But the
real cause was, that the people, in electing their representa-
tives to the grand council, were particular in choosing them
for their talents at talking, without inquiring whether they
possessed tlie more rare, difficult, and oft-times important
talent of holding their tongues. The consequence was, that
this deliberative body was composed of the most loquacious
men in the community. As they considered themselves
placed there to talk, every man concluded that his duty to
his constituents, and, what is more, his popularity with them,
required that he should harangue on every subject, Avhether

256 HISTORY OF NEW- YORK. [bOOK VII.

lie understood it or not. There was an ancient mode of
burying a chieftain, by every soldier throAving his shield full
of earth on the corpse, until a mighty mound Avas formed ;
so, whenever a question Avas brought forAvardjin this assembly,
every member pressing forAvard to throAv on his quantum of
Avisdom, the subject AA^as quickly buried under a mountain of
AA^ords.

We are told, that disciples on entering ^the school of
Pythagoras, Avere for tAA'o years enjoined silence, and for-
bidden either to ask questions, or make remarks. After
they had thus acquired the inestimable art of holding their
tongues, they were gradually permitted to make inquiries,
and finally to communicate their own opinions.

With what a beneficial effect could this wise regulation of
Pythagoras be introduced in modern legislative bodies — and
hoAv wonderfully Avould it have tended to expedite business
in the grand council of the Manhattoes.

At this perilous juncture the fatal word economy, the
stumbling-block of William the Testy, had been once more
set afloat, according to Avhich the cheapest plan of defence
Avas insisted upon as the best ; it being deemed a great stroke
of policy in furnishing poAvder to economise in ball.

Thus did Dame Wisdom (whom the wags of antiquity have
humourously personified as a woman) seem to take a mis-
chievous pleasure in jilting the venerable councillors of New-
Amsterdam. To add to the confusion, the old factions of
Short Pipes and Long Pipes, which had been almost strangled
by the Herculean grasp of Peter Stuyvesant, now sprang up
Avith tenfold vigour. Whatever Avas proposed by a Short
Pipe was opposed by the whole tribe of Long Pipes, Avho, like
true partisans, deemed it their first duty to efiect the downfall
of their rivals, their second to elevate themselves, and their
third to consult the public good; though many left the third
consideration out of question altogether.

In this great collision of hard heads, it is astonishing the
number of projects that AA'as struck out ; projects Avhich threw
the windmill system of William the Testy completely in the
back-ground. These Avere almost uniformly opposed by the
"men of the greatest Aveight in the community;" your
Aveighty men, though slow to devise, being ahvays great at
" negativing." Among these were a set of fat, self-important
old burghers, who smoked their pipes, and said nothing ex-

CHAP. IX.] PETER THE HEADSTROXG, 2o7

cept to negative every plan of defence proposed. These "were
that class of '• conservatives," wlio, having amassed a fortune,
button up their pockets, shut their mouths, sink, as it were,
into themselves, and pass the rest of their lives in the in-
dwelling beatitude of conscious wealth ; as some phlegmatic
oyster, having swallowed a pearl, closes its shell, sinks in the
inud, and devotes the rest of its life to the conservation of its
treasure. Every plan of defence seemed to these worthy old
gentlemen pregnant with ruin. An armed force was a legion
of locusts, preying upon the public property ; to fit out a
naval armament Avas to throw their money into the sea ; to
build fortifications was to bury it in the dirt. In short, they
settled it as a sovereign maxim, so long as their pockets were
full, no matter how much they were drubbed. A kick left
no scar ; a broken head cured itself; but an empty purse was
of all maladies the slowest to heal, and one in which nature
did nothing for the patient.

Thus did this venerable assembly of sages lavish away tliat
time, which the urgency of affairs rendered invaluable, in
empty brawls and long-winded speeches, without ever agree-
ing, except on the point with which they started, namely, that
there was no time to be lost, and delay was ruinous. At
length, St. Nicholas taking compassion on their distracted
situation, and anxious to preserve them from anarchy, so
ordered, that in the midst of one of their most noisy debates
on the subject of fortification and defence, when they had
nearly f^xllen to loggerheads in consequence of not being able
to convince each other, the question Avas happily settled by
the sudden entrance of a messenger, who informed them that
a hostile fleet had arrived, and was actually advancing up
the bay !

CHAP. IX.

Like as an assemblage of belligerent cats, gibbering and
caterwauling ; eyeing one another with hideous grimaces and
contortions ; spitting in each other's faces, and on the point
of a general clapper-clawing, are suddenly [)ut to scamper-
ing rout and confusion, by the appearance of a house
dog ; so was the no less vociferous council of New- Am-
sterdam amazed, astounded^ and totally dispersed by the
sudden arrival of the enemy. Every member waddled home

S

258 HISTORY OF NEW- YORK. [bOOK VU.

as fast as his short legs could carry him, wheezing as he
went with corpulency and terror. Arrived at his castle, he
barricaded the street-door, and buried himself in the cider-
cellar, without venturing to peep out, lest he should have his
head carried off by a cannon ball.

The sovereign people crowded into the market-place,
herding together with the instinct of sheep, who seek safety
in each other's company, when the shepherd and his dog are
absent, and the wolf is prowling round the fold. Far from
finding relief, however, they only increased each other's
terrors. Each man looked ruefully in his neighbour's face,
in search of encouragement, but only found in its wo-begone
lineaments a confirmation of his own dismay. Kot a word
now was to be heard of conquering Great Britain, not a
whisper about the sovereign virtues of economy — while the
old women heightened the general gloom by clamorously be-
wailing their fate, and calling for protection on St. Nicholas
and Peter Stuyvesant.

Oh, how did they bewail the absence of the lion-hearted
Peter! and how did they long for the comforting presence of
Antony Van Corlear ! Indeed a gloomy uncertainty hung
over the fate of these adventurous heroes. Day after day
had elapsed since the alarming message from the governor
without bringing any further tidings of his safety. Many a
fearful conjecture was hazarded, as to what had befallen him
and his loyal squire. Had they not been devoured alive by
the canibals of Marblehead and Cape Cod? Plad they not
been put to the question by the great council of Amphic-
tyons? Had they not been smothei'ed in onions by the
terrible men of Pyquag ? In the midst of this consternation
and perplexity, when horror, like a mighty nightmare, sat
broodingupou the little, fat, plethoric city of New-Amsterdam,
the ears of the multitude were suddenly startled by the
distant sound of a trumpet; — it approached — it grew louder
and louder — and now it resounded at the city gate. The
public could not be mistaken in the well-known sound ; a
shout of joy burst from their lips, as the gallant Peter, covered
with dust, and followed by his faithful trumpeter, came
galloping into the market-place.

The first transports of the populace having subsided, they
gathered round the honest Antony, as he dismounted, over-
whelming him with greetings and congratulations. In breath-

CHAP. IX.] PETER THE HEADSTRONG. 259

less accents, he related to them the marvellous adventures
throufrh which the old governor and himself had gone, in
making their escape from the clutches of the terrible Am-
phictyons. But though the Stuyvesant manuscript, with its
customary minuteness where anything touching the great
Peter is concerned, is very particular as to the incidents of this
masterly retreat, the state of the public affairs will not allow
me to indulge in a full recital thereof. Let it suffice to say,
that, while Peter Stuyvesant was anxiously revolving in his
mind how he could make good his escape with honour and
dignity, certain of the ships sent out for the conquest of the
Manhattoes touched at the eastern ports to obtain supplies,
and to call on the grand council of the league for its pro-
mised co-operation. Upon hearing of this, the vigilant
Peter, perceiving that a moment's delay were fatal, made a
secret and precipitate decampment, though much did it
grieve his lofty soul to be obliged to turn his back even upon
a nation of foes. Many hair-breadth 'scapes and divers
perilous mishaps did they sustain, as they scoured, without
sound of trumpet, through the fair regions of the east. Al-
ready was the country in an uproar with hostile preparation,
and they Avere obliged to take a large circuit in their flight,
lurking along through the woody mountains of the Devil's
Backbone ; whence the valiant Peter sallied forth, one day like
a lion, and put to rout a whole legion of squatters, consist-
ing of three generations of a prolific family, who were al-
ready on their way to take possession of some corner of the
New-Netherlands. Nay, the faithful Antony had great
difficulty, at sundry times, to prevent him, in the excess of
his wrath, from descending down from the mountains, and
falling, sword in hand, upon certain of the border-towns,
Avho were marshalling forth their draggle-tailed militia.

The first movement of the governor, on reaching his
dwelling, was to mount the roof, Avhence he contemplated
with rueful aspect the hostile squadron. This had already
come to anchor in the bay, and consisted of two stout frigates,
having on board, as John Josselyn, gent., informs us, " three
hundred valiant red coats." Having taken this survey, he
sat himself down, and wrote an epistle to the commander,
demanding the reason of his anchoring in the harbour with-
out obtaining previous permission so to do. This letter was
couched in the most dignified and courteous terms, though I

s 2

260 niSTORY OF NK-.V-YORK. [cOOK VII.

have it from imdoubted nutliority that his teeth -were clinched,
and he had a bitter sardonic grin upon his visage all the while
he Avrote. Having dispatched his letter, the grim Peter
stumped to and fro about the town, with a most war-betoken-
ing countenance, his hands thrust into his breeches pockets,
and Avhistling a low Dutch psalm-tune, which bore no small
resemblance to the music of a northeast wind, when a storm
is brewing. The very dogs, as they eyed him, skulked away in
dismay ; while all the old and ugly women of Kew-Amster-
dam ran howling at his heels, imploring him to save them
from murder, robbery, and pitiless ravishment !

The reply of Colonel Kichols, who commanded the in-
vaders, was couched in terms of equal courtesy with the
letter of the governor, declaring the right and title of
his British INTajesty to the province; where he affirmed the
Dutch to be mere interlopers ; and demanding that the town,
forts, etc. should be forthwith rendered into his majesty's
obedience and protection ; promising, at the same time, life,
liberty, estate, and free trade, to every Dutch denizen who
should readily submit to his majesty's government.

Peter Stuy vesant read over this friendly epistle with some
such harmony of aspect as we may suppose a crusty farmer
reads the loving letter of John Stiles, warning him of an ac-
tion of ejectment. He was not, however, to be taken by
surprise; but, thrusting the summons into his breeches
pocket, stalked three times across the room, took a pinch
of snuft' with great vehemence, and then, loftily waving
his hand, promised to send an answer the next morning.
He now summoned a general meeting of his privy councillors
and burgomasters, not to ask their advice, for confident in his
own strong head, he needed no man's counsel, but apparently
to give them a piece of his mind on their late craven conduct.

His orders being duly promulgated, it was a piteous sight
to behold the late valiant burgomasters, who had demolished
the whole British empire in their harangues, peeping ruefully
out of their hiding-places ; crawling cautiously forth ; dodging
thi'ough narrow lanes and alleys ; starting at every little dog
that barked ; mistaking lamp-posts for British grenadiers ;
and, in the excess of their panic, metamorphosing pumps into
formidable soldiers, levelling blundei'busses at their bosoms I
Having, however, in despite of numerous perils and difficul-
ties of tlie kind, arrived safe, without the loss of a single man,

CHAP. IX.] PETER THE HEADSTRONG. 261

at the hall of assembly, they took their seats, and awaited
in fearful silence the arrival of the governor. In a few mo-
ments the wooden leg of the intrepid Peter was heard in
regular and stout-hearted thumps upon the staircase. He
entered the chamber, arrayed in full suit of regimentals,
and carrying his trustj' toledo, not girded on his thigh, but
tucked under his arm. As the governor never equipped him-
self in this portentous manner unless something of martial
nature were working within his pericranium, his council re-
gai'ded him ruel'ully, as if they saw tire and sword in his iron
countenance, and forgot to light their pipes in breathless
suspense.

His first words were, to rate his council soundly for having
wasted in idle debate and party feud the time which should
have been devoted to putting the city in a state of defence.
Pie Avas particularly indignant at those brawlers who had
disgraced the councils of the province by empty bickerings
and scurrilous invectives against an absent enemy. He now
called upon them to make good their words by deeds, as tlie
enemy they had defied and derided was at the gate. Finally,
he informed them of the summons he had received to sur-
rendei", but concluded by swearing to defend the province as
long as Heaven was on his side, and he had a wooden leg to
stand upon ; which warlike sentence he emphasized by a
thwack with the flat of his sword upon the table, that quite
electrified his auditors.

The privy councillors, who had long since been brought
into as perfect discipline as were ever the soldiers of the
great Frederick, knew there was no use in saying a word, so
lighted their pipes, and smoked away in silence, like fat and
discreet councillors. But the burgomasters, being inflated
with considerable importance and self-sufficiency, acquired at
popular meetings, were not so easily satisfied. Mustering up
fresh spirit, when they found there was some chance of es-
caping from their present jeopardy without the disagreeable
alternative of fighting, they i-equested a copy of the summons
to surrender, that they might show it to a general meeting of
the people.

So insolent and mutinous a request would have been
enough to have roused the gorge of the tranquil Van Twiller
himself — what, then, must have been its effect upon tlie
great Stuyvesant, who was not only a Dutchman, a governor,

262 HISTORY OF NEW-TOKK. [bOOK VU.

and a valiant wooden legged soldier to boot, but withal a
man of the most stomachful and gunpowder disposition ? He
burst i'orth into a blaze of indignation, — swore not a mother's
son ol' them .should see a syllable of it ; that as to their advice
or concurrence, he did not care a whitf of tobacco for either ;
that they miglit go home, and go to bed like old women, for
he was determined to defend the colony himself, without the
assistance of them or their adherents ! So saying, he tucked
his sword under his arm, cocked his hat upon his head, and
girding up his loins, stumped indignantly out of the council-
chamber, every body making room for him as he passed.

Ko sooner was he gone than the busy burgomasters called
a public meeting in front of the stadt-house, where they ap-
pointed as chairman one Dofue Roerback, formerly a med-
dlesome member of the cabinet during the reign of William
the Testy, but kicked out of office by Peter JStuyvesant on
taking the reins of government. He was, withal, a mighty
gingerbread baker in the land, and reverenced by the po-
pulace as a man of dark knowledge, seeing that he was the
first to imprint New-year cakes with the mysterious hiero-
glyphics of the Cock and Breeches, and such like magical
devices.

This burgomaster, who still chewed the cud of ill-will
against Peter Stuyvesant, addressed the multitude in what
is called a patriotic speech, informing them of the
courteous summons which the governor had received to
surrender, of his refusal to comply therewith, and of his
denying the public even a sight of the summons, which
doubtless contained conditions highly to the honour and ad-
vantage of the province.

He then proceeded to speak of his excellency in high-
sounding terms of vituperation, suited to the dignity of his
station ; comparing him to Nero, Caligula, and other flagrant
great men of yore ; assuring the people that the history of
the Avorld did not contain a despotic outrage equal to the
present ; that it would be recorded in letters of tire, on the
blood-stained tablet of history ; that ages would roll back
with sudden horror when they came to view it; that the
womb of time (by the way, your orators and writei's take
strange liberties with the womb of time, though some would
fain have us believe that time is auold gentleman) — that the
womb of time, pregnant as it was with direful horrors, would

CHAP. X.] PETER THE HEADSTRONG. 263

never produce a parallel enormity ; with a variety of other
heart-rending, soul-stirring tropes and figures, which I can-
not enumerate ; neither, indeed, need I, for they were of the
kind which even to the present day form the style of popular
harangues and patriotic orations, and may be classed in
rhetoric under the general title of Rigmarole.

Tlie result of this speech of the inspired burgomaster was
a memorial addressed to the governor, remonstrating in good,
round terms on his conduct. It was proposed that Dofue
Roerback himself should be the bearer of this memorial ; but
this he warily declined, having no inclination of coming again
within kicking distance of his excellency. Who did deliver
it has never been named in history ; in which neglect he has
suffered grievous wrong, seeing that he was equally worthy of
blazon with him perpetuated in Scottish sorg and story by
the surname of Bell-the-cat. All we know of the fate of this
memorial is, that it was used by the grim Peter to light his
pipe ; which, from the vehemence with which he smoked it,
was evidently any thing but a pipe of peace.

CHAP. X.

Now did the high-minded Pieter de Groodt shower down a
pannier load of maledictions upon his burgomasters for a set
of self-willed, obstinate, i'actious varlets, who would neither
be convinced nor persuaded. Nor did he omit to bestow
some left-handed compliments upon the sovereign people, as
a herd of poltroons, who had no relish for the glorious hard-
ships and illustrious misadventures of battle, but would
rather stay at home, and eat and sleep in ignoble ease, than
fight in a ditch for immortality and a broken head.

Resolutely bent, however, upon defending his beloved city,
in despite even of itself, he called unto him his trusty Van
Corlear, who was his right-hand man in all times fof
emergency. Him did he adjure to take his war-denouncing
trumpet, and mounting his horse, to beat up the country
night and day — sounding the alarm along the pastoral bor-
ders of the Bronx — startling the wild solitudes of Croton —
arousing the rugged yeomanry of VVeehawk and Hoboken —
the mighty men of battle of Tappan Bay — and the brave boys
of Tarry- Town, Petticoat-Lane, and Sleepy-Hollow — charg-

s 4

264 HISTORY OF NEW-YORK. '' [bOOK VII.

ing them one and all to sling their powder-horns, shouidertheir
lowling-pieces, and march merrily down to the Manhattoes.

iMow there was nothing in all the world, the divine sex ex-
cepted, that Antony Van Corlear loved better than errands
of this kind. So just stopping to take a lusty dinner, ami
bracing to his side his junk bottle, well charged with heart-
inspiring Hollands, he issued jollily from the city gate, which
looked out upon what is at present called Broadway ; sound-
ing a farewell strain, that rung in sprightly echoes through
the winding streets of New-Amsterdam. — Alas I never more
were they to be gladdened by the melody of their favourite
trumpeter.

It was a dark and stormy night when the good Antony
arrived at the creek (sagely denominated Ilaeidem river)
which separates the island of Manua-hata from the mainland.
The wind was high, the elements were in an uproar, and no
Charon could be found to I'erry the adventurous sounder of
biass across the water. For a short time he vapoured like
an impatient ghost upon the brink, and then bethinking him-
self of the urgency of his errand took a hearty embrace of
his stone bottle, swore most valorously that he would swim
across in spite of the devil {spt/t den diiyvel), and daringly
plunged into the stream. Luckless Antony I scarce had he
butfetted half-way over, wlieu he was observed to struggle
violently, as if battling with the spirit of the waters — in-
stinctively he put his trumpet to his mouth, and giving a
vehement blast, sank for ever to the bottom.

The clangour of his triunpet, like that of the ivory horn of
the renowned Paladin Orlando, when expiring in the glorious
Held of Roncesvalles, rang far and wide through the country,
alarming the neighbours round, who hurried in amazement
to tlie spot. Here an old Dutcli burgher, i'amed for his ve-
racity, and who had been a witness of the fact, related to
them the melancholy affair ; with the fearful addition (to
which I am slow of giving belief) that he saw the duyvel, in
the shape of a huge moss-bonker, seize the sturdy Antony by
the leg, and drag him beneatii the waves. Certain it is, the
place, witli the adjoining promontory, wiiich projects into the
Hudson, has been called Spi/t den Duyvel ever since ; the
ghost of the unfortunate Antony still haunts the surrouuding^
solitudes, and his trumpet has often been heard by the neigh-
bours, of a stormy night, mingling with tlie howling of the

CHAP. X.] PETER THE HEADSTRONG. 265

blast. Nobody ever attempts to swim across the creek after
dark ; on the contrary, a bridge has been built to guai'd
against such melancholy accidents in future ; and as to moss-
bonkers, they are held in such abhorrence, that no true
Dutchman will admit them to his table, Avho loves good fish
and hates the devil.

Such Avas the end of Antony Van Corlear — a man deserv-
ing of a better fate. He lived roundly and soundly, like a
true and jolly bachelor, until the day of his death ; but though
he was never married, yet did he leave behind some two or
three dozen children, in different parts of the countiy — fine,
chubby, brawling, flatulent little urchins ; from whom, if
legends speak true (and they are not apt to lie), did descend
the innumerable race of editors, who people and defend this
country, and who are bountifully paid by the people for keep-
ing up a constant alarm, and making them miserable. It
is hinted, too, that in his various expeditions into the east he
did much towards promoting the population of the countiy ;
in proof of which is adduced the notorious propensity of the
people of those parts to sound their own trumpet.

As some way-worn pilgrim, when the tempest whistles
through his locks, and night is gathering round, beholds his
faithful dog, the companion and solace of his journeying,
stretched lifeless at his feet, so did the generous-hearted hero
of the Manhattoes contemplate the untimely end of Antony
Van Corlear. He had been the faithful attendant of his
footsteps ; he had charmed him in many a weary hour by his
honest gaiety and the martial melody of his trumpet; and had
followed him with unflinching loyalty and affection through
many a scene of direful peril and mishap. He was gone for
ever ! and that, too, at a moment when every mongrel cur
was skulking from his side. This, Peter Stuyvesant, was
the moment to try thy fortitude ; and this was the moment
when thou didst indeed shine forth — Peter the Headstrong !

The glare of day had long dispelled the horrors of the
stormy night ; still all was dull and gloomy. The late jovial
Apollo hid his face behind lugubrious clouds, peeping out
now and then for an instant, as if anxious, yet fearful, to see
what was going on in his favourite city. This Avas the event-
ful morning when the great Peter was to give his reply to the
summons of the invaders. Already was he closeted with his
privy council, sitting in grim state, brooding over the fate of

266 HISTORY OF KE"SV-YORK. [bOOK VU.

his favourite trumpeter, and anon boiling with indignation as
the insolence ot" his recreant burgomasters flashed upon his
mind. While in this state of irritation, a courier arrived in
all haste from Winthrop, the subtle governor of Connecticut,
counselling him, in the most affectionate and disinterested
manner, to surrender the province, and magnifying the dangers
and calamities to which a refusal would subject him. — What
a moment was this to intrude officious advice upon a man who
never took advice in his whole life 1 — The fiery old governor
strode up and down the chamber with a vehemence that made
the bosoms of his councillors to quake with awe — railing at
his unlucky fate, that thus made him the constant butt of
factious subjects and Jesuitical advisers.

Just at this ill-chosen juncture, the officious burgomasters,
who had heard of the arrival of mysterious dispatches, came
marching in a body into the room, with a legion of schepens
and toad-eaters at their heels, and abruptly demanded a
perusal of the letter. This was too much for the spleen of
Peter Stuyvesant. He tore the letter in a thousand pieces —
threw it in the face of the neai-est burgomaster — broke his
pipe over the head of the next — hui'led his spitting-box at
an unlucky schepen, who was just retreating out at the door,
and finally prorogued the whole meeting sine die, by kicking
them downstairs with his wooden leg.

As soon as the burgomasters could recover from their con-
fusion and had time to breathe, they called a public meeting,
where they related at full length, and with appropriate colour-
ing and exaggeration, the despotic and vindictive deportment
of the governor; declaring that, for their own parts, they did
not value a straw the being kicked, cuffed, and mauled by
the timber toe of his excellency, but that they felt for the
dignity of the sovereign people, thus rudely insulted by the
outrage committed on the seat of honour of their representa-
tives.° The latter part of the harangue came home at once
to that delicacy of feeling, and jealous pride of character,
vested in all true mobs ; who, though they may bear injuries
without a murmur, yet are marvellously jealous of their
sovereign dignity ; and there is no knowing to what act of
resentment they might have been provoked, had they not
been somewhat more afraid of their sturdy old governor than
they were of St. Nicholas, the English, or the d 1 himself.

CHAP. XI.] PETEU THE HEADSTKONG. 267

CHAP. XI.

Theue is something exceedingly sublime and melancholy ia
the spectacle which the present crisis of our history presents.
An illustrious and venerable little city — the metropolis of a
vast extent of uninhabited country — garrisoned by a doughty
host of orators, chairmen, committee-men, burgomasters,
schepens, and old women — governed by a determined and
strong-headed warrior, and Ibrtiiied by mud batteries, pali-
sadoes, and resolutions — blockaded by sea, beleaguered by
land, and threatened with direful desolation from without ;
while its very vitals are torn with internal faction and com-
motion ! Never did historic pen record a page of more com-
plicated distress, unless it be the strife that distracted the
Israelites during the siege of Jerusalem, where discordant
parties Avere cutting each otlier's throats, at the moment
when the victorious legions of Titus had toppled down their
bulwarlvs, and were carrying fire and sword into the very
sanctum sanctorum of the temple !

Governor Stuyvesant having triumphantly put his grand
council to the rout, and delivered himself from a multitude
of impertinent advisers, dispatched a categorical reply to the
commanders of the invading squadron ; ^wherein he asserted
the right and title of their High Mightinesses the Lords States
General to the province of New-Netherlands, and trusting
in the rigliteousness of his cause, set the whole British nation
at defiance !

My anxiety to extricate my readers and myself from these
disastrous scenes pi-events me from giving the whole of this
gallant letter, which concluded in these manly and aifectionate
terms :

" As touching the threats in your conclusion, we have
nothing to answer, only that we fear nothing but what God
(who is as just as merciful) shall lay upon us; all things
being in his gracious disposal, and we may as well be pre-
served by him witli small forces as by a great army ; wliich
makes us to wish you all happiness and prosperity, and re-
commend you to his protection. — My lords, your thrice
humble and affectionate servant and friend,

,^ " P. Stuyvesant."

Thus having thrown his gauntlet, the brave Peter stuck a

268 HISTORY OF XEW-TORK. [bOOK VII.

pair of horse-pistols in iiis belt, girded an immense powder-
horn on his side, thrust his sound leg into a Hessian boot,
and clapping his fierce little war-hat on the top of his head,
paraded up and down in front of his house, determined to
defend his beloved city to the last.

While all these struggles and dissensions were prevailing
in the unhappy city of New- Amsterdam, and while its worthy
but ill-starred governor was framing the above-quoted letter,
tlie English commanders did not remain idle. They had
agents secretly employed to foment the fears and clamours of
the populace ; and moreover circulated far and wide, through
the adjacent country, a proclamation, repeating the terms
they had already held out in their summons to surrender, at
the same time beguiling the simple Nederlanders with the
most crafty and conciliating professions. They promised
that every man who voluntarily submitted to the authority
of his British Majesty should retain peaceful possession of
his house, his vrouw, and his cabbage-garden. That he
should be suffered to smoke his pipe, speak Dutch, wear as
many bi'eeches as he pleased, and import bricks, tiles, and
stone jugs from Holland, instead of manufacturing them on
the spot. That he should on no account be compelled to
learn the English language, nor eat codtlsli on Saturda3's, nor
keep accounts in any other way than by casting them up on
his fingers, and chalking them down upon the crown of his
hat; as is observed among the Dutch yeomanry at the present
day. That every man should be allowed quietly to inherit
his father's hat, coat, shoe-buckles, pipe, and every other per-
sonal appendage ; and that no man should be obliged to con-
form to any improvements, inventions, or any other modern
innovations ; but, on the contrary, should be permitted to
build his house, follow his trade, manage his farm, rear his
Ijogs, and educate his children, precisely as his ancestors had
done before him from time immemorial. Finally, that he
should have all the benefits of free trade, and should not be
required to acknowledge any other saint in the calendar than
St. Nicholas, who should thenceforward, as before, be con-
sidered the tutelar saint of the city.

These terms, as may be supposed, appeared very satisfac-
tory to the people, who had a great disposition to enjoy their
property unmolested, and a most singular aversion to engage
in a contest, where they could gain little more than honour
and broken lieads ; the lirst of which they held in philosophic

CHAP. XI.] PETER THE HEADSTRONG. 269

indiiference, the latter in utter detestation. By these insidious
means, tlierefore, did the English succeed in alienating the
confidence and affections of the populace from their gallant
old governor, whom they considered as obstinately bent upon
running them into hideous misadventures ; and did not hesi-
tate to speak their minds freely, and abuse him most heartily,
behind his l^ack.

Like as a mighty grampus, when assailed and buffeted by
roaring waves and brawling surges, still keeps on an unde-
viating course, rising above the boisterous billows, spouting
and blowing as he emerges ; so did the inflexible Peter pursue,
unwavering, his determined career, and rise, contemptuous,
above the clamours of the rabble.

But when the British warrioi's found that he set their power
at defiance, they dispatched recruiting officers to Jamaica and
■Jericho, and Nineveh, and Quag, and Patchog, and all those
towns on Long Island whi^i had been subdued of yore by
Stoffel Brinkerhoff ; stirring up the progeny of Preserved
Fish, and Determined Cock, and those other New-England
squatters, to assail the city of New-Amsterdam by land;
while the hostile ships prepared for an assault by water.

The streets of New- Amsterdam now presented a scene of
wild dismay and consternation. In vain did Peter Stuyvesant
order the citizens to arm and assemble on the Battery. Blank
teri'or reigned over the community. The whole party of
Short Pipes in the course of a single night had changed into
arrant old women — a metamorphosis only to be paralleled by
the prodigies recorded by Livy as having happened at Rome
at the approach of Hannibal, when statues sweated in pure
affright, goats were converted into sheep, and cocks, turning
into hens, ran cackling about the street.

Thus baffied in all attempts to put the city in a state of
defence, blockaded from without, tormented from within, and
menaced with a Yankee invasion, even the stiff-necked will
of Peter Stuyvesant for once gave way, and in spite of his
Diighty heart, which swelled in his throat until it nearly
-choked him, he consented to a treaty of surrender.

Words cannot express the transports of the populace on
receiving this intelligence ; had they obtained a conquest over
their enemies, they could not have indulged greater delight.
The streets resounded witli their congratulations — they ex-
tolled their governor as the father and deliverer of his country
■r- they crowded to his house to testify their gratitude, and were

270 HISTORY OF NEW- YORK. [bOOK Vn.

ten times more noisy in their plaudits than when he returned,
with victory perched upon his beaver, from the glorious
capture of Fort Christina. But the indignant Peter shut his
doors and windows, and took refuge in the innermost re-
cesses of his mansion, that he might not hear the ignoble
rejoicings of the rabble.

Commissioners were now appointed on both sides, and a
capitulation was speedily arranged ; all that was wanting to
ratify it was that it should be signed by the governor. When
the commissioners waited upon him for this purpose, they
were received with grim and bitter courtesy. His warlike
accoutrements were laid aside; an old Indian night-gown
was wrapped about his rugged limbs ; a red night-cap over-
shadowed his frowning brow; an iron-grey beard of three
days' growth gave additional grimness to his visage. Thrice
did he seize a worn-out stump of a pen, and essay to sign the
loathsome paper; thrice did he flinch his teeth, and make a
horrible countenance, as though a dose of rhubarb, senna,
and ipecacuanha, had been offered to his lips. At length,
dashing it from him, he seized his brass-hilted sword, and
jerking it from the scabbard, swore by St. Nicholas to sooner
die than yield to any power under heaven.

For two whole days did he persist in this magnanimous re-
solution, during which his house was besieged by the rabble,
and menaces and clamorous revilings exhausted to no pur-
pose. And now another coui'se was adopted to soothe, if
possible, his mighty ire. A procession was formed by the
burgomasters and schepens, followed by the populace, to bear
the capitulation in state to the governor's dwelling. They
found the castle strongly barricaded, and the old hero in full
regimentals, with his cocked hat on his head, posted with a
blunderbuss at the garret window.

There was something in this formidable position that struck
even the ignoble vulgar with awe and admiration. The
brawling multitude could not but reflect with self-abasement
upon their own pusillanimous conduct, when they beheld their
hardy but deserted old governor, thus faithful to his post, like
a forlorn hope, and fully prepared to defend his ungrateful
city to the last. These compunctions, however, were soon
overwhelmed by the recurring tide of public apprehension.
The populace arranged themselves before the house, taking
off their hats with most respectful humility ; Burgomaster
Roerback, who was of that popular class of orators described

CHAP. XI.] PETER THE HEADSTRONG. 271

by Snllust, as being " talkative rather than eloquent," stepped
forth and addressed the governor in a speech of three hours'
lengtli, detailing, in the most pathetic terms, the calamitous
situation of the province, and urging him, in a constant repe-
tition of the same arguments and words, to sign the capitulation.

The mighty Peter eyed him from his garret window in grim
silence. Now and then his ej'^e would glance over the sur-
rounding rabble, and an indignant grin, like that of an angry
mastiff, would mark his iron visage. But though a man of
most undaunted mettle — though he had a heart as big as an
ox, and a head that would have set adamant to scorn — yet
after all he was a mere mortal. Wearied out by these re-
peated oppositions, and tliis eternal haranguing, and per-
ceiving that unless he complied, the inhabitants would follow
their own inclination, or rather their fears, without waiting
for his consent ; or, what was still worse, the Yankees would
have time to pour in their forces and claim a share in the
conquest, he testily ordered them to hand up the paper. It
was accordingly hoisted to him on the end of a pole, and
having scrawled his name at the bottom of it, he anathema-
tised them all for a set of cowardly, mutinous, degenerate
poltroons — threw the capitulation at their heads, slammed
down the window, and was heard stumping downstairs with
vehement indignation. The rabble incontinently took to
their heels ; even the burgomasters were not slow in evacu-
ating the premises, fearing lest the sturdy Peter might issue
from his den, and greet them with some unwelcome testi-
monial of his displeasure.

Within three hours after the surrender, a legion of British
beef-fed warriors poured into New- Amsterdam, taking pos-
session of the fort and batteries. And now might be heard,
from all quarters, the sound of hammers made by the old
Dutch burghers, in nailing up their doors and windows, to
protect their vrouws from these fierce barbarians, whom they
contemplated in silent sullenness from the gai'ret windows as
they paraded through the streets.

Thus did Colonel Richard Nichols, the commander of the
British forces, enter into quiet possession of the conquered
realm, as locum tenens for the Duke of York. The victory
was attended with no other outrage than that of changing the
name of the province and its metropolis, which thenceforth
were denominated New- York, and so have continued to be
called unto the present day. The inhabitants, according to

272 HISTORY OF XEW-YORK. [bOOK VH.

treaty, were allowed to mnintain quiet possession of their
property ; but so inveterately did tliey retain their abhorrence
of the British nation, that in a private meeting of the leading-
citizens, it was unanimously determined never to ask any of
their conquerors to dinner.

NOTE.

Modern historians assert that when the Xcw-Netherlands were thas
OYCiTun by the British, as Spain in ancient days by the Saracens, a reso-
lute band refused to bend the neck to the invader. Led by one GaiTct
Van Home, a valorous and gigantic Dutchman, they crossed the bay and
Iniried themselves among the marshes and cabbage-gardens of Communi-
paw, as did Pelayo and his followers among the mountains of Asturias.
Here their descendants have remained ever since, keeping themselves apart,
like seed corn, to repeople the city with the genuine breed, whenever it
shall be effectually recovered from its intruders. It is said the genuine
descendants of the Nederlanders who inhabit New- York still look with
longing eyes to the green marshes of ancient Pai'onia, as did the conquered
Spaniards of 3'ore to the stern mountains of Asturias, considering these
tlie regions whence deliverance is to come.

CHAP. XII.

Thus then have I concluded this great historical enterprise ;
but before I lay aside my weary pen, there yet remains to
be performed one pious duty. If, among the variety of readers
who may peruse this book, there should haply be found any
of those souls of true nobility, which glow with celestial fire
at the history of the generous and the brave, they will doubt-
less be anxious to know the fate of the gallant Peter Stuy-
vesant. To gratify one such sterling heart of gold, I would
go more lengths than to instruct the cold-blooded curiosity
of a whole fraternity of philosophers.

No sooner had that high-mettled cavalier signed the articles
of capitulation, than, determined not to witness the humili-
ation of his favourite city, he turned his back on its walls,
and made a growling retreat to his howery, or country-seat,
which was situated about two miles off; where he passed
the remainder of his days in patriarchal retirement. There
he enjoyed that tranquillity of mind, Avhicli he had never
known amid the distracting cares of government, and tasted
the sweets of absolute and uncontrolled authority, which his
factious subjects had so often dashed with the bitterness of
opposition.

CHAP. Xll.j PETEK THE HEADSTRONG. 273

No persuasions could ever induce him to i*evisit the city;
on the contrary, he would always have his great arm-chair
placed with its back to the windows which looked in that
direction, until a thick grove of trees, planted by his own
hand, grew up and formed a screen that effectually excluded
it from the prospect. He railed continually at the degenerate
innovations and improvements introduced by the conquerors
— forbade a word of their detested language to be spoken in
his family, a prohibition readily obeyed, since none of the
household could speak any thing but Dutch, and even or-
dered a fine avenue to be cut down in front of his house
because it consisted of English cherry-trees.

The same incessant vigilance, which blazed forth when he
had a vast province under his care, now showed itself with
equal vigour, though in narrower limits. He patrolled with
unceasing watchfulness the boundaries of his little territory ;
repelled every encroachment with intrepid promptness; pu-
nished every vagrant depredation upon his orcliard or his
farmyard with inflexible severity, and conducted every
stray hog or cow in triumph to the pound. But to the in-
digent neighbour, the friendless stranger, or the weary wan-
derer, his spacious doors were ever open, and his capacious
fireplace, that emblem of his own warm and generous heart,
had always a corner to receive and cherish them. There
was an exception to this, I must confess, in case the ill-
starred applicant were an Englishman or a Yankee ; to whom,
though he might extend the hand of assistance, he could
never be brought to yield the rites of hospitality. Nay,
if peradventure some straggling merchant of the east should
stop at his door, with his cart-load of tin ware or wooden
bowls, the fiery Peter would issue forth like a giant from his
castle, and make such a furious clattering among his pots
and kettles, that the vender of " notions " was fain to betake
himself to instant flight.

His suit of regimentals, worn threadbare by the brush,
was carefully hung up in the state bed-chamber, and regu-
larly aired the first fair day of every month ; and his cocked
hat and trusty sword were suspended in grim repose over
the parlour mantel-piece, forming supporters to a full-length
portrait of the renowned admiral Von Trorap. In his do-
mestic empire he maintained strict discipline, and a well-
organised despotic government; but though his own will

T

274 HISTORY OF NEW-YORK. [bOOK "VTT.

was the supreme law, yet the good of his subjects was his
constant object. He watched over, not merely their imme-
diate comforts, but their morals and their ultimate welfare ; for
he gave them abundance of excellent admonition ; nor could
any of them complain, that, when occasion required, he was
by any means niggardly in bestowing wholesome correction.

The good old Dutch festivals, those periodical demonstra-
tions of an overflowing heart and a thankful spirit, which are
falling into sad disuse among my fellow-citizens, were faith-
fully observed in the mansion of Governor Stuyvesant. New-
year was truly a day of open-handed liberality, of jocund
revelry and warm-hearted congratulation, when the bosom
swelled with genial good-fellowship, and the plenteous table
was attended with an unceremonious freedom, and honest
broad-mouthed merriment unknown in these days of degene-
racy and refinement. Paas and Pinxter were scrupulously
observed throughout his dominions ; nor was the day of St.
Nicholas suffered to pass by without making presents, hang-
ing the stocking in the chimney, and complying with all its
Other ceremonies.

Once a-year, on the first day of April, he used to array
himself in full regimentals, being the anniversary of his tri-
umphal entry into New-Amsterdam, after the conquest of
New-Sweden. This was always a kind of saturnalia among
the domestics, when they considered themselves at liberty, in
some measure, to say and do what they pleased, for on this
day their master was always observed to unbend and be-
come exceeding pleasant and jocose, sending the old grey-
headed negroes on April-fool's errands for pigeons' milk ;
not one of Avhom but allowed himself to be taken in, and
humoured his old master's jokes, as became a faithful and
well-disciplined dependant. Thus did he reign, happily and
peacefully on his own land, injuring no man, envying no
man, molested by no outward strifes, perplexed by no inter-
nal commotions ; and the mighty monarchs of the earth, who
were vainly seeking to maintain peace, and promote the wel-
fare of mankind, by war and desolation, would have done
well to have made a voyage to the little island of Manna-
hata, and learned a lesson in government fi"om the domestic
economy of Peter Stuyvesant.

In process of time, however, the old governor, like all other
children of mortality, began to exhibit evident tokens of de-
cay. Like an aged oak, which, though it long has braved

CHA.P, XU.] PETEK THE HEADSTRONG. 27-5

the fury of the elements, and still retains its gigantic pro-
portions, begins to shake and groan with every blast — so was
it witli the gallant Peter ; for though he still bore the port
and semblance of wliat he was in the days of his hardihood
and chivalry, yet did age and infirmity begin to sap the
vigour of his frame — but his heart, that unconquerable cita-
del, still triumphed unsubdued. With matchless avidity
would he listen to every article of intelligence concerning
the battles between the English and Dutch ; still would his
pulse beat high, whenever he heard of the victories of De
Ruyter — and his countenance lower, and his eyebrows knit,
when foi'tune turned in favour of the English. At length, as
on a certain day he had just smoked his fifth pipe, and was
napping after dinner in his arm-chair, conquering the whole
British nation in his dreams, he was suddenly aroused by a
ringing of bells, rattling of drums, and roaring of cannon,
that put all his blood in a ferment. But when he learnt that
these rejoicings were in honour of a great victory obtained
by the combined English and French fleets over the brave
De Ruyter and the younger Von Tromp, it went so much to
his heart that he took to his bed, and in less than three days
was brought to death's door by a violent cholera morbus ! Even
in this extremity he still displayed the unconquerable spirit
of Peter the Headstrong — holding out to the last gasp with
inflexible obstinacy against a whole array of old women, who
were bent upon driving the enemy out of his bowels, in the
true Dutch mode of defence, by inundation.

While he thus lay, lingering on the verge of dissolution,
news was brought him that the brave De Ruyter had made
good his retreat Avith little loss, and meant once more to meet
the enemy in battle. The closing eye of the old warrior
kindled with martial fire at the words, he partly raised him-
self in bed, clinched his withered hand as if he felt within
his gripe that sword which waved in triumph before the
walls of Fort Christina, and giving a grim smile of exulta-
tion, sank back upon his pillow, and expired.

Thus died Peter Stuyvesant, a valiant soldier, a loyal sub-
ject, an upright governor, and an honest Dutchman, who
wanted only a few empires to desolate, to have been immor-
talised as a hero !

His funeral obsequies were celebrated with the utmost
grandeur and solemnity. The town was perfectly emptied

T 2

276 HISTORY OF NEW-TORIC. [eOOK Vn,

of its inhabitants, who crowded in throngs to pay the last sad
honours to their good old governor. All his sterling qualities
ru?hed in full tide upon their recollection, while the memory
of his foibles and his faults had expired with him. The an-
cient burghers contended who should have the privilege of
bearing the pall ; the populace strove who should walk
nearest to the bier, and the melancholy procession was closed
by a number of grey-headed negroes, who had wintered and
summered in the household of their departed master for the
greater part of a century.

With sad and gloomy countenances, the multitude gathered
round the grave. They dwelt with mournful hearts on the
sturdy virtues, the signal services, and the gallant exploits
of the brave old worthy. They recalled, with secret up-
braidings, their own factious oppositions to his government ;
and many an ancient burglier, whose phlegmatic features-
had never been known to relax, nor his eyes to moisten, was
now observed to puff a pensive pipe, and the big drop to steal
down his cheek ; while he muttered, with affectionate accent,
and melancholy shake gf the head, " Well, den ! — Hardkoppig
Peter ben gone at last!"

His remains were deposited in the family vault, under
a chapel which he had piously erected on his estate, and
dedicated to St. Nicholas, and wliich stood on the identical
spot at present occupied by St. Mark's church, where his
tombstone is still to be seen. His estate, or bowery, as it was
called, has ever continued in the possession of his descendants,
who, by the uniform integrity of their conduct, and their strict
adherence to the customs and manners that prevailed in the
♦' good old times,'' have proved themselves worthy of their
illustrious ancestor. Many a time and oft has the farm been
haunted at night by enterprising money-diggers, in quest of
pots of gold, said to have been buried by the old governor,
though I cannot learn that any of them have ever been enriched
by their researches ; and who is there, among my native-
born fellow-citizens, that does not remember when, in the
mischievous days of his boyhood, he conceived it a great
exploit to rob " Stuyvesant's orchard " on a holiday after-
noon ?

At this strongliold of the family may still be seen certair>
memorials of the immortal Peter. His full-length portrait
frowns in martial terrors from the parlour Avail ; his cocked
hat and sword still hang up in the best bed-room ; his brim-

CHAP. Xm.] PETER THE HEADSTRONG. 277

Stone-coloured breeches were for a long while suspended in.
the hall, until some years since they occasioned a dispute
between a new-married couple ; and his silver-mounted
wooden leg is still treasured up in the store-room as an in-
valuable relique.

CHAP. XIII.

Among the numerous events, which are each in their turn
the most direful and melancholy of all possible occurrences,
in your interesting and authentic history, there is none that
occasions such deep and heart-rending grief as the decline
and f\ill of your renowned and mighty empires. Where is the
reader who can contemplate without emotion the disastrous
events by which the great dynasties of the world have been
extinguished ? While wandering, in imagination, among the
gigantic ruins of states and empires, and marking the tre-
mendous convulsions that wrought their overthrow, the bosom
of the melancholy inquirer swells with sympathy commen-
surate to the surrounding desolation. Kingdoms, principal-
ities, and powers, have each had their rise, their progress, and
their downfall ; each in its turn has swayed a potent sceptre ;
each has returned to its primaeval nothingness. And thus did
it fare with the empire of their High Mightinesses, at the
Manhattoes, under the peaceful reign of Walter the Doubter,
the fretful reign of William the Testy, and the chivalric reign
of Peter the Headstrong.

Its history is fruitful of instruction, and worthy of being
pondered over attentively ; for it is by thus raking among the
ashes of departed greatness, that the sparks of true knowledge
are to be Ibund, and the lamp of wisdom illuminated. Let
then the reign of Walter the Doubter warn against yielding
to that sleek, contented security, and that overweening fond-
ness for comfort and repose, which are produced by a state
of prosperity and peace. These tend to unnerve a nation ; to
destroy its pride of character ; to render it patient of insult ;
deaf to the calls of honour and of justice; and cause it to
cling to peace, like the sluggard to his pillow, at the expense
of every valuable duty and consideration. Such supineness
ensures the very evil from which it shrinks. One right
yielded up produces the usurpation of a second; one en-
croachment passively suffered makes way for another ; and
the nation which thus, through a doting love of peace, has

278 HISTORY OF NEW-TOEK. [bOOK VU.

sacrificed honour and interest, will at length have to fight for
existence.

Let the disastrous reign of VYilliam the Testy serve as a
salutary warning against that fittul, feverish mode of legisla-
tion, which acts without system, depends on shifts and pro-
jects, and trusts to lucky contingencies ; which hesitates,
and Avavers, and at length decides with the rashness of ig-'
norance and imbecility ; which stoops for popularity by
courting the prejudices and flattering the arrogance, rather
than commanding the respect, of the rabble ; which seeks
safety in a multitude of counsellors, and distracts itself by a
variety of contradictory schemes and opinions ; which mis-
takes procrastination for wariness — hurry for decision —
parsimony for economy — bustle for business, and vapouring
for valour ; which is violent in council, sanguine in expec-
tation, precipitate in action, and feeble in execution ; which
undertakes enterprises without forethought, enters upon them
without preparation, conducts them without energy, and ends
them in confusion and defeat.

Let the reign of the good Stuyvesant show the effects of
vigour and decision, even when destitute of cool judgment,
and surrounded by perplexities. Let it show how frankness,
probity, and high-souled courage will command respect and
secure honour, even where success is unattainable. But, at
the same time, let it caution against a too ready reliance on
the good faith of others, and a too honest confidence in the
loving professions of powerful neighbours, who are most
friendly when they most mean to beti'ay. Let it teach a ju-
dicious attention to the opinions and wishes of the many,
who, in times of peril, must be soothed and led, or apprehen-
sion will overpower the deference to authority.

Let the empty wordiness of his factious subjects, their
intemperate harangues, their violent *' resolutions," their
hectoi'ings against an absent enemy, and their pusillanimity ou
his approach, teach us to distrust and despise those clamor-
ous patriots, whose courage dwells but in the tongue. Let
them serve as a lesson to repress that insolence of speech,
destitute of real force, which too often breaks forth in popular
bodies, and bespeaks the vanity rather than the spirit of a
nation. Let them caution us against vaunting too much of
our own power and prowess, and reviling a noble enemy.
True gallantry of soul would always lead us to treat a foe
with courtesy and proud punctilio ; a contrary conduct but

CHAP. XIII.] PETER THE HEADSTRONG. 279

takes from the merit of victory, and renders defeat doubly
disgraceful.

But I cease to dwell on the stores of excellent examples to
be drawn fi-om the ancient chronicles of the Manhattoes. He
who reads attentively will discover the threads of gold which
run throughout the web of history, and are invisible to the
dull eye of ignorance. But, before I conclude, let me point
out a solemn warning, furnished in the subtle chain of events
by which the capture of Fort Casimir has produced the pre-
sent convulsions of our globe.

Attend then, gentle reader, to this plain deduction, which,
if thou art a king, an emperor, or other powerful potentate, I
advise thee to treasure up in thy heart, though little expecta-
tion have I that my work will fall into such hands ; for well
I know the care of crafty ministers, to keep all grave and
edifying books of the kind out of the way of unhappy mo-
narchs, lest peradventure they should read them and learn
wisdom.

By the treacherous surprisal of Fort Casimir, then, did the
crafty Swedes enjoy a transient triumph ; but drew upon
their heads the vengeance of Peter Stuy vesant, who wrested
all New-Sweden from their hands. By the conquest of New-
Sweden, Peter Stuyvesant aroused the claims of Lord Balti-
more, who appealed to the Cabinet of Great Britain, who
subdued the whole province of New-Netherlands. By this
great achievement, the whole extent of North America, from
Nova Scotia to the Floridas, was rendered one entire de-
pendency upon the British crown. But mark the conse-
quence : the hitherto-scattered colonies being thus consoli-
dated, and having no rival colonies to check or keep them in
awe, waxed great and powerful, and finally becoming too
strong for the mother country, were enabled to shake otf its
bonds, and by a glorious revolution became an independent
empire. But the chain of effects stopped not here ; the suc-
cessful revolution in America produced the sanguinary revo-
lution in France, which produced the puissant Bonaparte,
who produced the French despotism, which has thrown the
whole world in confusion ! — Thus have these great powers
been successively punished for their ill-starred conquests ;
and thus, as I asserted, have all the present convulsions, re-
volutions, and disasters tiiat overwhelm mankind, originated
in the capture of the little Fort Casimir, as recorded in this
eventful history.

280 HISTORY OF NEW-YORK. [bOOK VH.]

And now, worthy reader, ere I take a sad farewell, which,
alas ! must be for ever — willingly would I part in cordial
fellowship, and bespeak thy kind-hearted remembrance. That
I have not written a better history of the days of the patriarchs
is not my fault ; — had any otlier person written one as good,
I should not have attempted it at all. That many will here-
after spring up and surpass me in excellence, I have very
little doubt, and still less care ; well knowing that, when the
great Christovallo Colon (who is vulgarly called Columbus)
had once stood his egg upon its end, every one at table could
stand his up a thousand times more dextrously. Should any
reader find matter of offence in this history, I should heartily
grieve, though I would on no account question his penetration
by telling him he was mistaken — his good-nature by telling
him he was captious — or his pure conscience by telling him
he was startled at a shadow. Surely, when so ingenious in
finding offence where none was intended, it were a thousand
pities he should not be suffered to enjoy the benefit of his
discovery.

I have too high an opinion of the understanding of my
fellow-citizens, to think of yielding them instruction, and I
covet too much their good will, to forfeit it by giving them
good advice. I am none of those cynics who despise the
Avorld, because it despises them ; on the contrary, though
but low in its regard, I look up to it with the most perfect
good nature, and my only sorrow is, that it does not prove
itself more worthy of the unbounded love I bear it.

If, however, in this my historic production, the scanty fruit
of a long and laborious life, I have failed to gratify the dainty
palate of the age, I can only lament my misfortune, for it is
too late in the season for me even to hope to repair it. Al-
ready has withering age showered his sterile snows upon my
brow ; in a little while, and this genial warmth which still lin-
gers around my heart, and throbs, worthy reader, throbs
kindly towards thyself, will be chilled for ever. Haply this frail
compound of dust, which while alive may have given birth to
naught but unprofitable weeds, may form a humble sod of the
valley, whence may spring many a sweet wild flower,'to adora
my beloved island of Mauna-hata I

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